Ben Stone: Our baby is going to be French Canadian.
Alison Scott: And a little bit Spanish...?
Ben Stone: Yeah, I'm not very good with accents.
Alison Scott: [to Debbie] What do you think? He's funny, right?
Ben Stone: [to Debbie's kids] Fetch!
Debbie: [to Alison] He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.
Jonah: I'm going to murderball you!
Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
Doorman: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I fuckin' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a black midget in the crowd.
Martin: Fuck me in the beard.
Pete: Never do what they did.
Charlotte: I'm gonna do it...
Pete: You are? Uh oh, someone's getting homeschooled.
Jason: She looks really... smart.
Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.
Jonah: I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion.
Jack: We decided that, we want you to be on camera.
Alison Scott: Oh my god, really?
Jill: I know, I was so surprised too.
Jay: Because your face looks like a vagina.
Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.
Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
Debbie: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.
Debbie: [on subject of husbands] You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change!
Ben's Dad: Life doesn't care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it.
Pete: Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.
Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Ben's Dad: Yes.
Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for YOU...
Debbie: Who is that guy? Is that Ben's Rabbi? Is he the one that cuts the penis?
Pete: I think it's Matisyahu.
Pete: You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.
[sobbing and thinking about the babysitter]
Debbie: She is such a prissy little high school cu... cunt!
Jason: You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.
Ben Stone: That's because Steely Dan Gargles my balls.
Pete: [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms] Tastes like a rainbow.
Dr. Pellagrino: [after staring at Allison's vagina for the gynecology appointment] Wow, you do look like your sister!
Ben Stone: Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool.
Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!
Pete: [quoting Back to the Future] Where we're going we don't need roads.
Fantasy Baseball Guy #1: Hey, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!
Alison Scott: Why don't you go FUCK your FUCKING Bong?
Ben Stone: I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!
Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.
Pete: There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.
Ben Stone: That's way too many chairs for one room!
Debbie: [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other.
Pete: Who needs a time machine?
Debbie: [to Alison] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
Jason: Well, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.
Pete: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.
Ben Stone: [during earthquake] FUCK ME!
Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style?
Alison Scott: You're not going to fuck me like a dog.
Ben Stone: It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.
Alison Scott: Just do it!
Debbie: Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?
Pete: I went to the movies.
Debbie: With who?
Pete: By myself.
Debbie: What'd you see?
Pete: Spider-Man 3.
Debbie: Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?
Pete: Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself.
Debbie: I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
[Debbie holds back tears]
Debbie: You're not the only one.
Pete: It's not that big of a deal.
Debbie: I like Spider-Man.
Pete: Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.
Debbie: I don't want to go see it now.
Debbie: I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own.
Pete: What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do?
Debbie: You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean.
Pete: I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just...
Debbie: No, you're not. You're lying.
Pete: I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.
Debbie: You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay?
Pete: Come on.
Ben Stone: You know, the best thing for a hangover is weed. Do you smoke weed?
Alison Scott: Not really.
Ben Stone: You don't?
Alison Scott: No.
Ben Stone: At all?
Alison Scott: Uh-uh.
Ben Stone: Like... in the morning?
Alison Scott: No... I just... don't.
Ben Stone: It is, like, the best medicine. 'Cause it fixes everything. Jonah broke his elbow once. We just... got high and... it still clicks but, I mean, he's ok.
Jack: ...there's gonna be some things that you are going to be able to get, that other people in the office don't get... one of them: Gym membership.
Alison Scott: You want me to lose weight?
Jack: [laughing] No, I don't want you to lose weight!
Jill: No, uh, we can't legally ask you to do that.
Jack: We didn't say lose weight... I might say tighten.
Alison Scott: Tight?
Jill: Just liked toned and smaller.
Jack: Don't make everything smaller, I don't wanna generalize that way... tighter.
Jill: We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less.
Alison Scott: OK.
Jill: We would just like it if you go home and step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20.
Alison Scott: 20.
Jill: And then weigh that much.
Ben Stone: What time is it?
Alison Scott: 7:30
Ben Stone: Why the fuck are we awake? Let's go back to sleep.
Alison Scott: I have to go to work.
Ben Stone: Really?
Alison Scott: Uh, do you need to... get to work or anything?
Ben Stone: No, I'm uh... no work today hahahaha.
Ben Stone: [explaining the conception to their newborn baby] and then your Mommy said, "Just do it already!" which was very confusing to Daddy, so I took the most literal translation.
Ben Stone: But between you and me, it was the smartest thing I ever did, 'cause now you're here.
Pete: [high on 'shrooms] Did you know there's a guy whose sole job is to find chairs for these hotel rooms?
Ben Stone: Please take the chairs away.
Pete: Like this one! It's red with gold stripes and -
- oh, this one is amazing!
Ben Stone: Please take the chairs away. I don't like them. The big one is staring at me and that short one is being very droll.
Jill: Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write than down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that. Yeah.
Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.
Ben Stone: Now that's how you get pink eye.
Ben Stone: Fuck you, hormones!
Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.
Ben Stone: Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.
Ben Stone: [to bartender] You're going to be embarrassed when you realize I'm Wilmer Valderama.
Ben Stone: I live in your phone!
Alison Scott: Hey...
Ben Stone: I'm naked.
Alison Scott: Yeah.
Ben Stone: [whispers] Did we have sex?
Alison Scott: Yes.
Ben Stone: Nice.
Ben Stone: If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."
Ben Stone: You think I'm an inventor? "He created a dick-skin condom, He hollowed out a penis and put it on", what the fuck?
Martin: Thanks for the free money, Bitch.
Martin: Whatever. I'm glad I'm not a Jew.
Ben Stone: So are we...
Ben Stone: You weren't chosen for a reason.
[during a check-up]
Female Doctor: Oops. That's not your vagina. That's your asshole.
Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison Scott: Pregnant with a baby.
Jay: I'm going to be there to rear your child.
Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!
Alison Scott: I'm actually doing my first on-air interview today.
Ben Stone: With who?
Alison Scott: Uh, Matthew Fox.
Ben Stone: Matthew Fox from Lost?
Alison Scott: Yeah.
Ben Stone: You know what's interesting about him?
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: Nothing!
Ben Stone: [Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers] Oh Hey! What up dawg?
Sadie: Where have you been?
Ben Stone: Around, you know... just kinda doing my thing!
Sadie: Why is everybody so mad at you?
Ben Stone: I don't know are they mad what have they been saying?
Sadie: They've been saying like Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Ben's a prick.
Ben Stone: They said that?
Sadie: A lot!
Ben Stone: That sucks!
Sadie: [intrigued] What does it mean?
Ben Stone: [Ben hesitates] Penis... means penis
[Sadie turns her back and Ben walks in]
Martin: Do you ever get so bored, you just stare at your balls?
Jonah: I bet you do, late John Lennon.
[after looking at Ben's website]
Debbie: He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh that's "cu... Oh that's gross!
[Alison's friends see she's pregnant]
Ben Stone: You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.
Ben Stone: [while tripping on mushrooms] Isn't weird how chairs exist even when you're not sitting on them?
Ben Stone: Oh yeah... It's a girl. Buy some pink shit!
Sadie: I Googled murder.
Pete: I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.
Ben Stone: That's sad.
Pete: Totally sad. Their smiling faces just point out your inability to enjoy anything.
James Franco: If this is one of those fucking joke shows, then I'm not into it.
Pete: [to Ben Stone] Marriage is like that show Everybody Loves Raymond, but its not funny. All the problems are the same, but
Pete: you know instead of all the funny, pithy dialogue, everybody is really pissed off and tense.
Brent: [about Alison's vomiting] You sound like Jabba the Hut dying.
Alison Scott: I love your curly hair! It's great... do you use product or anything?
Ben Stone: No... I use, uh, jew it's called.
Jodi: You must be angry at the baby whenever it steals your food, huh. Ohh that's mine, not yours. But, you know, because you're family you gotta share.
Jonah: I can't believe you didn't fucking wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?
Jason: Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use 'em, man?
Jonah: I can't believe you did this. You fucked everything up.
Jason: The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.
Jonah: Well that's true. Everyone knows that.
Jason: What goes up must come down.
Ben Stone: [watching Cheaper by the Dozen after taking mushrooms] This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be... laughing about. This is sick. This is a sick movie. I gotta turn this off. It's freaking me out.
Alison Scott: [discussing her pregnancy with her mother] I don't have to tell them right away, I'm only gonna start to show when I'm like, I don't know, 6 months or something like that.
Alison's Mom: 3 months.
Alison Scott: No way.
Alison's Mom: Fat in the face, jowls, fat ass.
Alison Scott: Debbie didn't get fat.
Alison's Mom: Debbie is a freak of nature.
Jodi: [to Allison] You wanna trade boyfriends? Ha. Just kidding. Kind of.
Young Doctor: How long you kids been married?
Ben Stone: We're not married.
Young Doctor: Are you single?
Ben Stone: She's not single, she's just not married.
Young Doctor: Are you two together?
Jonah: Hey, Jay, do you use that Canadian leaf tattoo as like a cum target? How many points do you get for hitting the stem? Like a million.
Jay: Hey, you know I always
[makes masturbating motion]
Jay: go right.
Jonah: Right... into a dude's ass
Alison Scott: I hope your apartment's big enough for the three of us.
Ben Stone: Oh it definitely is. That's why I got one in East LA. The rent, it's HUGE. The only thing is we have to decide if we're gonna be Crips or Bloods before we get there.
Alison Scott: Well, I look good in red.
Ben Stone: I look good in blue... The fighting continues.
Ben Stone: [answering the phone] Hello?
Jason: Hey! What's up, Daddy? What are you doing?
Ben Stone: Just smoking a joint. Drinking some beers. You know? Rockin.
Jay: I got to get off! I got to get off! Got to get off! Got to get off!
Ben Stone: No, these guys can honk all they want, I ain't going faster than 12. It might take us around three hours to get home, though.
Doorman: What the fuck is she doing at the club? That's not even good parenting right there. Your old ass should know better than that.
Jill: [walking past Alison] Hey, Alison, great job.
Alison Scott: Oh, thanks!
Jill: [walking away] ... for you...
Debbie: He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh, it's "cummi-"... oh, that's gross!
Ben Stone: I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.
Debbie: OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you.
Ben Stone: Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, ok? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back... the... fuck... off.
Jonah: She like-a the way your dick taste.
Alison Scott: Is she camera ready ?
Martin: You guys aren't suppose to make fun at me thats not part of the rules.
Jason: Martin why didn't you just listen when I was explaining the rules? You just looked at me with that blank stare of yours - it was like talking to a wax statue.
Jay: [to Martin] That's the fun; you're supposed to be tempted into shaving.
Jason: You stay here.
Jason: Cause your face looks like a vagina.
Jonah: How's it going Crockett, been hanging with Tubbs lately?
Martin: Come on man, I'm getting it from all angles here, I really don't like it anymore.
Jonah: I know, me either. Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: Yeah, it was really awkward.
Jonah: All right, see you later Scorcese on coke.
Jay: [Makes a roar like Chewbacca from Star Wars]
Martin: What the fuck was that?
Jay: You know, Chewbacca.
Martin: Oh, another beard joke, fucking hilarious!
Ben Stone: Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where you're at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!
Jonah: We got pinkeye.
Ben Stone: Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?
Jason: Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.
Jay: Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.
Pete: You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?
Pete: That's awesome!
Jonah: Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?
Martin: No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.
Jason: Granted, gynecology is only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she's crowning.