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Mr. Ernest Grainger: Captain Peacock, are you free?

Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes I'm free, Mr. Grainger.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: I hope you won't mind my mentioning the fact but I, I left my purse behind on the wireless in the kitchen this morning.

Captain Stephen Peacock: No, I don't mind you mentioning it at all.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: No, well I was wondering if you could let me have the pound back which I lent you yesterday?

Captain Stephen Peacock: Of course, Mr. Grainger, I... Oh dear. I too, seem to have left my notecase in the study on top of the color television set.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Oh, have you? I seem to remember that you did the same thing last Friday, Stephen.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes, Ernest. Yes, it seems I'm, I'm getting rather forgetful.

Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, that's why I reminded you about the pound.

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Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Are you free, Captain Peacock?

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Captain Stephen Peacock: Miss Brahms...?

Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, I know, Captain Peacock. I'm late.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Not good enough, Miss Brahms. You are fifteen minutes late. What would happen if everybody else was fifteen minutes late?

Miss Shirley Brahms: The store would open at quarter past.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Don't be cheeky, Miss Brahms. Captain Peacock is quite within his rights to dress you down.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Have you an explanation?

Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes. It's Friday. I haven't got any money. And I couldn't afford the bus fare. I had to hitchhike.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Well you should have left home earlier.

Miss Shirley Brahms: I did. I stood on the corner, and lifted my skirt and showed a bit of stocking like Marilyn Monroe did in "Bus Stop".

Captain Stephen Peacock: What happened?

Miss Shirley Brahms: The bus crashed and I had to make a statement.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: The same thing happened to me once, with a Centurion tank.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Were you trying to stop it, Mrs. Slocombe, or were you driving it?

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Mrs. Betty Slocombe: You know, you really should try to make your money last out the week, Miss Brahms.

Miss Shirley Brahms: I can't even make it last the weekend.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: What do you spend it on?

Miss Shirley Brahms: Clothes.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Clothes?

Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, clothes. So the boys will ask me out to dinner.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Yes, but if you didn't spend it on clothes, you could stay at home and, and cook something for yourself.

Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, I can't afford to buy food for meself. It's too expensive.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Yes, but you could afford it if you didn't spend your money on clothes.

Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, well if I spent my money on food, I couldn't afford to spend it on the clothes, so the boys would ask me out to dinner.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: I just don't understand young people nowadays. I just don't understand what your talking about.

Miss Shirley Brahms: I just like going out, that's all.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: My dear girl, I could be wined and dined every night if I wanted to. If it wasn't for that awful wrestling match in the car when you got home. Those roving hands, and the sloppy kisses and the fight to get the door open and escape.

Miss Shirley Brahms: Did many of them get away, Mrs Slocombe?

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Go and check the till, Miss Brahms!

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Mr. Dick Lucas: Well, so, anyway, I couldn't take her home to my place, see. Cause it was Thursday night, and that's the night me mum does her feet.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, I suppose that would take the romance out of it. So what did you do?

Mr. Dick Lucas: Well I took her back to hers. It was an absolute disaster. Her old man came back early and insisted on watching the telly with us. Then her aunt came back, and her mum came home from Bingo. And then her sister came back downstairs with the baby, cause it wouldn't stop crying. Three hours later, he old man asked me what my intentions were. I told him, "With all you lot here, nothing at all", so he kicked me out. What did you do?

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well I had an old friend round for dinner, but it wasn't a very successful evening. I mean, you've got to be in the mood for cooking haven't you? I got a bit cross and slammed the oven door, and well, me Yorkshires wouldn't rise. You know, I didn't know which way to turn, which is very unusual for me. So you know what I did?

Mr. Dick Lucas: Yeah... so what did you do?

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: I got me rolling pin out, I flattened it all down, I threw a tin of fruit salad on it, and served it as a surprise pancake. It made the evening.

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Mr. Dick Lucas: What's all that about then?

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: We've known each other for ages. We see a lot of each other.

Mr. Dick Lucas: What? You and that gorgeous thing?

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: She's a very good friend of mine.

Mr. Dick Lucas: Look at those legs!

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Hmm... That is a very lovely person.

Mr. Dick Lucas: You're telling me!

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: And I'll tell you something else. He's much more settled since he's had the operation.

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Miss Shirley Brahms: Is that about it, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Perfect, Miss Brahams. There, you see, Madam, with the shorter hem, and the alterations to the sleeves, and... a bit taken out of the back and... , oh yes... , the shoulders adjusted and the buttons moved... It'll fit you like a glove.

The Outsize Dress: Wouldn't it be easier to get one in my size?

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: But it's an unrepeatable offer.

Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, it's last year's stock.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms.

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Captain Stephen Peacock: Only a woman with your persuasive tongue, Mrs. Slocombe, could unload a forty four long on to a thirty six short.

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Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne HumphriesMr. Dick Lucas: [both together] Yes, we're free.

Captain Stephen Peacock: Check these please.

[hands them their pay slips]

Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Grainger, are you free?

Mr. Ernest Grainger: At the moment... Thank you.

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Mr. Dick Lucas: Oh, blimey! Eleven pounds, forty seven p... I'm supposed to get nineteen quid a week.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, there's probably some deductions. Check your slip.

Mr. Dick Lucas: Tax... Six pounds, twelve.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Well, you see the Concorde is expensive, then there's the Coal Board, and the Iron and Steel Board, the railways, and not to mention the upkeep of our stall in the Common Market. You've got yourself a bargain there, if you did but know it.

Mr. Dick Lucas: National Health... One pound twenty one. I haven't been near a doctor in five years.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Oh well, when you get pregnant you'll get your maternity grant.

Mr. Dick Lucas: Ten p for Grace Brothers' Social Club. Social Club! A converted Scout hut on the edges of Romney Marshes, a cracked ping-pong ball, and three darts with foul pest.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's worth it for the annual outing alone. Now, where else could you see Captain Peacock in a funny hat and Mrs. Slocombe going home kale-eyed on the bus?

Mr. Dick Lucas: Twenty p for Grace Brothers' Staff Home. Now, that I don't mind. I mean, what a way to end your days. When you're too old to bend down and take an inside leg, you can sit all day in the drizzle in a wheelchair, waiting for that voice to come crying out of the sky: "Are you free, Mr. Lucas?". And five minutes later you've got Grainger measuring you up for a pair of wings, telling you, "They'll ride up with wear".

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: He'll measure you for an asbestos suit.

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Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Now, do bring the gloves back if they don't fit, madam. And we'll change them with pleasure.

Wealthy Client: The fingers do seem a bit long.

Mr. Dick Lucas: Now, don't worry, Madam, they'll ride up with wear. Everything does.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: What about a nice tie to go with them?

Mr. Dick Lucas: Yes, or a briefcase to keep them in?

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: Or one of our latest novelties, an automatic umbrella?

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Captain Stephen Peacock: How much is the reward, sir?

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I beg your pardon?

Captain Stephen Peacock: How much is the reward?

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: How... how much is the reward?...

Captain Stephen Peacock: Yes.

Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Erm... 75 pounds! How does that sound?

Mr. Dick Lucas: Very convincing, Sir.

[to Mr. Humphries]

Mr. Dick Lucas: The old chiseller's trying to do us out of twenty five quid.

Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: It's his ears you know. When they're low set, like that, it means they've got criminal instincts.

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Mr. Dick LucasMr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: [both at the same time] Are you being served, Sir?

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Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, I came to say that I haven't found the diamond.

Miss Shirley Brahms: And I haven't found it, either.

Mrs. Betty Slocombe: But if Miss Brahms or I did find it, we feel, and I am unanimous in this, that we ought to get a bigger cut.

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Young Mr. Grace: I think you've all done very well.

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