Miles: It's Christmas Eve and we are going to go celebrate being young and being alive
Amanda: You know Graham, I just broke up with someone and considering you just showed up and you're insanely good-looking and probably won't remember me anyway... I'm thinking we should have sex... If you want.
Graham: Is that a trick question?
Arthur Abbott: I like this Hugo Boss, he cuts a nice suit!
Iris: Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.
Miles: Exactly, and on top of that there's the old standby, I can't believe a girl like that would actually be with a guy like me.
Sophie: Daddy, she has more marshmallows than I do.
Graham: No she doesn't, you each have five.
Graham: You have five too.
Miles: Well, hello big dollop!
Miles: Iris, if you were a melody... I used only the good notes.
Iris: You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!
Arthur Abbott: You know what I've been asking myself all night?
Iris: What? Why I'm bothering you with all these questions?
Arthur Abbott: I'm wondering why a beautiful girl like you would go to a strangers' house for their Christmas Vacation, and on top of that spend Saturday night with an old cock-up like me.
Iris: Well, I just wanted to get away from all the people I see all the time!... Well, not all the people... one person. I wanted to get away from one... guy.
Iris: An ex-boyfriend who just got engaged and forgot to tell me.
Arthur Abbott: So, he's a schmuck.
Iris: As a matter of fact, he is... a huge schmuck. How did you know?
Arthur Abbott: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.
Iris: [to Jasper] I don't know, but I think what I've got is something slightly resembling... GUMPTION!
Olivia: We never have grownups here that are girls.
Sophie: I know.
Olivia: I really like it.
Sophie: Me too.
Iris: [Iris answers telephone] Hello?
Graham: So are you ever coming home?
Iris: Oh, my God, hi.
Graham: How's it going?
Iris: Great. I met a really nice guy.
Graham: See? And you said you'd never. What's he like?
Iris: He's really cute. I feel great when I'm with him, which is an entirely new experience. And he's about ninety years old.
Graham: Come on.
Iris: He's my next-door neighbor. Or Amanda's next-door neighbor. By the way you should pop over and meet her.
Graham: Yeah, I have, actually.
Iris: [Call waiting beeps] Oh, bugger. Call waiting. Can you hold for a sec? Hold on. I really wanna talk to you.
Iris: [Iris switches to other call] Hello?
Amanda: Iris, hi, it's Amanda.
Iris: How are you? How's it going?
Amanda: Everything's great. How are you?
Iris: Oh, I'm loving it. Listen, can you hold for a sec? My brother's on the other line.
Iris: Yes. He said you met.
Amanda: Yes, we did meet. How is he?
Iris: Fine, I think. Can you just hold on for a sec?
Iris: [Iris switches calls] Okay. Hi, sorry. That was Amanda.
Graham: How'd she sound? How's she doing?
Iris: She just asked me how you are.
Miles: [playing the keyboard and improv-singing with Iris] Oh my God, we both said 'fruitily'!
Graham: And what did you say?
Iris: I asked her to hold. Can I call you back?
Graham: I can hold while you speak to her.
Graham: Find out how she is.
[Iris switches call]
Iris: My brother wants to know how you are.
Amanda: Can you tell him I'm good and that I'm just taking Charlie for a walk in the village. Um, what's he been up to? Did he say?
Iris: I'm not sure. Do you want me to ask him?
Amanda: Uh, sure.
Iris: Okay. Hold please.
[Iris switches call again]
Iris: I can't believe that you have had sex with the woman staying in my house!
Amanda: [Gasps] He told you that?
Iris: Oh, my God!
Amanda: Oh, my God!
Iris: Oh, my God! I thought I was talking to Graham! Can you just hold, please? I'm terribly sorry.
[Iris switches calls again]
Iris: I can't believe you had sex with Amanda! The one thing she asked me was, 'Are there any men in your town?', and I assured her that there were not. And then you meet her and immediately get into her knickers!
Amanda: Still me.
Iris: Bollocks! I must have lost him. Amanda, I am so sorry.
[Call waiting beeps]
Iris: Can I call you back?
Iris: Okay, bye.
Miles: [Miles reaches over to grab something on the counter, his arm grazing Iris's chest] Okay, sorry about that. Boob graze.
[both Miles & Iris laughing]
Miles: That was accidental. Accidental boob graze. I'm sorry.
Iris: Changing subject.
Jasper: You know what I was thinking? When you get back to London, maybe we could sneak off somewhere together. Maybe Venice. You and me in Venice could be good.
Iris: Do you mean that? I mean, are you free to do that?
Jasper: Darling, I've just traveled halfway across the world to see you, haven't I?
Iris: [Iris & Jasper almost kiss before Iris pulls away] Yeah, that doesn't exactly answer my question. So, are you not with Sarah anymore? I mean, is that what you've come here to tell me?
Jasper: I wish you could just accept knowing how confused I am about all this.
Iris: Okay, let me translate that. So, you are still engaged to be married?
Jasper: Yes, but, I mean...
Iris: Oh, my God.
[Iris gets up from the couch]
Iris: This was a really close call. You know, I never really though I'd say this, literally never, but I think you were absolutely right about us. Very square peg, very round hole.
Jasper: You cannot mean that.
Iris: The great thing is I actually do. And I'm about three years late in telling you this, but nevertheless I need to say it. Jasper. Wait, I need the lights on. Jasper, you have never treated me right. Ever.
Jasper: Oh, babe.
Iris: Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living.
[Picks up Jasper's jacket, walking to the door]
Iris: And you're not going to be in it.
Iris: Now I've got somewhere really important to be, and you have got to get the hell out.
[Opens the door]
Jasper: What exactly has got into you?
Iris: I don't know.
[Pushes Jasper out the door]
Iris: But I think what I've got is something slightly resembling, gumption.
[Slams door shut in Jasper's face. Lifts hands up and screams with joy]
Olivia: You don't like tents?
Arthur Abbott: I've got something for you.
[picks up a corsage]
Iris: [touched] Oh.
Arthur Abbott: Forgive me. The last time I had a date, this this is what we did.
Iris: It's beautiful.
[kisses Arthur on the cheek]
Arthur Abbott: If it's corny, or if it's going to ruin your outfit, you don't have to wear it.
Iris: [Iris puts the corsage on her wrist] I like corny.
[takes Arthur's hands]
Iris: I'm looking for corny in my life.
Arthur Abbott: That's a nice line.
Iris: It's all those movies!
Arthur Abbott: Okay, let's do it. Let's get this embarassment over with.
Arthur Abbott: [Reaches stairs to stage, Miles's theme music comes on] I'll do it.
[Climbs up stairs, give Iris a thumbs up at the top]
Arthur Abbott: [Addressing the audience] Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I'm absolutely overwhelmed... that I could climb those stairs.
Arthur Abbott: I came to Hollywood over 60 years ago, and immediately fell in love with motion pictures. And it's a love affair that's lasted a lifetime. When I first arrived in Tinseltown, there were no cineplexes or multiplexes. No such thing as a Blockbuster or DVD. I was here before conglomerates owned the studios. Before pictures had special effects teams. And definitely before box office results were reported like baseball scores on the nightly news.
Miles: [to Iris] You're incredible! You're a prodigy! A doodle prodigy!
Graham: I have a cow and I sew. How's that for "hard to relate to"?
Iris: I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought.
Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.
Iris: [to Miles] Don't blow away.
Amanda: I need some peace and quiet... or whatever it is people go away for.
Graham: I have the classic male problem of no follow through. Absolutely never remember to call after a date - but as this wasn't a date, I guess I'm off the hook.
Miles: The wind... it's what makes it so warm this time of year. Legend has it, when the Santa Anas blow, anything can happen.
Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.
Graham: Long distance relationships can work, you know.
Amanda: Really? I can't make one work when I live in the same house with someone.
Arthur Abbott: Say a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and both go to the same men's pajama department. The man says to the salesman, "I just need bottoms," and the woman says, "I just need a top." They look at each other and that's the 'meet cute.'
Graham: I have a cow, and I sew. Now how's that for hard to relate to.
Amanda: I'm leaving in nine days and that makes this complicated.
[they then passionately kiss]
Iris: I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
Olivia: Mr. NAPKINHEAD!
Amanda: Sex makes everything more complicated. Even not having it, because the not having it... makes it complicated.
Graham: That's why it's better to have it... some say.
Miles: [holds up a copy of "The Graduate" on DVD] Uh oh... "Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio... "? I bet you didn't know, it was all written for the movie, it was a score, technically.
Dustin Hoffman: I can't believe this... I can't go anywhere.
Graham: I have another scenario for you - I'm in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I'm in love... with YOU. I'm not feeling this because you're leaving, and not because it feels good to feel this way... which, by the way, it does, or did before you went off like that. I can't figure out the mathematics of this, I just know I love you. I can't believe how many times I'm saying it! And I never thought I'd feel this way again, so that's pretty phenomenal. And I realize that I come as a package deal: 3 for the price of 1. I know my package, perhaps in the light of day, isn't all that wonderful, but I finally know what I want and that, in itself, is a miracle. And what I want is YOU.
Ethan: Look at me. I'm down here sweating like a pig. And look at you. You're the only woman on the face of the earth that breaks up with her boyfriend and doesn't even shed a tear. I mean, that's gotta mean something, right?
Amanda: Why does it bug you so much that I can't cry?
Amanda: Who is it?
Graham: It's me. Hurry up. It's freezing.
Amanda: Who are you?
Graham: Iris, open the door or I swear I'm gonna take a leak all over your front...
[Amanda quickly opens the door]
Graham: You're not Iris. Or if you are I'm much drunker than I realized. I'm sorry for my profanity. I wasn't expecting you.
Amanda: No, I wasn't expecting you either.
Amanda: I'm not going to fall in love with you, I promise.
Graham: Okay. Nicely put. Thank you.
Amanda: No, it's just that I know myself. I'm not sure I even fall in love. Not like the way other people do. How's that for something to admit?
Graham: Well, like I said, Most Interesting Girl Award.
Amanda: I'm gonna try to see that as a compliment.
Graham: You should. Absolutely.
Iris: Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years and she's never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.
Graham: Call me old fashioned but one doesn't have sex with women who are unconscious.
Graham: Well, I cry all the time.
Amanda: You do not.
Graham: Yeah I do. More than any woman you've ever met.
Amanda: You don't have to be this nice.
Graham: It happens to be the truth.
Graham: A good book, a great film, a birthday card, I weep.
Amanda: Shut up.
Graham: I'm a major weeper.
Miles: Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kiss you twice... and then linger a long time on the second kiss.
Graham: Please? Okay, I'll do it quickly.
[Olivia kisses him on cheek]
Graham: Oh, well, thank you for that.
Olivia: You're welcome.
Graham: I'm a full-time dad. I'm a working parent. I'm a mother and a father. I'm a guy who reads parenting books and cookbooks before I go to sleep. I spend my weekends buying tutus. I'm learning to sew. I'm Mr. Napkin Head!
Miles: Now let me ask you. Have you seen this?
Iris: Chariots of Fire. Loved it.
Miles: [doing an impression of the soundtrack] Such a great score by Vangelis. He took electronic scores to a new level. It was groundbreaking. I'm gonna test you on this later. Okay. Driving Miss Daisy. Hans. Very unexpected. Do you remember how great it was?
[doing impression of soundtrack]
Miles: Sassy! Love it. Is this a bad game?
Iris: Keep going.
Miles: Sometimes I get self-conscious about my...
[interrupts himself by singing Gone with the Wind soundtrack]
Miles: [singing] Are you embarrassed by this game I've started to play?
Miles: Okay. It's not a library. I can go loud.
Miles: BA-BAM! Two notes and you've got a villain. I don't know what to say about it. Totally brill.
[the graduate. Singing soundtrack]
Miles: I bet you didn't know that was all written for the movie. It was a score. Technically.
Iris: I did know that one.
Miles: Oh my God. Okay, this one? You have to check this out some time. The Mission. The score is genius. It just comes from a totally different place. It's like... I can't even... Just promise me you'll rent it and listen to it.
Miles: Thank you. It changed my world.
Miles: You with me, Simpkins?
Iris: Miles. You really are an incredibly decent man.
Miles: I know. It's always been my problem.
Amanda: So now I'm just gonna kiss you for the millionth time and say 'Be seeing you'.
[they kiss each other gently]
Amanda: Be seeing you.
Amanda: You know, I was just thinking why would I ever leave before New Year's Eve? That makes no sense at all. I mean, you didn't exactly ask me out... but you did say you loved me... so I'm thinking I've got a date. If you'll have me.
Graham: I have the girls New Year's Eve.
Amanda: Sounds perfect.
Olivia: You look just like my Barbie.
Amanda: [after finding out they didn't have sex] We didn't? Why not?
Graham: Call me old fashioned, but I don't believe it to be appropriate to have sex with a woman who is unconcious.
Iris: [in an email to Jasper] Jasper, we both know I need to fall out of love with you. Would be great if you would let me try.
Miles: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kiss you twice and then linger on the second one.
Iris: I'm looking for corny in my life.
[In fake trailer for "Deception"]
Lindsay Lohan: How do you have two guns?
James Franco: I didn't think one would be enough.
[after Amanda slams the door in his face]
Ethan: You didn't really wanna be a couple! You resist it in your own way. And it's hard to detect how you even do it, because nobody's quite as smart as you! So you're hard to catch at it. But it always surfaces and this is what happens.
[back inside the house, up on the balcony]
Amanda: What happened?
Ethan: Things end. Just like you knew they would!
Amanda: Okay, let's say we just make this happen. We each commit to flying back and forth as much as we can.
Graham: Yes! It's doable, definitely.
Amanda: And then let's say in 6 months we hit a wall. Like I can't constantly be away from work or the girls can't deal with you leaving so often. Then we start to feel the tension, we know this isn't going to work, so we start fighting because we don't know what else to do. And after a long, tearful- at your end...
Graham: I like it
Amanda: -phone call we say goodbye. And that'll be it, for real. It's not like we're ever going to bump into each other. And then what's left? Two miserable people feeling totally mashed up it hurts. Or...
Graham: Thank you.
Amanda: Or maybe we should just realize that what we've had these past few weeks has been perfect. And maybe it won't get any better than this. And maybe we're trying to figure this thing out because it makes us feel so good to feel this way, and maybe the fact that I'm leaving in 8 hours makes this far more exciting than it might actually be.
Graham: You're seriously the most depressing girl I have ever met.
Graham: I have another scenario for you.
Graham: I am in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I am in love. With you. And I'm not feeling this because you're leaving, and not because it feels good to feel this way- which by the way, it does, or did before you went off like that. I can't figure out the mathematics of this, I just know I love you. Can't believe how many times I'm saying it. I never thought I'd feel this way again, so that's pretty phenomenal. But I realize I come with a package deal- 3 for the price of 1. And my package perhaps in the light of day isn't all that wonderful, but I finally know what I want, and that in itself is a miracle. And what I want is you.
Amanda: I wasn't expecting 'I Love You'. Can you not look at me like that? I'm trying to find the right thing to say.
Graham: I think if the obvious response doesn't immediately come to you, uh, we can just, we should just talk about something else. Like possibly what a complete ass I am. I do recall you promising me you wouldn't fall in love with me. Must pay better attention.
Amanda: I've never met a guy who talks as much as me. But just for now, be quiet.
Iris: I like corny. I'm looking for corny in my life.
Iris: [reading aloud what she types to Amanda during live chat discussing home exchange] I'm Iris, by the way. I'm very normal, neat-freak, healthy, non-smoker, single...
[stops, fighting back tears; then adds to herself]
Iris: Hate my horrible life!
Amanda: I'm Amanda.
Amanda: Loner, loser and complicated wreck!
Amanda: I need to get out of town. You know, I think I need some peace and quiet... or whatever it is people go away for. You know what I really want to do? I want to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself. You know, I want to read a book! Not just a magazine, an actual book. For years I read this reviews, I buy the books but I never read them. Did you read that article in the New York Times last Sunday? Severe stress makes women age prematurely because stress causes the DNA in our cells to shrink until they can no longer replicate. So when we're stressed we look haggard. This is just women not men.
Amanda: And remember when they used to say that single women over the age of 35 were more likely to get killed by a terrorist than to get married? Okay, that was horrible but now our generation is also not getting married and, bonus!, real terrorists actually became part of our lives. So the stress of it all shows up on our faces making us look haggard!