Robert: [Giselle and the other people at Central Park all start singing] He knows the song too? I've never heard this song before! What the hell is it?
Prince Edward: Giselle!
[leaps off a bridge, begins to sing]
Prince Edward: I've been dreaming of a...
[a group of cyclists collide with Prince Edward, everyone collapses]
Giselle: Why are you staring at me?
Robert: I don't know. It's just that... it's like you escaped from a Hallmark card or something.
Giselle: Is that a bad thing?
Prince Edward: [threatening Robert with his sword] Have you any last words before I dispatch you?
Robert: You have got to be kidding me!
Prince Edward: Strange words!
Prince Edward: Thank you for taking care of my bride, peasants.
Robert: Oh my.
Giselle: Oh my. He's here!
Giselle: Oh my. Oh my goodness. How do I look?
Robert: Slightly stunned.
Giselle: No, I mean, how do I look?
[mean her appearance]
Robert: You look... beautiful.
Morgan Philip: Remember, when you go out not to put too much makeup otherwise the boys will get the wrong idea and you know how they are...
[off Giselle's wide-eyed look]
Morgan Philip: They're only after one thing.
Giselle: What's that?
Morgan Philip: [laughs] I don't know. Nobody will tell me.
Giselle: [after Robert has cured her, with love's true kiss] I knew it was you.
[kisses him again]
Prince Edward: [talking to a TV] Magic Mirror. I beg you. Tell me where she is!
Mary Ilene Caselotti: [on TV] Reporting from 116th and Broadway.
Prince Edward: One hundred and sixteenth and Broadway!
[hugs the TV]
Prince Edward: Thank you mirror!
[kisses it and runs off]
Queen Narissa: [transforms into a dragon] If I'm to remain queen I'll need a story for when I go back to Andalasia. What about "a giant, dangerous monster appeared and killed everyone, and poor Queen Narissa she just couldn't save them!" Let's start with the girl who started it all!
Robert: [pushes Giselle further behind him] Over my dead body!
Queen Narissa: [shrugs] Alright, I'm flexible.
[grabs Robert instead]
Queen Narissa: [Giselle climbs towards her] Oh my, this is a twist in our story! It's the brave little princess coming to the rescue.
Queen Narissa: [looking at Robert] I guess this makes you the damsel in distress, huh, handsome?
Robert: [singing to Giselle along with the bandleader at the ball] Now you're beside me, and look how far we've come, so far. We are so close.
Robert: Would you like me to call someone for you?
Giselle: I don't think they would hear you from here.
Giselle: What about you and Nancy? You know that you will live happily ever after.
Robert: I don't know if I'll make it through today, let alone a lifetime. That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's complicated.
Giselle: But it doesn't have to be. Not if she knows.
Robert: Knows what?
Giselle: How much you really love her.
Robert: Of course she does. We just don't talk about it every minute of the day, but she knows.
Robert: What do you mean, "how?"
Giselle: [singing] How does she know...
Robert: [laughs] No, don't.
Giselle: You love her? / How does she know...
Robert: People look-looking.
Giselle: She's yours?
Robert: [interrupting] Don't sing. It's OK, you know. Let's just walk. Can we walk?
Giselle: [speaks] Well, does she?
[Nathaniel arrives in New York]
Arty: Let me guess. You're looking for a beautiful girl, too?
Nathaniel: No, actually, I'm looking for a prince.
Pip in Andalasia: [realizing his added weight on the troll causes the entire branch to sink lower] Whoa, I gotta lay off da nuts!
Prince Edward: Go ahead, Pip. What is it you want to say?
Pip in New York: [clears his throat, squeaks] You with me.
[rubs "hands" together and points to Nathaniel, trying to tell Edward that Nathaniel is a traitor]
Prince Edward: Nathaniel?
Pip in New York: [squeaking] Uh-huh. Nathaniel.
Prince Edward: Nathaniel's glad to have me near.
Pip in New York: [squeaking] No-no-no-no-no!
[imitates Nathaniel and then scurries to a soda cup indicating that he saw Nathaniel talking to Narissa in a boiling pot and made three apples appear]
Pip in New York: Broop, broop, broop.
Pip in New York: [takes a piece of ice as if it were an apple. Imitates Nathaniel again] Giselle.
[imitates Giselle singing "True Love's Kiss"]
Prince Edward: Oh, I know this one.
Pip in New York: [as Nathaniel] Apple?
Pip in New York: No, thank you.
Pip in New York: It's good.
Pip in New York: Oh, okay.
[crunches on the ice and imitates death and then strikes a "tada" pose and waits for Edward's interpretation]
Prince Edward: You feel you'd die without me here.
[Prince Edward and Nancy are about to marry when Nancy's cell phone suddenly goes off]
Nancy Tremaine: Oops. I'm so sorry. Wow! You've got great reception here.
[talking about Giselle]
Sam: She has no driver's license, no passport, I can't even find this place she comes from.
Robert: What place?
Sam: Whatever. I've called every travel agent, every airline. I'm not sure if it's a country or a city.
Robert: It can't be a state.
[Both watch Giselle acting strangely]
Sam: More like a state of mind.
Sam: And she told me it's just beyond the meadows of joy and the valley of contentment. What is that all about?
Giselle: Is that the only word you know? "No?"
Robert: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, No!
Giselle: "No! No! No!" Over and over! When you keep saying "No!" it just makes me so... Sometimes you make me so!... angry.
[laughs really hard]
[Prince Edward rides on top of an MTA New York City Transit bus thinking it is a steel beast]
Prince Edward: You've met your match, you foul bellowing beast!
[He takes his sword and stabs it through the roof of the bus, the blade also ripping open an old lady's bag in the process]
Bus Driver: [stops the bus] Everybody stay on the bus.
Prince Edward: Giselle? My love?
Pip in New York: Giselle?
Prince Edward: Right. The steel beast is dead, peasants! I've set you all free!
Bus Driver: [gets off the bus and yells at Edward] Are you crazy? Nobody stabs my bus! I'll tear you apart! Do you hear me? You get down here RIGHT NOW!
Nathaniel: Madam, allow me...
Prince Edward: Nathaniel, old friend!
Nathaniel: Sire, may I suggest that you, uh...
Bus Driver: You? A friend a' his? Crazy tight-wearin'... Are you tryin' to mess up my route?
[Pip jumps onto her forehead, and mimics her]
Bus Driver: I'll tear you both apart! Don't you roll your eyes at me, you...
[Nathaniel points at Pip, causing the driver to look up]
Bus Driver: A RAT! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
[She goes berserk and tries to get Pip off of her]
Prince Edward: Well, strictly speaking, he's a chipmunk.
Nathaniel: Sire, may I suggest we seek elsewhere for your bride?
[after seeing Giselle being reawakened by true love's kiss]
Ballroom Lady #1: Wasn't that lovely?
Ballroom Lady #2: I agree. So much better than last year's show.
Queen Narissa: No! The most powerful thing in the world? Ha! I don't think so. You have no idea who you're dealing with. You want a show? I'll give you a show. Back up and get ready for the main event!
Robert: [tries to stop Nancy from leaving] What... what about taking Morgan to school, you know, for some grown-up girl bonding time?
Nancy Tremaine: What, so you can have some grown-up girl bonding time?
Nancy Tremaine: [glares pointedly at Giselle]
Nancy Tremaine: I don't think so.
[Prince Edward sits on a remote control and sees the TV turn on]
Prince Edward: It seems as if this box controls the Magic Mirror.
Giselle: Nobody has been very nice to me.
Robert: Yeah, well, welcome to New York.
Giselle: Thank you.
Robert: [off Giselle's look] What?
Giselle: This is a very nice place.
Giselle: And we're eating dinner.
Giselle: [happily] This is a date!
[happy then realizing his mistake]
Robert: No! No. No, no, no, no. We're just, um, we're just friends.
Giselle: I was just thinking.
Prince Edward: Think-ing?
Giselle: Before we leave, there's one thing I would love to do.
Prince Edward: Well, name it my love, and it is done.
Giselle: I want to go on a date.
Prince Edward: A date!
Prince Edward: What's a date?
Prince Edward: [holds sword in front of construction worker's neck, trying to find Giselle] I seek a beautiful girl. My life partner, my one coquette, the answer to my love's duet.
Arty: [stuttering] I-I'd like to find one of them too, you know?
Robert: [after Giselle has bitten the poisoned apple] Please, don't leave me.
Robert: [struggling to break free of her grasp] You're crazy!
Queen Narissa: No. Spiteful, vindictive, *very large*, but never crazy.
Giselle: Now if only I can find a place to rest my head for the night.
Robert Philip: What kind of place?
Giselle: I don't know. Maybe a nearby meadow or a hollow tree.
Robert Philip: A hollow tree?
Giselle: Or a house full of dwarves. I hear they're very hospitable.
Robert: So, what's the deal with this prince of yours? How long you been together?
Giselle: [wistfully] Oh, about a day.
Robert: You mean it feels like a day because you're so in love.
Giselle: No, it's been a day.
Robert: You're kidding me. A day? One day?
Giselle: And tomorrow it will be two days.
Robert: You're joking.
Giselle: No. I'm not.
Robert: Yeah, you are.
Giselle: But I'm not.
Robert: You're gonna marry somebody after a day? Because you fell in love with him?
Robert: [laughs as she drags him away]
Giselle: What about you? How long have you known your Nancy?
Robert: Uh, five years.
Giselle: And you haven't proposed?
Robert: Well, no, I...
Giselle: Well no wonder she's angry.
Robert: You know most normal people get to know each other before they get married. They date.
Robert: Yeah, you know. Date.
[Giselle shakes her head not understanding]
Robert: You go someplace special, like a restaurant, or a movie, or museum, or you just hang out and you talk.
Giselle: What do you talk about?
Robert: About each other. About yourself. About your interests, your likes your dislikes, you talk.
Giselle: Oh, you have such strange ideas about love.
Robert: Maybe we should just do what you do. You meet, you have lunch, and you get married.
Giselle: Oh, you forgot about happily ever after.
Robert: Forget about happily ever after, it doesn't exist.
Queen Narissa: [after being accused of poisoning Giselle] Why would I ever align myself with that buffoon? I mean, think about it. Why...?
Prince Edward: Silence! You lying, murderous wretch! When we return home, Andalasia shall know of your treachery. Your days as queen will be over!
Queen Narissa: Take my crown? Don't you think that's a bit melodramatic, dear?
Prince Edward: I don't know what "melodramatic" means, but you'll be removed from the throne, Narissa. I will see to it.
Robert: [regarding Morgan] I know she's shy. I know she doesn't have very many friends. I just want her to be strong, you know? To be able to face the world for what it is. That's why I don't encourage the fairy tales. I don't want to set her up to believe in this "dreams come true" nonsense.
Giselle: But dreams do come true. And maybe something wonderful will happen.
Robert: Yeah, well, I forgot who I was talking to.
Giselle: Well, I hope you don't forget. I like talking to you.
Nathaniel: [with an absurd French accent, setting down a glass of apple martini by Giselle] For the nice lady. From a secret admirer.
Robert: A secret admirer? How come people keep giving you free stuff?
Giselle: What is it?
Nathaniel: It's an apple martini, miss.
Giselle: Oh, apple mar... ooh! It looks yummy.
Robert: Yeah, be careful, it's poisonous.
[Nathaniel growls at him]
Giselle: You're joking.
Robert: No, they'll creep up on you, though. I'd be really careful.
Giselle: Well, I'll just have one sip.
Nathaniel: A sip is all it takes.
Nathaniel: [talking on the phone while in a taxi cab] No, uh... I've always treated her like a queen, but... lately I'm starting to feel there's this whole other side to her, like I... I don't even know her anymore.
Radio Therapist: [over the radio] I think you need to take her aside and find out how she really feels about you.
Queen Narissa: [peeks in through open taxi cab window] Hello, Worthless. Miss me?
Giselle: Goodness, we sure had a lot of excitement tonight. Were you scared?
Morgan Philip: A little bit, but do you think Pip will be ok?
Giselle: Oh, well, I wouldn't worry about Pip. He is very brave. I remember this one time, when the poor wolf was being chased by Little Red Riding Hood around his grandmother's house, and she had an axe... oh, and if Pip hadn't been walking by to help I don't know what would've happened!
Morgan Philip: I don't really remember that version.
Giselle: Well, that's because Red tells it a little differently.
Giselle: Is this a habit of yours? Falling off of stuff?
Robert: Only when you're there to catch me.
[Prince Edward knocks on a random door in Robert's apartment building, trying to find Giselle]
Pregnant Woman with Kids: [taking in Edward's "Prince Charming" getup] ... You're too late.
Prince Edward: [stricken] My apologies.
Giselle: [after leaving the shower] Good morning, Robert. I hope you had wonderful dreams.
Robert Philip: I think I'm still in one.
Giselle: Oh, it's you.
Prince Edward: Yes, it's me. And you are?
Prince Edward: Oh, Giselle! We shall be married in the morning!
[an angry midget runs under Giselle's dress]
Grumpy: Hey! Watch it, will ya?
Grumpy: Geez, lady! Are you for real?
Giselle: I-I think so.
Giselle: [singing] Well, does he take you out dancing / Just so he can hold you close?
Robert: [speaking] I don't dance!
Giselle: Dedicate a song / With words meant just for you? / Ooh ooh
Robert: [speaking] And I really don't sing.
Giselle: [after Robert knocks on the bathroom door] Hello?
Robert: Okay, you know what? You gotta go. Look, I don't know what your deal is, if you're waiting around for Prince Charming or you're just...?
Giselle: Prince Edward.
Robert: Whatever. Look, I'll get you to a bus, a train, a plane, a whatever, then, that's it. After that, I can't... I can't get involved after that.
[Giselle emerges from the bathroom in a bright blue dress]
Robert: Where did you get that?
Giselle: I made it. Do you like it?
[Robert notices dress-shaped holes in his curtains, and looks quite shocked]
Giselle: You're unhappy.
Robert: *You made a dress out of my curtains*?
Giselle: Oh, you are unhappy!
Phoebe Banks: Everybody has problems. Everybody has bad times. Do we sacrifice all the good times because of them?
Nancy Tremaine: [gushing happily] Usually you just send an email with those digital flowers. These are exquisite. Where do you find live doves in New York?
Robert: [after talking on the phone] It was Nancy. She's a lot like the woman in your book. Sweetie... I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Morgan Philip: What?
Robert: Ye, you like her, don't you? We all get along, we have a good time together.
Morgan Philip: Where's she going to live?
Robert: She's gonna live with us
Morgan Philip: Do I have to give up my bedroom?
Robert: No, you don't have to give up your bedroom. No. Come on, It's gonna be great. I promise. It's not like she's gonna try and be your mother.
Morgan Philip: You mean stepmother.
Robert: She's gonna be a nice stepmother. She's gonna take you to school tomorrow, just you and her, for some grown-up girl-bonding time.
Morgan Philip: I'm only six.
Robert: You won't always be.
Prince Edward: [singing] Yes, there's a maid somewhere I've never met/ Who was made...
Giselle: [smiles, realizes she wasn't paying attention to what he was singing]
Prince Edward: [prompting] ... who was made...
[pauses, and then prompts in a soprano]
Prince Edward: ... to finish...
Giselle: What's wrong?
Prince Edward: You're not singing.
Giselle: Oh. Oh, no I'm not. Well, I was just thinking.
Prince Edward: [perplexed] Think-ing...?
Morgan Philip: But I think she might be a real princess!
Robert Philip: Morgan honey, just because she has on a funny dress doesn't mean she's a princess. She's a seriously confused woman who's fallen into our laps.
May: [to Nancy] I think you're a hopeless romantic who's discovered that romance is hopeless.
Queen Narissa: We're coming to the end of our story now. Are you at the edge of your seat, Giselle? Just dying to know how it ends? How about this, and they all lived happily ever after? Well, at least I did.
Narrator: And so, they all lived happily ever after.
Clara: [about Prince Edward] He was on the bus this morning, he tried to kill me
Prince Edward: Fear not, Giselle! I will rescue you!
Pip in Andalasia: Yeah, but who's gonna rescue MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?
[greeting Robert at the King's and Queen's Ball]
Giselle: I'm surprised. You said you couldn't dance.
Robert: I said I didn't. I never said I couldn't.
Queen Narissa: Speciosus, formosus, praeclarus!
Giselle: [regarding Morgan and her mom] Does she miss her terribly?
Robert: Miss who?
Giselle: Her mother.
Robert: Um, well, we just...
Robert: We don't talk about it.
Giselle: Oh. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to pry.
Robert: No, no, no, it's okay. It's just, um... I don't talk about it. To Morgan or to anybody.
Giselle: Because it was very sad?
Robert: Not at first.
Giselle: You were in love.
Robert: Yeah. That was the problem.
Narrator: Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom known as Andalasia, there lived an evil queen. Selfish and cruel, she lived in fear that one day her stepson would marry and she would lose her throne forever. And so she did all in her power to prevent the prince from ever meeting the one special maiden with whom he would share true love's kiss.
Morgan Philip: [holding up two rats] What do I do with them?
Robert: Get them outside. Get rid of them. Get rid of them.
Morgan Philip: Put them back?
Robert: Put them outside! Don't put them back.