Hannah Lewis: Why did G-Girl throw a shark at us?
[after revealing her secret to Matt]
Jenny Johnson: Say "I'd rather have a chainsaw shoved up my ass than tell."
Matt Saunders: Is that a possibility?
Jenny Johnson: Say it!
Matt Saunders: Ok. I'd rather have a chainsaw shoved up my ass than tell.
Jenny Johnson: [after breaking the bed while having sex] I'm sorry. I'll get you a new one.
Matt Saunders: A bed or a penis?
Jenny Johnson: Both.
Hannah Lewis: Get away from my boyfriend, you crazy bitch!
[in a dream sequence, Matt tells Vaughan G-Girl's secret identity]
Jenny Johnson: [brandishing a chainsaw] I WARNED YOU, MATT SAUNDERS!
Jenny Johnson: [off screen; in a loud yell] Hey, sweetie!
[Matt looks out Hannah's window to see G-Girl hovering in front of him]
Jenny Johnson: I hate you, Matt Saunders!
[proceeds to throw a Great White shark into the apartment]
Jenny Johnson: [seductively, walking toward him slowly] Matt Saunders, I'm afraid you've been a very evil boy. I think you need to be brought to justice.
Matt Saunders: [with a big grin on his face] Oh, yeah, I have been known to break a few rules here and there.
Jenny Johnson: [still seductive] Total, unequivocal justice.
Vaughn Haige: Oh, no no. Don't tell me. You have invaded the female nation and spread your democracy.
Carla Dunkirk: You are headed for some serious trouble.
Matt Saunders: I hear you, Homegirl. I got it.
Matt Saunders: Go and hide out somewhere. San Diego, Tahiti, Utah. No! Not Utah. Utah sucks.
Matt Saunders: I'm not going to help you kill her!
Professor Bedlam: Kill? I didn't say "kill"! I said "neutralize"! It's a neutral word... like Switzerland!
Jenny Johnson: [to Matt as she crushes his chest] You broke my heart! Now, I'm going to break your EVERYTHING!
Matt Saunders: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Vaughn Haige: The ability to gratify myself orally.
Matt Saunders: Interesting. But wouldn't that be a little...
Vaughn Haige: No.
Matt Saunders: Yeah.
Vaughn Haige: Not at all. Think about it.
Matt Saunders: Really? It seems that way.
[the purse-snatcher runs away, having dropped Jenny's handbag]
Matt Saunders: That's right, you better run, asshole! Keep running, my man. You don't want any of this! Keep running! Yeah!
[purse snatcher comes back around the corner with a lead pipe in his hands]
Scary Dude: What'd you call me?
Matt Saunders: Holy shit!
[over the phone]
Matt Saunders: What's going on there?
Vaughn Haige: Some big fire on 73rd and Broadway. Everything's burning.
Matt Saunders: Is anyone hurt?
Vaughn Haige: I don't know, probably. It's blocking my way to the gym.
Matt Saunders: All my thoughts are with you in this time of crisis.
[over the phone, as Vaughn watches G-Girl put out a fire by spinning up a whirlwind]
Vaughn Haige: It's G-Girl! She's doing her thing!
Matt Saunders: Are you serious? You lucky S.O.B., I've never seen her in person. How does she look?
Vaughn Haige: She looks...
Matt Saunders: What?
Vaughn Haige: ...blurry! But still pretty hot!
Jenny Johnson: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Matt Saunders: You didn't just go to the bathroom?
Jenny Johnson: Are you keeping track? That's kind of creepy.
Hannah Lewis: [referring to Jenny] She sounds like a nutcase.
Matt Saunders: So you're saying she's perfect for me.
Vaughn Haige: There are 3 moments I'll remember 'til the day I die. 1: the look on my father's face when I graduated from Harvard law school. 2: Helping a beached mother whale give birth. And... 3: You and me, together, here, tonight.
Shapely Bartender: Don't speak to me again... ever.
Matt Saunders: Hannah!
Vaughn Haige: Oh, man, I think she's dead. Time to start the grieving process.
Carla Dunkirk: You were staring at her butt.
Hannah Lewis: [smiling; flattered] He was?
Matt Saunders: No I wasn't -
Carla Dunkirk: Yes he was!
Matt Saunders: You're that Bedlam guy.
Professor Bedlam: Professor Bedlam.
Matt Saunders: The super villain.
Professor Bedlam: Please, I am not super. I am not a villain. I'm just a regular man like yourself with 10,000 more money, intelligence and taste.
[as they're floating up in the sky]
Jenny Johnson: I've always wanted to try this.
Matt Saunders: Try what?
[Jenny unzips his pants]
Matt Saunders: That. Wow. I'm not sure that's gonna work up here. It's drafty, too.
Professor Bedlam: [Repeated line] Stop calling me, Barry.
Matt Saunders: I find your argument both repugnant and intriguing.
Vaughn Haige: That's kind of my thing.
Vaughn Haige: Man! No woman's ever done that to me, and I actually am a dick.