Brisco County Jr.: [alias "Kansas"] Pete, put the gun down.
Pete Hutter: They say I'm the fastest draw west of the Colorado. You care to try me, Kansas?
Brisco County Jr.: I don't know. I'm not that good at geography.
Amanda Wickwire: You're not an outlaw?
Brisco County Jr.: No.
Amanda Wickwire: Then who are you?
Brisco County Jr.: Brisco County.
Amanda Wickwire: Is that where you're from?
Brisco County Jr.: No ma'm, that's who I am.
Brisco County Jr.: You'll have to excuse Comet. He doesn't know he's a horse.
Brisco County Jr.: Well, you had one hell of a funeral, Dad. Governors from three states and two territories showed up. I'm sorry I missed it. I'm, ah, I'm sorry I missed a lot of things. But I'm gonna finish the job you started. You can count on that. John Bly has to be caught... so I hope you're looking out for me up there. I can use all the help I can get.
Pete Hutter: You ready?
Brisco County Jr.: Pride comes before a fall, Pete.
Pete Hutter: So does an ounce of lead in a brainpan.
[conversation on board a runaway stagecoach]
Dixie Cousins: What do we do now?
Brisco County Jr.: Well, I can swing out, get a good foothold and climb up to the top of the stage. And then if I'm real careful and God is on my side, I could leap onto the back of the rear horse and work my way out to the lead team, taking care not to fall beneath their thundering hoofs. Then reach out, grab the bridle of the lead horse and rein them in to a safe and steady stop.
Dixie Cousins: Oh, my!
Brisco County Jr.: Or... we can jump!
Dixie Cousins: You like the bed? It comes from France.
Brisco County Jr.: Louis the Fourteenth?
Dixie Cousins: No. I think Louis was the Ninth or Tenth. But then, a lady never counts.
Brisco County Jr.: Oh? Then what are those notches on your bedpost?
Peter Hutter: Forget about it? You mean... rip it from my memory like a picture from a book? A picture of a small boy... kind of shy... with big ears who only wanted to be liked. And the laughing faces of his classmates, mocking him because he forgot to wear his pants to school? Is that what you mean?
Peter Hutter: Dixie, I'm kinda a stickler for gun safety, could you move a little to the left.
Dixie Cousins: Don't you get it, he's somebody.
Peter Hutter: Sorry Dixie, existential thought don't carry much water out here in the territories.
Big Smith: Welcome to Sutter Creek. 5 years ago the gold ran dry, now the sheriff's dead, mayor runs a brothel and the minister's a drunk. My kinda town.
Jonah Collier: So, Marshal Brisco County, now that you've rounded up the thirteen most notorious outlaws in all the west, including John Bly, what will do you do for an encore?
Brisco County Sr.: I believe I'll smoke this pipe.
Pete Hutter: You're about to have a religious experience, grandpa.
Prof. Albert Wickwire: How's that?
Pete Hutter: You're gonna see Jesus!
Brisco County Jr.: Which one of you is Aristotle Poole?
Socrates Poole: That's Socrates Poole.
Brisco County Jr.: Oh, sorry. I guess that's a common mistake.
Socrates Poole: Not at all.
Brisco County Jr.: Well, it is if you flunked Greek philosophy two years in a row.
Socrates Poole: You're not quite what I expected, Mr. County.
Brisco County Jr.: Well, expectations lead to disappointment, Socrates. That's why I try not to have any.
Socrates Poole: You almost cost us both our jobs. They do not like to be called robber barons, you know.
Brisco County Jr.: Well, of course they don't. It isn't exactly a compliment.
Pete Hutter: Dixie, I'm kind of a stickler for gun safety. Could you move a little to the left?
Dixie Cousins: Don't you get it? He's somebody.
Pete Hutter: Sorry, Dixie, existential thought doesn't hold much water out here in the territories.