The Penguin: So, I hear You-Know-Who nailed The Mad Hatter last week...
The Joker: No kidding! He sure gets around for one guy.
Two-Face: Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.
Killer Croc: Huh?
Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace, like a S.W.A.T. team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but...
The Joker: Ah, you're always seeing double.
The Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.
The Joker: Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask!
[Dent, who was adding cream to his coffee, crushes the carton]
The Joker: Uh, no offense, Harv.
Two-Face: Just deal...
Killer Croc: Well, you know what I think?
The Joker: Not the robot theory again...
Killer Croc: Well, he could be.
[Ivy incapacitates Batman with poison gas on Halloween]
Poison Ivy: [reaching down to pull Batman's mask] It's midnight darling, time to unmask.
Killer Croc: Hey, I don't get it. You just knocked out Catwoman and left her?
The Joker: Ah, c'mon, Crockers, didn't I say there's more than one way to get someone? Even as I speak, Catwoman is being trussed up at the Pussykins Pet Food Factory. First thing tomorrow I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Killer Croc: I don't think so!
[Croc tosses Joker to a nearby table]
The Joker: [weakly] Was it something I said?
[the villains take a closer look at Croc, and realise it's Batman]
[a woman approaches the archcriminals' table]
Killer Croc: Scram, lady! This is a private...
[Poison Ivy kicks the chair out from underneath Croc]
Killer Croc: You'd think one of us would've got 'im by now...
The Penguin: I've come the closest.
Poison Ivy: Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly...
Two-Face: [pounds the table] Nobody's come closer to stopping the Batman than ME!
[a squabble breaks out, which the Joker ends with a whistle]
The Joker: The fact is each of us has their own "almost got 'im" story to tell...
Two-Face: [narrating his story] I figured as long as I had Batman at my mercy, he deserved a 50-50 chance...
[Batman is shown strapped down to a giant penny]
Two-Face: Here's the deal: the coin lands face down, you'll be squashed flat. It lands face up, you'll just break every bone in your body!
Two-Face: Poison Ivy.
Poison Ivy: It's been a long time, Harvey. You're still looking around halfway decent.
Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle ya.
Poison Ivy: And what does the other half want?
Two-Face: To hit ya with a truck.
Poison Ivy: We used to date.
The Joker: I'd say ladies first, but since we don't have any...
[Ivy glares at the Joker, who gives a small chuckle]
The Joker: We'll start with you, Pam...
Catwoman: Show's over, Joker!
The Joker: [buried under his talk show set] Catwoman, ladies and gentlemen! Let's hear it for her.
[the Penguin lures and traps Batman in a bird conservatory]
The Penguin: Greetings, Batman! You have taken the bait, as I knew you would. Now, prepare to meet your end, within my Aviary of Doom!
Poison Ivy: [interrupting] Aviary of WHAT?
The Joker: Yeesh, Pengers! How corny can you get?
The Penguin: Fah! Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls! Anyway, there he was in my av... uh, big birdhouse...
Harley Quinn: It's Late Night Gotham Live, and here's the man who puts a smile on your face whether you want it or not, The Joker!
The Joker: Good evening folks, I'm The Joker: living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show, but it helps! Ha ha!
Two-Face: [finishing his "almost got him" Batman story] ... And if it weren't for this blasted coin... I would have got him.
The Joker: Gee, that's too bad, Harv, but I guess you'll always come in second. Anybody else want to go?
Killer Croc: [hits the table] ME! There I was, holed up in this quarry, when Batman came nosing around. He was getting closer... Closer...
Poison Ivy: And...?
Killer Croc: I threw a rock at him!
[everyone stares in dead silence]
Poison Ivy: So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny?
Killer Croc: It was a big rock...
Two-Face: They actually let him keep it!
[Harley switches on the machine, sending Catwoman on a conveyor belt toward a meat grinder, then runs for the door. Batman swoops down and grabs her]
Harley Quinn: Gee, Batman, what are you gonna do? Kick me around or save your kitty? You've only got time for one.
[Without letting go of her, Batman turns to the wall, opens the electric panel, and throws the master switch. The machine stops]
Harley Quinn: [weakly] Heh heh... good call. Help!
[the Joker wins the poker game]
Poison Ivy: Awww...
Two-Face: No way!
Killer Croc: Forget this!
The Penguin: Let me see those cards!
[a poker game starts at the Stacked Deck Club]
The Joker: I want a nice, clean game, gentlemen.
The Penguin: That'll be a first...
[Catwoman makes a pass at Batman, but he leaves]
Catwoman: Huh... almost got 'im.