Swash and unbuckle. In 1763, the Caribbean is awash in pirates. The worst is Stagnetti, backed by his bloodthirsty first mate, Serena. He wants the Scepter of Inca, which gives its owner ... See full summary »
Pirate hunter Captain Edward Reynolds and his blond first mate, Jules Steel, return where they are recruited by a shady governor general to find a darkly sinister Chinese empress pirate, ... See full summary »
Heiress Lisa Carson, girlfriend to Bruce Wayne, is kidnapped by the Riddler. A call on the bat-phone summons Batman and Robin to police headquarters. A flick of the switch hidden in a bust ... See full summary »
In another time and another galaxy, an evil Overlord and his lover, the Dark Witch, have been taking over and destroying planet after planet until in one star system, they discover that ... See full summary »
Swash and unbuckle. In 1763, the Caribbean is awash in pirates. The worst is Stagnetti, backed by his bloodthirsty first mate, Serena. He wants the Scepter of Inca, which gives its owner great powers. To remove it from remote Calaveras Island, he needs the Dagger of Ataljuapa as well as the aid of a descendant of the family to whom the Scepter was entrusted. So, he kidnaps Manuel Valenzuela, honeymooning with the lovely Isabella. On Stagnetti's trail are pirate hunters, Captain Edward Reynolds and Jules, his commander. Edward's a bit clueless, but he does rescue Isabella. Once Stagnetti has the Dagger, the stage is set for the clash of good and evil. Written by
Some scenes were filmed aboard the HMS Bounty, at The Pier in St. Petersburg, Florida. The city of St. Petersburg, which owns The Pier, did not realize that the film was porn; the producers represented the film as a PG-13-level comedy for television. See more »
In case you don't know, there are two versions of Pirates: The R-rated version (which can be bought at Amazon.com and Target, but not Wal-Mart, and can be rented at Blockbuster), and the X-rated version (which can only be bought/rented at adult-fare stores like dvdempire.com and bluedoor.com). I don't know of a store that sells both versions. At Blockbuster, there is a big "R rated, not for children" sticker on the case to keep people from confusing it with Pirates of the Caribbean.
In reviewing the R-rated version, I tried to forget that this movie was made by the porn industry, to keep my review fair. Surprisingly, the costumes, sets, backgrounds, music and special effects were fantastic, especially considering that this movie was reportedly made for only $1 million. (A typical Hollywood movie costs between $15 million and $80 million, with budgets going as high as $200 million.) The drawback here was the acting. About 25% of the actors were very good, about 25% were okay, and about 50% were horrendous. Surprisingly, the porn actors weren't necessarily all bad, and the non-porn actors all good. It was a mixture of both. Evan Stone, the main good guy, was amazing in about every scene. Very Funny. However, Tommy Gunn, the main bad guy, usually made you wince when he was on screen. Kris Slater was not great, but doable. All three are porn actors. The porn girls were a mixed bag, as well. Janine was okay, Jesse Jane was horrible, and Carmen Luvana was pretty good. The only time Jesse was any good was when she was imitating a monk. Granted, the dialogue in a few scenes was pretty poor, so I could empathize with the actors a few times.
It's not hard to tell who the porn actors are from the ones that aren't. They're the ones that get it on, which they do about every 10 minutes, although some scenes would show nothing but a kiss. This movie has more sexual references and nudity than a typical high school-type movie, such as American Pie, but perhaps less than the movies shown late at night on Cinemax which show a lot of simulated sex. Some of these sex scenes would show side profiles of the actors and actresses up against each other, which shows they are completely nude, without showing their private parts. Some scenes would break away to the next scene as the actors would lean forward to kiss. There was a lot of breasts shown in the movie, with a few female butts, just a sliver of full female frontal with the woman walking, with no male frontal or butts. I do feel it was a bit more exciting knowing they were actually getting it on, instead of just faking it. I was pleasantly surprised at the general lack of cursing, and when there was some, it was very funny.
The DVD extras are okay. It includes bloopers, trailer, bios, and an FX part that shows when they put in digital extras, and what it looked like before they did, which was pretty cool. However, no making-of-the-movie, which is usually the best part of a DVD extra. The X-rated version has a completely separate disk for extras, so maybe they have some cooler extras there. This movie doesn't have English closed captioning, neither as an option on the DVD, nor on the film itself, where the TV could show it on it's own, like with a television show. They did have Spanish subtitles available. There has been a report that they didn't put copy-protection on this disk, which isn't true. The back of the movie case is slightly different than the X-rated version, as it doesn't show as much skin, but the difference is hardly noticeable.
If this movie was to be used to introduce someone to a porn movie, this looks like a very good choice. I haven't seen the X-rated version, but they showed enough clips of the love scenes to gather that they were made with women in mind. For example, the first love scene is between a man and his new bride, and they are telling each other how much they care for each other, and that they will love each other forever.
There is no doubt this is a breakthrough in the porn industry, and hopefully, this will lead to more of the same, even just for the opportunity to view the R-rated versions of the movies. They have reported to be making a sequel to Pirates, as well as a sci-fi theme of the same quality. The only drawback is that, regardless of how good the stories and production values are, they are probably going to be limited to the availability of quality actors and actresses in the porn industry, since most of them are under contract to a single studio, as Hollywood was back in the 1940's. This movie brought together two studios, Digital Playground and Adam and Eve, but hopefully there can be arrangements to bring together the best talent in the industry to make these "blockbuster" type of movies.
The bottom line is this looks like a very professional production, with the only drawback being the lack of acting in many scenes. However, I enjoyed the movie as much as I have a lot of Hollywood movies. Out of 4 stars, I would give it 2.5 stars.
22 of 23 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful to you?