Wednesday Addams: That new cactus brush really makes my head feel nice and tingly.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, I'm glad, darling. I'll just go upstairs and throw away your old porcupine quill brush.
Gomez Addams: You know, Tish, there're some times I wish your name were something like Ooo-Ooo.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ooo-Ooo?
Gomez Addams: It's almost impossible to blow smoke rings and spell out Morticia.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, I see my roses need trimming again. No matter what I do, those smelly petals keep growing back.
Wednesday Addams: I won't talk without a lawyer!
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia, while brandishing a hose] She's a shrewd one, but the psychological effect of the hose makes them ALL crack.
[With a flashlight in a darkened room, Gomez interrogates Fester about Thing's disappearance]
Uncle Fester Frump: This what you call a third degree?
Gomez Addams: Is it getting to ya?
Uncle Fester Frump: [relishingly] Oh, yeah. Say, you can take it up the the fourth degree.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! How can you be so callous?
Uncle Fester Frump: I've been practicin'.
Gomez Addams: That does help.
Detective: But if it isn't a person, just what sort of a thing is it that's missing, Mrs. Addams? Is it a pet?
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, it's... It's a family retainer.
Detective: Oh... oh, it's a... it's a SERVANT. Well, isn't THAT a person?
Morticia Frump Addams: Not necessarily.
Sam Diamond: Eh, who was it that got snatched?
Morticia Frump Addams: Thing.
Sam Diamond: Thing? What was his last name?
Gomez Addams: Thing.
Sam Diamond: Thing THING? Kind of a name i' zat?
Morticia Frump Addams: It fits him perfectly.
Gomez Addams: It's true. Signs himself Thing T. Thing.
Sam Diamond: Uh-huh. And... the T stands for...?
Gomez and Morticia: [together] Thing.
[the ransom note calls for a disinterested party to deliver the money in exchange for Thing. Morticia recalls this as Det. Sam Diamond, unsuccessful at trying to understand who Thing is, prepares to leave the case]
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, I do believe he's our man. The ransom note said "a disinterest party." He seems VERY disinterested.
[Disheveled and shaken, Sam Diamond returns from the ransom drop at the cemetery]
Gomez Addams: Diamond, old man, back so soon? Thought you'd tarry to enjoy the moonlight. We usually do when we visit the cemetery.
[Going on a outing, the Addamses head for the car]
Gomez Addams: Tish, where will Thing ride?
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, where he always rides - in the glove compartment.