- Briscoe Darling: Briscoe: I can take a bossy mouth, but I ain't about to be beat to death with no spoon.
- Briscoe Darling: BREAD!
- Aunt Bee Taylor: What happened?
- Andy Taylor: Mr. Darling put in a request for additional bread, Aunt Bee.
- Briscoe Darling: Didn't I yell loud enough?
- Briscoe Darling: You know somethin', sheriff, that haircut of yours may be city style, but your heart is shaped like a bowl.
- Briscoe Darling: [Aunt Bee whacks Briscoe's elbow with a wooden spoon] That's my crazy bone!
- Aunt Bee Taylor: No elbows on the table.
- Briscoe Darling: It ain't fair.
- Aunt Bee Taylor: What isn't?
- Briscoe Darling: You hittin' first and explainin' the rules later.
- Briscoe Darling: TATERS!
- Andy Taylor: How 'bout when you want somethin', just tell me and I'll tell Aunt Bee.
- Andy Taylor: You'all cookin' for yourselves now that Charlene's married, are you?
- Briscoe Darling: The boys there, they been takin' turns. They're just about the worst cooks there is. Just the other night, they cooked up about the worst mess of grub I ever did see.
- Andy Taylor: Oh?
- Briscoe Darling: Hoot owl pie. Perfectly good hoot owl just plumb wasted.
- Aunt Bee Taylor: [talking to Briscoe Darling] Do you like pearl onions?
- Briscoe Darling: They twang my buds!