Barry Badrinath: I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!
Great Gam Gam: I always sleep better with a little sausage in me.
Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand playing ping-pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high stakes game in some opium den. Turns out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat 'em, they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... they held me down and shoved a ping-pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. Damaged goods.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if someone shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Barry Badrinath: It wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Great Gam Gam: Mr. Badrinath... we are not so different, you and I. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass. I got over it. You will, too.
[puts a comforting hand on Barry's shoulder]
Great Gam Gam: You will, too.
Gunter: He stole it und now instead of Deutschland's greatest beer we merely have fourth best behind Steinemarzen, Rottenburger, und... und...
Otto: Und Beck's?
Gunter: Und Beck's? Ja und Beck's!
Barry Badrinath: It's $10 for a BJ, $12 for an HJ, $15 for a ZJ...
Landfill: [Interrupting] What's a ZJ?
Barry Badrinath: If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: [Trying to persuade Landfill] I've got $4.
Barry Badrinath: Back the fuck up, Antonio! My dick!... My apologies, now 5 dollars to touch it while I touch my toes, 6 dollars to touch it while I touch your... Hey Jan and Todd... and Fink? Hey looking good, Finky!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: You too, Barry.
Barry Badrinath: Hey Todd. About the old girlfriend. Can we bury the hatchet, buddy?
Todd Wolfhouse: I don't know.
Barry Badrinath: I mean it was a one night stand, right? I mean she wasn't even that good looking. A real dead fish, right? She just laid there and took it like a plastic fuck doll.
Todd Wolfhouse: I happened to have MARRIED that plastic fuck doll!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Drunken recall. I gave my subjects massive quantities of alcohol and then I taught them things while they were blacked out. When they woke up the next morning, they couldn't remember anything. But when I got them drunk again, they remembered everything that I taught them the night before. I got it published.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: In Maxim Magazine under the tile of "E=MC Hammered".
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: I start to feel all cooped up in these U-Boats; I had a bad experience once.
Barry Badrinath: [breaking the fourth wall after he had a drunken night of sex with Cherry]
Barry Badrinath: [scoffs] Come on, I knew it the whole time!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Somehow I cloned a batch of monkey frogs.
Todd Wolfhouse: They hand out Nobel prizes for stuff like that?
Jan Wolfhouse: Let me see that, let me see you little...
[looking in to the bag, monkey frog screams]
Jan Wolfhouse: Oh my god!
Todd Wolfhouse: Oh my god, what have you done?
Barry Badrinath: Why don't we get you out those wet clothes, and into a dry martini.
Todd Wolfhouse: We've got to go back and get grandpa's ashes.
Jan Wolfhouse: You go, I'm never leaving this place.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'll show you how to chug a beer, motherfucker, you fat fuckin' cow. L'Chaim!
[proceeds to drink a half-empty pitcher]
Landfill: Uh oh! I think somebody's trying to chug in my face!
Krista Krundle: [during sex] Landfill #2, you are twice the man Landfill #1 was!
Barry Badrinath: [after drinking Ram's piss] Oh man, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever drank.
Landfill: I doubt that very much, playboy
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'm gonna puke! Hey guys... I don't think sitting on a rooftop drinking ram's piss is the way to go. We should get out there, and mix it up with some randoms.
Barry Badrinath: Yeah.
Landfill: Let's get bombed!
[after sinking dozens of quarters around the bar]
Barry Badrinath: [slightly slurred] I'm better when I'm drunk!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I once saw him fart a plum... I was plum surprised.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Oh that's rich! I've got a cowboy on one side and an Indian on the other! It's like the wild west!
Pim Scutney: You're all fur coat and no trousers, you are.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'm sorry, one more time?
Rog Gobshire: Shove off! We're gonna put the skitters in your Alan Whickers, you plonker!
Barry Badrinath: [looking to Fink] Do you know what he's saying?
Gunter: [looking at a cuckoo clock, which originated in Bavaria] Za fuck is zat?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Nathan Cornwell has just discovered Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Big round of applause people, big round of applause.
Hammacher: It's time to scheisse, or get off ze crapper.
Great Gam Gam: [seeing Jan's black eye] What happened to you?
Jan Wolfhouse: Oh, I, uh, accidentally walked into a wall... the Berlin Wall...
Great Gam Gam: You two are the rightful heirs to the Von Wolfhausen Brewery. You should have the balls to take back what is yours!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Wow! You even talk like a whore!
Great Gam Gam: We are all whores in some ways.
Landfill: Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath?
Todd Wolfhouse: Jim Tobleson said they called in a hostage negotiator
Landfill: Jim Tobleson's a fucking Chatty Cathy! I did my three years up at the county pen. Made some friends, went Muslim. Now I'm out, praise Allah.
Jan Wolfhouse: So yeah, I heard you got fired from the brewery?
Landfill: [Landfill gets mad, throws his trophy] God damn brewery! You know that brewery makes 10,000 bottles of beer a day. I drink 45 of them, and I'm the asshole!
Todd Wolfhouse: This is that moment that only exists in sports - where the coach gives a speech on the jumbotrom to get the hometown fans fired up! We're the bad guys and they're the good guys, and I'll be damned if we let the good guys win!
Barry Badrinath: Uh, we're the good guys and they're the bad guys...
Barry Badrinath: [upon waking up after the first night of training, with blood all over his face, next to a deer with its throat ripped out] Oh no, not again!
Otto: [Refering to Fink] Ya it looks like his head is covered in pubic hair
Otto: but it's ok it works, ya, cause you've got a dickface.
Gunter: [about Johan] He then fled to America with his mother, a common Bavarian... what is word I'm looking for? WHORE!
Todd Wolfhouse: Gam Gam a whore? I think something must have been lost in the translation.
Gunter: HOOKER! PROSTITUTE! SLUT FOR MONEY!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Come on, guys. I'm a respected member of the scientific community. I've been published in four journals.
Landfill: Which one? Toad Load Weekly?
Barry Badrinath: [about Great Gam Gam] All I'm saying is... that whore thing could be a real possibility. Some of my best friends are whores.
Jan Wolfhouse: We know, Barry.
Jan Wolfhouse: [Barry picked up a woman] Are you sure you want to do this?
Barry Badrinath: Are you kidding? She's hot as hell! I'm just lookin' for a little slap n' pickle.
Jan Wolfhouse: You're drunk.
Barry Badrinath: Hey... I'm drunk, you're drunk... everybody's drunk!
Jan Wolfhouse: And here's something else you forgot to factor in - we're not that drunk.
Pim Scutney: Did you hear that everybody? They said they're not that drunk! Cheeky bastards!
Crowd: [shouting along] They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk!
Otto: Yeah, you Americans, why don't you go back to strip malls und drink your Zimas and Smirnoff Ices!
Todd Wolfhouse: [after trying the beer] What's wrong?
Jan Wolfhouse: This means Great Gam Gam really was a whore.
Todd Wolfhouse: [thinks about it for a second, then runs off with his ears covererd] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Look at the size of that graduated cylinder!
Todd Wolfhouse: [to Germans during a beer pong match] Loser takes a paddle up the ass.
Gil: Looks like we got the Brits in round 1. We already kicked their asses in WWII. Cheer-i-o, let's do it again!
Barry Badrinath: [after breaking beer mug with a ping pong spike] What do you think about that, fuckhead?
Hammacher: [Takes a bite of glass from the broken mug] What do you think about that, headfuck?
Landfill: [mocking Fink with Popo] It's fwustwating, it's fwustwating.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: It appears it is time to initiate Operation Recipe Retrieve.
Gunter: Is that the title we all agreed on? I kind of like Operation Stein Grab.
Rolf: Or what about Brauheist 2006?
Gunter: Oh, that's a good one.
Rolf: Ja, it's kind of spunky.
Gunter: Ja, it's fun.
Otto: Despite your thievery, we are prepared to buy it from you right now... in cash.
[opens suitcase of euros]
Jan Wolfhouse: Big deal. A suitcase full of monopoly money.
Schlemmer: Come on, those are euros.
Landfill: What's that, like pesos?
Otto: That is legal European tender!
Rolf: I told you we should have brought Deutsch marks.
Gunter: But they are so hard to find!
Great Gam Gam: We are not so different, Mr. Badrinath, you and I. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass, but I got over it, you will too.
Jan Wolfhouse: So what else do the Germans do?
Great Gam Gam: They also practice by drinking the urine of a ram.
Todd Wolfhouse: The - the what?
Great Gam Gam: They drink ram's piss.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Because of the pH balance?
Great Gam Gam: No... because if you can drink ram's piss, fuck, you can drink almost anything.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: She said "fuck."