Eddie: So you've been diddled. It's happened to us all, once in a while.
Patsy: But it's not the money, Eddie.
Eddie: What is it?
Patsy: It's the horrible realization that I must have actually enjoyed playing ping-pong.
Eddie: Come on, wake up! Come on! Come on, Bubble, try and concentrate! I've got some important information I have to tell you. I am going to be in France for nearly a whole week and I am counting on you to cope. Now, there is only one thing that you have to concentrate on this week, and that's the refurbishment of Bettina's apartment.
Bubble: The refurbishment of Bettina's apartment.
Eddie: It's very important, I promised it would be finished this week. When she said "Third world chic", I was hoping she would stick to it, but it took me hours to get hold of that fly-blown mud Hessian for her kitchen walls. I mean there is a nomadic tribe in the Northern African desert that's going to be traveling rather light this winter, thanks to Bettina. Also, when the wood arrives for the kitchen surfaces, remember to stamp "Greenpeace approved" on it.
Bubble: "Greenpeace approved".
Eddie: Alright? Yes, and if the silk for the cushions doesn't arrive by tomorrow, then fax Calcutta and tell them to weave faster. God, what can they be doing? Squatting inside the room, making chapattis? Poor Bettina. Bonjour, bonjour. Oui, oui! Also, darling, I'll try to phone you from my mobile, but I'm not sure that it'll work from France.
Bubble: Even if it does, I'm not sure I'd understand what you were saying.
Eddie: Oh, darling...
Bubble: You do speak French, don't you?
Eddie: Of course I speak French. Someone has been stealing from me.
Mother: It's a sort of space-age teapot, isn't it dear? A teapot to boldly go, where no teapot has been before, to seek out new life forms.
Mother: What might one use to put the tea in the pot with, dear?
Eddie: A teaspoon, a bloody, buggery teaspoon!
Mother: Ooh! A bloody, buggery teaspoon. That sounds rather clever. And what did one fill the kettle from? The bloody marvelous tap, I suppose?
Mother: This filtered water boils very fast.
Bubble: That's because there's less of it.
Eddie: You! Remember: Cancel my aromatherapy, my psychotherapy, my reflexology, my osteopath, my homeopath, my naturopath, my crystal reading, my shiatsu, my organic hairdresser... and see if I can be re-birthed next Thursday afternoon.
Bubble: Consider it done.
Patsy: [to the air hostess] Sullen, stingy, bloody French bitch.
Air Hostess: [drops a packet on peanuts on her lap] Madame.
Patsy: Moiselle. Mademoiselle.
Patsy: You can't go to France and not drink.
Patsy: The chateau we're staying at is in the middle of a vineyard. The area alone is fifteen percent proof.
Eddie: Am I on the wrong side of the road, or the wrong side of the road? I can't go on until I'm sure.
Patsy: Keep driving, Eddy. You haven't hit anything yet.
Eddie: This is here. I should be on the right-hand side of the road.
Patsy: Look, do you want me to drive?
Eddie: Oh, so speaks the woman whose head has been lolling around like a bladder on a stick for the best part of the journey. Read the maps, get the maps.
[Patsy hands Edina a map]
Eddie: This is Spain. Read the instructions.
Patsy: "Leave airport, turn right..." Blah, blah, blah.
Eddie: Right. Now, get in, Pats. I shouldn't have gone left, should I? I mean... We're going back to that bloody airport, Pats, or we'll never find it. Oh, God! I hate France, I hate it!
Eddie: A cockroach! A cockroach! A dead cockroach! No don't kill it, darling! I'm a Buddhist, I could come back as one of those. Oh!
Patsy: I think that one had a coronary, sweetie.
Eddie: Oh, God! Insects, insects! They followed me, those bloody insects. Insects follow me everywhere, darling. From Tuscany to the Caribbean. Insects, insects, insects! You know, I usually see pictures of glamorous houses in Marrakesh, for God's sake. You don't see spiders scuttling into the corner. You never see a picture of Jane Seymour with a centipede dangling from her bloody tiara! No, they just follow me, they bloody follow me. I mean, a mosquito has never bitten you, for God's sake!
Patsy: The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford Clinic.
Eddie: Well, I'm very sorry about the bloody ozone layer, but this is a matter of human surival here.
Bubble: Oh, this sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Saffron: Well, you've never done anything before.
Bubble: I know.
Saffron: [answering the phone] Hello?... Mum?... No... How can you have malnutrition?
Saffron: It's lovely here.
Eddie: It's lovely, yeah.
Saffron: How can you not be enjoying it? It's so peaceful and relaxing. Just walking, and reading, and playing games. It's fun.
Eddie: Fun? Hmm. I can see it should be fun, I know it should be fun, sweetie. It's... It's like a secret no one's let me in on. You know, it's your sort of fun. Mmm? Yeah.
Saffron: Yes. Well, I think I'll go and have a stroll in the village.
Eddie: Alright. I won't come.
Eddie: [Patsy is trying to snort a glass of wine] Darling, don't snort it. Just drink it, sweetie.
Eddie: [drunkenly getting into the right side of a French car] Shit! Someone's taken the steering-wheel!
Eddie: [trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle] It's so stupid! I mean, they, they've made the holes the wrong shape for the pieces.
Bubble: [playing Monopoly] Oh, I'm broke.
Patsy: Take another mortgage. Don't give in.
Bubble: What, on a "get out of jail free" card?
Patsy: Well, try.
Saffron: I thought you were broke. Where did you get all that money from?
Patsy: Don't question me.
Saffron: Where did you get it?
Patsy: I borrowed it from the bank.
Saffron: Well, you can't do that. That's cheating.
Patsy: Listen, you little stoat. I own Park Lane. I can borrow as much money as I like.
Patsy: [to Bubble] Listen, you little gonk. If you tell anyone what he said, I'll kill you.
Eddie: [to Bubble] I don't know why I don't sack you.
Saffron: [Bubble starts to cry] Don't be silly, Mum. Where else are you going find someone who makes doing nothing into an art form?
Saffron: I'm sorry. I had to say that.
Bubble: It's alright. I didn't quite understand what you meant.
Patsy: I need to see my lawyer. I must be allowed to make that telephone call before my freedom is finally snatched away from me.
Customs Officer: That won't be necessary Miss Stone. The white powder we found was a perfectly harmless innocent substance.
Eddie: [gasps] Oh!
Customs Officer: You're all free to go.
Patsy: I beg your pardon?
Customs Officer: You're free to go. Be a bit more careful next time.
Patsy: Just hang on there! I demand that you re-test it! Come back here! I paid a, a huge amount of money for that substance! Don't tell me it was talcum powder!