Archie Bunker: I used to watch Perry Mason on the TV all the time before he wound up in a wheel chair and got pushed around by the colored guy.
Gary Rabinowitz: Mr. Bunker, what am I going to do with you?
Judge Anthony Barzini: You could ask him to shut up.
Gary Rabinowitz: Good idea, your honor.
Gary Rabinowitz: Shut up.
Archie Bunker: Barney is my best friend. He'll never let me down.
[Later, to Barney]
Archie Bunker: I knew you'd let me down.
Mr. VanRensselaer: [after Barney Hefner drops Archie's new TV set] I hope that was the sound of Harry dropping a beer glass.
Harry Snowden: Harry was nowhere near it.
Archie Bunker: That was the sound of Barney murdering my new TV. But stay tuned, because the next sound you're gonna hear is me murdering Barney!
Judge Anthony Barzini: To what do you object, Mr. Bunker?
Archie Bunker: Well, Judge, after all, you know, there's a Marquetti sitting over there and a Barzini up on the bench. In the interest of, what-do-you-call, fairness there, don't you think this case is a little bit, not to make a bad joke, Wop resided?
Gary Rabinowitz: Prison. The man's going from small claims court to prison.
Judge Anthony Barzini: Very well, I find poor Mr. Bunker in the amount of $428. And I have never rendered a decision with greater regret. Will you please get the hell out of here?
Barney Hefner: Incidently, how big is my tab?
Harry Snowden: $572.33.
Barney Hefner: Excellent. Apply five... Nah, you better make that four dollars toward it.
Archie Bunker: Have you ever heard of the law firm Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz & Chan?
Marty Marquetti: Yeah. Your lawyers and their cook.
Archie Bunker: No intense offended there, but you know, your voice don't, uh, insfire the same amount of trust there, as the dame that comes on after you, you know, the one that advertises the spray for assisting the feminine hyjinks.
Archie Bunker: [about Barney's paycheck] God, we can't take no four dollars out of a pathetic check like that. That's your weekly pay? That's terrible. Geez, your boss must be an awful theif there. That's the same as I give my illegals out in the kitchen.