Absolutely Fabulous (TV Series)

Jealous (1995)

Joanna Lumley: Patsy

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Edina has lost her speech which she has to present to the PR meeting] 

  Eddie : Yeah I was gonna' make a-

  [taps microphone] 

  Eddie : Testing. Testing. -Yeah I was gonna' make a speech, but I just can't be bothered anymore. I mean, this used to be like fun you know; yeah it used to be fun, but I'm getting bored of all the 'fun' bits now. You know, your endless bloody lunches and launches, you know, no-career celebrities and party desperates. And what for, huh? Some colony of crap tags and mags! Well I'm sorry there has to be a little more than that doesn't there?

  [slams her handbag down] 

  Eddie : Hmmm? You know I had a speech, you know, my... my integrated-projected-global-tele-network system bloody system-system. But you know, if that's what the worlds coming to I don't want to be in it. No I don't want that. I don't want to be in some sort of cyber-space-hypervirtual bloody reality. I don't want that- exchanging e-mails with some old age bloody hippies with more information at their fingertips than is safe to know about. I don't want that! What kind of reality is that, huh, you know, with a thirteen-amp plug on the end of it? Huh? Huh?... That can be un-plugged like that? Come-on I'm going.

  [She turns to leave, but...] 

  Eddie : No I'm not going yet! No, you!

  [points to her competition, Claudia Bing] 

  Eddie : You, you, just sit there like your velcroed to some bloody add-man! You know those crap-head add-men over there, you know, those kings of bastardization that have just taken everything that was ever real and genuine and honest and original and attached it to a toilet cleaner! Whereas I, I... Like a bird on a wire... Like a drunk in a midnight choir... I have tried in my way to be free.

  [Then she sings] 

  Eddie : Like a bird, on a wire.

  Patsy : Go for it Eddy.

  Eddie : [singing]  ... Like a drunk in a midnight choir. I have tried in my way to be free.

  [Claudia Bing and her colleagues are laughing] 

  Eddie : Yeah you can laugh, but you know something- I don't want more choice I just want nicer things! And you, you can take that look off your face, sitting there with your... with your wheels and AIDS and starvation. You know, skimming a neat profit of the whole of human misery. Labeling us all with this- with this global guilt. Well it may not be all great and good but it ain't that bad, so cheer up world it may never bloody happen!

  [slams her bag down again] 

  Eddie : Come on I'm going.

  [Edina walks off making rude farting sounds at everyone in the room] 

• [on the significance of awards] 

  Eddie : They don't matter, do they, darling?... Awards, Pats?

  Patsy : Oh, Eddy. We've been here before.

  Eddie : It's just... you know... I WANT one. I don't just want one, darling, I NEED one. My career is on a toboggan run of failure at the moment... I just need one. It's the only thing that seems to mean ANYthing these days... I need one now before the menopause drags me into her gaping jaws. Before my creative hormonal oil-well dribbles to a halt. Before my bottom becomes just a patch-work quilt of monkey glands, darling.

  Saffie : But, Mum, menopause can be a very exhilarating and positive experience for a woman.

  Eddie : Oooh, yes. And the curse is a blessing and childbirth is painless. No. Unless that gaping hole on my mantle piece is filled pretty soon, darling, I might as well... I might as well lick this light-switch and do us all a favour, darling...