- Sir Alan Sugar: [the Apprentices have gathered] Right, it's time to fire one of you. I don't know why, I mean, I wouldn't be a millionaire if I fired a fifteenth of my workforce every day in real life. Does anyone want to make it easier by pointlessly lying or trying to take credit for something they didn't do? No? I'll just fire the fat bloke, then.
- Mr Terrific: And there's just time to go to Gyles Brandreth for the last word!
- Gyles Brandreth: That's Numberwank!
- Mr Terrific: It's NumberWANG!
- Gyles Brandreth: ...Fuck.
- David: You were just a kid then! You're older and wiser now! You're manager of this subteam! Think what you could do with one of these, now.
- Telekinetic with Biscuits: Not that one, actually. It's a Jaffa Cake, it's not a true biscuit.
- Mr Terrific: [Big Talk panel show] Look at my boffins! They were bullied at school, yet they still want to give something back to society...
- Announcer: Tonight on Panorama, the issue of Social Workers who are themselves Mental or Going Mental in "You do have to be Mad to Work Here but it Doesn't Help".
- Cyrano de Bergerac: [for some reason in the modern World] Tell her she's a dirty girl and she loves it!
- Robert: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Hoooorse! Happy birthday to you!
- David: You're much better at this than me! That's why you've got a TV Show and I've got a failing restaurant!
- Scott of the Antarctic: [his companions have eaten the last carrot] But that was to be the nose for my Snowman!
- Mr Terrific: How does your new sound sound?
- Various: Ah, who guards the guards?
- Mr Terrific: That doesn't make sense.
- Christmas: He spends most of his time on Canvey Island as a Tax Dodge.