Mitch Burns: [Dan and his family are eating dinner with Mitch's girlfriend] I swear, the minute I saw her I felt like I was in the room with an angel.
Dan Burns: This corn is like an angel.
Marty Barasco: Love is not a feeling, Mr. Burns. It's an ability.
Dan Burns: [after the family sees him and Marie kissing] You guys broke up, right?
Mitch Burns: Two hours ago!
Dan Burns: Instead of telling our young people to plan ahead, we should tell them to plan to be surprised.
Dan Burns: I don't want to go out with the pig... face.
Policeman: This is going to cost you
[writes a traffic ticket]
Dan Burns: Put it on my tab.
Policeman: What was that?
Dan Burns: [Aside] Put it on my tab.
Dan Burns: There's rightness in our wrongness.
Marie: [about Mitch] It seems all his best lines were yours... this is unbearable.
Jane Burns: [about driving] If you don't let me, I'll never learn.
Dan Burns: But if I let you, you might not live.
Dan Burns: What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out. What is it? Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? That there's something keeping you apart? That there's something about this person that you can connect with? And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart, and you know that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?
Dan Burns: Life... is full of disappointments
Cara Burns: You are a murderer of love!
Cara Burns: You don't have to worry because when it comes to sex, Marty is the one that wants to wait.
Dan Burns: What part of that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?
Dan Burns: Well, that was stupid.
Dan Burns: I ordered a muffin...
[takes a large, tall-based muffin from the bag]
Dan Burns: But I think they gave me a small planet.
Dan Burns: [regarding the talent show] Put me down.
Eileen: What's your talent?
Dan Burns: Murderer of Love.
Marie: That's sweet.
Dan Burns: How is that sweet?
Marie: To be that certain, to feel that much love.
Dan Burns: Love isn't a feeling?
Dan Burns: It's an ability.
Marie: Well, if that's true, then you have one gifted daughter.
Dan Burns: You know that feeling in your heart? When your heart is just pounding, like it's actually outside your ribs. Exposed, vulnerable, but wonderful and awful, and heartsick, and alive, all at the same time?
Marie: I'm looking for a book... something that can help me deal with what might be an awkward situation. Something funny might be nice, but not necessarily big, 'ha, ha, ha,' 'laugh, laugh, laugh' funny, and certainly not make-fun-of-other-people funny but rather something human-funny. And, uh, if it could uh, sneak up on you, surprise you, and at the same time make you think that what you thought wasn't only right, in a wrong kind of way, but when you're wrong, there's a certain rightness in your wrongness... Well, what I mean is, more importantly, I'm looking to be swept up! And at the same time, not.
Dan Burns: Well, you rarely find all that in one book.