Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time' (1998 TV Special)
Jerry Seinfeld: [on Olympic Games] The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event. Although, I think I have a problem with that silver medal. Because when you think about it,you win the gold - you feel good, you win the bronze - you think, "Well, at least I got something". But when you win that silver it's like, "Congratulations, you *almost* won. Of all the losers *you* came in first of that group. You're the number one *loser*. No one lost ahead of you!"
Jerry: I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people. They're hanging in there with the chopsticks,aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks. I don't know how they missed it. Chinese farmer gets up, works in the field with a shovel all day. Shovel. Spoon. Come on. You're not plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues!
Jerry: "Wait up!" That's what kids say. They don't say "wait", they say "Wait up! Hey, wait up!" 'Cause when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!" Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down."
Jerry: I'm a single guy, by the way, there are no other guys attached to me.
Jerry: Thank you very much.
Woman from audience: Jerry, I love you!
Jerry: [turns to the woman] Thank you. I love you too. But I do feel the need to see other people.
Jerry: I was the best man to a wedding one time, that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought, best man. I thought it was a bit much. I thought we'd have the groom and a pretty good man. That's more than enough. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Jerry Seinfeld: [On the space shuttle and the moon] What the hell were they doin' with a car on the god damn moon? You're on the moon already! Isn't that far enough?
Jerry Seinfeld: [on medicine commercials] Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
Jerry Seinfeld: [on airline bathrooms] Tiny toilet, tiny light, tiny sink, tiny soap dispenser. Tiny slot- for *used razor blades.* That's always there. Who is shaving on the plane? And shaving so much, they're using UP razor blades? What have you got- the Wolfman flying here?
Jerry: Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out everybody I'm workin with pills up here. I'm taking pills from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in a little bottle! That's my whole job.I can't be down on the floor with you people. Then I'm gonna type out, on a little piece of paper. And it's really hard."