The Andy Milonakis Show (2005–2007)
Andy: Got peas on my head, but don't call me a pea head / Bees on my head, but don't call me a bee head / Bruce Lee's on my head, but don't call me a Lee head / Now please excuse me I gots to get my tree fed / You wear name brands and I make my own clothing/ I hang out with an apple who loves self loathing / I hate myself / Pancake on my face makes me extra happy / I like shampoo bottles that sit on my lappy / 'Cause it's my show you can't tell me what to do / When life hands me lemons, I make beef stew / So yo I gotta go it's time for me to rock it / I put balogna in my left pocket / Smear some cream cheese in my gold locket / 'Cause it's my show I'm Andy Milonakis / It's my show I'm Shmandy Smiloshmakis / It's my show, I'm Andy Milonakis.
Man: What the hell you looking at?
Andy: Are you at the end of every rainbow?
Andy: Wow. Rainbows suck.
Man: No shit.
Andy: Well... where's the pot of gold?
Man: I have some hard candy and Bengay.
Andy: Yay! Bengay! I love Bengay!
[rubs bengay on his shirt]
Andy: Oh! It hurts so good!
Man: You stupid bitch.
Andy: Help! My John Stamos is stuck in a tree!
John Stamos: Help! I'm stuck in a tree!
Andy: [after handing a smiley-faced balloon to an elderly person] It's always raining in my mind!
Andy: [pretends to cry]
Andy: [stops man in street and hands him a clipboard with his play on it] Want to audition for my play?
[reads it to himself, not aloud]
Andy: [five seconds of silence] That's good, a little more emotion though.
Andy: You won! You're the thousandth delivery man! You win a pizza.
Andy: Let's do a rap about pancakes. Both of us, we'll do it freestyle.
Ralphie: Cool. All right. Pancakes and Jello. Ello. Hemelo. Hello. What's her name Ello? You chillin' like you eatin' jello with pancakes and hello and syrup. Dyrup, dip up, dip up and dip it the hyrup.
Andy: Yo, yo, yo! Pancakes in my face, pancakes in my place. Pancakes in my area, cause mass hysteria. I don't care. Yo, I put pancakes in my hair and mix it with syrup. Yo, what rhymes with syrup?
Ralphie: Pancakes and hyrup.
Andy: This song was inspired by springtime. Larry is a jerk, he's an idiot jerk, he's a jerk idiot. Look how he dances like an idiot jerk like a jerk idiot. What's worse, an idiot jerk or a jerk idiot? Let's ask Larry since he's both of those things.
Andy: Congratulations, jerk idiot, you just danced like an idiot jerk.
Andy: [Andy holding a Slim Jim with a doll head on it]
Andy: Slim Jim dollie. Slim Jim dollie. Slim Jim dollie got a Slim Jim body.
Andy: [stops lady from walking, is holding balloons with happy faces on them] Do you know why I hate myself?
Andy: Neither do I, have a nice day, though.
[hands her balloon]
Snoop Dogg: Pancake face on the bitch. You know what I'm talking about?
Larry: [pretending to be Andy] Got peas on my head, but don't call me a pee head. Got peas on my head, but don't call me a pee head.
Andy: Shut the fuck up!
Larry: [pretending to be Andy] Got peas on my head, but don't call me a pee head...
Mexican man: Amigo! Be careful. Don't drink the water. Montezuma's revenge.
[Andy disregards his warning and drinks the water]
Mexican man: [laughs] Ackhahahahahahaha! Ackhahahahahahaha!
Andy: Satan Kitty says, "When no-one's looking, what reason do you have *not* to steal?"
Andy: Can you describe me in one word or less?
Old Lady on the Street: Creamy.
Larry: Oh, no, I'm gonna miss "Date My Mom!"
Andy: Wow! Your bike makes me want to crack my head open so all the angels can fly out!
Andy: I am Karate Lincoln, who created Karate like George Washington invented flapjacks! That's why they call him "Flapjack George", and that's why they call me Karate Lincoln!
Andy: [as Satan Kitty] Satan Kitty says: the more you lie, the better you get at it!
Andy: [as Jesus Kitty] Jesus Kitty says: let there be fish and bread for all the girls and boys!
[puts paw over fish and bread and they multiply]
Andy: [cat eats the fish]
Andy: Does pancake face like syrup? I don.t know. Why don't we ask him? Wait a minute! I'm pancake face and I love syrup.
Duck Caller: Pidgeon!
[pidgeon poops on Larry's head]
Larry: Yay, it's a blessing in disguise!