Morticia Frump Addams: It seems the new freeway is coming right through our living room. Won't that crowd us a bit?
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, did you hear an explosion a moment ago?
Gomez Addams: Oh, that. Probably Uncle Fester down in the basement testing for gas leaks with a lighted match.
Uncle Fester Frump: I'll shoot him in the back. Would you mind turning around, please?
Gomez Addams: Fester, this man may be a trespasser and a saboteur but he is our guest.
Gomez Addams: Well, you can't win 'em all. They're blasting tomorrow whether we're in the house or not.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, dear. And we're such late sleepers.
[Fester suggests they move their house]
Gomez Addams: I know just the spot. That lot Hornsby has up for sale.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's right next door to the Commissioner's house.
Gomez Addams: My dear, at a time like this we can't afford to be choosy.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, it's... it's not that, but... That lot doesn't have any caves, and then no quicksand, no swamp...
Gomez Addams: Fester... What's a swamp? A bunch of mud, slime and stench. We'll build our own!
Morticia Frump Addams: Tea?
[the Henson's politely but unsteadily nod to the affirmative]
Morticia Frump Addams: Salt, pepper or cyanide?
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Neither.
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Uh, well, Addams, I-I must say you're taking this eviction like a good sport.
Gomez Addams: Well, nobody can say that an Addams stood in the way of progress, although I must admit Uncle Fester is a bit upset.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, you see, there are no caves or swamps on our new property.
Gomez Addams: But we do have plans for building our own - that is, if our neighbors don't object.
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Well, any man who would object to having a swamp right next to his home is a petty individual, indeed.
Gomez Addams: Glad to hear you say that, Commissioner. We love animals and we're planning a mud wallow for our hippopotamus.
Phoebe Henson: Arthur and I just adore animals, too.
Gomez Addams: [warmly and vigorously shakes Henson's hand] Neighbor!
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: No, no... d'I... I mean, you're not gonna move in next to... to... t...
Phoebe Henson: To us?
Gomez Addams: Right smack!
[the Henson's, with apparently nothing to lose, hurriedly guzzle down their cups of silverware-dissolving wolfsbane tea]
[the Addams family prepares to ride along with the mansion on its move to a new location]
Morticia Frump Addams: Where are the children, dear?
Gomez Addams: Oh, they're fine. They're riding on the roof.
Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope they don't get car sick. Is Lurch with them?
Gomez Addams: Oh, no. He likes to ride with his head out the window and growl at the passing cars.
Uncle Fester Frump: That ex-insurance man of ours...
Gomez Addams: Commissioner Henson?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah. Well, he's ruining our city. He's puttin' fresh paint on all the public buildings.
Morticia Frump Addams: Whatever for?
Uncle Fester Frump: To hide the soot.
Morticia Frump Addams: Cover up... But the soot's the only thing that's giving those buildings character.
[a letter arrives]
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, it's from the city hall. I wonder what they're doing writing to us.
Gomez Addams: Well, this is the time they select the Man of the Year. I suppose I'll have to resign myself to another giddy round of speech-making and chicken ala king.
Mike: Gettin' rid of a monstrosity like the old Addams house comes under the heading of sheer pleasure.
Gomez Addams: [dictating a letter] ... and, despite your position as commissioner, I hereby warn you that any further trespass by your hired vandals will be resisted to the utmost.
Gomez Addams: [finishing his letter] P.s. I always knew you were a corrupt, hypocritical old windbag.
Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope he doesn't take that last part personally.
Gomez Addams: How could he?
Lurch: [announcing from the vestibule] His honor, the Commissioner.
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm sure he's come to offer his apologies.
Gomez Addams: I guess the hypocritical old windbag isn't such a bad fellow after all.