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Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-12 (2005)

The first twelve chapters of R. Kelly's rap opera in which a one-night stand triggers a series of revelations about the sexual deceits of its characters.

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Cast

Complete credited cast:
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Sylvester / Narrator
Cat Wilson ...
...
LeShay N. Tomlinson ...
Cathy (as Leshay Tomlinson)
Malik Middleton ...
Chuck (as Malik S. Middleton)
...
Drevon Cooks ...
...
...
LaDonna Tittle ...
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The first twelve chapters of R. Kelly's rap opera in which a one-night stand triggers a series of revelations about the sexual deceits of its characters.

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Short | Drama | Music | Musical

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for pervasive language and brief sexuality
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1 November 2005 (USA)  »

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1.78 : 1
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Sylvester: So I pulled out my beretta...
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Featured in The Big Fat Quiz of the Year (2006) See more »

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A new benchmark has been set
27 April 2006 | by (United Kingdom) – See all my reviews

trapped in the closet.

When I began my hunt for the worst movie ever made, I pretty much started knowing the answer. I don't have much doubt in my mind that 'Manos the hands of Fate' can't be beaten for that award, although there is plenty that comes close (ankle biters for example). There is, however, another reason I went on this mission, I found Troll 2 so funny, and became determined to find other movies that had the 'So bad it's funny' magic. Movies have come and gone, and provided many chuckles (Shark Attack 3 anyone?), but never did I expect to find a movie that would surpass the greatness of Troll 2. A movie that is so funny it hurts, so funny it could be used as a weapon of mass destruction. And that movie is performed, written and directed by non other than R Kelly.

In some ways you could consider R Kelly to be a genius (and according to Wikipedia he persists that he is a genius), but not many. R Kelly has not only invented a whole new genre of moviedom, a 'Hip-Hopera', but he has also brought the ability to sng/mc/rap down to a level that can be accessible to the common man. For example, previously to sing/rap a "song" from the top of your head would perhaps require a large amount of quick thinking and talent. You would need to get your lines to fit a pattern of some sort (a 'tune' if you like) and perhaps try to make each line rhyme with the previous one by using words of a similar sound (for example, you can rhyme 'carrot' and 'parrot'. Did you see what I did there?).

But now the rules have changed. It is now possible to rhyme lines with the same word exactly, over and over again, take this verse for example ...

Then opens the dresser (dresser) He looks at the closet (closet) I pull out my Beretta (Beretta) He walks up to the closet (closet) He's close up to the closet (closet) Now he's at the closet (closet) Now he's opening the closet

. Or if that is too much for you try taking completely different words, and force them to rhyme by singing them in the same way. (note baretta and dresser above) take this verse for example

He hopped out the car and walks over to me And said, "License and registration, please" I looked up at him and said, "Officer, is there something wrong?" He said, "No, except you were were doing 60 in a 40 mile zone"

There is also the classic rhyming of 'nuts' and 'spatula'

And best of all, you don't need to sing about anything important, you can sing about mundane everyday tasks, but make sure you include every little thing you do. Now anybody can sing about anything at all. (eg, "she wiped her nose and said ...). For added interest, try singing the sound of a police siren, or singing in a southern USA Accent.

Without wanting to spoil to many of the plot twists (and to be honest there are more of them than minutes in this movie) The entire movie can be summed up pretty simply, everybody is sleeping with everybody else, and R Kelly has an inferiority complex that requires him to pull out his gun, and want to shoot someone (at last! an actual rhyme!) in almost every scene. Needless to say there are many plot holes in this movie (surely the image of a well en downed midget stripper is one that will haunt you forever? why did R Kelly not recognise him the next day?), and a saturated amount of plot twists (who isn't having an affair?). It will probably take a few watches to understand everything that happens in 'Trapped in the Closet', but believe me, you will watch it many times, you will pass it around to everyone you know, this piece of history must be shared. And the 12th chapter even ends with a cliffhanger ... does that mean we can hope for more?

But not all is good. Yes, this could be the funniest piece of work ever created, but what does this mean for the future of comedy? We have reached the limits of how funny something can be, meaning that all other comedy from now on will only ever measure up to be "not quite as good as 'trapped in the closet' ". It will reduce your enjoyment of any other comedy out there. To be honest, that is quite a depressing thought.

Genius! He has re-written the musical rulebook in such a profound way that quite frankly I feel honoured to be alive as history is written.

"Man, this is getting scary I'm going to shoot somebody"


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