Teen Attendant: Excuse me ma'am. We have a 300 lb weight limit.
Rasputia: I don't weigh no damn 300 lbs. I weigh 165! How YOU doin'?
Pope Sweet Jesus: It's raining little white women.
Lord Have Mercy: My prayers have been answered!
Pope Sweet Jesus: She'd better move, 'cause my prayers are for a Cadillac.
Attendant: Excuse me.
Attendant: Are you wearing bottoms?
Rasputia: [Gasps and looks appalled] Of course I'm wearing bottoms!
[lifts up her roll of belly fat covering her bathing suit bottom]
Attendant: [Looks questionably at her] All right.
Rasputia: Go over and get another wine cooler. It's hot as hell out here. Don't you see I'm sweltering?
Norbit: Rasputia, you can't drink wine.
Rasputia: Why the hell not?
Norbit: You're with child.
Rasputia: With child? I ain't with no... Oh. Oh, that was... I had gas. I still got it.
Rasputia: [farts] There's your child. Now go get me something to drink.
Rasputia: [farts again] Twins!
Norbit: Yes it did! And that makes you, the queen of WHORES!
[Rasputia is about to kill Norbit]
Mr. Wong: WHALE HO!
Rasputia: Did somebody just call me a whale?
Mr. Wong: Yeah! And a ho!
Mr. Wong: Remember, black people run very fast. But problem run faster.
Norbit: ...That's kinda racist.
Mr. Wong: Yes, Wong very racist. Don't like black. Don't like Jew either. But black and Jew love Chinese food. Go figure.
Preacher: [resumes the ceremony] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
Norbit: I object!
[congregation gasps and murmurs]
Preacher: [frustrated] Oh, for Christ sake!
Mr. Wong: [pleased] Norbit.
Kate Thomas: [surprised] Norbit!
Choir: [singing] Norbit-t-t-t!
Norbit: This wedding's a sham and I'm here to stop it.
Kate Thomas: Norbit, what are you doing?
Norbit: I'm bein' a man for the first time in my life. Kate... Kate, I love you.
Rasputia: [Rasputia, Big Jack, and Earl stormed into the church] What the hell did you just say?
Norbit: You heard what I said, strumpet! I love Kate! That right. I love you, Kate. And the last two weeks I spent with you have meant more to me than my entire miserable life with you, Rasputia! It's over! Norbit Albert Rice is no longer your BITCH!
Rasputia: [after Norbit discovers Buster and Rasputia in bed] Norbit, Buster is a guest in our home! How dare you insinuate something like that?
Buster: Yeah, ORBIT! How dare you insinuate something such like that! You know, I am actually offended by your accu-si-sation!
Rasputia: What... the...? What just fell on my car?
Mr. Wong: Not what - who! Who just fell on your car? Ching chong ching chong!
Pope Sweet Jesus: The wrapper says 'Ribbed for her pleasure' but turn it inside out and it's ribbed for YOUR pleasure
Rasputia: [after swearing in church] Oh pray bitch pray
Rasputia: [to Norbit as she's grabbing his head] I'm gonna rip your head off.
Big Jack: Rasputia?
Big Jack: Car.
Rasputia: I don't give a damn 'bout no car. I'm ready to die!
Big Jack: [a car approaches head-on towards Big Jack's truck] Car!
[Rasputia let's go of Norbit; Norbit is yelling, sending him down a hill in the woods]
Rasputia: I'm ready to die! I'm ready to die!
Big Jack: I ain't gonna let you ruin Nipplopolis for me boy! Damn!
Rasputia: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die up in here. Drive the car, goddamnit!
[Blue watches a Buster Perkins "Power Tap" video while doing a power tap exercise]
Blue Latimore: Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap...
[Norbit smashes the window downstairs in the basement]
Blue Latimore: [shocked; run downstairs to see that Norbit escaped] Norbit! Norbit? Norbit? Oh, damn. He escaped. Norbit! NORBIT!
Blue Latimore: [as Norbit pedals off] You're ass is mine, Norbit!
[Norbit rides his bike towards the church when he's approached by Big Jack, Earl, and Rasputia]
Rasputia: Where the hell you goin', Norbit?
Norbit: [screams] None of your G.D. beeswax, Rasputia!
Rasputia: Look at you, you old stupid fool. You can't even ride a bike!
Norbit: Oh, yes I can, because Kate TAUGHT ME!
[Rasputia screams and grabs Norbit's neck]
Rasputia: [Rasputia gets into her car with Norbit and her chest keeps pressing the horn] God damm it, Norbit, how many times I got to tell you when you drive my car, don't adjust my seat?
Norbit: I haven't touched your seat.
Rasputia: Then why's it up so damn far?
Norbit: It looks like it's back as far as it goes, Rasputia.
Rasputia: No, you moved it! I can tell! Cuz look, when I inhale, my titty make the horn honk! See, listen!
Rasputia: See that?
[horn honks again]
Rasputia: That ain't right!
[horn honks again]
Norbit: I hear it.
Rasputia: Uh huh, that scientifically proves that you adjusted my seat!
Norbit: That's not science.
Rasputia: It is and just let it go!
Norbit: It's not science.
Rasputia: I said 'let it go!'
Norbit: I'm just saying...
[Rasputia punches him in the face]
Rasputia: [growls] I said it was science, god damm it!
Rasputia: [after seeing Norbit trying to go out, she yells at him] NORBIT!
Norbit: Oh! Rasputia! Good Morning, Rasputia! How are you this morning?
Rasputia: Where the hell you going?
Norbit: Oh, ummmm... I was just going to Raging Waters.
[after Norbit ruins the wedding and their future of opening a strip joint, the Latimore Brothers come at him, staring in anger]
Big Jack: You messed up, boy.
Earl Latimore: [whispers] That's right.
Big Jack: [grabs Norbit, raising his fist] Now you gonna pay... BIG TIME!
Abe the Tailor: [furious and growling] Latimore! Keep your "fakakta" hands off him!
Big Jack: Go back to your shop, Abe! Before I kill you too!
[the choir finished singing; the congregation is wildly happy]
Deion Hughes: [screaming] That's enough! THAT'S ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Stop the music!
Pope Sweet Jesus: Hold on...
Deion Hughes: [cuts Pope off] Shut up! You two, shut up! That's it. This is husband-and-wife time. Now, let's go. Let's go. Husband-and-wife stuff.
Pope Sweet Jesus: ...Now speakin of ribs, and pleasure...
Lord Have Mercy: Uh, yes, for a limited time only, we are proud to present to you our barbequed, baby back, horseradish, mustard, and peanut butter encrusted ribs with a slight Jagermeister infusion, sprinkled with chammomile leaves, with a horseradish and dandelion salad, on a bed of rice. Buy one Pimp Platter, get the whole bones free.
Deion Hughes: Ah, ah, ah, ah. No, no, no, no, no! That's enough talking. It's time to get back to the wedding.
Pope Sweet Jesus: It ain't never enough talkin' when you're talkin' about love, brother.
Big Jack: Here you go, Norbit. Saved the best piece for you.
[puts turkey on Norbit's plate]
Norbit - Age 9: What's that?
Big Jack: Turkey ass. Eat up sucker. Bon appetitty.
Pope Sweet Jesus: Poor Norbit. Man. Back when I was in the game, used to tell my hos, "Hos, ain't no man gonna pay for the cow if he can get the milk for free." You ain't gonna worry about this brother buying the milk, 'cause he just bought the whole damn cow.
Lord Have Mercy: That's a special cow, too. That must be where butter milk come from.
Rasputia: [laughs when Kate doesn't believe Norbit's story on Deion, a corrupt goldigger/cheater] Well, well, Norbit. You lose again! Once a loser, always a loser. Now, come on! Let's go!
Norbit: [to Kate] Yeah, I thought you'd feel that way about it, Kate. And that's why I took the liberty of inviting some of Deion's ex-wives down so maybe they can tell you for themselves. LADIES!
[Deion is shocked and frightened to see his three exes and their children walk in the church]
Ex-Wife #1: Hello, Antoine! I've been looking everywhere for you.
Ex-Wife #2: Antoine? He told me his name was Luther!
Rasputia: Who is that ho?
Ex-Wife #3: Luther? he told me he was gay!
Deion Hughes: No, no, no. Y'all got me confused with my gay twin brother, Antoine Luther.
Ex-Wife #1: [angry] You dead, goldigger!
Deion Hughes: [the wives and children are going towards him] I'm out!
Pope Sweet Jesus: Look's like the wedding's off, bro.
Lord Have Mercy: Church!
[Big Jack confronts Norbit at the wedding]
Big Jack: Norbit, let me talk to you for a second. Look, just so we clear: If you ever hurt my sister in any way, make her cry, even make her sad one time, I'm coming at you with razor blades and lemon juice. You hear me?
Norbit: [nervously] Yes.
Big Jack: I'm talkin' pain, boy. Searing, mind-numbing pain.
Norbit: [in fear] I understand.
Big Jack: You understand me?
Norbit: [choking] Yes, yes, yes.
Big Jack: All right. Welcome to the family.
Norbit: [whimpers] Thank you.
Rasputia: [singing along with the radio] Don't you wish your girlfriend was as hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me?
Mr. Wong: When Norbit was little boy he say "One day i'll have the girl of my dream" and then you and marry a gorilla!
[Latimore brothers get up]
Mr. Wong: I joke, I joke, why you not know joke when you hear joke, what you want to make fight at wedding.
Mr. Wong: better cool off before i have to bust somebody ass in here
Rasputia: What is this Norbit?
Norbit: Some kind of weird, satanic potato art?
Rasputia: Umm umm. Whats this?
Norbit: Looks like the acid we used down at the quarry.
Rasputia: [stomps] Right! And this is miss pretty little things little face. And Norbit if you ever see her again, if you ever talk to her again, if you ever so much as think about the bitch again, this is what's gon happen to her.
[pours acid on potato and potato dissolves]
Rasputia: how YOU doin? Get the picture Norbit?
Rasputia: little miss skinny bitch gon be there?
Norbit: Oh you mean miss ling ling?
Rasputia: Now you know damn well i aint talkin bout no mis lang lang im talkin about mis thang thang from that picnic
Norbit: Miss thing thing from the picnic? i dont really remember her name. Oh wait i think i remember now! It was a ferign name. Something Russian?
Rasputia: Kate bitch!
Norbit: Oh yes Kate. Well you know i dont know if Kates going to be there.
Rasputia: Well im goin.
Norbit: No! I mean you dont like water parks Rasputia
Rasputia: Who dont like water parks i love, except you dont gotta get off the ride to go to the bathroom, how you doin!
Rasputia: [singing dontcha in her car] ooh look at the dog eyeballin me.
[turns onto sidewalk and starts chasing dog]
Norbit: Wait Rasputia what are you doin?
Rasputia: Shut up! Ooh i gotcha now puppy i gotcha now!
Norbit: Wait! No No! No!
Rasputia: [Rasputia blurts out an evil laugh] You know what that sound means, Bark! How *you* doin?
[after harpooning Rasputia in the ass]
Mr. Wong: Bingo! Right in the blowhole!
Mr. Wong: [Doing the wedding toast] I want to say Norbit that I very... very confused, why you marry Latimore. I don't understand it, because when you was little boy, you say,
Mr. Wong: [Quoting Norbit] "One day I find girl of my dreams"
Mr. Wong: [Now self again] and then you marry a Gorilla.
Mr. Wong: [as the Latimore brothers stand] I joke, I joke, I joke. Why you not know joke when you hear joke? Why you wanna make fight at wedding?
Mr. Wong: [Quietly] cool off, before I have to bust somebody ass in here okay.
Mr. Wong: [the Latimore brothers sit and Wong continues the story] When Norbit just little boy, he like to always run allover the place naked. Always naked. And Norbit, when he was just little boy, had a pee pee, the size of an egg roll. You know, Norbit.
Norbit: That's true.
Mr. Wong: And one day, down by the creek, Norbit run around naked and poisonous snake jump up and bite Norbit, right on ass. Very close to whole. Norbit pass out. I think Norbit is dead. I go to check the boy pulse. He is still alive. He is still alive!
Mr. Wong: [Quoting himself] "Okay" I say "I must do something to save child." So, I start to think. "Do I suck poison out of Norbit's ass, or do I let him die?"
Mr. Wong: [after a pause] I do most responsible thing. I say "hell to the no. Norbit is out of here, because it is long time in hell, before Wong suck poison out of another man's ass."
Mr. Wong: [after laughter from crowd] But strange mystical thing happen, Norbit. Even though poison is in Norbit, he not die. Norbit get stronger and stronger. That's why I know Norbit, deep down inside, you very, very strong. Strong like warrior. That's why I say to you, Norbit, you can survive anything. Even...
Mr. Wong: [Covertly points at Rasputia, as crowd laughs again] So I say to everyone here, and to Norbit, I wish you much happiness, and peace, and love, and lots of bananas for you and your new gorilla. I only kidding. To Norbit, and Rasputia.