Adam Rafkin: [Adam is in hospital suffering from exhaustion] Today is the first day I'm been able to drink out of a bendy straw, so...
Peter Dragon: [feigning interest] Really? Hey, there you go you're on the road to wellsville. You ever see that movie, Road to Wellsville?
Peter Dragon: No, who's in it?
Adam Rafkin: Lara Flyn Boyle's breasts, hmm.
Adam Rafkin: I'll rent it.
Peter Dragon: You won't be disappointed.
Dick 'Rene' Marcellus: Peter, as a partner, I want to be consulted on these decisions.
Peter Dragon: Well, let me ask you a question. Do I tell you how to go to a bus station, pick up a teenage girl, and turn her into a prostitute? No.
Peter Dragon: How are we gonna cast the part of the seeing eye dog? Stuart, that can't be everybody, who's the hot young dog in town now?
Stuart Glazer: Well, there's the Taco Bell dog, red hot.
[Peter looks disapprovingly]
Stuart Glazer: That dog on Frasier is doing some really terrific work, but who knows if that will translate on the big screen and, eh, well obviously Disney has about 101 dogs that are looking for work.
Uncle Lonnie: 102, counting Glen Close.
Peter Dragon: You're both wrong. Disney put all those dogs down when the film wrapped.
Stuart Glazer: Really? They're so efficient.
Sandra Bullock: [kicking Peter as he crawls onto his couch] You wanna explain this tape?
Peter Dragon: What tape, what are you talking about?
Sandra Bullock: Eh, 'Sandra Buttocks in While you were sleeping... on my face'
[angrilly puts tape in VHS player]
Peter Dragon: Wait, you think I had something to do with that?
Sandra Bullock: My dad bought it yesterday on your website.
Sandra Bullock: [audio from Peter and Sandra's sex tape] Oi, puppy, yeah! Peter, can't we just turn off some of these lights?
Peter Dragon: No! No, I need the lights.
Sandra Bullock: Okay, okay.
Peter Dragon: I wanna see every inch of your beautiful body...
Sandra Bullock: Oh yeah.
Peter Dragon: ...Sandra Bullock.
Sandra Bullock: Oh, Peter, we're making love, just call me Sandie.
Peter Dragon: Okay, Sandie...
Peter Dragon: Bullock... of Speed.
Sandra Bullock: Oh yeah, faster! More speed!
Peter Dragon: I swear to God, if self involved braindead chimps ever form a union, it's gonna be 98 % actors.
Wendy Ward: I think they have, it's called Screen Actors Guild.
Peter Dragon: [desperate to keep Cole Riccardi from coming out of the closet] Well, Cole, the truth of the matter is, and eh... I'm trusting you with my life here... I too, eh, am a friend of Dorothy's.
Cole Riccardi: Peter, what do you take me for? What about that tape of you and Sandra Bullock?
Peter Dragon: She's the one that drove me to men! Don't make me relive it, Cole.
Cole Riccardi: I know, cause I've been there. For me it was Carrie Fisher.
Peter Dragon: Is that my goat?
Momo Shabong: No, that's Bobby G.'s goat.
Peter Dragon: That looks just like my goat.
Momo Shabong: Everybody I like gets a goat.
Dick 'Rene' Marcellus: I didn't get a goat.
Dick 'Rene' Marcellus: Momo.
Momo Shabong: Yes?
Dick 'Rene' Marcellus: My goat?
Momo Shabong: You shame me. The truth is, I am out of goats. Now I must kill myself.
Robert 'Bobby G.' Gianopolis: Heyheyheyheyheyheyhey!
Dick 'Rene' Marcellus: It's ok, my friend.
Robert 'Bobby G.' Gianopolis: We'll share the goat.
Dick 'Rene' Marcellus: We'll share the goat.