Archie Bunker: I used to watch Perry Mason on the TV all the time before he wound up in a wheel chair and got pushed around by the colored guy.
Gary Rabinowitz: Mr. Bunker, what am I going to do with you?
Judge Anthony Barzini: You could ask him to shut up.
Gary Rabinowitz: Good idea, your honor.
Gary Rabinowitz: Shut up.
Archie Bunker: Barney is my best friend. He'll never let me down.
[Later, to Barney]
Archie Bunker: I knew you'd let me down.
Mr. VanRensselaer: [after Barney Hefner drops Archie's new TV set] I hope that was the sound of Harry dropping a beer glass.
Harry Snowden: Harry was nowhere near it.
Archie Bunker: That was the sound of Barney murdering my new TV. But stay tuned, because the next sound you're gonna hear is me murdering Barney!
Judge Anthony Barzini: To what do you object, Mr. Bunker?
Archie Bunker: Well, Judge, after all, you know, there's a Marquetti sitting over there and a Barzini up on the bench. In the interest of, what-do-you-call, fairness there, don't you think this case is a little bit, not to make a bad joke, Wop resided?
Gary Rabinowitz: Prison. The man's going from small claims court to prison.
Judge Anthony Barzini: Very well, I find poor Mr. Bunker in the amount of $428. And I have never rendered a decision with greater regret. Will you please get the hell out of here?
Barney Hefner: Incidently, how big is my tab?
Harry Snowden: $572.33.
Barney Hefner: Excellent. Apply five... Nah, you better make that four dollars toward it.
Archie Bunker: A whole army of Jap engineers couldn't fix that set.
Archie Bunker: Have you ever heard of the law firm Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz & Chan?
Marty Marquetti: Yeah. Your lawyers and their cook.
Archie Bunker: [about Barney's paycheck] God, we can't take no four dollars out of a pathetic check like that. That's your weekly pay? That's terrible. Geez, your boss must be an awful theif there. That's the same as I give my illegals out in the kitchen.