American Dad! (TV Series)

Pilot (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Stan Smith, Roger the Alien, Greg Corbin, Alan Greenspan

Quotes 

• Roger the Alien : You know, we can't all look like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies, Francine.

• Roger the Alien : Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cause that's a giant load of crap.

• Hayley Smith : Ya know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies can come up with a fun new system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear!

  Stanley Smith : Do you like shaving your armpits, Hayley? 'Cause when the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!

• Stanley Smith : Hillary, look out for the mine!

  [Explosion] 

  Stanley Smith : What did I say? You heard me, what did I say?

  Steve Smith : You said look out for the mine.

  Stanley Smith : I said look out for the mine.

• Hayley Smith : What do you know about Henry Kissinger?

  Roger the Alien : Well, I know he was a Jew, but if you get me some Churros, I can stretch that out to 500 words easy.

• Roger the Alien : Oh, no, not my Frankenberry! Oh, Francine, be reasonable!

  [he crashes through the table, sending breakfast items everywhere] 

  Roger the Alien : Oh, great. I've got a bear claw in my ass.

• Hayley Smith : You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.

  Stanley Smith : You know what I have to say to that?

  [pauses] 

  Stanley Smith : Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.

• Stanley Smith : [picks up the phone]  This is Stan Smith.

  Principal Lewis : Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.

  Stanley Smith : Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.

  [starts chugging down pills] 

  Principal Lewis : Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.

  Stanley Smith : I see.

  [foam starts coming out of his mouth] 

  Stanley Smith : Henry, antidote.

• Stanley Smith : Osama, is that you?

• Stanley Smith : Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.

  [shouts] 

  Stanley Smith : So look sharp!

• Stanley Smith : Hey, boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!

• Hayley Smith : [Stan shoots up the toaster the second it pops up]  It's just toast, Dad.

  Stanley Smith : This time it was toast, Haley. THIS time.