Dog Bites Man (2006– )
Kevin Beekin: [Kevin is planning to go undercover as a homosexual] I don't know if I'm believable as a gay.
Marty Shonson: Well, a lot of your fan mail does say "Kevin Beekin is a homo."
Kevin Beekin: I'm gonna have to get inside the mind of a gay. Like, where do gays go?
Tillie Sullivan: Uh, I think you could be a gay ordering food at a restaraunt. Start there.
Kevin Beekin: Do they do that?
Tillie Sullivan: I would assume so, right?
Marty Shonson: Sure.
Kevin Beekin: I don't know... what do they order?
Tillie Sullivan: I don't know. Marty, find out what gay people eat.
Marty Shonson: You got it.
Kevin Beekin: May I ask why you brought a razor to this meeting?
Alan Finger: I thought we were here to talk about facial sensitivity.
Tillie Sullivan: Ask him how many times he thinks a woman has to experiment before she's considered a lesbian.
Kevin Beekin: Speaking on behalf of the lesbian community, how many acts... of lesbianics, I don't know the word. How many acts of lesbianics does it take before she's considered a lesbian?
Gay Man: Without making anyone uncomfortable... I'd rather not try to speculate on that question.
Tillie Sullivan: I heard it was five.
Gay Man: I would agree with that, yeah.
Kevin Beekin: Isn't it no longer considered experimenting once you know what it is?
Alan Finger: You look nice, Tillie.
Tillie Sullivan: Well thank you Allan! I appreciate that.
Alan Finger: You're like a hooker. It's nice.
[at a racial sensitivity seminar]
Marty Shonson: Well, I have definitely looked down the double-barrel of the racist shotgun... in that I was made fun of a lot when I was a youngster for
[pointing to his red hair]
Marty Shonson: the old cinnamon bush up top. And uh, you know they called me all kinds of names. You know: carrot top, cinnamon top, copper top, cheeto head, cheeto top, butt pirate, ginger snap.
Kevin Beekin: I don't think, uh..."butt pirate" is referring to your red hair. It's a slang for gay people.
Marty Shonson: I think it refers more to pirates being of Danish decent, the Vikings and whatnot, they were red-haired. And I think the "butt" part is just sort of adding insult to injury. You know, sort of a seaman taunt.
Tillie Sullivan: It becomes the pirate, the reference is it's referring to pillaging butts.
Alan Finger: Personally, sometimes I feel like I'm the black guy.
David Dalke: Say more.
Alan Finger: I'm just a really good freestyle dancer.
Tillie Sullivan: [at a racial sensitivity seminar] I had a dream that I was having sex with a black man. I didn't know if that was racist - in my dream - to be so specific, or was that really open-minded because I was willing to have sex with him? And in the dream, he had sort of the stereotypical large penis... and I felt like that was racist. But in the dream it came out that he was dean of the Harvard law school... so then I thought maybe it balanced out.