Reno 911!: Miami (2007)
Jeff Spoder: Johnson! Last words?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: [sigh] Legalize it.
Deputy Travis Junior: Reno is a lot like Mayberry on the TV except that everyone's on crystal meth and prostitution's legal.
Deputy Travis Junior: I just had the weirdest dream.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You know you're driving, right?
[hits a porto-potty]
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: [cheerfully] Nobody in it!
Drug Lord's First Hostage: [after being tortured by weed whacker] Who brings a weed wacker on a boat?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I became a police officer because my doctor told me I needed to get out of the house more.
Jeff Spoder: [attempting to jump a raised bridge in a mini-cart] HAMMER OF THE GODS!
Kevlar Guy: [Officer Weigel takes her turn shooting at guy in Kevlar vest & accidently shoots him in the arm] What the fuck?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: This is the stupidest group of people I've ever worked with who are not legally retarded.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Why was your hand on my dick?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I dreamt that I was driving in the Indie500!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: This hotel reminds me of a place you'd want to go to get a good ol' fashioned raping or a down-home murder!
Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us...
Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: Hey assholes, more assholes here for your suckfest!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Terry, when you're here, you're an ambassador for Reno.
Terry: Heavy on the assador!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Terry, we're in no mood for your hijinx. Are you getting on the bus or not?
Terry: I'm not getting on that bus. A: it smells like farts. B: I've got my own jet that I got for Flagday to take me back home. So you wanna ride in the fart-mobile or do you wanna ride with me?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Let me in, I don't have a key to this door.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It's open. You ok?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Oh, I'm in love.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey, you've got a bandage on your teat.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: A love bandage.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, I mean an ace bandage.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Oh my God, if I've been stabbed, I'm gonna be so pissed!
Deputy Clementine Johnson: You need to go to the store and get me some cranberry juice cuz it's gonna be one of those days!
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Uh oh, yeast infection time!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I had to pee, so I did the pullover thing, but I think I dribbled.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Does anybody have any ideas?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What about... a phone... you can smell through...
Jeff Spoder: Any last words?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Ummm... Uhhhh... Ummm He liked it? NO! Wait!
Deaf Tattoo Artist: [pointing to Clementine's crotch] You got anything down there?
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Actually, I have nothing down there. Just like a Barbie.
Jeff Spoder: [to Ethan] I've understood, like, every third word you've said to me the entire time I've known you.
Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thats not the only thing you're on. What else are you on, Terry?
Terry: I'm on fucking crack, yo!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: God Terry, what are you covered in?
Terry: Oh that's... Apple Martini lube.
Deputy Travis Junior: [one of the topless ladies on the beach is holding a pistol] Who gave topless a gun?
Deputy Raineesha Williams: We got a call about lewd behavior on the boardwalk and you the only thing I see around here that could qualify as lewd.
Terry: How is this... I'm not lewd at all... I don't even know what... lube or lewd?
Terry: I just flew in. I'm recording an album. It's called Terrys' South Bitch Live: Fuck You Dad, and it drops in 2009.
Captain Rogers, DHS: You fuck with me one more time... I'm gonna fill up a tube sock with oranges and I'm gonna beat you till I juice it, then I'ma drink that juice in front of you and you'll beg to me 'why why why' but I won't answer that question because you'll know its so you'll get your heads out of your asses