It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005– )
Charlie Kelly: Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis Reynolds: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie Kelly: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis Reynolds: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie Kelly: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac: You had a block of cheese?
Charlie Kelly: I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese.
Mac: [annoyed and confused] Does that calm you down?
Mac: I have an idea.
Frank Reynolds: [turns in fear] Where did you come from?
Mac: Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.
Charlie Kelly: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.
Charlie Kelly: Uh, later dudes. S you in your A's. Don't wear a C and J all over your B's.
Dennis Reynolds: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food? What would that be?
Charlie Kelly: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds: Hm, what?
Charlie Kelly: Milk steak.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak. Just put regular steak.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie Kelly: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis Reynolds: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, magnets.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie Kelly: Just magnets.
Dennis Reynolds: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. All right, what are some of your likes?
Charlie Kelly: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie Kelly: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis Reynolds: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie Kelly: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie Kelly: People's knees.
Dennis Reynolds: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what? We'll just make it all up.
Charlie Kelly: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...
Donna: You're thirty-three years old, you're supposed to be sexually active! You're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under the table!
Charlie Kelly: What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.
College Student: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis Reynolds: Alright, well now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie Kelly: It's gonna go both ways dude, sorry.
Dennis Reynolds: Really?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah, what else? What else?
College Student: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank Reynolds: Inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds: How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie Kelly: I wish it was man, but that's inconclusive.
College Student: Oh boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie Kelly: Well, don't give us judgements, just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College Student: Is this wolf hair?
Frank Reynolds: Also inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ!
Mac: I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
Frank Reynolds: My neice?
Frank Reynolds: Gail the Snail?
Mac: Dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? She's not blood related so it's not that weird.
Charlie Kelly: You did your best, no hard feelings! I'm going to grab some of this literature on my way out too.
Dennis Reynolds: She didn't do that great of a job.
Charlie Kelly: I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.
Charlie Kelly: When was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?
Dennis Reynolds: Uhh. What's-what's that?
Charlie Kelly: Well, it's... not about you. Why don't you just write it down?
Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis Reynolds: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.
Dennis Reynolds: Well dude, dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say 'no'?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis Reynolds: Nah, no it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said "no" then the answer obviously is "no"...
Mac: No, right.
Dennis Reynolds: But the thing is she's not gonna say "no", she would never say "no" because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis Reynolds: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis Reynolds: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me. That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis Reynolds: Goddamn.
[notices woman staring at them]
Dennis Reynolds: Well don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis Reynolds: No one's in any danger!
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie Kelly: Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?
Mac: [to Frank] God, you're disgusting. A disgusting animal.
Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie Kelly: I'm like a janitor at- um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.
Dennis Reynolds: Charlie can't read.
Frank Reynolds: He'll adapt.
Dennis Reynolds: He'll adapt to reading?
Charlie Kelly: So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here and I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis Reynolds: Mmm, tacos.
Charlie Kelly: Tacos, buddy! So, why not make for her a taco bed? You know what I mean?
Dennis Reynolds: Okay!
Charlie Kelly: She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay, I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole. A red little pillow for salsa. And I got these cute little brown pjs so that she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.
Dennis Reynolds: Ah, she's the ground meat in the middle.
Charlie Kelly: She's the ground meat in the middle!
[repeated lines, said in no specific order]
Charlie Kelly: Absolutely.
Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely.
Charlie Kelly: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language! I know that game.