(2005 Video)

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10/10
Good movie
desibandit18 February 2006
Okay this adult flick was the BEST that i have ever seen. I'm a female and I loved it!! Its the only adult movie I have ever watched that was meant for both men and women. There's some good action for the guys, and some sexy men for the girls. And plenty of humor for the both of you!! The costumes are stunning...for a porn. It kind of plays off the Pirates of the Caribbean but don't worry its definitely not a cheesy remake of that movie. It has its own plot, which I found absolutely hilarious, the characters actually had personalities (not robots!) and the plot actually made some sense! It really raises the bar for other adult movies. I watched this with a whole group of friends and we all loved it, males and females both. Highly recommended.
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9/10
This is good!
O C1 September 2006
I'm not writing this to tell the story, but in a few words, there is actually a storyline in this movie. And a good one, not like those movies Private releases. To be completely honest, if they removed every porn action in this movie (like they seem to have done in the R-rated version), this would still be very watchable, even if the sex was completely removed. There is good humor, a good story, some pretty good special effects (considering the budget for the movie was 1 million dollars and that is porn). Did you know that these actors could actually act? Of course, it would not be the best movie ever, but since this is porn, I can say that it is the best porn movie ever done. My girlfriend enjoyed it as much as I did, and she does not usually enjoy porn. Great movie for couples.

The only bad thing about it: the fake breasts. I do not think there is ONE girl with natural breasts. So go rent it or buy it (the DVD set comes with three discs: movie, movie high definition and Extras), it will not let you down.
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7/10
Erotic pirate film plays well even when you remove the sex
dbborroughs3 September 2006
Its a pirate porn movie thats actually plays as a decent little movie.

Sue me I liked this film. I'm not sure I liked it because its better than most adult films or because its a good movie in its own right. Certainly the fact the film can have 40 minutes of sex removed and have it survive says a great deal(The full version runs over two hours). Better than many soft-core trash films that play late night on cable this is actually a movie I'd want to see again.

The plot has something to do with a pirate captain wanting to get a magical Incan scepter that will give him great power to this end he kidnaps a recently married man who holds the key to the hereabouts of the scepter and throws the wife overboard. He is pursued by some pirate hunters who pick up the wife and remain close on the heels of the villains.

What can I say the acting is wildly uneven, but the cast is still game. The effects are uneven, but serviceable (and provide a great homage/spoof with a marvelous riff on the skeleton scene in Jason and the Argonauts). The script is actually reasonably good and properly silly (though with some of the cast anything beyond silly might have been a stretch). I'm guessing in mainstream hands this might have been a successful pirate action film.

My only real complaint is that all of the main women look about the same, large breasted blonds of similar stature and builds. They all pretty much blend together. Its an odd thing to do when the film tries very hard to be something other than a stereotypical adult film.

If you're tired of the typical late night fare you find on many pay cable stations give this film a try. You will laugh with and at the movie, especially if you keep in mind the fact that its source is an adult film.
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6/10
Actually pretty good
millsmills25 September 2006
In case you don't know, there are two versions of Pirates: The R-rated version (which can be bought at Amazon.com and Target, but not Wal-Mart, and can be rented at Blockbuster), and the X-rated version (which can only be bought/rented at adult-fare stores like dvdempire.com and bluedoor.com). I don't know of a store that sells both versions. At Blockbuster, there is a big "R rated, not for children" sticker on the case to keep people from confusing it with Pirates of the Caribbean.

In reviewing the R-rated version, I tried to forget that this movie was made by the porn industry, to keep my review fair. Surprisingly, the costumes, sets, backgrounds, music and special effects were fantastic, especially considering that this movie was reportedly made for only $1 million. (A typical Hollywood movie costs between $15 million and $80 million, with budgets going as high as $200 million.) The drawback here was the acting. About 25% of the actors were very good, about 25% were okay, and about 50% were horrendous. Surprisingly, the porn actors weren't necessarily all bad, and the non-porn actors all good. It was a mixture of both. Evan Stone, the main good guy, was amazing in about every scene. Very Funny. However, Tommy Gunn, the main bad guy, usually made you wince when he was on screen. Kris Slater was not great, but doable. All three are porn actors. The porn girls were a mixed bag, as well. Janine was okay, Jesse Jane was horrible, and Carmen Luvana was pretty good. The only time Jesse was any good was when she was imitating a monk. Granted, the dialogue in a few scenes was pretty poor, so I could empathize with the actors a few times.

It's not hard to tell who the porn actors are from the ones that aren't. They're the ones that get it on, which they do about every 10 minutes, although some scenes would show nothing but a kiss. This movie has more sexual references and nudity than a typical high school-type movie, such as American Pie, but perhaps less than the movies shown late at night on Cinemax which show a lot of simulated sex. Some of these sex scenes would show side profiles of the actors and actresses up against each other, which shows they are completely nude, without showing their private parts. Some scenes would break away to the next scene as the actors would lean forward to kiss. There was a lot of breasts shown in the movie, with a few female butts, just a sliver of full female frontal with the woman walking, with no male frontal or butts. I do feel it was a bit more exciting knowing they were actually getting it on, instead of just faking it. I was pleasantly surprised at the general lack of cursing, and when there was some, it was very funny.

The DVD extras are okay. It includes bloopers, trailer, bios, and an FX part that shows when they put in digital extras, and what it looked like before they did, which was pretty cool. However, no making-of-the-movie, which is usually the best part of a DVD extra. The X-rated version has a completely separate disk for extras, so maybe they have some cooler extras there. This movie doesn't have English closed captioning, neither as an option on the DVD, nor on the film itself, where the TV could show it on it's own, like with a television show. They did have Spanish subtitles available. There has been a report that they didn't put copy-protection on this disk, which isn't true. The back of the movie case is slightly different than the X-rated version, as it doesn't show as much skin, but the difference is hardly noticeable.

If this movie was to be used to introduce someone to a porn movie, this looks like a very good choice. I haven't seen the X-rated version, but they showed enough clips of the love scenes to gather that they were made with women in mind. For example, the first love scene is between a man and his new bride, and they are telling each other how much they care for each other, and that they will love each other forever.

There is no doubt this is a breakthrough in the porn industry, and hopefully, this will lead to more of the same, even just for the opportunity to view the R-rated versions of the movies. They have reported to be making a sequel to Pirates, as well as a sci-fi theme of the same quality. The only drawback is that, regardless of how good the stories and production values are, they are probably going to be limited to the availability of quality actors and actresses in the porn industry, since most of them are under contract to a single studio, as Hollywood was back in the 1940's. This movie brought together two studios, Digital Playground and Adam and Eve, but hopefully there can be arrangements to bring together the best talent in the industry to make these "blockbuster" type of movies.

The bottom line is this looks like a very professional production, with the only drawback being the lack of acting in many scenes. However, I enjoyed the movie as much as I have a lot of Hollywood movies. Out of 4 stars, I would give it 2.5 stars.
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9/10
Come on guys, it's porn, not a serious reflection of the times.
house-1912 January 2006
I for one, loved this porn. Maybe not worth 70$ but if you can find it cheaper, more power to you. A lot of people are saying, wow, the acting was so bad, they need to make it more like a period piece if they want to do this right, I say, accept it for what it is... PORN! I accepted it and LOVED it. It didn't matter that the girls have tattoos, or say slang. Did it get me hot? yes! It's porn first, a movie second, and that is the point. It's not so you can sit back and go. "Hmmm, that movie really reflected the time period really well" No, it's to get you worked up*which it does!*, or to have a good time with your friends. The acting was horrible (but what can you expect, again its PORN!) I watched this with a friend and we were both laughing the whole time. What can you expect with the bad acting and cheesy lines? As a movie, yeah it kinda stinks, but as a porn (which it was meant to be) it rocked.

-also a skeleton sex scene would have been awesome.
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8/10
Can't wait for more like this....
jetcar27 June 2006
To call this film groundbreaking, for me, it must have very good scores in five areas: 1.Costumes/make-up 2. Sets/ambiance 3. Special effects / lighting 4. Sexual heat 5. Acting

Groundbreaking would have been for the director to provide his performers with acting lessons and on-set coaches. IMO that would have fused together the good costumes/sets/special effects/sexual interaction with that which most porn lacks--good acting. The budget was there, so to have a coach would have made it better for many of the actors who found themselves on unfamiliar ground, compared to other movies they've made.

Much better than any other so-called "ground breaking effort" by other film companies.

Janine did a great job, so did Ewan Stone. The Chinese guy was hilarious, although quite flat and wooden with his delivery. All the sex scenes were good.
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9/10
Beyond compare...
MovieStoreClerk25 June 2006
As far as porn goes, it was great. I don't think anyone will say differently. It's just so ridiculously hilarious. I love how half way through the film, Evan Stone turns into a clueless Captain Kirk. And they ask SO much of the audience. A girl gets kidnapped, she's tied to a chair, forced to have sex with a gypsy, and ends up liking it. I can follow that, no problem. But there's a scene where the captain and his first mate are tied up in a room that's on fire. Then a woman from a previous scene comes in and says that she'll only untie them if the captain makes love to her. So she unties him and he "makes love". Hello? Punch the crazy broad in the face and get out of the building. You don't have time for a sex scene. But there were a few good parts. Take when anyone is about to get it on. There's a little kissing, and BAM! There's a screen push and they're naked. And probably my favorite part, the amount of violence in the girl/girl scenes. At one point I thought it had turned into Ultamite Fighter. And there was another point were some candles are used in a way that I never really thought of before. All in all, you need to see this. I mean, how often do you get to see a porno with a seven figure budget?
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9/10
A porn I watched for the story.
Ryan Walker7 July 2006
This summer I've been working at an adult film store as a clerk and I must say we can't keep this movie on the shelf. People who mention the bad acting must have never seen a porn in their lives. With the weakest (acting) performance given by Jesse Jane, Evan Stone's character was spot on. I recommend this movie to everyone who hasn't seen it, and again to those that have. Having a background in digital animation I was surprised to see how well compositing was done. Great special effects especially considering the target market. The hardest part to get used to was watching the sex scenes accompanied by a full music score. Two thumbs (and a candlestick) way up!
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Porn, Film and Kidnapping
tedg9 October 2006
I love film, I really do. It fascinates me to see, literally see what works.

Porn baffles me, because it is so popular. Oh, there's porn films from the 70s that really impress, some of them. And you'll often stumble across really intelligent films made by folks with clever ideas that could only get funded if there is panting and jizz in them.

But the modern stuff is just plain boring, visually and every other way. The only porn film I've seen in the modern era that impressed me was "Fashionistas" and that really did. It was actually a movie (a good one) and porn (S&M) where the two blended well. So I anticipated this with some rather high expectations.

And I was partly rewarded. The writing is very clever, with some great lines. One actor alone in this (Evan Stone) is good, but he is very good, on the level of the pros in theater films. With a little bit of attention, this could have been a good movie and maybe even a hit.

The blonds (all blonds!) all looked and acted the same, having gotten their boobs at the same store. Ho hum. Seen one saucersized aureole, you seen em all.

But here's the thing. Porn movies like this follow the model of movie musicals (based on stage musicals). That's where the story chugs along until hitting a tripwire. Then reality shifts and you enter a song, which may have some relationship to the story or not. But the main point is reality shifts. Then it shifts back and the people on the street stop being a chorus and again become passers by.

Same with porn like this. The story chugs along until it is time for sex. But this isn't sex between people. It isn't real sex at all, instead a sort of performance, a display put on for the audience like a song. The same sorts of limits apply, even the same time periods. There's a standard vocabulary: this and then this and then that. Only in this case, the sex has nothing much to do with the story; the story is presumably something to entertain you in between titillations.

Oh well. Give Even his due. He acts, and it even carries over to what he does with his member. I wish him well.

Ted's Evaluation -- 1 of 3: You can find something better to do with this part of your life.
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5/10
Great production values...but...
Man do I wish this had been a better film than it was. A number of the male actors and one of the female ones were trying, and were at least as good as actors in the average "Troma" film. But the majority didn't even bother to learn their lines! You can see their eyes shifting back and forth reading the TelePrompTer! I can appreciate the position the producers were in - that they needed "names" to sell the product, but most of the names weren't trying.

I know how old this makes me sound, but I remember the "Golden Age" of X-rated films, and how, at the very minimum, the lead actresses knew their lines. I can imagine this film cast with 1970s-era actresses in their prime - Vanessa Del Rio, Veronica Hart, Lisa De Leeuw, Kelly Nichols. Back then, the ranks of porn were filled with aspiring actresses, while these days it's filled with women who do porn in order to make money feature dancing in clubs.

One other difference is that they are all scared of spending this amount of money and running the risk of being sued by the government. So they don't have any non-consensual sex. Sorry, but these are PIRATES! Vicious, bloodthirsty pirates! Instead, they tip-toe around and spend most of the film focusing on the pirate-hunter.

Most of my other complaints have been covered by other posters: tattoos on "shy virgins", implants, waxing and in general all the woman looking like the "Aryan Nation" calender.

Maybe at some point in the future, someone will be able to make an explicit film with the erotic impact of the sex scenes in "Body Heat" or "A History of Violence". One can only hope.
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7/10
Keep your expectations low, and you won't be disappointed.
HUXTER-12 January 2006
Warning: Spoilers
I actually purchased this for my wife (she's a big pirate nut). I agree with the first poster that $70 is too much to pay for this film (I paid less). This film does not need to have a three disc set. As to the movie:

The acting was terrible. Evan Stone was the best actor on the film and he obviously graduated from the William Shatner School of Acting with honors. Of the female performers, Janine is the only one with an inkling of acting talent. Also regarding the females, I'd like to draw attention to the fact that of the 6 listed actresses, 5 are blond. The 6th is brunette. I also doubt that there is a single pair of natural breasts in the bunch. I also got twitchy over the dialog itself. Not the delivery (which I've already addressed), but what was actually said. I highly doubt that the word "sexy" existed prior to the mid-20th century. If there is a sequel made (as they allude to in the special features disk) I'd like to make the following suggestions:

1. This is a period piece, please refrain from using such "modern" slang as "sexy", "hot (unless referring to an actual measurement of heat like a stove, or cup of coffee)" and "cock (unless referring to an actual rooster)".

2. No more than two blonde actresses (real or bleached) should be cast. The majority should be brunettes (either brown or black hair). And would it kill you to find a redhead?

3. Also, since this is a period piece, do not show women with tattoos (ESPECIALLY ON THE VIRGINAL HEROINE!!!). Yes, I'm aware that tattooing has been around for many centuries. However ladies (especially ladies of class and breeding) did NOT get tattoos (whores, maybe, but even then, I doubt if the Playboy Bunny was an option).

4. If the woman you want to hire for the movie can also double for a flotation device (huge fake tits) in case of an emergency, go with someone with natural, or at least natural-looking breasts (all the actresses looked like they had two monstrously huge zits that needed to be popped).

5. We live on planet Earth. Please try to get a sampling of hair color other than California Blonde. Next time try this formula (3 brunettes + no more than 2 blonds (real or dyed + 1 redhead = Hey look! DIVERSITY!!!)

6. Everyone associated with the movie must sit down and watch Hook, Cutthroat Island, Princess Bride and all Pirates of the Caribbean movies out by the time the sequel is made. This should give them an idea of how pirates should act; and they must be able to accurately answer the following question: Pirates raiding a ship are confronted with women. They:

A. Throw the women overboard to feed the sharks

B. Kill the women outright

C. Left alive to go down with the ship

D. Take the women into custody. Later they will be given to the crew as "entertainment". Then sold into slavery when everyone is finished with them

Overall, if this is the trend for adult entertainment (ie. go back to actually trying to tell a story) I approve. I think the film makers need to pull out their 70s and early 80s films, dust them off, and give them a look see on what to do.
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7/10
Pirates also prefer blonds?
prittii-123 August 2009
Warning: Spoilers
I really like this movie. Its also very good for girls (I'm a girl!). The hardcore sex is never offensive to women.

I just don't understand so well why they choose so many blonds for the movie... what is blond to do with pirates? I thought at first: maybe is because guys prefer watch blonds, but I see all the rest of the guys here complaining also that there are too many in the movie.

I like to watch blonds (the wife was very sexy in all her scenes)... but I also wanna see different looking girls. Is like with the guys, there are blond guys and brunet guys, etc. If they all had bleached blond hair, it would also look really bad.

I also don't understand what is the interesting feature about Jesse Jane. She totally doesn't turn me on... You can see she is too energetic in the scenes... never sexy! What is wrong with her? Every time I see a girl-girl sex scene with this woman she is beating the other girl. She makes stupid faces in her sex scenes that are so artificial... she is so bad!!! And her boobs are so weird... she has the worst boob job ever! Looks totally freak... And of course, the worst acting in the movie. I totally understand that some guys think she is pretty, but what about sexy? It doesn't count anymore? So what I suggest for next movies is:

  • NO JESSE JANE PLEASE! (or at least send her to an acting school and ask her to have some sexiness classes with Dita Von Teese)


  • Less blonds, please! (and put all girls to acting school... acting helps even for the sex scenes)


  • Some guys are complaining about the amount of silicone boobs, but I think they look OK. Maybe one girl with small breast just to make a change would help too... but mostly big boobs... I think is a majority favorite.


That's it I think... :D
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4/10
Awful porn without the porn.
simnia-126 April 2009
Awful! I don't know the history of this movie, so maybe it started out as a hard-code porn film that later stripped the sex scenes out to cater to a larger audience around the time of the extreme popularity of "Dead Man's Chest." If so, they should have just left the sex in and kept the rating at XXX,. It would at least have some sexual interest in that form. In its present form it isn't interesting as either porn or as a good movie. The acting is unbelievably bad: porn movie quality acting without the porn, as if all the actors were reading their lines for the first time. Nearly all the scenery, especially the ships at sea, is done with CGI, and bad CGI at that. All the women are fake bleach blondes with fake, balloon-like breasts, and all very sleezy-looking, which makes the romantic dialog sound ridiculous. Sorry, I just can't find anything of appeal anywhere in this film: not sex, not scenery, not action, not effects, not atmosphere, not humor, not philosophy, nothing.
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8/10
More like this PLEASE!!!!!
d_bcat12 August 2007
I am a woman who has always enjoyed the occasional porn movie for the pure, well, arousal factor. ;-) However far too many put my hubby over the top and left me unsatisfied. This one was nearly perfect. It has enough storyline to keep you interested (we wanted to finish watching this one to see how it ended) but in respect to the fact that it's main purpose is to be pornography - it doesn't make you wait too long between hot scenes. The acting is not about to win an Oscar, but as many others pointed out - IT'S PORN! Even with that in mind, I believe many of these actors did a fine job of the acting required of them in between the sex scenes. I believed Captain Victor was so blood thirsty he would kill a Priest and his own lover/first mate to get what he wants. I did enjoy the comedic angles as well.

All in all this movie is certainly a HUGE step in the direction of the kind of porn couples want, and dare I say need, to spice up their love lives. Look at the number of women who commented here on this film - women are watching porn and have money to rent and/or buy if they can find porn like this that gives us what we need.
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8/10
Good Porn?
gpfalk12 January 2007
I had not watched a porn movie in years. However I got a copy of Pirates and sat down with my wife. Although it was not the equivalent of a major studio productions and Disney Studios has no reason to fear competition from a few miles away in the Valley, production values were certainly the best I have seen in a movie of this genre. It's come a long way since the Mitchell Brothers in the 70's.

First there is a plot. There is a script. There is some acting. There is a fun score. There a plenty of nonsexual scenes. There are even some special effects with the pirate hunters fighting skeletons. The only things clearly artificial were the breasts, but then again what do you expect?

I particularly liked performance of Evan Stone ... and I mean the ones with his clothes on. He was fun and showed he has the talent to cross 0ver into mainstream media. Jesse Jane is gorgeous, but maybe the weakest acting. Janine was the hot pirate babe both in and out of her costume. She stole several scenes.
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pretty decent attempt!
ajji-24 July 2006
this highly-touted, big-budget merger of porn and mainstream adventure thriller (a pirate yarn, to be precise), has great production values, decent enough acting (let's not be too hard on the poor 'performers' here), and some nifty CGI and visual effects...a bit more obviously fake than those in Pirates Of The Carribbean, but good enough to serve their purpose. but for a magnum opus of this scale, and considering it's porn, the sex was pretty weak for the most part.

first of all, the b/g scenes were very short. okay, i don't really need to see those half-hour mechanical sex scenes, but even by 'couple-friendly porn' standards, the sex was basic. only the g/g scenes show any real edge. with all the fine derrières on display, i can't believe that none of the males even accidentally touched their female partner's 'forbidden' entrances (the girls do indulge in it a bit, in the g/g scenes). okay, so there might have been a 'strictly no anal sex' clause on this set, but did they have to leave off all oral or digital (as in fingers, not CGI) manipulation by the males, as well? in the only 'threesome' scene among the 10 sex scenes, the third partner (Teagan) only contributes some 'lip service' for a bit...what's the use of having a top porn starlet in a scene when you're not going to use her much? another missed opportunity was the Carmen Luvana-Jenaveve Jolie g/g session in the midst of a leering crowd of male pirate types. they could have at least got their 'equipment' out and beat it to the hot scene taking place in front of them, if not actually shooting onto the girls. also, for all the rough characters in the film, it's surprising we didn't see any 2-on-1 MMF sex scenes. the pirates here are only marginally 'harder' than those from the Disney flick (at least these ones have sex...sometimes). while watching it, i was thinking how easy it would be to edit this film into a more mainstream feature. and then today i find out that's exactly what the studio is doing! maybe they shot the sex more 'softer' than usual because they were planning on the cut version all along.

oh, well. there was enough sex to punctuate the 2 hour plus running time, Janine had a long-awaited and highly charged (though brief) b/g scene, and some of the girls were really hot (Devon, Carmen, and especially the under- utilized Austyn Moore...gotta see more of her!). as someone pointed out, this film is just average as porn material, but if it brings the mainstream closer to hardcore (or vice versa), all the better. hope it does good business, so they can do more of these and hopefully better ones.
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10/10
What a Legend
colonel-cabbage24 February 2006
Pirates is one of the best pornographic films ever. Its not about the women or sex scenes which are pretty much the same as most you would see elsewhere. There are three things that make the film: the special effect, truly amazing and the film must have had some budget to pull off the army of skeletons! The extras like Oxford and Wu who in their special way add volumes to the film, mostly through their brilliant one-liners.

Lastly Evan Stone is the man. Not only did the script write give him some great lines but he pulled them off with humour and style.

"Evil doesn't stand a chance against these twin hellfire cannons!"
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9/10
Good!!
chanceux00715 September 2008
This movie is excellent!! Good plot, good actor, good scenes, good everything except one thing!! The sex scenes were a bit too short!!!

The story was indeed interesting and I'm looking forward too the next one. The were as good as commercial Hollywood movies. It was not kinky unless it was needed in the story!! THe actors acted well and the scene were hot!! Please make more movies like that!! THey are what the public want!! I'm so tired of scene by scene porn!! Bing bang thank you mam scene of total women disrespect!! It this movie you could see that the men and women were enjoying sex and not faking it! Oh if you know of other movie that has this vibe please send me a message!!

THanks!!
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9/10
Amazing movie
larsfield17 February 2008
Just in response to; "I was upset that there wasn't a skeleton sex scene" Although that would seem cool to you, you have to think, not all people really want to see necrophilia while watching something erotic.

As for my view; This is by far the best porn film I have seen in terms of professional directing, story and special effects. Even the acting was better then any erotic film I have ever watched. (Though it was still pretty terrible).

I have heard there is a Pirates II coming out soon, I'll be the first to see it :D

I encourage you all to see it if you already haven't.
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6/10
cheesy acting- very cheesy acting- and true sci-fi channel movie-of-the-week visual effects make this watchable
MisterWhiplash19 July 2007
The Pirates porno, the most expensive ever produced (at a whopping $150,000), is excruciating to watch if you're trying to look for a good plot, or entirely "good" acting ability. It's a showcase for the director, named simply Joone, to showcase a lot of well-lit XXX sex scenes and lots of ultra-corny CGI involving seascapes, caves, ships, and with the icing on the cake being skeleton pirates that have to duel with some bad-ass girls on an island. I can't really recommend it, in a big sense, as it has no real merit whatsoever as far as real creativity goes. But it is, however, of the highest order of sleaze entertainment, and it's a really, really funny movie all the same. It's not even really good dialog so much as good quotes, lines that you and your friends (or whomever you may or may not be watching the movie with) will be saying verbatim or close to it for days. Probably the best bet with the 'actors' though is long-time porno pro Evan Stone, who says his lines with the convincing silliness and strength of a Bruce Campbell (he's probably the only one who 'gets' how stupid this all is, and rolls with it). Other actresses with one-names like Teagan and Devon maybe aren't quite as adept at that sort of aspect of the performance. You'll get the idea about five minutes into the film, if not sooner.

Much of it is basically convoluted (yes, even more-so) knock-off material and characterization from the POTC movies, which is not all that bad a thing. A few times it looks as though the director actually understands that a movie like Pirates has to be something of a parody in order to keep the attention of its viewing public- past the obvious points, of which need not be mentioned here. Yet it's good that there's such a high-level of camp value with scenes that look improvised with the actors (there's one woman-on-woman scene where a bunch of guys stand around them saying "argh" the whole time and cheer on as if truly drunken), because if one were to grade this on a scale like the folks at Hustler magazine or other magazines of the sort do, it wouldn't necessarily get a very high grade either, unless if based on subjective perceptions of the sizes of certain 'things' and how such scenes are sort of staged. Those too are quite cheesy, loaded at times with music that sounds like it might be good to hear while waiting on the end of a busy phone line. In fact, there might be a great deal of camp value that can be derived from these many, many scenes of gratuitous action (not that there hasn't been worse elsewhere, even as the actors try to go to desperate, raging lengths to get there).

Overall it wasn't a movie who's big budget wasn't a total waste, all things considered. The R-rated version might even someday find its way onto a Saturday night sci-fi movie channel of the week, and definitely as one of the better ones in recent memory. I'd almost go as far as to say I liked it, but in the sense that I like a good piece of cotton candy: it goes down in an abhorrently artificial way, and it's gone pretty quickly, and then you don't feel like having any more for a while.
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3/10
zzz
jadavix18 August 2017
Warning: Spoilers
I have a confession to make: I don't understand pornography. It does not turn me on to watch people have sex. It surprises me that so many people apparently do find it a turn on - in fact, so many that everybody assumes that because I am male, I must be into it. There is no eroticism in these movies at all. It's like Hitchcock said: there's no terror in the bang, only the anticipation of it. We're talking about a different type of "bang" here, granted, but the idea is the same. Once or twice while watching "Pirates" I actually saw a good looking actress on stage, and thought she could be genuinely sexy... but then it was just, CUT! Straight into the passionless, tedious sex.

I don't get it. Watching porn like this, I am usually struck by how un-sexy and joyless they make the act appear. With "Pirates", I was also aware of how unnatural it looks, the performers going from one weird position to another like trained seals. Do they deliberately try to make it as unlike real sex as they possibly can? What's wrong with the missionary position? What's wrong with a position you won't strain yourself trying to do? This is supposedly the biggest budget porn film ever made. The sets do look pretty elaborate, but aside from that, there's nothing to differentiate it from almost any other porno, apart from some awful CGI that serves no real purpose. The actors all look like typical porn stars, their weird fake breasts bobbling around while their partners try to make fire with their loins. These silicon packs look like they're barely held in place by thin pieces of skin that attach them to the actresses' bodies. Maybe that's why they avoid missionary - they might rip off that way.
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6/10
While, it's not the best porno, I ever saw. Pirates indeed brought the sexy booty!
ironhorse_iv16 April 2016
Warning: Spoilers
I have to give some credit to this film. Instead of making a stupid cheesy parody of the mainstream Disney 2003 film's 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl', which most porno flicks does; this film makes a strong effort, in making their own Pirate theme movie with crossover appeal. Because of this, this film was somewhat successful in standing out. Honestly, if you watch the Rated R edited version of the film, it proves that this porno can be watchable. Directed by Ali Davoudian AKA Joone, the movie tells the story of a clumsy absent-minded pirate hunter named Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone) trying to find the feared Captain Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn) and his crew of cutthroat pirates. With help from his first mate, Jules Steel (Jesse Jane) and a mysterious woman named Isabella Valenzuela (Carmen Luvana); Captain Reynolds embark on a journey, through the seven seas in hope, of finding Stagnetti and putting an end to his murderous madness, before he gets his hands on ancient Inca weapon. Without spoiling the movie, too much, I have to say, for the most part, 2005's Pirates indeed jolly my Rogers with its sex scenes! The sex scenes were somewhat sexy and tasteful. However, there were some that were a little awkward. First off, the force lesbian scene with the pirate dancer (Jenaveve Jolie) and Isabella was a little too disturbing. It was already creepy enough that Isabella is being forced to do, a sex act, against her will, but seeing this, all happen in front of a crowd of hair-raising old pirates is really horrible. I really didn't like that scene at all. It really creep me out and turn me off. At least, her later lesbian scene with Julies was a little more refined. I also didn't like her first sex scene in the movie, with her husband, Manuel (Kris Slater). It was a little too dark and damp looking. It had some really bad lighting. Another is the fact, that they have sex, yet again, later in the film, that wasn't really needed. The actress, Carmen Luvana was used, way too much in this film. I don't like seeing her, doing repetitive action like that. In my opinion, while, most of the sex scenes were hot. It was a bit jarring to see, how many white blondes with the same body type, they used for this production. I get that, Luvana is Puerto Ricans, but couldn't they find, somebody who looks more Hispanic than her to play Isabella? The reason, why I say this, is because, I really couldn't tell the different, between some of the women in this film. Mostly in the supporting cast. They all seem like, they were playing the same character. While, there were a lot of diversity in the male casting, it seem like this movie was lacking diversity in the female department. It sucks, because for a movie about pirates in the Caribbean, you would think, there would be more brunettes, than blondes, more Hispanic, Black or Asian women than whites, walking around and more natural looking women than fake-looking Barbies. I'm just glad, that in the sequel has more realistic women, than the plastic big boob, Barbies in this film. Another sex scene, worth nitpicking about is the three-way pink cannonball scene between Captain Reynolds, and two wenches, Madelyn (Devon Striker) and Christina (Teagan Presley). The actresses screaming and moaning in this part, were really annoying. I felt like, my ears were going to bleed out, because of that. Another bad scene is the stupid burning house sex scene with Captain Reynolds and crazy lover, Angelina (Austyn Moore). Yes, the idea of seeing two people get it on, in a burning building, looks hot, but in real life, they would have all pass out, from smoke inhalation and burn to death. It was too painful to watch due to how stupid, it was. Another problem with this movie is the bad acting. While, Evan Stone isn't the worst actor in this film. He's far, too old to be playing the young leading role. Not only that, but I really didn't like his William Shatner style of acting. It was a bit annoying. Still, he has a natural charisma and sense of comic timing that would allow him to effortlessly move to mainstream films if he wanted. Jesse Jane in the other hand, can't. She's probably the sexy woman in the film, but she can't act, if her life, depend on it. Even, supporting characters were awful. While, it's nice to see a real Asian man played Wu Chow (Nhan). The dude can't act. He sounds like an idiot, most of the time. By far, the worst actor in this film, has to be the priest played by Harry Bali. He was so monotone with his delivery that it's laughable. In my opinion, the best acting, has to be Steven St. Croix and Tommy Gunn. I love Croix's Billy Zane type voice and Gunn's grumpy tone. One actress that seem somewhat wasted is Janine Lindemulder as Stagnetti's henchwoman, Serena. Honestly, I don't know, why she even came back to do porn, after her 1999 retirement. She really didn't add much to this movie. Also, her tattoos were a bit distracting. I don't know, many women pirates, having tattoos like that in the 18th century. Another distracting thing in this film is the bad special effects. The whole animated skeleton fight was really slow and bad. For being one of the most expensive pornographic film ever made, it doesn't show in the effects. However, the costumes, sets, and music were still pretty stunning for the budget, it had. Also props for having several of the scenes, shot on board the Bounty II, a replica of HMS Bounty. Overall: While, it's a lot better than the standard porno flick, it's not as good as its 2008 sequel, Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge. Still, check it out, if you want to.
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It should be rated 'X' or 'UR' instead of 'R'
shredlikeed4 March 2015
I enjoyed it for what it was intended. If you like your porn to have an actual storyline, this is probably top of the line. And, the acting is actually pretty decent, compared to your average porn.... ...which brings me to the main point of this review... This IS a porn. There is explicit sexual content...with lots of penetration and other things that you would see in a porn.

Why this was rated 'R' instead of 'UR' or 'X' is beyond me. But, just a warning to all who may be unaware... ..think 'Debbie Does Dallas'...except a bit longer...and has Pirates.

As far as the storyline goes, it's actually pretty good. I was thoroughly entertained when I wasn't gawking at all the nudity.
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10/10
yowza
chopsueyvegas16 October 2006
this movie was everything a pirate movie should have been. i think everyone did a incredible job, and the women clearly take good care of themselves. It was awesome... it wasn't just porn, its the next genre beyond porn, when people begin to accept the taboos around sexuality as being part of the human condition. definitely not for kids, but something maybe you should steal from your older brother. it has plenty of humor and plenty style, and plenty of good healthy fun. I had to watch it at least twice. thanks to everyone involved with this one. well mostly just all the bombshell gorgeous ladies. yea, it rocked. I found the film to be inspirational and uplifting.
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10/10
Not your father's Pirates of the Caribbean.
entlerjl16 September 2006
"Avast me harties." I just rented the "R-Rrrrrr" rated version of this Digital Playground Production. I loved it!! I am a woman who likes sensual material, and I do not like a lot of what the porn world has to offer. But this film was great. It's high production value, beautiful girls, slinky costumes, and comedy made it worth while for me. I laughed the whole way though and what was shown in this R rated version was good enough for me to want more! I purchased the "Real" version of this movie for me and my husband. We love it! It's corny where it is supposed to be corny and horny where it is supposed to by horny. The cashier at the Adult Video store where I bought it said they can't keep it in stock. I wonder why? It is not marketed as extreme porn. The cover is proof of that, but just look at the back of the jacket. Whoo-whee. As a woman, I sure hope more movies like this are made. To whom ever is reading this in the industry... if you make more, I will buy more. One note: If you rent the R rated version in your local video store, be aware. This movie should not be viewed by anyone under the age of 17. Just because the porn has been trimmed, doesn't mean that it is not explicit. Overall this swashbuckling film has left me wanting to lace up my pirate shoes and corset and go hunting for my husband's booty. Give it a try girls. R rated or not, you will not be disappointed with either version. Neither will your partner.
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