Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Now listen up!
Boy on School Bus: Shut up, old lady!
[Madea jumps to him and continually slaps him]
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [Balls up her fist] I'll be waiting for you at three o'clock!
[Points at him]
Judge Ephriam: You're her foster mother or you're a prison mother.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I'll take prison for 200, Alex.
Judge Ephriam: Bryan, does she watch your kids?
Brian Simmons: Oh, she's actually really good, she's a big diciplinarian though, but uh... they have a lot of respect for her.
Judge Ephriam: Really?
[Looks over at Nikki]
Judge Ephriam: Stand up Nikki.
[Nikki stands up]
Judge Ephriam: Mable Simmons, since you can't seem to act like you have any sense except when you're caring for somebody, meet Nikki Grady. You're her new foster mother.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: The hell I am! I dont - huh! - hell naw! It's a reason why god put a woman through menopause, I'm past 60... you know what that means? After that time you're not supposed to be bogged with no kids. I'm sorry, I will kill that lil girl... I don't know her...
Nikki: So, You ugly anyway, old lady!
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: She tryna get me the electric chair already.
Judge Ephriam: Either you're her foster mother or you're a prison mother.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I'll take the prison for 200, Alex. Lock me up, hell, I'd rather be in Martha Stewart's old cell fightin' for my *virginity* than to be sittin' there dealin' with this.
Brian Simmons: She'll be a great foster mother, your honor.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I told you, you don't know how to lie. What kinda lawyer don't know how to lie? Lie and lawyer go together lie-awyer... lie-awyer!
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: You know I only go to church for two reasons, weddings and funerals, which one we gonna have today?
Myrtle: Family reunions are about uniting the family, bringing together the young and old. Singing and dancing and thanking God, giving him the glory. Thanking him for getting us over. As we marched up the road this afternoon, what we saw were young men gambling, fighting, cussing. Women with no clothes on gyrating all over on this land. Do you see this shack. The man and woman we were born here gave birth to this generation. They were slaves. They worked this ground, but they bought it from the widow of the slave owner and that's the kind of blood we have running though our veins. That's the stock we are made of. What happened to us. What happened to us. Who are you. Do you know who you are. What happened to the pride and the dignity and the love and respect that we had for one another. Where did it go. And how, How do we get it back. I'ma tell you. Young Black men, take your place. We need you. Your sons and daughters need you. Did you understand what I just said. You were sold off and had no choice, yes but now it's time to stay. Take your place. Now. Starting now. Starting now. Young black women, you are more than your thighs and your hips. You are beautiful, strong, powerful. I want more from you. Take your place. I want every single one of you, young man, young woman, turn to the next person standing alongside of you. Grab them and hug them and tell them that you love 'em. Tell them, 'If you need anything, come to me.' 'If you need somebody to talk to, come to me.' 'I'll give you the shoulder, I'll give you the hug. I'll feed you, I'll clothe you if you need it. That's how you start from this moment. When you leave this reunion today, you take that with you.
Ruby: Take me outside, I want to see my family.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Aunt Ruby's 96 years old, she needs to see her family.
Vanessa: [to Lisa] You were too young to remember, but your father was going to leave us. I was sitting on the bottom of the stairs one day and I heard them arguing, then I heard her
Vanessa: say 'allright, I'll do it, I'll do it', then she came in and saw me and she put me in the bathtub. Then she fixed my hair and she said 'just relax', then she put makeup on me, and perfume... and then she let him rape me!
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [Madea his Nikki with a belt] Why wasn't you at school today?
Nikki: I went to the park.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Why'd you go to the park? You need to be going to schoolhouse.
Nikki: I'm not smart.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Who told you that?
Nikki: My last foster mother, she said that the only thing I'd ever be smart enough to do is lay on my back.
Joe: Is her name Jennifer? I know Jennifer, that's what she does all the time.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Shut up Joe,
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: the best revenge you can get on a person who tells you something like that, is to prove them wrong.
Joe: Best way to get revenge on someone like that is to kick their butt.
Lisa: I am not getting married today, I have been beaten every day since I got engaged, and I have made excuses for him over, and over, and over again. But it's time for me to live for Lisa.
Victoria: My mother was a real whore and a junkie, and she traded me for $10 and a fix.
Joe: [watching Good Times, Penny's mother's about to take her hot iron to Penny's arm] Just ain't right, she's gonna burn that poor child. Lord have mercy, what makes people so mean?
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: What do you want to be?
Nikki: I want to be a lawyer.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: That's good, I might need you to get me off, after I kill him, Murder One.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [to Nikki about Joe] Go help that thing find its shoes so we can get out of here.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [advice to Vanessa and Lisa about what to do with a bad man] Cook a big pot of grits, bring him into the kitchen, then toss the grits on him. Then after you toss them, swat him with a frying pan. You gotta get you a good balanced weight, toss and swat, toss and swat, Venus and Serena, that's called grit ball.
May: Love is many things. It's varied. One thing it is not and can never be is unsure.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Joe. Did that thing just push you?
Joe: Sho did. She don't know about us. We Baptist. We tear this place up.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Girl, I will set it off up in here. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!
Milay Jenay Lori: I'm tired of dealing with black people. Always late. And ig'nant.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug. I shot Tupac. Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. No, that wasn't me.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Joe, did that thing just push you?
Joe: Sho' did. She don't know about us, we Baptist. We tear this place up.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Girl, I will set it off up in here! I will do a drive-by in this church... she don't know me! You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!
Milay Jenay Lori: I'm tired of dealing with black people. Always late. And ignorant...
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: ...She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug... I shot Tupac! Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. That wasn't me.
Joe: I was hoping they would lock you the hell up.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: The only thing locked up around here is your bowels. Now shut the hell up.
Joe: We don't want it. Return to sender
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I remember I sent you somewere too and you came back with something. It still itching?
Joe: Yo' momma. Aw hell that's my momma too
Vanessa: [with Lisa] A friend of ours is being beaten by her husband and we want to know what we should do.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Before or after his funeral?
Victoria: [to Vanessa] There are many things in my life that I regret, including having you for a daughter, because that man was your father. But I will *not* apologize for the decisions I made.
Lisa: He hits me.
Victoria: Well, you must stop doing what you're doing to make him angry.
Victoria: Women sometimes have to deal with things to be comfortable.
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Look girl I'm done told you already to stop poppin' that gum!
Nikki: Look! If you touch me, I'm gonna call 911!
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: My daughter tried that. I hit her so hard she dialed 919!
[turns around and starts hitting Nikki]
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: . Put that seatbelt on! You better put that seat belt on right now!
[turns back around with hair and glasses messed up]