[Complaining about a gay boat protest upstaging her husband's retirement party]
Lucille Bluth: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire.
Tobias Fünke: [auditioning] Hello, my name is Dr. Tobias Funke. I graduated with honors from Boston College and I did my post-graduate in psycho-linguistics at MIT. And this is "You're A Bad, Bad, Man" from "Annie Get Your Gun."
Lindsay Funke: Mother, not all homosexuals are flamboyant... and... oh my god, I have the exact same blouse!
Lucille Bluth: I like it better on him.
[after being put in charge, Buster passes out at his first board meeting]
Lucille Bluth: We need Michael.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: [holding a glass] We need ice.
[two paramedics pick up a stretcher with Buster on it]
Byron "Buster" Bluth: Michael. We need Michael.
Michael Bluth: [after George Sr. has been handed a jail sentence] They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out.
[silence amongst the family]
Michael Bluth: Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...
Michael Bluth: ...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."
Lindsay Funke: You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.
Lucille Bluth: And I'm putting Buster in charge.
Michael Bluth: Buster? You mean, the one who thought the blue on the map was land?
Lucille Bluth: Look what they've done, Michael! Look what the homosexuals have done to me!
Michael Bluth: You can't just comb that out and reset it?
Michael Bluth: What have we always said is the most important thing?
George Michael Bluth: Breakfast
Michael Bluth: Family
George Michael Bluth: Oh, right. Family. I thought you meant of the things you eat.
[Gob is being interviewed for an office job]
Interviewer: It was really only your brother we were interested in. I mean, you don't even have any references.
[Gob performs a magic trick involving a small explosion and ending with a dove spontaneously appearing]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Is that enough of a reference for you?
[the dove lands on interviewer's head]
Interviewer: Even a letter of recommendation? Something like that.
Gob: You know, I sorta thought my contribution... could be a magic show!
Michael: Hey, that's great! That's perfect, Gob! Oh, wait, I just remembered, Dad's retiring, not turning six.
[George Michael meets Maebe for the first time]
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Excuse me. I bought one of your frozen bananas and when I bit into it, I found this!
[she shows him the foot she cut off of Lucille's fox wrap]
George Michael Bluth: That looks like a foot.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: It tasted like a foot! Which I really didn't mind except I believe I asked for no nuts.
father: It's come down to the two of ya, and... I'll be honest. I'm just more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician.
Gob: [sulks] Well... give 'em a helluva show, champ!
teenage magician: [bleep] off, traitor.
Narrator: Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest. So he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.
Michael: I quit.
George Sr.: Probably a good career move.
Narrator: Then, Tobias, mistaking a group of garishly-clad men for pirates, boarded a van filled with homosexuals.
Captain: How are you?
Gob: Incredible. I'm having an incredible year.
[High Fives the Captain]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Are those police boats?
George Michael Bluth: Well I'd rather live like this than be like my aunts and uncles whose eyes have never stung from the sweet sweat of a hard days work.
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you getting all that?
George Michael Bluth: From you, you say it every couple of years when they come out to visit.
Michael: Well you're right, they are spoiled.
George Michael Bluth: Uncle Gob? Uncle Gob?
Gob: Give me a dollar, no! the twenty. This is gonna blow your mind. Some say wealth is an illusion, well let's just see. For one moment it's here and the next... Monopoly. You don't have it do you?
George Michael Bluth: I think I might.
Gob: Thats good cause alot of the pieces are missing. Ah, to play monopoly with my family again. I'd give anything to be eight.
George Michael Bluth: I'm thirteen.
Gob: Nah, I wasn't crazy about thirteen. The acne, the self-consciousness, the erections. You okay?
George Michael Bluth: Yeah, I'm good
Gob: Hey! there's the man I came to see.
George Michael Bluth: Uh, Uncle Gob where's the twenty?
Gob: Hey! a magician never reveals his secrets, that's what I started the whole alliance about.
George Michael Bluth: I don't need the secret I just need the...
Gob: What you need to know...
Gob: Is that it's magic.
George Michael Bluth: Wow... It's so much like stealing.
Narrator: On the next "Arrested Development", Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of prison.
Michael: You LOVE IT here?
George Sr.: I'm having the time of my life! Hey, T-Bone.
[high-fives another prisoner]
Michael: [as Michael is giving the lecture, Buster's drum playing gets louder] But starting tomorrow there is going to be a new boss in town. You are all going to feel the effects as... BUSTER!
[Buster stops playing]
Michael: You cant do that on the balcony, buddy?
George Michael Bluth: Ten cents gets ya nuts.
George Sr.: I have the worst fucking attorneys.
[GOB tells Michael he's bought a boat called "The Seaward"; Lucille is just arriving]
Michael Bluth: Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille Bluth: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.
Narrator: This is Michael Bluth. For ten years, he's worked for his father's company waiting to be made a partner. And right now, he's happy.
[we've been introduced to the rest of the Bluth family]
Narrator: So, why is Michael so happy? Because he's decided to never speak to these people again.