Sally Solomon: This is all your fault. I didn't want to be the woman. You made me be the woman.
Dr. Dick Solomon: You're a decorated veteran. I thought you could handle it.
Sally Solomon: Well, I can't. This is hard.
Sally Solomon: Damn it Dick. Give me some pain I can define!
Dr. Dick Solomon: I will not jam your hand in the toaster again.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, one of us has to experience sex and I am getting nowhere with her.
[Dick points towards Mary]
Sally Solomon: Well, why didn't you say so? I mean if sex is so important, you and I can do it right here on the desk and get it out of the way.
Dr. Dick Solomon: So, lieutenant, give us a full report on your assignment.
Sally Solomon: He was wonderful. He thinks I'm wonderful. He asked me where I've been all his life.
Dr. Dick Solomon: You didn't tell him.
Sally Solomon: All the coordinates. Thank goodness he didn't believe me so I didn't have to kill him.
Dr. Dick Solomon: What happened after dinner?
Sally Solomon: Well, he wanted to sleep with me, I wanted sex, but since he was tired I let him go home.
Dr. Dick Solomon: [looking at Coach Strickland] You're the one who didn't want him sitting with the girls, right? I think he's just jealous because I've done so much better than he has.
Teacher #1: Dr. Solomon, no one ever said being a father is easy.
Dr. Dick Solomon: You're telling me. I mean, some of you must have children.
[turns towards Coach Strickland]
Dr. Dick Solomon: As frightening as that thought is. What do you do?
Mr. Kersey: You need to set a good example for your son to live up to.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Since when did my son become my responsibility? I mean, you're the ones who are falling down on the job. You're supposed to be educating him. Knowledge is the only chance this planet has for survival. One day, you're gonna have to find someone to pull your collective butts out of the cosmic pliers and all you'll have to choose from is a bunch of rope climbers!
Teacher #1: Dr. Solomon, I think you're avoiding the real problem. The home environment.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, of course I'm avoiding it! It's full of crazy people!
Coach Strickland: Fine, you don't wanna climb the rope, you can go sit over there with the girls.
Tommy Solomon: [looks towards girls] So, let me get this straight. If I don't climb the rope, then I sit with the girls?
Coach Strickland: That's right.
Tommy Solomon: Now, help me out here, cause I'm not seeing the down side.
Dr. Dick Solomon: [reading Dr. Seuss's 'Fox in Socks'] When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles, they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.
[Dick glances at the front cover, then returns to the page he was reading]
Dr. Dick Solomon: This man is a genius.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Come on, sport. I'll drive you to school.
Tommy Solomon: Bite me.
Dr. Dick Solomon: "Bite Me" what?
Tommy Solomon: Bite me, Daddy.
Dr. Dick Solomon: That's better.
Sally Solomon: You just can't imagine what it feels like Dick. It's like he reached in and pulled all of the bones out of my body.
[Sally starts to cry and Dick starts moving away from her]
Dr. Dick Solomon: My God! What are you doing?
Sally Solomon: Apparently I'm leaking.
Dr. Dick Solomon: [reading the Bible] Why are you listening to the serpent? Don't eat the fruit! Don't eat the fruit!
Dr. Dick Solomon: [he turns the page, then looks over at Mary] Women!
Sally Solomon: Tell me Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use?
Dr. Dick Solomon: I don't know.
Sally Solomon: Exactly. And do you feel the urge to have an 8 pound, screaming larva rip its way out of your lower abdomen?
Dr. Dick Solomon: No, I think I can do without that.
Sally Solomon: Y'see? Here, you and I are completely different life forms and it's just some sick cosmic joke that we have to share a planet.
Nina Campbell: Sally's date. Start talking.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, what can I say? In her own words, it was wonderful.
Dr. Dick Solomon: She over ate, and he found her charming.
Dr. Dick Solomon: In fact, he's going to call her.
Dr. Dick Solomon: What?
Dr. Mary Albright: Trouble at home?
Dr. Dick Solomon: No. Why would you say that?
Dr. Mary Albright: He didn't call did he?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Not yet.
Dr. Dick Solomon: I just wish Sally had some woman friends to turn to.
Dr. Mary Albright: Are you asking for my help?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Are you offering it?
Dr. Mary Albright: How can I be offering if I don't know what you're asking?
Dr. Dick Solomon: Why would I be asking? I don't need help.
Dr. Mary Albright: Fine. Then I'm not offering.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Fine with me.
Dr. Mary Albright: You can't say it can you?
Dr. Dick Solomon: HELP ME! I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see her like this.
Dr. Mary Albright: There, that wasn't so hard.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Then you'll help?
Dr. Mary Albright: No.
Sally Solomon: Frankly, when I think of the alternative, I just have to laugh.
Sally Solomon: Mother Earth.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Father Time.
Sally Solomon: Lady Luck.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Gentleman's Quarterley.
Sally Solomon: Daughter's of the American Revolution.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Son of Kong.
Sally Solomon: Fairy Godmother.
Dr. Dick Solomon: The Godfather of Souls.
Sally Solomon: Mississippi.
Dr. Dick Solomon: Mr. Sippi.
Dr. Dick Solomon: [Tommy is coming up the stairs after school] Well, if it isn't our proud little student. What did you learn on your first day?
Tommy Solomon: I'm wearing the wrong kind of sneakers, and girls only like seniors, and man, you can't compliment *anybody* in the shower.