The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Tom Hanks: Hello, I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility so it's borrowing some of mine.
Russ Cargill: Anyone can pick something when they know what it is; It takes real leadership to pick something you're clueless about.
President Schwarzenegger: Ok, I pick 3!
Russ Cargill: Try again.
Russ Cargill: Go higher.
Russ Cargill: Too high.
Russ Cargill: You already said 3.
Russ Cargill: There is no 6.
Russ Cargill: Double it.
Russ Cargill: As you wish, sir.
Marge Simpson: Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.
Homer Simpson: I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!
Carl: No we won't. We just want Homer!
Homer Simpson: Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!
Grampa: I'm part of the mob!
Homer Simpson: [after being trapped in the dome] D'OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHME!
Russ Cargill: [enters the Oval Office] President Schawarzenegger.
President Schwarzenegger: Ja. That is me.
Russ Cargill: The pollution in Springfield has reached crisis levels.
President Schwarzenegger: Ach! Everything is "crisis this" and "end-of-the-world that"! No one opens with a joke! I miss Danny DeVito.
Russ Cargill: You like jokes, huh? Well, stop me if you've heard this one.
[holds up cage with the mutant squirrel]
President Schwarzenegger: [gasp] Look at all those angry eyes and pointy teeth! It's like Christmas at the Kennedy Compound!
Russ Cargill: Mr. President, you chose me, Russ Cargill, most successful man in America, to head the EPA, the least successful government agency. Why did I take the job? Because I'm just a rich guy who wants to kick some ass for good old Mother Earth. I want to give something back. Not the money, but something. That's why I've narrowed your choices down to five unthinkable options.
[spreads the files on the President's desk]
Russ Cargill: Each one will cause untold misery and...
President Schwarzenegger: [points to File #3] I pick Number Three!
Russ Cargill: Really? You don't want to read them first?
President Schwarzenegger: I was elected to *lead*, not to *read*. Number Three!
NSA Worker: Hey everybody, I found one! The government actually found someone we're looking for! YEAH, BABY, YEAH!
Ned Flanders: Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful...
Ned Flanders: [screams]
Ned Flanders: PENIS!
Todd Flanders: Amen.
[Bart puts a black bra on his head]
Bart Simpson: [in the voice of a cartoon mouse] I'm the mascot of an evil corporation!
Bart Simpson: [on the blackboard, in the open sequence] I will not illegally download this movie.
Marge Simpson: [to Lisa] Honey, that's great. But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man to...
[looks up in surprise]
Marge Simpson: How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?
[cuts to Homer holding a pig to the ceiling]
Homer Simpson: [singing Tune to Spider-Man Theme Song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing / from a web? / No he *can't*, / He's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!
Homer Simpson: Okay, son. You have only one chance to throw that bomb through the hole.
Bart Simpson: Dad, in case I don't make it, I'm sorry I said I wish you weren't my dad.
Homer Simpson: I don't blame you, son. I've never been that good of a father. Maybe it all starts with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's all clear to me. It's all just been one long, unbroken chain of...
Marge Simpson: Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!
Lisa Simpson: What are you doing, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Eh, just passing the time.
[Bart claps, snow repeatedly falls on Homer]
Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?
Lisa Simpson: But Dad!
Homer Simpson: [sternly] Clap for Alaska!
[Lisa claps along with Bart]
Homer Simpson: [Homer is buried under an avalanche]
Ned Flanders: Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.
Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there?
Ned Flanders: No.
Russ Cargill: [levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]
Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.
Homer Simpson: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
Russ Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I'm going to do both right now.
Bart Simpson: Wait! But if you kill my dad, I'll never know where the treasure is buried!
Russ Cargill: What treasure?
Bart Simpson: Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.
Russ Cargill: I'm a wiener?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Homer Simpson: Classic!
Russ Cargill: Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.
[Cargil aims the shotgun, right as he is about to fire a boulder falls on him KOing him, the camera pans up to show Maggie]
Homer Simpson: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!
[Maggie winks and does a hand gun at Homer]
Bart Simpson: You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer Simpson: What kind of fun?
Bart Simpson: How bout a dare contest?
Homer Simpson: That sounds fun! I dare you to... climb the TV antennae!
Bart Simpson: [Bart climbs it easily] Piece of cake.
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the antennae] Earthquake!
[Bart falls off and hangs onto the railing]
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the railing] Aftershock!
Ned Flanders: Uh, Homer? I don't mean to be a nervous Pervis, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-erino?
Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart Simpson: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer Simpson: Well said, boy!
[about the Itchy and Scratchy movie in the cinema hall]
Homer Simpson: I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker! Especially you!
[points to us]
Bart Simpson: [blushing] Did you at least bring my clothes?
Homer Simpson: Shirt, socks, everything you need.
Bart Simpson: [covering up privates] You didn't bring my pants!
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?
Bart Simpson: [face is completely red, sobs] This is the worst day of my life.
Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life *so far*.
Marge Simpson: Despite everything, I miss your father.
Bart Simpson: Me too... his big fat ass could shield us all.
Homer Simpson: We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!
Colin: I'm Colin.
Lisa Simpson: I haven't seen you at school
Colin: Just moved from Ireland. My dad's a musician.
Lisa Simpson: Is he...?
Colin: He's not Bono.
Lisa Simpson: I just thought because you're Irish and you care about...
Colin: He's NOT Bono.
Bart Simpson: Look what I did to *your* picture!
[Bart holds up a picture of Homer, on which he has drawn Flanders-style hair, glasses and a mustache]
Homer Simpson: AHHH!
Bart Simpson: Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily!
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Homer begins strangling Bart]
Homer Simpson: I'll strangle-angle you!
Lisa Simpson: Mom, I've got to go find Colin.
Marge Simpson: Not now, sweetie. Doomsday is family time.
[Homer is whipping the dogs pulling his sled]
Homer Simpson: Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs jump over a cliff] Jump! Jump!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs land on the other side] Land! Land!
Homer Simpson: [still whipping the dogs as they take a breather] Rest! Rest!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs pull the sled again] Run! Run!
Homer Simpson: [Homer sets up camp and begins removing the dog muzzles] Okay, I know we've had a rough day, but I'm sure we can put that all behind us and...
Homer Simpson: [the dogs start attacking Homer, causing him to scream in pain] AGH! Not my whipping arm!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs leave Homer stranded] Why does everything I whip leave me?
Chief Wiggum: [sees Fat Tony and his mobsters dragging a body wrapped in a sheet to the lake] Uh sorry, sorry, no dumping in the lake!
Fat Tony: Fine, I will put my *yard trimmings* in a car compactor.
[he and the mobsters walk off with the body]
Lou: Uh, Chief, I think there was a dead body in there.
Chief Wiggum: I thought that too, until he said yard trimmings. You gotta learn to listen, Lou.
Marge Simpson: [grimacing at the overflowing 'Pig Crap' silo] He filled up the whole silo in just two days?
Homer Simpson: [proudly] Well, I helped.
[Bart is skateboarding naked across town]
Ralph Wiggum: [brightly] I like men now.
Russ Cargill: I was tricked by an idiot!
Cletus: Hey, I know how you feel; I was beat in tic-tac-toe by a chicken.
Lisa Simpson: This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen. So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses!
[everyone spits out their water in disgust]
Moe: See, this is why we should hate kids!
Homer Simpson: Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
Marge Simpson: Actually, it's aged me horribly.
Milhouse: Hey, I am very passionate about the planet.
Nelson: [raises his fist] Say global warming is a myth!
Milhouse: [cowering] It's a myth! Further study is needed!
Nelson: [punches Milhouse] That's for selling out your beliefs!
Ned Flanders: Bart, crawl across on this plank. Quickly!
Bart Simpson: But if they see you helping us, they might kill you too.
Ned Flanders: Oh, pshaw. I'm sure your father would do the same for...
[Bart just stares at him]
Ned Flanders: Point taken. Now hustle your bustles!
Homer Simpson: Okay, epiphany, epiphany... oh I know! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!
Homer Simpson: Ow! Uh, America will never embrace soccer.
Homer Simpson: More than two shakes and it's playing with yourself?
Homer Simpson: All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare. I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger... and back... *naked*.
Bart Simpson: How naked?
Homer Simpson: Fourth base.
Bart Simpson: But girls might see my doodle.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you chicken for life! Every morning, you'll wake up to, Good morning, chicken! At your wedding, I'll sing...
Homer Simpson: [clucks the wedding march] Buck-buck-bu-buck!
Krusty the Clown: If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!
Montgomery Burns: Smithers... I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.
Tom Hanks: [voiceover in TV ad] Are you tired of the same old Grand Canyon?
TV Dad: [bored] Here we are kids. The Grand Canyon.
TV Daughter: Oh, it's so old and boring! I want a new one, *now!*
Tom Hanks: [appears from behind bush] Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine.
TV Son: Tussle my hair, Mr. Hanks!
Tom Hanks: Sure thing, son.
[laughs as he does so. Stars come out of the boy's hair. He then smiles in wonder]
Tom Hanks: Now, I'm pleased to tell you about the new Grand Canyon.
[shot changes to that of a smouldering crater]
Tom Hanks: Coming this weekend! It's east of Shelbyville and south of Capital City.
Marge Simpson: [watching ad] That's where Springfield is!
Tom Hanks: It's nowhere near where anything is or ever was. This is Tom Hanks saying, if you're gonna pick a government to trust, why not this one?
Homer Simpson: [flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!
Homer Simpson: [Pig nudges the plank the Simpsons are using to escape] No, Plopper. If you push that, daddy will die.
Pig: [looks at Homer and pushes plank] Oink.
Lisa Simpson: [during end credits] It looks like Maggie has something to say!
Marge Simpson: Oh my God! Her first word!
Maggie Simpson: [takes pacifier out of mouth]
Maggie Simpson: Sequel?
Ned Flanders: The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something...
Homer Simpson: [whispering hopefully, with his fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...
Homer Simpson: He's not Spider-Pig anymore, he's Harry Plopper.
Chief Wiggum: [shouting at a naked Bart] Stop, in the name of American squeamishness!
Agnes Skinner: [pointing to Bart who skateboards past naked] Don't look where I'm pointing!
Grampa: [as Springfield is being sealed in the dome] That crazy old man in church was right!
Toll Booth Man: Welcome to Alaska. Here's a thousand dollars.
Homer Simpson: Well, it's about time! But why?
Toll Booth Man: We pay every resident a thousand dollars to allow the oil companies to ravage our state's natural beauty.
Homer Simpson: [hugs toll booth man] I'm home!
Marge Simpson: Homer, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."
Homer Simpson: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
[the wrecking ball dings the truck Marge, Lisa and Bart are in]
Bart Simpson: Did you hear something?
Lisa Simpson: Probably just a moth.
Marge Simpson: I hope it's okay.
Ralph Wiggum: [blowing bubbles at the dome] Take that!
[one of the bubbles pops in his eye]
Ralph Wiggum: Oh, no! Blow back!
Homer Simpson: A lot of people worked hard on this film, and all they ask is for you to memorize their names.
Homer Simpson: [while choking Bart for laughing at him] I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!
Tom Hanks: This is Tom Hanks saying if you see me in person, please, leave me be.
Martin: [walks up to bullies, picks up wooden board] I've been taking your crap all my life!
[beats the bullies in one swipe]
Martin: Whoo! This feels good! No wonder you do it.
Ticker: Watch 'Are You Smarter Than a Celebrity?' on FOX. That's right, we even advertise our shows during movies now.
Moe: What are you telling us, were trapped like rats?
Russ Cargill: No, rats can't be trapped this easily, you're trapped like... carrots.
Girl on Phone: You hang up first.
Boy on Phone: No, you hang up first.
Girl on Phone: Okay.
Boy on Phone: What the-? She hung up on me!
Mayor Quimby: To make sure this wall is completely idiot-proof... Cletus!
Mayor Quimby: Try to dump something in the lake.
[tries to go to the lake to dump a possum but keeps hitting the wall]
Cletus: I can't. I - I simply can't.
Lisa Simpson: [Lisa and Colin are pressing their hands against the glass] I never thought my life would have an absolutely perfect moment, but this...
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Lisa's got a boyfriend / That she'll never see again!
[Lisa cold-cocks Bart]
[car tyres screech to a halt outside. The Simpsons' silhouettes as the family make their way to the church door. Their conversation can also be heard]
Marge Simpson: I hate being late!
Homer Simpson: Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.
Marge Simpson: Homer, they can hear you inside!
Homer Simpson: Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!
[the family enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They make their way to their pew]
Homer Simpson: How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.
Lisa Simpson: Colin! Colin!
Milhouse: Lisa, Colin is dead.
Milhouse: His last words were, "Milhouse, take care of Lisa. Hold her hand."
[realizes Colin is standing beside him]
Milhouse: Uh, I got her all warmed up for ya.
Bart Simpson: [drunkenly] Mom?
Marge Simpson: Yes honey?
Bart Simpson: You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman.
Homer Simpson: You'll pay for ruining the golden family moment!
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Bart Simpson: How are we supposed to get to Alaska without any money?
Homer Simpson: Alright, son. If you don't believe me, believe in America!
Chief Wiggum: [after the Simpsons' house collapses into the sink hole] They're China's problem now.
Billie Joe Armstrong: We've been playing for three and a half hours. Now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.
[all goes quiet, followed by angry shouts and hurled debris]
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: [during the end credits, mopping up the theater floor] Assistant Manager isn't all it's cracked up to be. Four years of film school for this?
Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut. Print. Kill the pig.
Homer Simpson: What... you can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
EPA Official: S-sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power...
Russ Cargill: Of course I have. You ever tried going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you!
Robot: Red wire, blue wire, black is usually the ground...
Robot: ... ahhh, so much pressure... PRESSURE!
[grabs Chief Wiggum's gun and shoots itself in the head]
Chief Wiggum: He was talking about it, but I never took him seriously.
Bart Simpson: [drunk] I miss Flanders. There, I said it!
Homer Simpson: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.
[on TV, the cops rotate the silo to reveal "Return to Homer Simpson - No Reward"]
Lisa Simpson: Our crisis level will be here.
Lenny: That's not so bad.
Lisa Simpson: No, this forklift is messed up.
[the forklift goes crazy until it is back to normal]
Lisa Simpson: Am I getting through to anyone?
Krusty the Clown: Hell yeah, we need a new one of those things!
EPA Passenger: There's something strange about that 'Sop' sign...
[to the angry mob, as Homer tries to escape through the sinkhole]
Moe: The top of his head is still showing! Claw at it!
Russ Cargill: I want one thousand tough guys, and I want one thousand soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher.
Russ Cargill: Your government has realized that sealing you under this dome was a terrible mistake. Therefore, we are commencing with Operation Soaring Eagle
Russ Cargill: ... which involves killing you all.
Montgomery Burns: So, you want some of my electricity, do you? Well, for once, the rich, white man is in control. I have two buttons behind my desk. One will provide your town with power, the other releases the hounds. Reach me. Make me your brother.
Dr. Hibbert: The hospital's generator is about to give out. Lives will be lost.
Montgomery Burns: [writing down] Lives... lost. Go on.
Chief Wiggum: We have a convict we're gonna fry tomorrow, but now we can't.
Montgomery Burns: Tempting, tempting...
Apu: Look, all of our reasons mean nothing. Just look inside your heart and you will find the answer.
[Smithers waves frantically and shakes his head no; cut to outside of mansion as screaming and barking is heard inside]
Montgomery Burns: First door on the right.
Apu: Thank you.
Professor Frink: People, people, I have a very important announcement! I have invented an acid-firing super drill that can cut through anything. It's right there, just out... side the dome.
Scratchy: [having just landed on the Moon] We come in peace for cats and mice everywhere.
[Itchy impales and beats Scratchy with flag pole]
Marge Simpson: [Springfield has just been encased in a glass dome] EPA! It's all come true.
Grampa: [about himself] That crazy old man in church was right.
Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?
Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?
Bart Simpson: I want syrup!
Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!
Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?
Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.
[Kisses Grampa on the forehead]
Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?
Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.
Homer Simpson: I rest my case.
Marge Simpson: "A thousand eyes." What could that mean?
Grampa: Hmm. I'm pretty sure a thousand... is a number.
Bart Simpson: I want a father who's the same in the morning as he is at night. Oh... what's that word...
Bart Simpson: Thanks losers.
Mayor Quimby: I hereby declare a state of emergency: Code Black.
Lenny: Black? That's the worst color there is.
[Lenny turns to Carl, his black friend]
Lenny: No offense there, Carl.
Carl: I get it all the time.
Cletus: [after showing Cargill a trick with his thumb] You want to know how I do it?
Russ Cargill: Four generations of inbreeding?
Cletus: [Flattered] Oh, you.
Marge Simpson: "Eepa." What does that mean?
Comic Book Guy: I believe it was the sound Green Lantern made when Sinestro dropped him in a vat of acid. "Eee-pa!"
Marge Simpson: Yeah. Well, thanks for coming over.
Comic Book Guy: [happily] Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants; I've never known comfort like this.
Marge Simpson: Wait! There's something I have to get!
[Runs into house, unlocks "Keepsake Cabinet", grabs tape, washes dirty dish, and races out, mere steps ahead of fireball]
Homer Simpson: [Marge gets back into car] What'd you get?
Marge Simpson: Our wedding video.
Homer Simpson: We have a wedding video?
Marge Simpson: Homer, it was you! You single-handedly killed the entire town!
Homer Simpson: I know, it's *weird!*
[Lisa and Colin are separated by the dome and are saying their good-byes]
Bart Simpson: [singing] Lisa's got a boyfriend, that she'll never see again!
[Lisa slugs him out]
Homer Simpson: [noticing a glow] Uh, what's that ominous glow in the distance?
Angry Mob: [wielding torches] Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill...
Homer Simpson: [looking out the window] Marge, look! Those idiots don't even know where we *live*!
Angry Mob: [looking round, seeing Homer] Kill, kill, kill, kill...
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[in the middle of the movie]
Title Card: To be continued.
Title Card: Immediately.
Homer Simpson: [about the pig] Aw, you're gonna love him! Look, he does an impression of you!
[Homer pulls the pig's tail, causing it to bray like a donkey]
Homer Simpson: [laughing] You nailed her. He also does me.
[Homer squeezes the pig's stomach, causing it to burp; Marge giggles]
Homer Simpson: You smiled! I'm off the hook!
Grampa: Homer? What are you doing now?
Homer Simpson: Risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I don't quite understand. Gotta go!
Panicky Man: [as the dome is being lowered] Oh, no! What do I do? I don't know what to do! I'm alone if I leave, and I'm trapped if I stay! In! Out! In! Out! I never saw Venice!
[is crushed by edge of dome]
Ned Flanders: Look at that, you can see the four states that border Springfield: Ohio, Nevada, Maine, and Kentucky!
Bart Simpson: Oh yeah.
Homer Simpson: That was the most incredible experience of my life! And now, to find my family, save my town, and drop ten pounds!
Russ Cargill: Springfield has become...
Man: Woooo! Springfield!
Russ Cargill: ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.
Krusty the Clown: Drama queen!
Homer Simpson: Stay back, I've got a chain saw!
[fakes chainsaw sounds vocally]
Comic Book Guy: I've spent my entire life doing nothing but collecting comic books... and now there's only time to say... LIFE WELL SPENT!
Todd Flanders: I wish Homer was my father.
Ned Flanders: ...and I wish you didn't have the devil's curly hair.
Homer Simpson: [gets up to leave and stops in the aisle] Ooh, floor popcorn!
[picks a pile of popcorn up off the floor and begins to eat it]
[Moe sports a bathrobe and a traffic cone on his head]
Marge Simpson: Why are you dressed like that?
Moe: Well, I don't like to brag, but I am now the Emperor of Springfield.
Barney Gumble: No, you're not!
[throws fire bomb at Moe]
Moe: Yes, I am!
[throws bomb back and it explodes]
Barney Gumble: Okay. Hail Emperor.
Ralph Wiggum: [after Bart skates by, naked] I like men now.
Ned Flanders: [surprised by the pink mutated multi-eyed squirrel] Well, this certainly seems odd, but, heh, who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine intelligent design! Good job!
Bart Simpson: [poking mutant squirrel's eyes] Jab him-jab him-jab-jab-jab!
Male EPA Worker: Hey! Jab one more eye and it's a federal crime!
EPA Passenger: Look, we can't keep stopping at every "sop", "yeld", or "one vay" sign!
Homer Simpson: Now Homer Simpson's gonna show he has cajones!
Marge Simpson: Okay, here it goes. Homer, I've always stood up for you. When people point out your flaws, I always say, "Well, sometimes you have to stand back to appreciate a work of art."
Homer Simpson: Way back.
Marge Simpson: Lately, what's keeping us together is my ability to overlook everything you do. And I overlook these things because...
Homer Simpson: Because?
Marge Simpson: Well, that's the thing. I just don't know how to finish that sentence anymore. So I'm leaving with the kids to help Springfield, and we're never coming back. And to prove to myself that this is the end... I taped this over our wedding video. Good-bye, Homie.
[Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry]
Homer Simpson: Hey, what's with you?
Bart Simpson: You really wanna know?
Homer Simpson: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about
Homer Simpson: a pig wearing a hat!
[Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial]
Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!
[He laughs and then takes a bite of the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Mmm!
Director: And... we're clear.
[Krusty spits out the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.
[a saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror]
Homer Simpson: [gasps] What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
[the pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig]
Homer Simpson: You're coming home with me.
Bart Simpson: Let us out! Let us out!
EPA Official: Stop that! You'll scratch your shackles!
Bart Simpson: I hope I do!
[rubs shackles on cage, a gas then enters the truck]
Lisa Simpson: Oh way to go Bart!
Bart Simpson: [drugged] You stink.
Lisa Simpson: [even more drugged] No you stink.
[they both pass out]
Homer Simpson: [talking to himself while trudging through the snow] Must keep going. Must keep going. No I can't! Yes, you can. No I can't. Yes you can. Oh, shut up! *You* shut up! No, you! No, you! Oh, real mature! Oh, what's the point?
[falls into the snow]
Homer Simpson: What seems to be the problem, officer?
Bart Simpson: Dad! Tell them you dared me to do it!
Chief Wiggum: If that's true, then you should be taking the rap for this, not your son.
Homer Simpson: And what happens to me if it's my fault?
Chief Wiggum: You'll have to attend a one hour parenting class.
Homer Simpson: It was all his fault! He's out of control! I'm at my wit's end!
Grampa: [shouting from church floor] Twisted Tail... A thousand eyes... Trapped forever!
Montgomery Burns: Well, for once, the rich white man is in control.
Homer Simpson: Marge!
[runs to her, hits head in tree branch]
Homer Simpson: It's the epiphitree! I tried my best, what am I supposed to do?
[wind blows leaf so that it points to hole over dome]
Homer Simpson: But how am I supposed to get there?
[light shaft shines on motorcycle]
Homer Simpson: Oh!
[slips a dollar bill on a hole in the tree]
Homer Simpson: Here, buy yourself something nice.
[the police have just found Homer's pig crap silo, which is marked "Return to Homer Simpson"]
Kent Brockman: Now, Channel 6 does not endorse vigilante violence. Unless it gets results... which it *will*.
[a picture of Homer appears in the upper-right hand corner]
News Text: [flashing] GET HIM!
[Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day sings "da-da-da" to the final part of the Simpsons tune, following his teleprompter]
Billie Joe Armstrong: Alright, well thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.
[there is a deathly silence, followed by huge boos from the Springfieldians. They start throwing things at Green Day]
Barney Gumble: Preachy!
Billie Joe Armstrong: We're not being preachy!
Tre Cool: But the pollution in your lake - it's dissolving our barge!
[Moe is sitting in a deck chair. Lisa is standing next to him]
Lisa Simpson: I thought they touched on a vital issue.
Moe: I beg to differ.
[He throws a rock at the stage, which penetrates the bass drum and hits Frank in the crotch]
Tre Cool: Oh.
Mike Dirnt: Gentlemen, it's been an honour playing with you tonight.
[Green Day put down their instruments and bring out violins as the barge sinks. Lisa looks on woefully]
Homer Simpson: Screw Springfield!
Marge Simpson: [gasps] I can't believe you'd say something so selfish.
Homer Simpson: Marge, those people chased us with pitchforks and torches. TORCHES! At four in the afternoon!
Marge Simpson: It was 7 at night.
Homer Simpson: It was during Access Hollywood.
Marge Simpson: Which is on at 4 and 7.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Marge Simpson: [observing a silo marked "Pig Crap"] Ugh... it's leaking!
Homer Simpson: It's not leaking, it's overflowing!
Marge Simpson: He filled up the whole silo in two days?
Homer Simpson: Well I helped.
Chief Wiggum: Alright, men. Open fire!
[Cops shoot at dome; the bullets ricochet and hit them]
Chief Wiggum: Who's hurt? Raise your hand.
[Cops raise their hands moaning]
Chief Wiggum: Without the attitude.
Helen Lovejoy: [having a "Book Club" with women] Okay, let's discuss "Tuesdays with Morrie."
Cookie Kwan: Again? If we don't get a new book, I'm gonna puke.
Lindsey Naegle: You're the five people I'm going to meet in hell!
[throws a book at Helen, barely missing her, ending up going through the window instead]
Marge Simpson: Homer, please get rid of that pig.
Homer Simpson: Oh you're gonna love him. Look he does an impression of you.
[Homer squeezes the pigs belly causing it to make a loud squeeling sound]
Homer Simpson: Nailed her!
Homer Simpson: He also does me
[squeezes the pig again, causing it to burp]
Marge Simpson: [laughs]
Homer Simpson: You smiled! I'm off the hook.
Homer Simpson: I dunno what to tell you, Marge! I don't think about things. I mean, I respect those who do, but... I just try and make the day not hurt until I can crawl back in with you.
Homer Simpson: [in a noose the angry mob set up] The word "apology" is tossed around a lot these days, but when it comes from in here...
[Homer motions towards his heart, prompting someone to throw a buzzsaw at him]
Homer Simpson: D'OH!
Homer Simpson: [to Pig] Maybe *we* should kiss, just to break the tension.
Homer Simpson: Well, Marge, we're separated from the kids by a wall of snow. All of our dreams are coming true.
Lisa Simpson: [Knocks on door] Good morning. Sorry to bother you on a Sunday morning, but I'm sure you're as worried about Lake Springfield as I am.
[Door slams, Lisa knocks at the next house]
Lisa Simpson: Did you know that levels of mercury in Lake Springfield are higher than even...
[Door slams, Lisa knocks at the next door]
Sweet Old Lady: Why, it's the little girl who saved my cat.
Lisa Simpson: Lake Springfield...
Lisa Simpson: Oh.
Homer Simpson: I've always been afraid I'd screw up our lives so bad that I've had to come up with a back-up plan. And that plan is right here!
[Pulls out wallet; takes out Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" card]
Homer Simpson: No.
[Takes out photo of Michael Jordan with his face taped over it]
Homer Simpson: No.
[Takes out folded piece of paper]
Homer Simpson: Bingo!
[Unfolds paper; it takes a long time]
Homer Simpson: Bear with me.
[finally unfolds paper, a huge poster of Alaska with the tagline "A Fresh Start"]
Lisa Simpson: Alaska?
Homer Simpson: Alaska! Where you can't be too fat or too drunk. When no one says things like "Let's see your high school equivalency certificate."
Medicine Woman: Homer Simpson. do you know why you are here?
Homer Simpson: because my family cares more about other people then they do about me.
Medicine Woman: drink this liquid.
Homer Simpson: AHHHhHHHHHHHH more please.
Medicine Woman: now we will cleanse you spirit my the ancient Inuit art of throat singing.
Homer Simpson: throat singing?
Medicine Woman: AAAA OOO OOO OOO AAAA
Homer Simpson: hoooo ahhh hoo ah hoo ah
Homer Simpson: how long we doing this?
Medicine Woman: until you. have an epiphany.
Homer Simpson: ok?
Medicine Woman: OOOOOOOHHHH OOOHHH OOHHH
Homer Simpson: whats an epiphany?
Medicine Woman: sudden realizing, of great truth.
Homer Simpson: ok.
[watching the credits]
Bart Simpson: [to Homer] Come on, dad, let's go! I've been holding it since they put the dome on the town!
Bart Simpson: Boy, you made it! But how?
Santa's Little Helper: [subtitled] I did things no dog should. They will haunt me forever.
Bart Simpson: I love you too.
[the Green Day barge is dissolving in polluted Lake Springfield]
Mike Dirnt: Gentlemen, it's been an honor playing with you tonight.
Homer Simpson: Marge, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."
[holds out hand]
Homer Simpson: And there's only one answer when somebody says that.
Carl: If someone distracts Cargill, the rest of us can climb up that thing.
Lenny: But who would be dumb enough to stay here while we escape with our lives?
Cletus: Ahem... My time to shine!
Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman here reporting on a crisis so serious it has its own name and theme music.
[graphic shows the domed Springfield on a styrofoam cup labeled "Trappuccino" as ominous music plays]
Kent Brockman: The dome has put an end to life as we know it. The town is running low on supplies of everything from gasoline to Botox.
[Kent's face droops]
Kent Brockman: Moment, please.
[clips skin on back of neck]
Kent Brockman: And, as always, we end our broadcast with news on the lighter side. It's the time of year when the swallows return to Springfield.
[cut to swallows crashing into dome, as hungry cats await below]
Russ Cargill: My name is Russ Cargill, head of the EPA.
Moe: The what?
Russ Cargill: The Environmental Protection Agency.
Lenny: Come again?
Russ Cargill: Look, I'm an important man with a big TV. Just listen to me.