Ted Crawford: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Ted Crawford: My dick has evidence.
Judge Robinson: Excuse me?
Ted Crawford: My dick... my private investigator. I call him Dick.
Ted Crawford: I love you. Does he?
[He shoots his wife]
Judge Pincus: I appreciate your concern for the dignity of the court 007, Unfortunately, the man is a tax-paying citizen and entitled by our constitution to try and manipulate the legal system like everybody else.
Ted Crawford: And the look on his face, oh. He was trying to get her back to life. And I was pissing myself laughing. Because I took both the bastards out with one fucking bullet.
Willy Beachum: Is it safe to say that the person who inflicted this wound intended to kill?
Ted Crawford: You really need to be nice to me now, Willy.
Willy Beachum: Why?
Ted Crawford: Because... what's left of a life depends on a machine powered by a cord that leads to a plug in an electrical outlet... and I decide when it gets pulled. That's why.
Willy Beachum: Did Mr. Crawford seem confused, intoxicated, or impaired in any way?
Lt. Robert Nunally: No, not at all. He knew exactly what was going on.
Willy Beachum: Detective Nunally, what did Mr. Crawford say?
Lt. Robert Nunally: He said: 'It was like I just suddenly snapped. I got the gun and I shot my wife. I shot her in the head'
Ted Crawford: [whispering into the air with his head leaned back] Objection.
Judge Robinson: I'm sorry, Mr. Crawford, did you say something?
Ted Crawford: Yes, I wish to object.
Judge Robinson: On what grounds?
Ted Crawford: [getting up] I don't know...
Willy Beachum: Your honor...
Ted Crawford: Um, I don't know what, uh, you'd call it, but, uh, they... It wasn't the first time it happened either... but, um. I, um, I don't know the, uh, legal terminology.
Judge Robinson: Well, why don't you try to explain it in layman's terms.
Ted Crawford: Um... fucking the victim.
Ted Crawford: [following uproar in court] Well, you said layman's terms!
Willy Beachum: Your honor!
Ted Crawford: I'm sorry, your honor, but what would you call it, legally, when the officer who arrested you was having sexual intercourse with your wife? You know, I think it's objectionable. It's rather disgusting is what I think, but uh... I dunno; maybe I'm wrong!"
Ted Crawford: You know, my grandfather was an egg farmer.
Willy Beachum: This isn't going to be about your, uh, "rough childhood," is it?
Ted Crawford: No, I used to candle eggs at his farm. Do you know what that is? You hold an egg up to the light of a candle and you look for imperfections. The first time I did it he told me to put all the eggs that were cracked or flawed into a bucket for the bakery. And he came back an hour later, and there were 300 eggs in the bakery bucket. He asked me what the hell I was doing. I found a flaw in every single one of them - you know, thin places in the shell; fine, hairline cracks. You look closely enough, you'll find that everything has a weak spot where it can break, sooner or later.
Willy Beachum: You looking for mine?
Ted Crawford: I've already found yours.
Willy Beachum: What is it?
Ted Crawford: You're a winner, Willy.
Willy Beachum: Yeah.
Willy Beachum: Well, I guess the joke's on me then, isn't it?
Ted Crawford: [grinning] You bet your ass, old sport.
Willy Beachum: I'm not going to play any games with you.
Ted Crawford: I'm afraid you have to old sport.
Willy Beachum: [after discussing decorating styles with his secretary over the phone while he is in Crawford's house] What style would you say this is?
Detective Flores: Oh... I'd say homicidal modern.
Ted Crawford: [refering to his private investigator] My Dick is good.
Judge Gardner: You know what nobody understands about certain kinds of low pay public service work, every now and then you get put a fucking stake in a bad guys heart. I'm not supposed to talk about that when I visit third grade classes for career day and it doesn't get you very far in the country club locker room, but its hard to beat when you actually get to do it.
Lt. Robert Nunally: Your wife? Is she OK?
Ted Crawford: I don't think she is. I shot her.
Lt. Robert Nunally: I warned you about him.
Willy Beachum: You warned me he was smart. You didn't warn me you were stupid.
Willy Beachum: I don't think the gun grew little gun legs and walked out of the house. It's in here somewhere, find it.
Crawford's Secretary: The NTSB guys are here about that bulkhead problem.
Ted Crawford: OK, thanks.
Judge Pincus: Are the people ready, Mr. Beachum?
Judge Pincus: Very well. We will now proceed with opening statements. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what you hear...
Willy Beachum: It happens right? People wake up, it's not impossible.
Resident: What're you gonna do, keep asking the same question different ways so you get the answer you want?
Willy Beachum: [shrugs] I guess. That's what I do.
Resident: Hm, I knew I should've gone to law school.