Andy: Hey, I didn't see any coffee.
Jessica: [throws the hot coffee in his face] See it now?
[Andy screams in pain]
Jessica: It's working, you're suddenly more sensitive!
Jessica: Since this place is already packed with white guys, I think they're going to hire... what's the politically correct term?
Andy: Another white guy?
Andy: Life was great... until it immediately turned to crap.
Andy: Okay, smart guy. Jackie says she wants to celebrate our differences.
Byron: That sounds good.
Andy: But you said that we're not supposed to see our differences.
Byron: We really shouldn't.
Andy: How are we supposed to celebrate them if we can't see them?
Byron: Well, I guess you're just going to have to ignore as well as celebrate what makes Jackie exactly the same and completely different from everyone else.
Byron: All I know is, I hate racists. I hate everything about them, their music, their food, their so-called religion, the way their men are so skinny, and their wives are all so fat, but mostly, I hate the way they judge people based on tired stereotypes.
Jessica Green: All of these resumes are impressive.
Andy Richter: You know, eh, Ted has five years experience and he's been black his whole live, which has not been easy in such a racist society.
Wendy McKay: My candidate's a woman from Saudi Arabia. She watched as her mother was stoned to death for driving a car. A bumper car.
Byron Togler: You know, I know that we're trying to do a good thing, but I think that it's terrible putting people in racial catagories like this.
Andy Richter: Let me guess, your guy is white?
Byron Togler: No. My blind guy is white.
Keith Richards: I found a one armed, gay, native American little person.
Wendy McKay: Are you kidding me?
Keith Richards: Unfortunately he wasn't a technical writer. He just wanted to meet another one armed, gay, native American little person. Anybody knows anybody?
Andy Richter: Ted! What are you doing here?
Ted Swathmore: I got the job Andy, on your recommendation. Thanks a lot, pal!
Andy Richter: Really, that's fantastic! Well, what happened to Wendy's woman?
Jessica Green: Apparently she went back to Saudi Arabia and was stoned to death for having luggage with wheels.
Byron Togler: Okay, that country has way too many rocks lying around.
Keith Richards: Hey, honey.
Wendy McKay: [unusually deep voice] Good morning, Keith.
Keith Richards: Are you okay?
Wendy McKay: Oh, I'm fine. I'm participating in a drug study for Pickering's pharmaceutical division. They're paying me three grand to use this antihistamine for six weeks which apparently turns people into Demi Moore.
Keith Richards: You're testing drugs? Well I gotta tell you sweety, I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean is it safe? Are there any other side effects?
Wendy McKay: My breasts are larger and I have an increased libido.
Keith Richards: Well, if you really need the money...
Lori: Eh, Andy, I, I have an extra ticket to see Riverdance this weekend. You know, that really exciting dancing where they're dead from the waist up?
Andy Richter: The only way I'd go see Riverdance is if they were actually dancing in a river.
Andy Richter: Yeah?
Jackie: What's your favorite color, bird, state, Olson twin and green leavy vegetable?
Andy Richter: Blue, swan, Hawaii, Ashley, Swiss Char.
Jackie: That's my favorite color, bird, state, Olson twin and green leavy vegetable too! Gosh, nobody ever says Swiss Char.
Andy Richter: We did.