Grandma's Boy (2006)
Dante: I'll smoke it with ya bro, we'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a fuck.
J.P.: [Upon leaning against a black wall in a black jacket]
J.P.: How could he see me?
J.P.: [Robot Voice to Alex walking away] I hate your face.
Alex: [pauses, turns around] Did you say something?
J.P.: [Hides behind coat]
Alex: You're fuckin' weird.
J.P.: ...How did he see me?
J.P.: All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.
Grace: I once gave Charlie Chaplin a handjob.
Jeff: Wow, was he silent?
Grace: Not after I got through with him.
Alex: Dude, your bed is a car...
Jeff: Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.
Jeff: This chick's pussy smelled like the great depression.
Alex: Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.
Dante: Whoa, I don't know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.
Alex: You're getting a lion?
Dante: To protect my shit.
Alex: Never heard of a dog?
Dante: Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion.
Alex: Yeah, that's true.
J.P.: Are you afraid of it?
Kane: No I just don't like techno.
J.P.: You would if you had robot ears.
Grace: [as Bea and Lilly are transfixed by the Food Network] Thanks, Alex. Maybe tomorrow you can introduce them to heroin.
Grandma Lilly: [after drinking pot tea] I can hear my... hair growing. You want some soup?
Dante: It's cool that I brought some friends from the Crazy Beaver?
[as a parade of bikers and such file into his grandma's house]
Alex: I wish you would have gone a little less on the crazy and little more on the beaver.
Dante: Relax bro, they're people just like you and me. Now hit this joint and have some fun.
Grandma Lilly: Oh listen, your father tells me that you need a place to stay.
Grandma Lilly: Just so you know, Sophie left us two weeks ago, so her room is available if you need it.
Alex: Oh? Where'd Sophie move to?
Grandma Lilly: Heaven.
Grandma Lilly: [ghostly voice] Ohhh... I died on the floor... and *nobody* helped me!
Alex: You have got to be fucking shitting me.
Grandma Lilly: Ohh it's so cold... when you're dead...
Alex: I swear to God, I would've helped you, Sophie. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I would've helped you. I just wasn't here...
Grandma Lilly: [jumps up] Gotcha!
Alex: Ahh! Oh my God!
Grandma Lilly: You scaredy cat!
Alex: What the hell are you doing, Grandma?
Grandma Lilly: I told you we were going to have fun!
Mr. Cheezle: I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea. And then I dove into the ocean... And I swam with the dolphins. I was two animals joined as one... which meant - good things are coming. Good things.
Dante: Wow... where do you get your weed?
Mr. Cheezle: From you, Dante.
Dante: Oh... THAT'S RIGHT! What's up, Mr. Cheezle!
Alex: My grandma drank all my pot.
Jeff: That's awesome.
Jeff: I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?
Jeff: Hey, Alex. Can we go back to your grandma's house? I gotta pee.
Alex: Why don't you just go to the alley and pee?
Jeff: I gotta pee out of my ass.
Alex: Well I guess we could go by.
Jeff: Does someone have a light? I found this weed.
Samantha: Oh, I do.
Jeff: [staring at the joint] I wanna smoke it.
Dante: Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.
Alex: Why is it called that?
Dante: Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!
Jeff: Uh, I don't wanna do that.
Barry: Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.
Dante: Dr. Shakalu brought my some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer.
Alex: You do know that lions eat deer, right?
Dante: Thats true kid. Doctor, we gotta be careful.
Jeff: Do you have bathrooms here or do I have to shit in a plant?
Jeff: Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to shit in a plant?
Shiloh: BAHAHAHA! Stupid FUCKING idiot! Red-shirted ASS! You guys think you're so fucking cool, it makes me sick! "Oh, let's go make fun of the vegans, and their crazy lifestyle!" We're not hurting anyone! Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!
J.P.: How do you two know each other?
Samantha: I woke him up here this morning. He fell asleep working late last night.
J.P.: Yeah. Well, that's what old people do. They fall asleep.
Alex: Wow J.P, that is a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?
J.P.: So funny I forgot to laugh. Ehehe.
Alex: Hey, Timmy, any chance I can crash on your couch tonight?
Timmy: Why? So you can jerk off on my mom?
Alex: Jeff's a fucking liar, Timmy!
Alex: Wow. That Grace sure makes me feel warm and welcome.
Grandma Lilly: Well, you'd be bitter too if you had four husbands die on you.
Alex: Probably suicides.
[Bea looks horrified]
Alex: It was a joke.
Samantha: Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and...
Samantha: Is he sleeping?
Jeff: Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.
Jeff: Wake up, dude.
Alex: [wakes up] No chores, Grandma!
Samantha: Nice rip, Alex.
Alex: Rip what?
Alex: So, ladies, I kind of need to use the televis...
Grace: Shh! Go read your Playgirl or something!
Jeff: Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.
Alex: You're an idiot.
Grace: Oh, you can stay as long as you like and love any man you choose!
Jeff: [imitating J.P] My name is J.P. I am a robot. I have a robot vagina.
Dante: [Phone rings] What is that ringing?
[Phone rings again]
Dante: Do I have a tumor?
Alex: [hangs up the phone] Dude... you have to give me a ride.
Dante: [after smoking] I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house.
Jeff: Grace... I have something to confess.
Grace: What's that?
Jeff: [pauses] You were my first.
Grace: Really? Oh, that's sweet. You were my...
Jeff: [Raises hand to give a high five] Word up.
Dante: [Answering the phone stoned] Hello?
Jeff: Dante is Alex there?
Dante: [hands the phone to Alex] The phone's for you. I think it's the Devil.
Dante: Looking back, the lion was a bad idea. That's why Dr. Shockla is gonna hook us up with a monkey. I'm gonna teach it taekwondo.
Barry: Yeah, karate monkey, yeah, that's probably safer.
Alex: Ever hear of a dog?
Dante: Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion.
Dante: That is pure fucking insanity.
Alex: Yeah, I know. He got addicted to hookers.
Dante: No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong, kid. Ever.
Shiloh: You guys think you're so fucking cool, it makes me sick! "Let's go make fun of the vegans and their crazy lifestyle!" We're not hurting anyone! Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!
Jeff: Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But sleeping with your Grandma and her two roommates... that's LEGENDARY.
Alex: I don't know what you are but I'm going to fuckin' eat you too!
Alex: Oh, yes! Finally a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast, I don't know what you are but I'm gonna fucking eat you too.
Alex: Of course she doesn't have a microwave she's fucking a hundred.
Jeff: What's up Douche Bigalow?
Alex: Hey Speed Racer. What'd you do, valet your bed?
Jeff: No, but I'll self park it in your asshole.
Alex: Dude, why don't you pick up your phone? I've been calling for the past half hour!
Dante: Sorry bro, I was putting up my Christmas tree!
Alex: Dude? It's the middle of July.
Dante: Get the fuck outta here! It is?
Alex: Dude? Why are you naked?
Dante: Ooohhh shit! I am naked! Come in.
Alex: Your ass is tanner than my face.
Dante: It's not tan, kid, it's bronzed.
Jeff: Hi I'm Jeff... I have a bush too. It's not grey.
Alex: My bush isn't really grey.
Jeff: Well, not according to my mom.
Alex: [under his breath] I thought I told you to quit talking about that.
Jeff: [frustrated] People keep asking me about it.
Dante: Whoa, chill bro... You know you can't raise your voice like that when the lion's here.
Barry: Hey Dante- My girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night...
Dante: No shit? And by "Girlfriend" do you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick everynight?
Barry: [laughing hysterically] ... yes...
[Starts to cry]
Jeff: So Barry sucked on his first boobie last night.
Barry: [Gleaming with pride] For 13 hours.
Bobby, Co-Worker #1: Challenge.
Jeff: Not now Bobby, Alex's not taking challenges right now. Can't you see he's sleeping?
Bobby, Co-Worker #1: No, I challenge you Jeff.
Jeff: To what game?
Bobby, Co-Worker #1: A little Dance Dance Revolution.
Jeff: That's great Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution so... you're dumb.
DDR Machine: [Jeff has just won a DDR Challenge] A NEW HIGH SCORE!
Jeff: [to Bobby, the defeated co-worker] What does "high score" mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?
Jeff: Crap that's Alex's intercom.
[answers Alex's intercom and impersonates him]
Receptionist: Delivery at the front desk for you, Alex.
Jeff: Cool! I hope it's a naked dude with a boner!
Kane: [in reference to Alex] He gives me a reason to live... him and those stank-ass hos.
Alex: [screaming in pain after taking hot tray out of the oven with no gloves on] Cocksucking fuck!
Alex: You know, I think I forgot something.
Alex: [Alex pretends to look around for something] This!
[and then kicks Barry in the shin]
Barry: Oh my God. Are you serious? I think he fucking shattered it.
Samantha: Do you always sleep here, Alex?
Alex: No... uh... I was working late... I love work... I love life.
Alex: [as Alex turns around and Jeff's mom screams bloody murder] Oh, oh my god! I'm sorry! I can't stop coming, I'm sorry! It feels so good!
Jeff: What's up, shitlips.
Alex: Hey, I need a huge favor.
Jeff: You're not jerking off on my dad.
Alex: Funny. No, I was wondering if you could do some of my levels.
Jeff: No, why can't you do them?
Alex: It's my roommates. They won't stop watching... porn. I can't get any work done.
Jeff: You're dead to me. Over.
[hangs up phone]
Alex: Well, Jeff's a good friend.
Grace: So how much time do we have?
Jeff: Oh, at least enough time to 69.
Jeff: Come in. Hurry up.
Alex: Are you sure this is OK?
Jeff: Yeah, it's totally cool. Just keep your voice down - my roommates are sleeping.
Alex: You mean your parents?
Jeff: Yeah, same thing.
Alex: ...Nice jammies.
Jeff: Thanks! They're a present from my roommates.
Alex: That's cool.
Grandma Lilly: Grace you remember my grandson Alex - our new "roommate."
Grace: How long you stayin'?
Alex: Um, just until I find a new apartment.
Grace: Have a girlfriend?
Grace: How old are you now?
Alex: I'll be 36 in October.
Grace: My grandson's gay, too. I'll give you his number.
Alex: I'm not gay, but, thank you?
Jeff: Yeah, my roomates were talking about getting me a CB so I could talk to other car beds.
Alex: Where is your monkey?
Dante: He's upstairs putting his nun-chucks away.
[Dr. Shakalu has just farted]
Alex: We're not in the jungle any more, Doctor.
Dr. Shakalu: [inhaling] My beef strong!
Dante: [backing away] Your beef wrong!
Alex: And to you, Doctor... clk clk cluk clak!
Dr. Shakalu: [looks very offended]
Alex: Oh. Sorry.
Alex: [Masturbating to a Tomb Raider barbie doll] Come on Lara. My cock is lost in the jungle and it's up to you to find it. Oh Lara you dirty dirty adventurer. Let's see what's under you skirt. Lara, no panties? You know I like that.
Alex: You remember Lara?
Jeff: Yes I do, and she already has a cold sore. What a surprise.
Jeff: You're the reason Alex has been tired all week?
Grace: Well, we have been sort of rough on him. But, he is kind of soft if you know what I mean.
Grandma Lilly: We're not used to having a man in the house, so I guess we ride him pretty hard.
Barry: Ohh, that is so gnarly.
[Alex sees that his bong has become a flower vase]
Alex: Where did you get this vase?
Grandma Lilly: Oh, I found it in your laundry when I was cleaning up. It smelled awful, so I cleaned it. Doesn't it look nice?
Jeff: That was a good idea.
Kane: No it wasn't. I'm a piece of shit. I suck.
Jeff: Relax, Kane. You're not a piece of shit.
Grandma Lilly: Once you got to high school, you just seemed to lose focus. It was probably just puberty.
Alex: [making joint smoking gesture behind her] Yeah, I'm sure it was puberty.
Alex: [Sees her pill collection] That's quite a buffet you have there.
Bea: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bea: [singing] At the drive-in, in the old man's Ford, behind the bushes, till I'm screamin' for more. Woo!
Alex: Hey, uh, Sophie didn't die on the bed, did she?
Grandma Lilly: No.
Alex: Good, good, good.
Grandma Lilly: She fell out of bed and died right here.
Josh: I loved them so much...
Alex: You loved who?
Josh: The Girls of Madam Camae's Filipino Palace...
Alex: You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?
Josh: They're not hookers, they're massage therapists.
Mover #2: Yeah, they'll massage your cock for money.
Mover #1: There is a word for that... I think it's hooker!
Josh: You're a hooker!
[movers throw their stuff down and stare at Josh]
Alex: Whoa guys.
Yuri: Alex I make you special deal, I'll give you five minutes to grab all the shit you don't want thrown out, but if you take one extra minute, my friends will take your testicles and remove them, through your anus!