Saturday Night Live: The Best of Phil Hartman (1998 TV Special)
Harry: I think you should take a rest too. A permanent one.
Johnny O'Connor: What do you mean?
Harry: I'm letting you go.
Johnny O'Connor: You mean?
Harry: Yes your contract isn't being renewed. You're finished, Johnny!
Johnny O'Connor: Don't mince words!
Harry: I think you stink!
Johnny O'Connor: Listen Harry if you're unhappy with my work say so now!
Harry: You're threw, you'll never work in this town again! I think you're the worst actor I've ever seen and I get 500 letters a day telling me the same!
Johnny O'Connor: What's the word on the street?
Ross Perot: You want to hear some music? Well today you're gonna get all the music you want...
[Radio plays static]
Ross Perot: I don't believe. Is that how the game is played Admiral? They can't put a transmitter out here so good hard working, decent Americans can listen to some good old country music and I think that's just sad.
Admiral Stockdale: The Government's in... GRIDLOCK!
Ross Perot: Lesson for today: do not try to ditch a war hero. Tenacious with a capital T.
Admiral Stockdale: I'm hungry!
Ross Perot: Now, Admiral, we ate at Denny's a half hour ago. You had a double cheese burger. Your belly's full. I rest my case.
Admiral Stockdale: Where are we?
Billy Idol: I think you're a stupid, tight-assed old fart.
Frank Sinatra: You're all talk, blondie. You want a piece of me? I'm right here.
Billy Idol: Don't provoke me, old man.
Frank Sinatra: You don't scare me, I got chunks of guys like you in my stool.
Billy Idol: Alright. I'll rip your bloody head off!
Bill Clinton: Let me tell you something, there's gonna be a whole bunch of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton. And fast food's the least of them.
Bill Clinton: [In a McDonalds restaurant, admiring a woman's baby] Well she's certainly is beautiful enough to be a princess. Say you gonna finish these fries?
Kevin O'Brien: Hi, Mr. President. I'm manager of this store and I just wanna thank you for stopping by... Again.
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin, you got a real American family place here. Say is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?
Kevin O'Brien: Well normally we stop serving breakfast at eleven, but for you...
Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin O'Brien: Should I skil up some of those big sausage paddies you like?
Bill Clinton: You read my mind!
[in a McDonald's restaurant]
Bill Clinton: For example, your McNugget was released from Britain and intercepted by war lords. This filet fish sandwich from Italy, war lords. Doesn't matter how much food you send, a McBLT, a hot apple pie, it's just gonna end up in the hands of: war lords! Now with the broad based military force, we can make sure that this McRibsandwich gets to the people who need it.
[in a McDonald's restaurant]
Body Guard #1: Sir I think we should continue. We've only gone an eighth of a mile.
Bill Clinton: You buys want a real run? Race ya to the Pizza Hut!
Phil Donahue: Phyllis Sykes, you've had a number of degraded relationships. Your last boyfriend got drunk, totaled your car with you in it which left you in intensive care for over a year and during your painful convalescence, he never visited you, he withdrew your life savings, spent the money on other women, held orgies in your apartment, got you evicted, and yet I understand you're still live with this man.
Phyllis Sykes: Well you'd really have to meet him. He's like a bad little boy, he looks at me with these big puppy dog eyes. I can't stay mad at him.
Phil Donahue: Now he sold you to an Iraqi business man?
Phyllis Sykes: Yes he did. But his landscaping business was faltering and we needed the money.
Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I'd really rather not discuss it. Okay I'm a lesbian! Okay you happy?
Phil Donahue: What prompted you to write your book 'Women Good. Men Bad', was it something in your personal life?
Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I'd rather not discuss it.
Phil Donahue: Oh come on now, doctor, isn't this the kind of ivory tower, arm chair analysis you sociologists are always handing us? Now surely you can tell us a little about your personal experience with men.
Dr. Norma Hoeffering: My personal experience simply is not relevant to the topic, I'm a clinical psychologists, this is my field of expertise, I'm willing to enlighten you on the subject of why women stay in degrading relationships but I will not discuss my personal life.
Phil Donahue: Please?
Phil Hartman: [singing] I hide behind these wigs and this make-up, but tonight, I'm gonna let myself shine through. They're gonna see the real Phil Hartman tonight.
Steve Martin: I wouldn't do that, Phil.
Phil Hartman: Okay.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: [Aboard airplane] Stewardess, could you get me another drink?
Stewardess: Sorry sir, the head steward said you already had enough.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: But you don't understand, I need this drink. I'm a caveman and I'm frightened by your strange flying machine, so get me another Dewars and water pronto.
Stewardess: Sorry sir.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: Listen, I'll sue you and your WHOLE CRUMMY AIRLINE!
Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. President, sir, it's your eleven thirty photo opportunity: the little girl who sold the most girl scout cookies.
Ronald Regan: Damn! This is the part of the job I hate.
[Show is called robot repair]
XG-7000: Good afternoon. And welcome to repair. My name is XG-7000 and I will be your host today. Today we will be repairing a grandfather clock. But first I would like to respond to the many letters we receive regarding the name of this show. They say that Robot Repair indicates that broken robots will be repaired. But what happens is that a robot, Me, shows you how to repair a variety of things. I have asked the producer to change the name so there is no further misunderstandings. Now let's get to repairing that grandfather clock.
[Show name has been changed to 'Robot Repair and You']
XG-7000: Good afternoon and welcome to Robot Repair and You. As you can see, the name of the show has been changed from the old name Robot Repair. However adding the phrase And You to the old title does not solve the dilemma as I see it. The root of the problem is the words Robot Repair. Which I said last week, are confusing. I shall request that the name of this show be changed again to more accurately reflect the nature of the program.
[Show name has been changed to 'Explaining Robots']
XG-7000: Good afternoon and welcome to Explaining Robots. You may have noticed that the name of the show has changed once again. However as I intended to convey to the producer that the name Explaining Robots indicates that robots are to be studied and repaired other than robots explaining things. I suggested several alternative titles for this show that would clear up the situation but these suggestions were deemed unacceptable.
[Show name has been changed to 'This Old Robot']
XG-7000: Warning! Warning! The producer must be destroyed! Warning!
[Show name has been changed to 'Let's Fix, Robots']
XG-7000: Good afternoon and welcome to Let's Fix, Robots. Unlike the other names of this show, this one must be regarded as almost intentionally deceptive. It's easy to overlook the comma after Fix, and even if you do correctly interpret the title, it implies that this show is directed to a robot viewing audience. It makes one wonder if the producer has ever seen the show. My robot programming prohibits me from harming humans, but I am starting to wonder if the circuitry could not be bypassed somehow.
[Show name is 'Fugitive Robots']
Jon: Good evening and welcome to Fugitive Robots. Tonight, we will be looking for this robot.
[Holds up photo of XG-7000]
Jon: He is wanted for the brutal murder of the producer of a television called Robot Restoration. Apparently it's a program about how to repair robots. His name is XG-7000, he also goes by the names XG-6000, XG-8000, BG-7000 and Wilhelm Cartwright. If you have seen this robot, call us immediately. Thank you and good night.
Admiral Stockdale: I'm hungry!
Ross Perot: Okay well where you wanna go? There's an Astro Burger at the next exit, what do you say?
Admiral Stockdale: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
Johnny O'Connor: Hello Harry, how's tricks?
Harry: Not bad for an old dog.
Johnny O'Connor: Is it the booze, Harry? The dames? I'll cut back.
Harry: No it isn't that.
Johnny O'Connor: Is it the pills?
Johnny O'Connor: The sheep?
Johnny O'Connor: The ducks?
Johnny O'Connor: Your wife?
Harry: No. WHAT?
[after a recruit laughs at a joke]
Drill Instructor: Who thinks that's funny? Who just wrote his own... not-alive-anymore certificate? Was it you, soldier? You think the army's just one big joke... building. What's your name?
Private Bennett: Sir, Bennett, sir!
Drill Instructor: Well, not anymore, Bennett! From now on, your name is Mister... Smiling, Laughing, Joking Around Man!
[narrating "Sex" by Madonna on tape]
Charlton Heston: I like my vagina. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror when I'm undressing, and wonder what it would look like without any hair.
[talking to Sinead O'Connor]
Frank Sinatra: Next issue: the bald chick. What's with her hair? How about it, cueball? I'm lookin' at you and thinkin' "fourteen in the side pocket."