Sid Waterman: I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older I converted to narcissism
Sid Waterman: I don't need to work out. My anxiety acts as aerobics.
Sid Waterman: I was in the lounge, I heard you drowning, I finished my tea and scones and came immediately!
Sondra Pransky: You are a cynical crapehanger who always see the glass half-empty!
Sid Waterman: No, you're wrong. I see the glass half full, but of poison.
Sid Waterman: I love you, really. With all due respect, you're a beautiful person. You're a credit to your race.
Sondra Pransky: I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to marry him someday.
Sid Waterman: You come from an orthodox family, would they accept a serial killer?
Sid Waterman: I'll show you a little trick now, and - and - and - I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I mean this sincerely, I say this with all due respect, you're a wonderful group, and a fantastic group of people, I love you, I - and I feel I'm coming back from you, you know, and - and you may be deceased but you should not be discouraged. Because, you know, uh, d-d-don't think of b-being dead as a handicap, you know what - when as I child I stuttered, but with stick-to-it-tiveness and perseverence, you know, you can never tell what can happen. Now I want you to take a card out, Alma, right, take any card you want, just pick...
Sid's Co-Passenger: Okay.
Sid Waterman: Pick it, fine, sweetheart, I love you sweetheart, it's fantastic.
Sondra Pransky: Look, I can't just go up to him and say, "Hi, how are you?" I mean, it would make him suspicious. So, you know - anything - he gets... put off or...
Sid Waterman: Drown!
Sondra Pransky: What?
Sid Waterman: Drown! Drown! I'll go get co-, I'll go get co...
Sondra Pransky: [shakes her head] Ach...
Sid Waterman: Listen to me! I'll go get coffee, you get a cramp. Go into the water, flounder around, you know...
Sondra Pransky: [sighs] Ahh...
Sid Waterman: Yes! Go ahead, sweetheart. That's, that's a great idea. He'll oblige to save you that way and if he doesn't, you know, then I'll notify your parents.
Sid Waterman: We need to put our heads together.
Sondra Pransky: If you put OUR heads together, you'll hear a hollow noise.
Sid Waterman: 16 blue ponies, 21 jetplanes, and 12 spinning midgets.
Sid Waterman: You're the daughter I never had.
Sondra Pransky: [touched] Oh, Sidney...
Sid Waterman: No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Cause I never wanted to have kids. I didn't because you have kids... what is it? You know you're nice to them... you bring them up... you suffer... y-you take care of them... and then they grow up and... and... and they accuse... uh... you of having Alzheimer's.
Sondra Pransky: Why don't you think about this as adding some excitement to your life?
Sid Waterman: Sweeheart, excitement in my life is dinner without heartburn after it.
Sondra Pransky: What are you going to tell the police? "The guy owns a deck of tarot cards... " that's not a crime!
Sondra Pransky: This guy is a serial killer! He could just kill at any moment!
Sid Waterman: Yeah, I heard that part. That's when I knew I was gonna make other plans.
Joe Strombel: This'll be the biggest story to hit London since Jack the Ripper.
Sondra Pransky: Jack the Ripper. Is that capitalized?
Sondra Pransky: How can we meet him?
Sid Waterman: You know, I don't know... They have a class system. He's an aristocrat and, you know, we're... we're commoners. In fact according to his system, we're... I think we're probably classified as scum.
Sid Waterman: You know not everything in the world is sinister... just practically everything.
Sid Waterman: This guy must be some lover if you're ready to drop the whole investigation! I must find out what breakfast cereal he eats...
Sondra Pransky: Dad, I need to talk to you. Right now.
Sid Waterman: Right now, sweetie? I was just about to pull some quarters out of Mrs. Quincy's nose!
Sid Waterman: You're alone up there with a very, very dangerous man! That's two "very's"!
Sondra Pransky: Do you have a family?
Sid Waterman: I had a wife but sh... she dumped me if you can believe that.
Sondra Pransky: Somehow...
Sid Waterman: She thought I was immature and that I never grew up... I had a great rebuttal for her, I coulda nailed her, you know, but uh... I raised my hand, she would *not* call on me.
Sid Waterman: You may be deceased, but you should not be discouraged.
Funeral Speaker: Don't mourn for Joe Strombel. Joe Strombel had a full life. A newspaper man in the best tradition. A great credit to the Fourth Estate. It didn't matter if the bombs of the war zone were falling, it didn't matter how high up the political scandal went, or how many big corporations or small time racketeers leaned on him. Whatever the risk, if there was a story there, Joe went after it. And he usually got it.
Sid Waterman: The man is a liar and a murderer, and I say that with all due respect.
Sid Waterman: This guy is a serial-killer like I play for the New York Jets.
Sondra Pransky: What are you putting in your metamucil?
Sid Waterman: Not everything in this world is sinister... just practically everything.
Sondra Pransky: Ugh... the Indian food made me sick.
Sid Waterman: What? You barely touched your cobra salad, how can you be sick?
Sid Waterman: Actually, I bought my first Reubens with my poker winnings.
Garden Party Guest: [stunned] You bought a Rubens painting?
Sid Waterman: Oh, oh, no. Not a painting. A sandwich.
Sid Waterman: Did you accomplish anything besides a possible pregnancy?
Sondra Pransky: I'll tell you what I did see: his mother, Lady Eleanor, has short-cut, brunette hair.
Sid Waterman: [stuttering] Yeah, but not a hooker?
Sondra Pransky: [shocked pause] No, Sidney, she's not a hooker! I hardly think so. She's practically royalty. Christ, you amaze me sometimes. Your brain!
Peter Lyman: What's wrong? Are you crying?
Sondra Pransky: No, I'm too tough to cry. My nasal passages do get congested when I'm sad, though.
Sondra Pransky: [Peter told them he'd be out of town but then they spotted him across the street] I just can't believe he lied to me!
Sid Waterman: Maybe he's just doing something he's ashamed of, like maybe he belongs to these clubs where he dresses up as a crossdresser, or maybe he does folk dancing!
Sondra Pransky: Why would Peter kill a prostitute?
Sid Waterman: Because it looks bad on his resume!
Sid Waterman: Geez, if I ever catch that Joe Strombel, I'll kill him.
Sondra Pransky: He asked me to go dancing with him.
Sid Waterman: That's perfect strategy. You worm your way in like a rodent or a roach, and as the crumbs fall off the table, you collect them and we analyze them.
Sondra Pransky: [Speaking of Strombel] Look, the spirit appeared next to me. at first I thought he was one of your stooges.
Sid Waterman: I don't work with stooges. You know, because you gotta pay them health benefits.
Joe Strombel: You have to get the story first, but first you have to get the story right!
Vivian: Who's Jade Spence?
Sondra Pransky: A would-be investigative reporter who has fallen in love with the object of her investigation.
Sid Waterman: You're a pretty girl. You know, I think you could probably get this guy to get interested in you.
Sondra Pransky: Oh, you're silly...
Sid Waterman: Yeah, particularly if he's got a twisted mind.
Sid Waterman: Oh yes, she can't swim. She sinks like a stone! It's a family trait, actually, lack of buoyancy. Her siblings suffer from it too.
Man: So what do you do, Mr. Spence?
Sid Waterman: Real estate.
[stutters, double take]
Sid Waterman: Uh, I mean, oil. I WAS in real estate, but now I'm in oil. I mean, now land is getting hard to come by... especially... outdoors.
Sondra Pransky: [to Sid] Stop telling people I sprang from your loins!
Sid Waterman: I don't know what you've been smoking, but don't try to bring it through customs.
Peter Lyman: I just can't get the vision of you in your swimsuit out of my head.
Sondra Pransky: Oh I'm glad you liked it! It was marked down!
Sid Waterman: They'll take us to the Tower of London and behead us!
Sid Waterman: What about Indian food, do you like spicy food?
Sondra Pransky: No, no, it's OK, I don't have that much of an appetite.
Sid Waterman: But you will, when they bring out the prawns in hydrochloric acid...
Sondra Pransky: I think it's time that we show my story to a real journalist.
Sid Waterman: What do you mean, a real journalist?
Sondra Pransky: One that's living.
Sid Waterman: Do we have time for a card trick?
Sid's Co-Passenger: Yes!
Sid's Co-Passenger: [stands] I believe we have eternity.
Sid Waterman: It's a red sweater. It's kind of a red, tomato red, like a fire engine. A red, a rouge...
Housekeeper: I understand, sir. Red.
Desk Clerk: Peter Lyman. Yes, came in a few minutes ago.
Sid Waterman: What color bathing suit does he have on?
Sondra Pransky: Hey, what...?
Sid Waterman: I - do you want me clash with him?
Peter Lyman: [about Sondra] It's just so ironic. Because the way I first met her, I rescued her from drowning in our club pool, and she was a very, very weak swimmer.
Sondra Pransky: Hello?
[Peter turns and stares as Sondra comes into the room]
Sondra Pransky: I was faking at the pool to get your attention. Actually, I used to be captain of the Brooklyn Community swim team.