Man of the Year (2006)
Tom Dobbs: [quoting Benjamin Franklin] Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.
Tom Dobbs: Today I was in the oval office for a preparatory meeting and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check. I sat there and I went 'Wait a minute, I'm a Jester. A Jester doesn't rule the kingdom; He makes fun of the king.'
Tom Dobbs: Why would security guards pad down an 85-year-old lady with a walker? If *she's* a terrorist... well, then the ball game's over, folks.
Alan Stewart: Here's the story: the people are voting, there's an election, and the democratic process is working. The only sour note? The people won't end up with the candidate that they voted for to be President. We can still celebrate the process. The democracy which we hold so dear will have worked. Everybody's gonna be satisfied... Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself. That's the greater truth. You wanna fuck with our democracy, undermine our way of life? Every American believes their vote counts. You wanna tell them that's not true?
Tom Dobbs: Even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy. Remember those two Jewish commandos who were sent to kill Hitler at 12:30? They waited in an alley with guns, bombs and knives... only Hitler didn't show up. After half an hour came and went, still no Hitler. Finally, one Jew turns to the other and says, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him."
Tom Dobbs: When I was a young boy I used to look at pictures of naked ladies, hence my right hand is very strong. I touched myself more than a third base coach.
Tom Dobbs: The president wants to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Anybody who's been married knows it's always the same sex!
Tom Dobbs: HMOs will pay for your Viagra, but they won't pay for your glasses. So you can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.
Tom Dobbs: You can't spend $200 million running for office without owing *something* to *somebody*. Those who can't afford lobbyists have no advocate. The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor." Government says, "Give me your wealthy, your gifted, your endowed."
Alison McAndrews: Both of the candidates you're running against are happily married, with kids. You're divorced and have no children. So how are *you* gonna come off as family-friendly?
Tom Dobbs: Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.
Tom Dobbs: [on patriotism] Why do we need a Constitutional Amendment with regard to burning the flag? Let's just make the flag out of asbestos. They talk about the desecration of the American flag and yet, online, you can buy flag underwear. I just saw my grandmother wearing a flag thong, and I was like, "Granny, I don't wanna know where Old Glory is!"... If it was *really* unpatriotic to question one's government, we'd still be British.
Tom Dobbs: Why *vote* for Congressmen or Senators? Why don't we just pick those guys the same way we pick a jury? At least we'll get a much more interesting cross-section.
Tom Dobbs: Freedom of religion means practicing any religion you want, anytime and anywhere you want. Like being a Jewish Buddhist: all you do is sit and wait for stuff to go on sale.
Tom Dobbs: If you tell a bad joke, you can put a laugh track over it - but the joke's still not funny.
Tom Dobbs: [to group of reporters] I did inhale because I thought 'What the hell, it's lit, it's in my hand, I'll inhale it.'
Tom Dobbs: How many analogies do you have left?
Jack Menken: How many does it take to make my point?
Tom Dobbs: The government said recently that we're cutting back spending, yet NASA blew $28 million to develop a fountain pen that writes upside down in zero gravity. The Russians solved the same problem with a 5-cent pencil... and after two cases of vodka, it's still writing.
Tom Dobbs: If you have GPS, be very careful. I bought a Mercedes recently with talking GPS. I opened the door and my car went, "Are you Jewish?"
Tom Dobbs: Soon, all of your appliances will speak to each other. You'll get on the scale and it'll go, "I've talked to the microwave; forget it, pal."
Hemmings: Will you be disappointed to be going back to television after this ride?
Eddie Langston: Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.
Hemmings: How so?
Eddie Langston: TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.
Hemmings: Why is that so bad?
Eddie Langston: If everything seems credible then nothing seems credible. You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes, side-by-side. On one side, there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened. And next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust. And now, there they sit, side-by-side, they look like equals! Everything they say seems to be credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore! We just stopped listening!
Tom Dobbs: [just minutes before his nationally-televised Presidential debate] I need a wife to be my escort for the debate. We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing ostentatious. Helicopter pad in the back yard, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60... Am I nervous? Well, why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?
Tom Dobbs: There are roughly 8 thousand slots to be filled, 15 hundred of which will require Senate confirmation. Do we *know* that many incompetent people, outside of Los Angeles?
Tom Dobbs: If Mama Cass had shared a lunch with Karen Carpenter, both would still be alive today... What do I think of gay marriage? I believe gays have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.
Tom Dobbs: ...You know, Italy just elected a porn star to their senate. Which is wonderful, because that means no sex scandals - just great posters and incredible downloads.
Tom Dobbs: People say Intelligent Design, we must teach Intelligent Design. Look at the human body, is that intelligent? You have a waste processing plant next to a recreation area.
Tom Dobbs: [at a presidental debate] You want an amendment against same sex marriage! Anyone who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!
Eddie Langston: [referring to Senator Mills in the debate] This guy smiles so much, it's starting to upset me.
Senator Mills: I support hydrogen cars...
Tom Dobbs: That's weird, because you're backed by oil companies.
Eddie Langston: There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?
Eleanor Green: [franticly] You are not the elected president of the United States. There! I've said it.
Tom Dobbs: And here's our first contestant, Your name please? / Yes my name is Rachel Tensions.
Tom Dobbs: / Yes indeed dear, contestant number two your name? / My name is Miss Ogyny, Yes I thought he was really hot but then when I found out about his radical environmental policy I went Ump-mm, I like a dirty environment if you know what I mean, I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wet lands and drill.
Tom Dobbs: Deep drill you know what I'm saying, get down in the mud and take it home daddy that's all.
Tom Dobbs: [to a group of reporters] I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
Jack Menken: Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are and how straightforward. I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
Tom Dobbs: Well I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it "Crop Circles", is that offensive?
Jack Menken: Not to me.
Tom Dobbs: [to reporters] No, I did not sleep with that woman... but I wanted to!
Jack Menken: You're a comedian who talks about politics. So when you talk about politics without the comedy, it's like wanting to have sex and forgetting to bring along the woman: you'll quickly discover something's missing. Look at it this way - who would you rather have dinner with, Richard Pryor in his prime, or UN President Kofi Annan? Tell me which dinner would be more entertaining, more interesting.
Tom Dobbs: If there's no candles, Pryor.
Jack Menken: Politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum: they're already in their suits, waiting to be buried. You don't wanna be like them; you wanna be different.
Tom Dobbs: I was always hoping for a Brazilian Pope - Pope Raul - just so we could have nuns in thongs and feathers. That would bring a lot of people back to the Church.
Tom Dobbs: [on his decision to run for President of the US] I'm fed up with party politics, tired of the whole Republicans versus Democrats thing. Because there's no real difference; they're all Mr. Potato-Head candidates. Basically, the operative word is party. Behind closed doors, they just have a good time. What do you think the Secretary of Defense means when he says, "I think there's an open bar somewhere"?
Tom Dobbs: [on the environment] The best thing about ethanol, or alcohol-based fuel, is that it provides you with a fresh alibi. If you get pulled over by the cops, you can just say, "My car's been drinking, not me!"... If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll catch two-headed bass. They're good eating once you get past the tumors.
Tom Dobbs: I'm obsessed with Angelina Jolie. I'd like to wet her lips and stick her to something.
Tom Dobbs: The difference between a stand-up comic and a rock star is this: Women don't rush the stage and holler at the comic, "This is *your* child!" No, if women throw their underwear on stage for us comics... that's because they need it fluffed, folded and back by Friday.
Tina Fey: I once threw my undies at Paris Hilton, and they stuck to her. Then there was the time I threw my underwear at George Michael; he threw it back.
Amy Poehler: There was one time I threw my undies at Britney Spears, because it looked like she needed to borrow a pair. On another occasion, I threw my underwear at Michael Jackson; he immediately put it over his son's head.
Tom Dobbs: There's one other person I've thrown my underwear at: Captain Kangaroo. I was five years old, and a *big* fan of Mister Green Jeans. What can I say? Those guys were their generation's answer to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.
Jack Menken: [in the hospital with Dobbs as the latter is winning the Presidential election] This is the happiest night of my life, and I can't stay awake. Go figure.
Tom Dobbs: [paying an impromptu visit to Congress] I'll try and be brief, because I know this is the Senate's bingo day... This is not official; it's just our little secret between you, me and the world media.
Tom Dobbs: My manager's only annoying when he's happy. It's an old Irish tradition... I've played in clubs for years; I've had to deal with drunks, hecklers and angry waitresses - including my ex-wife, who was all three.
Jack Menken: When you're in love with a beautiful woman, she can tell you that Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'll believe her.
Mathias: My ex-wife used to do enough tranquilizers every night to down an entire flock of sheep. She said it made sex with me more tolerable.