Go straight past the last house on the left, turn right at the edge of the park, and it's the last house in the woods.
Prologue: the world's densest family are driving home when they blow a tyre and crash (no seat-belts; no airbags; very dumb); the father is dead, so the mother gets her injured son out of the car and tells him to run down the road with her (he could be suffering from spinal damage for all she knows; what an idiot!); when she spies a car approaching, the mother stands in the road and waves her arms, but fails to get out of the way when it passes (Splat! How thick?); the driver of the car pulls over, walks to the barely-still-alive mother, and bashes her head in with a rock (the son, who is cowering in the woods, shouts out; he's easily as stupid as his parents).
After this unparallelled exercise in stupidity, we are introduced to a pair of lovers, Aurora (busty Daniela Virgilio) and Rino (Daniele Grassetti), who attempt to solve issues in their relationship by having car sex in the middle of nowhere. As they redress themselves, post intercourse, a trio of pill-popping thugs turn up, kick Rino to the ground and try to force Aurora to perform fellatio. Fortunately for her, the assault is interrupted when a couple in a passing car stop, and the driver, Antonio (Gennaro Diana) proceeds to send the thugs packing (with the help of his gun, of course).
Grateful for his assistance, the shocked couple accompany Antonio to his house, but it turns out to be a case of 'out of the frying pan, and into the fire': Antonio and his wife Clara (Santa De Santis) are the proud parents of a group of deformed cannibals, and Aurora and Rino are destined to become dinner.
It is clear from the derivative title alone that Last House In The Woods is intended to recreate the nasty, gritty vibe of 70s and 80s grind house horror, most notably the early work of Wes Craven, Tobe Hooper, and Italy's own Ruggero Deodato; unfortunately, director Gabriele Albanesi tends to stick a little too closely to his source material, and for much of the film, he offers very little new in terms of ideas. Inbred cannibals; vicious rapist thugs; chainsaw mayhem: it's all so familiar. Hell, even Gennaro Diana looks kinda like David Hess's younger brother.
However, as Italian horror films seem to be in the habit of doing, the script eventually decides to launch logic out of the window and matters get very crazy, very gory, very quickly, transforming Last House In The Woods from a predictable Hills Have Eyes/Texas Chainsaw clone into a totally bonkers and magnificently vicious gore-fest. In fact, I had so much fun with the typically Italian insanity in the closing moments that I found I could easily forgive the movie's earlier weaknesses.
Yucky treats that await those who are patient include limb amputation via chainsaw, bullets to the head, vicious stabbings, and a messy disembowelment (all courtesy of MUFX man Sergio Stivaletti); furthermore, Virgilio gets absolutely drenched in blood, a mutant cannibal has his huge boil burst during a fight (which results in a geyser of pus hitting a guy in the face), and there's even a quadriplegic kid for good measure. It's mad, it's messy, and it's fun, and that's good enough for me! 6.5 out of 10, rounded up to 7 for IMDb.
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