4.8/10
154
11 user 12 critic

The Lives of the Saints (2006)

Mr Karva runs a shady little empire in North London. We don't know exactly how he makes his money but we know it's probably not very nice. Mr Karva's stepson, Othello, has ambitions to take... See full summary »

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1 nomination. See more awards »

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Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
...
Mr. Karva
...
Othello
...
Tina
...
Emilio
Sam MacLintock ...
The Child
Daon Broni ...
Roadrunner
...
Christella
...
Father Daniel
James Cook ...
Twin Boy I
Jude Cook ...
Twin Boy II
Paddy Fletcher ...
Drunk / Michali
Stella Quilley ...
Granny
Renu Setna ...
Maqsood Senior
...
Maqsood Junior
Josh Cole ...
Bookie
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Storyline

Mr Karva runs a shady little empire in North London. We don't know exactly how he makes his money but we know it's probably not very nice. Mr Karva's stepson, Othello, has ambitions to take the old man's place; and Othello's fainthearted friend, Emilio, has ambitions of his own. This delicate balance of power is upset when Roadrunner finds a strange, sickly-looking 10 year old boy in the park. All his life, Roadrunner has been on the move - but when he looks into the child's eyes, he finds he can finally stop running. It becomes clear that the child can grant each character their own taste of heaven - the 'perfect, rosy future of your dreams'. The child never talks but transforms the world around him, working on the desire in each character's heart, whatever it may be. Othello wins every bet he makes; Christella finds a new son to replace the baby she lost; Mr. Karva achieves his elusive orgasm and Father Daniel is finally able to express his own secret passions. But nothing ever ... Written by Dazed Film & TV

Plot Summary | Plot Synopsis

Genres:

Comedy | Drama

Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated PG-13 for mature thematic material, sexual content including images of an assault, violence, drug use and some strong language | See all certifications »
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Details

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Release Date:

26 January 2007 (UK)  »

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Technical Specs

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Aspect Ratio:

1.85 : 1
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Did You Know?

Soundtracks

I See A Darkness
Written & Composed by Will Oldham
Published by Royal Stable Music (ASCAP)
Arranged by David Lindsay
Banjo & Guitar David Lindsay
Vocals Steve Simpson
Viola Bob Loveday
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User Reviews

 
I would give it a minus number if I could..
29 June 2010 | by See all my reviews

Well, usually I give a plot outline in this section, but considering the fact that I didn't know myself what the hell was going on myself, I'll try to be as concise as possible. A group of losers find an abandoned child, who can help them predict results while gambling, thus making them a lot of money. The local Russian(?) gangster doesn't like this (more on him later) and tries to get the little blighter. Then we have a stupid cafe worker who suddenly decides an old drunk she meets is her son, a priest who dances in his church when he is all alone, A black guy called Roadrunner(!) who.. runs everywhere and.. ARRGH I GIVE UP!!

Populated exclusively be people with stupid accents and with one of the most incoherent stories I have ever seen, it is unbelievable that this film ever got made. All throughout I was thinking to myself: What was the point in THAT scene? Why am I watching these boring people? Why is this such pretentious drivel? What's with the portentous narration? In the end I just gave up and started to play Literati on the Internet, leaving the film on so I could write this review having claimed I had watched it.. but my God, it was painful just to LISTEN to it. Repeat this film on a loop in Guantanamo bay, and I guarantee you'll be up to your neck in radical Muslims making confessions, whether they're guilty or not.

I must give a special mention to the obese gentleman who plays the foreign Ruskie mobster. Simply put, the delivers the WORST performance I have ever seen in the thousands of films I have watched. That ain't hyperbole. To look at him is to hate him. To hear him is to hate him. Heck, even his tan is fake. I sincerely hope that if he ever decides to act again, someone close to him will politely but firmly remind him what a fool he made of himself here and tell him to forget it. If he still won't listen to reason, drug him. Lock him up. Break his legs if needs be, but don't let him anywhere near a camera again. Please.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.. What a terrible, terrible movie. 0/10


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