Jean: Do the girls in the office really call me "crabapple"?
Sandy: No, they stopped that.
Jean: Oh, good.
Sandy: They call you "iron-drawers" now.
Waiter: [as he clears the table after the first course] Did you enjoy that, madam? Sir?
Lionel: Compared to pushing a pea up Vesuvius with my nose, it was a delightful experience.
Waiter: [Lionel has a bare foot on the floor of the restaurant to stop his leg cramp] Did you enjoy the main course, madam?
Judith: Yes, it was very nice.
[mouths at Lionel]
[Waiter picks up Lionel's sock off the floor, and Lionel grabs it]
Lionel: You can see the result. It blew my sock and shoe off.
Waiter: Yes, sir. Would you like dessert?
Judith: Just coffee, I think.
Lionel: Yes, just coffee. If the dessert is as outstanding as the rest of the meal, I could end up trouserless.
Judith: She threw her shoe at the window.
Jean: Oh, did it break?
Judith: It's toughened glass.
Jean: I meant the shoe.
Judith: No, I don't think so.
Jean: If he's a heterosexual, show your legs.
Judith: That's a sexist remark.
Jean: Well, it's two sexist remarks, actually.
Waitress: Good morning, sir. One?
[Lionel looks around himself]
Waitress: This way, sir.
[Lionel goes to a different table]
Waitress: This is a table for six, sir.
Lionel: I may be joined by someone. I may be joined by five people. If I'm joined by eleven people, I may need to move to a table for twelve.
Waitress: Very well, sir. How will you be paying, cash or charge to the room?
Lionel: I haven't ordered anything yet.
Waitress: Sorry. sir. What would you like? We are serving brunch.
Lionel: Are you? I assume between lunch and dinner you serve linner.
Waitress: No, sir. Tea.
Waitress: Excuse me, sir, will you be dining in the restaurant this evening? Only we're expecting a large party of Finns.
Lionel: No, that's all right; I'll be checking out this afternoon.
Waitress: Yes, sir.
Lionel: Oh, and, um, take the cider away, would you?