The 78th Annual Academy Awards (2006 TV Special)
Jon Stewart: 'Schindler's List' and 'Munich'. I think I speak for all the Jews when I say 'I can't wait to see what happens to us next!'
Jon Stewart: I do have some sad news to report: Björk couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
Jon Stewart: Welcome to the Seventy-Eighth Annual Academy Awards... hosted by me... the fourth male lead in "Death To Smoochy".
Jon Stewart: For those of you who are keeping score at home, I just want to make something very clear: Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars; Three 6 Mafia, one.
Jon Stewart: [introducing Luke and Owen Wilson] Our next presenters are two very talented brothers, which I realize is also an excellent way to describe the Baldwin family.
Jon Stewart: 'Capote' was a groundbreaking film that broke taboos, that showed America not all gay people are virile cowboys.
Jon Stewart: There are women here who could afford barely enough gown to cover their breasts.
George Clooney: It's a funny thing winning an Academy Award, this will always be sort of synonymous with your name from here on and it will be 'Oscar winner George Clooney, sexiest man alive 1997, Batman, died today in a freak accident... '
Jon Stewart: I know Three 6 Mafia is going to get all up in it with Itzhak Perlman's posse, and the only way to solve it is a dreidel-off.
Jon Stewart: The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.
Jon Stewart: Um, pimp... uh, sort of like an agent with a better hat.
Jon Stewart: You know what... I think it just got a little easier out here for a pimp.
[after the umpteenth montage]
Jon Stewart: I can't wait till later when we see Oscar's salute to montages. Holy crap, we're out of clips. We are literally out of film clips. If you have film clips, send them please. We have another 3 hours. I don't care if they're on Beta, just send them.
Jon Stewart: [about George Clooney's three nominations] Two of the nominations for 'Good Night, and Good Luck.', which is not just Edward R. Murrow's signoff, it's also how Mr. Clooney ends all his dates.
Jon Stewart: 'Capote' of course addressed similar themes to 'Good Night, and Good Luck.': both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.
Jon Stewart: And right now around the world, we're being watched by hundreds of millions of people, nearly half of whom are in the process of being adopted by Angelina Jolie. I'm waitlisted.
Jennifer Garner: [after stumbling on her dress and almost falling down] Thank you! I do my own stunts!
Jon Stewart: [greeting the crowd at the beginning of the show] Good evening, ladies, gentlemen... Felicity...
Jon Stewart: [on Charlize Theron in 'North Country'] If you haven't seen the film, she plays a woman who is constantly judged on her looks and paid less than her male co-workers. Must be wonderful to be done with that and back here in Hollywood.
Jon Stewart: You know what actually would be easier: raise your hand if were not in 'Crash'.
Jon Stewart: I tell you the movies that do very well - the remakes. 'King Kong' - made that a couple of times, this time a smash hit. 'War of the Worlds' - remake, tremendous. 'Walk the Line'... It's 'Ray' with white people.
George Clooney: [accepting the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor] Wow... so I'm not winning director...
George Clooney: We are a little bit of out of touch in Hollywood every once in a while, I think it's probably a good thing. We're the ones who talked about AIDS when it was just being whispered, and we talked about civil rights when it wasn't really popular, and we bring up subjects... This academy, this group of people gave Hattie McDaniel a Oscar in 1939, when blacks were still sitting in the backs of the theatres. I'm proud to be a part of this academy, proud to be a part of this community and proud to be out of touch.
Jon Stewart: We've got movies about racism, prejudice, censorship, murders. This is why we go to movies, for an escape.