- [Yvette has brought more hot water for René's bath]
- Yvette Carte-Blanche: The old boiler is in a terrible state.
- René: I do not know why I married her in the first place.
- [Edith has just given another tuneless singing performance]
- Lt. Hubert Gruber: Madame Edith has an unusual voice, René. Was it trained?
- René Artois: Oh, yes... But it escaped and returned to the wild.
- René: [singing in bathtub] Are you, by any chance, thinking that I am singing in the bath, because I am happy? No, You are wrong. I am singing in the bath because there is no lock on the door.
- Yvette Carte-Blanche: [Yvette delivering hot water to René's bath] The old boiler is in a terrible state.
- René: I do not know why I married her in the first place.
- Michelle Dubois: [Michelle talking to Rene through the upper story bathroom window] ... Now, pay carful attention. This is the plan, the brackets have cracked and are coming away from the wall.
- René: What does that mean?
- Michelle Dubois: It means you are going to need a new drainpipe...
- [screams as she disappears from the window]
- René: Maria will you take over the bar and make sure the lieutenant gets what he wants.
- Maria Recamier: Oh, can't I just take over the bar?
- [Lt Grubber frowns]
- René: He
- [Herr Flick]
- René: will have me shot.
- Col. Von Strom: No he will not, I'm the Commandant here. Herr Flick has no authority to have you shot.
- Capt. Hans Geering: He will have to ask the Coronel, and he will have you shot.
- René: That makes me feel a lot better.
- Col. Von Strom: [Colonel von Strom demands René stop helping the resistance] Promise me, on your honor.
- René: Well...
- Capt. Hans Geering: On your honor as a Frenchman.
- René: Oh Well, that is different. You have my word.
- Herr Flick: When did you learn of this?
- Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen: I received the information at 11:00 this morning
- Herr Flick: That was 4 hours ago! Why did you take so long to inform me?
- Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen: The message was wrapped around a brick and thrown at my head. I have just regained consciousness.
- Herr Flick: Your Colonel is is in charge of security. Tell him that if the painting is not recovered, he is to burn down the town... except for this building.
- Helga: Yes Herr Flick.
- Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen: Herr Flick, I have a small, but comfortable, apartment over the bakery. Could you perhaps make some special recommendation about it?
- Herr Flick: Yes, sell the toaster and do not pay the rent.