Pirates (2005 Video)
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The only bad thing about it: the fake breasts. I do not think there is ONE girl with natural breasts. So go rent it or buy it (the DVD set comes with three discs: movie, movie high definition and Extras), it will not let you down.
Sue me I liked this film. I'm not sure I liked it because its better than most adult films or because its a good movie in its own right. Certainly the fact the film can have 40 minutes of sex removed and have it survive says a great deal(The full version runs over two hours). Better than many soft-core trash films that play late night on cable this is actually a movie I'd want to see again.
The plot has something to do with a pirate captain wanting to get a magical Incan scepter that will give him great power to this end he kidnaps a recently married man who holds the key to the hereabouts of the scepter and throws the wife overboard. He is pursued by some pirate hunters who pick up the wife and remain close on the heels of the villains.
What can I say the acting is wildly uneven, but the cast is still game. The effects are uneven, but serviceable (and provide a great homage/spoof with a marvelous riff on the skeleton scene in Jason and the Argonauts). The script is actually reasonably good and properly silly (though with some of the cast anything beyond silly might have been a stretch). I'm guessing in mainstream hands this might have been a successful pirate action film.
My only real complaint is that all of the main women look about the same, large breasted blonds of similar stature and builds. They all pretty much blend together. Its an odd thing to do when the film tries very hard to be something other than a stereotypical adult film.
If you're tired of the typical late night fare you find on many pay cable stations give this film a try. You will laugh with and at the movie, especially if you keep in mind the fact that its source is an adult film.
In reviewing the R-rated version, I tried to forget that this movie was made by the porn industry, to keep my review fair. Surprisingly, the costumes, sets, backgrounds, music and special effects were fantastic, especially considering that this movie was reportedly made for only $1 million. (A typical Hollywood movie costs between $15 million and $80 million, with budgets going as high as $200 million.) The drawback here was the acting. About 25% of the actors were very good, about 25% were okay, and about 50% were horrendous. Surprisingly, the porn actors weren't necessarily all bad, and the non-porn actors all good. It was a mixture of both. Evan Stone, the main good guy, was amazing in about every scene. Very Funny. However, Tommy Gunn, the main bad guy, usually made you wince when he was on screen. Kris Slater was not great, but doable. All three are porn actors. The porn girls were a mixed bag, as well. Janine was okay, Jesse Jane was horrible, and Carmen Luvana was pretty good. The only time Jesse was any good was when she was imitating a monk. Granted, the dialogue in a few scenes was pretty poor, so I could empathize with the actors a few times.
It's not hard to tell who the porn actors are from the ones that aren't. They're the ones that get it on, which they do about every 10 minutes, although some scenes would show nothing but a kiss. This movie has more sexual references and nudity than a typical high school-type movie, such as American Pie, but perhaps less than the movies shown late at night on Cinemax which show a lot of simulated sex. Some of these sex scenes would show side profiles of the actors and actresses up against each other, which shows they are completely nude, without showing their private parts. Some scenes would break away to the next scene as the actors would lean forward to kiss. There was a lot of breasts shown in the movie, with a few female butts, just a sliver of full female frontal with the woman walking, with no male frontal or butts. I do feel it was a bit more exciting knowing they were actually getting it on, instead of just faking it. I was pleasantly surprised at the general lack of cursing, and when there was some, it was very funny.
The DVD extras are okay. It includes bloopers, trailer, bios, and an FX part that shows when they put in digital extras, and what it looked like before they did, which was pretty cool. However, no making-of-the-movie, which is usually the best part of a DVD extra. The X-rated version has a completely separate disk for extras, so maybe they have some cooler extras there. This movie doesn't have English closed captioning, neither as an option on the DVD, nor on the film itself, where the TV could show it on it's own, like with a television show. They did have Spanish subtitles available. There has been a report that they didn't put copy-protection on this disk, which isn't true. The back of the movie case is slightly different than the X-rated version, as it doesn't show as much skin, but the difference is hardly noticeable.
If this movie was to be used to introduce someone to a porn movie, this looks like a very good choice. I haven't seen the X-rated version, but they showed enough clips of the love scenes to gather that they were made with women in mind. For example, the first love scene is between a man and his new bride, and they are telling each other how much they care for each other, and that they will love each other forever.
There is no doubt this is a breakthrough in the porn industry, and hopefully, this will lead to more of the same, even just for the opportunity to view the R-rated versions of the movies. They have reported to be making a sequel to Pirates, as well as a sci-fi theme of the same quality. The only drawback is that, regardless of how good the stories and production values are, they are probably going to be limited to the availability of quality actors and actresses in the porn industry, since most of them are under contract to a single studio, as Hollywood was back in the 1940's. This movie brought together two studios, Digital Playground and Adam and Eve, but hopefully there can be arrangements to bring together the best talent in the industry to make these "blockbuster" type of movies.
The bottom line is this looks like a very professional production, with the only drawback being the lack of acting in many scenes. However, I enjoyed the movie as much as I have a lot of Hollywood movies. Out of 4 stars, I would give it 2.5 stars.
-also a skeleton sex scene would have been awesome.
Groundbreaking would have been for the director to provide his performers with acting lessons and on-set coaches. IMO that would have fused together the good costumes/sets/special effects/sexual interaction with that which most porn lacks--good acting. The budget was there, so to have a coach would have made it better for many of the actors who found themselves on unfamiliar ground, compared to other movies they've made.
Much better than any other so-called "ground breaking effort" by other film companies.
Janine did a great job, so did Ewan Stone. The Chinese guy was hilarious, although quite flat and wooden with his delivery. All the sex scenes were good.
Porn baffles me, because it is so popular. Oh, there's porn films from the 70s that really impress, some of them. And you'll often stumble across really intelligent films made by folks with clever ideas that could only get funded if there is panting and jizz in them.
But the modern stuff is just plain boring, visually and every other way. The only porn film I've seen in the modern era that impressed me was "Fashionistas" and that really did. It was actually a movie (a good one) and porn (S&M) where the two blended well. So I anticipated this with some rather high expectations.
And I was partly rewarded. The writing is very clever, with some great lines. One actor alone in this (Evan Stone) is good, but he is very good, on the level of the pros in theater films. With a little bit of attention, this could have been a good movie and maybe even a hit.
The blonds (all blonds!) all looked and acted the same, having gotten their boobs at the same store. Ho hum. Seen one saucersized aureole, you seen em all.
But here's the thing. Porn movies like this follow the model of movie musicals (based on stage musicals). That's where the story chugs along until hitting a tripwire. Then reality shifts and you enter a song, which may have some relationship to the story or not. But the main point is reality shifts. Then it shifts back and the people on the street stop being a chorus and again become passers by.
Same with porn like this. The story chugs along until it is time for sex. But this isn't sex between people. It isn't real sex at all, instead a sort of performance, a display put on for the audience like a song. The same sorts of limits apply, even the same time periods. There's a standard vocabulary: this and then this and then that. Only in this case, the sex has nothing much to do with the story; the story is presumably something to entertain you in between titillations.
Oh well. Give Even his due. He acts, and it even carries over to what he does with his member. I wish him well.
Ted's Evaluation -- 1 of 3: You can find something better to do with this part of your life.
I know how old this makes me sound, but I remember the "Golden Age" of X-rated films, and how, at the very minimum, the lead actresses knew their lines. I can imagine this film cast with 1970s-era actresses in their prime - Vanessa Del Rio, Veronica Hart, Lisa De Leeuw, Kelly Nichols. Back then, the ranks of porn were filled with aspiring actresses, while these days it's filled with women who do porn in order to make money feature dancing in clubs.
One other difference is that they are all scared of spending this amount of money and running the risk of being sued by the government. So they don't have any non-consensual sex. Sorry, but these are PIRATES! Vicious, bloodthirsty pirates! Instead, they tip-toe around and spend most of the film focusing on the pirate-hunter.
Most of my other complaints have been covered by other posters: tattoos on "shy virgins", implants, waxing and in general all the woman looking like the "Aryan Nation" calender.
Maybe at some point in the future, someone will be able to make an explicit film with the erotic impact of the sex scenes in "Body Heat" or "A History of Violence". One can only hope.
The acting was terrible. Evan Stone was the best actor on the film and he obviously graduated from the William Shatner School of Acting with honors. Of the female performers, Janine is the only one with an inkling of acting talent. Also regarding the females, I'd like to draw attention to the fact that of the 6 listed actresses, 5 are blond. The 6th is brunette. I also doubt that there is a single pair of natural breasts in the bunch. I also got twitchy over the dialog itself. Not the delivery (which I've already addressed), but what was actually said. I highly doubt that the word "sexy" existed prior to the mid-20th century. If there is a sequel made (as they allude to in the special features disk) I'd like to make the following suggestions:
1. This is a period piece, please refrain from using such "modern" slang as "sexy", "hot (unless referring to an actual measurement of heat like a stove, or cup of coffee)" and "cock (unless referring to an actual rooster)".
2. No more than two blonde actresses (real or bleached) should be cast. The majority should be brunettes (either brown or black hair). And would it kill you to find a redhead?
3. Also, since this is a period piece, do not show women with tattoos (ESPECIALLY ON THE VIRGINAL HEROINE!!!). Yes, I'm aware that tattooing has been around for many centuries. However ladies (especially ladies of class and breeding) did NOT get tattoos (whores, maybe, but even then, I doubt if the Playboy Bunny was an option).
4. If the woman you want to hire for the movie can also double for a flotation device (huge fake tits) in case of an emergency, go with someone with natural, or at least natural-looking breasts (all the actresses looked like they had two monstrously huge zits that needed to be popped).
5. We live on planet Earth. Please try to get a sampling of hair color other than California Blonde. Next time try this formula (3 brunettes + no more than 2 blonds (real or dyed + 1 redhead = Hey look! DIVERSITY!!!)
6. Everyone associated with the movie must sit down and watch Hook, Cutthroat Island, Princess Bride and all Pirates of the Caribbean movies out by the time the sequel is made. This should give them an idea of how pirates should act; and they must be able to accurately answer the following question: Pirates raiding a ship are confronted with women. They:
A. Throw the women overboard to feed the sharks
B. Kill the women outright
C. Left alive to go down with the ship
D. Take the women into custody. Later they will be given to the crew as "entertainment". Then sold into slavery when everyone is finished with them
Overall, if this is the trend for adult entertainment (ie. go back to actually trying to tell a story) I approve. I think the film makers need to pull out their 70s and early 80s films, dust them off, and give them a look see on what to do.
I just don't understand so well why they choose so many blonds for the movie... what is blond to do with pirates? I thought at first: maybe is because guys prefer watch blonds, but I see all the rest of the guys here complaining also that there are too many in the movie.
I like to watch blonds (the wife was very sexy in all her scenes)... but I also wanna see different looking girls. Is like with the guys, there are blond guys and brunet guys, etc. If they all had bleached blond hair, it would also look really bad.
I also don't understand what is the interesting feature about Jesse Jane. She totally doesn't turn me on... You can see she is too energetic in the scenes... never sexy! What is wrong with her? Every time I see a girl-girl sex scene with this woman she is beating the other girl. She makes stupid faces in her sex scenes that are so artificial... she is so bad!!! And her boobs are so weird... she has the worst boob job ever! Looks totally freak... And of course, the worst acting in the movie. I totally understand that some guys think she is pretty, but what about sexy? It doesn't count anymore? So what I suggest for next movies is:
- NO JESSE JANE PLEASE! (or at least send her to an acting school and ask her to have some sexiness classes with Dita Von Teese)
- Less blonds, please! (and put all girls to acting school... acting helps even for the sex scenes)
- Some guys are complaining about the amount of silicone boobs, but I think they look OK. Maybe one girl with small breast just to make a change would help too... but mostly big boobs... I think is a majority favorite.
That's it I think... :D
All in all this movie is certainly a HUGE step in the direction of the kind of porn couples want, and dare I say need, to spice up their love lives. Look at the number of women who commented here on this film - women are watching porn and have money to rent and/or buy if they can find porn like this that gives us what we need.
First there is a plot. There is a script. There is some acting. There is a fun score. There a plenty of nonsexual scenes. There are even some special effects with the pirate hunters fighting skeletons. The only things clearly artificial were the breasts, but then again what do you expect?
I particularly liked performance of Evan Stone ... and I mean the ones with his clothes on. He was fun and showed he has the talent to cross 0ver into mainstream media. Jesse Jane is gorgeous, but maybe the weakest acting. Janine was the hot pirate babe both in and out of her costume. She stole several scenes.
first of all, the b/g scenes were very short. okay, i don't really need to see those half-hour mechanical sex scenes, but even by 'couple-friendly porn' standards, the sex was basic. only the g/g scenes show any real edge. with all the fine derrières on display, i can't believe that none of the males even accidentally touched their female partner's 'forbidden' entrances (the girls do indulge in it a bit, in the g/g scenes). okay, so there might have been a 'strictly no anal sex' clause on this set, but did they have to leave off all oral or digital (as in fingers, not CGI) manipulation by the males, as well? in the only 'threesome' scene among the 10 sex scenes, the third partner (Teagan) only contributes some 'lip service' for a bit...what's the use of having a top porn starlet in a scene when you're not going to use her much? another missed opportunity was the Carmen Luvana-Jenaveve Jolie g/g session in the midst of a leering crowd of male pirate types. they could have at least got their 'equipment' out and beat it to the hot scene taking place in front of them, if not actually shooting onto the girls. also, for all the rough characters in the film, it's surprising we didn't see any 2-on-1 MMF sex scenes. the pirates here are only marginally 'harder' than those from the Disney flick (at least these ones have sex...sometimes). while watching it, i was thinking how easy it would be to edit this film into a more mainstream feature. and then today i find out that's exactly what the studio is doing! maybe they shot the sex more 'softer' than usual because they were planning on the cut version all along.
oh, well. there was enough sex to punctuate the 2 hour plus running time, Janine had a long-awaited and highly charged (though brief) b/g scene, and some of the girls were really hot (Devon, Carmen, and especially the under- utilized Austyn Moore...gotta see more of her!). as someone pointed out, this film is just average as porn material, but if it brings the mainstream closer to hardcore (or vice versa), all the better. hope it does good business, so they can do more of these and hopefully better ones.
Lastly Evan Stone is the man. Not only did the script write give him some great lines but he pulled them off with humour and style.
"Evil doesn't stand a chance against these twin hellfire cannons!"
The story was indeed interesting and I'm looking forward too the next one. The were as good as commercial Hollywood movies. It was not kinky unless it was needed in the story!! THe actors acted well and the scene were hot!! Please make more movies like that!! THey are what the public want!! I'm so tired of scene by scene porn!! Bing bang thank you mam scene of total women disrespect!! It this movie you could see that the men and women were enjoying sex and not faking it! Oh if you know of other movie that has this vibe please send me a message!!
As for my view; This is by far the best porn film I have seen in terms of professional directing, story and special effects. Even the acting was better then any erotic film I have ever watched. (Though it was still pretty terrible).
I have heard there is a Pirates II coming out soon, I'll be the first to see it :D
I encourage you all to see it if you already haven't.
Much of it is basically convoluted (yes, even more-so) knock-off material and characterization from the POTC movies, which is not all that bad a thing. A few times it looks as though the director actually understands that a movie like Pirates has to be something of a parody in order to keep the attention of its viewing public- past the obvious points, of which need not be mentioned here. Yet it's good that there's such a high-level of camp value with scenes that look improvised with the actors (there's one woman-on-woman scene where a bunch of guys stand around them saying "argh" the whole time and cheer on as if truly drunken), because if one were to grade this on a scale like the folks at Hustler magazine or other magazines of the sort do, it wouldn't necessarily get a very high grade either, unless if based on subjective perceptions of the sizes of certain 'things' and how such scenes are sort of staged. Those too are quite cheesy, loaded at times with music that sounds like it might be good to hear while waiting on the end of a busy phone line. In fact, there might be a great deal of camp value that can be derived from these many, many scenes of gratuitous action (not that there hasn't been worse elsewhere, even as the actors try to go to desperate, raging lengths to get there).
Overall it wasn't a movie who's big budget wasn't a total waste, all things considered. The R-rated version might even someday find its way onto a Saturday night sci-fi movie channel of the week, and definitely as one of the better ones in recent memory. I'd almost go as far as to say I liked it, but in the sense that I like a good piece of cotton candy: it goes down in an abhorrently artificial way, and it's gone pretty quickly, and then you don't feel like having any more for a while.
I don't get it. Watching porn like this, I am usually struck by how un-sexy and joyless they make the act appear. With "Pirates", I was also aware of how unnatural it looks, the performers going from one weird position to another like trained seals. Do they deliberately try to make it as unlike real sex as they possibly can? What's wrong with the missionary position? What's wrong with a position you won't strain yourself trying to do? This is supposedly the biggest budget porn film ever made. The sets do look pretty elaborate, but aside from that, there's nothing to differentiate it from almost any other porno, apart from some awful CGI that serves no real purpose. The actors all look like typical porn stars, their weird fake breasts bobbling around while their partners try to make fire with their loins. These silicon packs look like they're barely held in place by thin pieces of skin that attach them to the actresses' bodies. Maybe that's why they avoid missionary - they might rip off that way.
Why this was rated 'R' instead of 'UR' or 'X' is beyond me. But, just a warning to all who may be unaware... ..think 'Debbie Does Dallas'...except a bit longer...and has Pirates.
As far as the storyline goes, it's actually pretty good. I was thoroughly entertained when I wasn't gawking at all the nudity.