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Black Christmas (2006) Poster

Quotes

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Didn't I see Clair earlier?

Kelli Presely: Isn't she upstairs writing a card to her sister?

Melissa Kitt: No, I think her sister picked her up earlier. Remember, this is the occasion for Clair and her sister and her mom to bury the hatchet and rediscover each other.

Dana Mathis: I'd like to bury the hatchet with my sister... right in her head.

Lauren Hanon: Christmas is more about warding off evil spirits than Halloween. What Christmas shit in this room resembles anything Christian, huh? It's all neo-pagan magic. Christmas tree, a magical rite ensuring the return of the crops. The mistletoe is nothing but a conception charm. Fifth century Christians jacked a Roman Winter Festival - twelve days in December when the nights were long and the Earth was ruled by the demons of chaos. And fucking Santa Claus? This fat voyeur that watches you all year long to make sure you live up to his standards of decency before breaking into your house. And that is different from what Billy did, how?

Melissa Kitt: I'm sorry, but that-that fuckin' voice, that was not Megan or Kyle. That was the fucking devil, and he was not talking to us, he was talking to Billy.

Billy Lenz: [Over the phone] She's my family now!

Dana Mathis: Are you high? It's freezing out there!

[Melissa is taking care of drunk Lauren, who is hugging the toilet]

Lauren Hanon: You know, you're a better sister to me than my own sister.

Melissa Kitt: Yeah, and Dick Cheney is a better sister to you than your sister.

Lauren Hanon: You know what I mean.

[Melissa begins shaking vomit off of her hand]

Melissa Kitt: Yeah, I know, eww, I love you too, but honey, you're really, really smelly. You need to take a shower, can you handle it?

[Mrs. Lenz walks into the kitchen to make Agnes some Christmas cookies. Before starting, she turns on the stove and lights up a cigarette. Right after she lit the cigarette, the phone rang]

Mrs. Lenz: [answers the phone] Hello? Merry Christmas.

Mrs. Lenz: [There's no answer so she repeats] Merry Christmas.

Mrs. Lenz: [Again no answer] Hey! Merry Christmas!

Billy Lenz: She's my family now.

[Billy and his dad were sitting infront of the Christmas tree setting out cookies and milk for Santa Claus]

Mrs. Lenz: Santa's not coming for you. He was shot down by the Russians.

[Billy turns around giving his mother a nasty look while his father begins to whisper in his ear]

Mrs. Lenz: [whispering] Don't listen to her, Billy. There's a surprise upstairs waiting for you in your room. Go on up there.

[Billy quickly jumps up and runs up the stairs to his bedroom]

Mrs. Lenz: [hands her gift] Merry Christmas, Agnes.

Agnes - Age 8: [loud noises come from upstairs] Is that Santa's reindeer?

Mrs. Lenz: There's nothing up there. Now, do you want a Christmas cookie? You're my cookie, and I could gobble you up!

Dana Mathis: I'd like to bury the hatchet with my sister. Right in her head!

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Leigh Colvin: Fuck you, Santa Clause!

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Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Who hasn't gotten a gift yet? Oh, Lauren.

Dana Mathis: Just give her a shot of tequila, and wish her happy holidays.

[Dana hands Lauren a drink, who is already obviously drunk]

Melissa Kitt: Happy Holidays!

[Lauren downs the shot of tequila, then takes a drink of her wine]

Melissa Kitt: Okay, I know this is supposed to be the whole "Secret Santa" thing, but, I know that Clair drew your name.

Lauren Hanon: Oh, yeah, she get me anything good?

Melissa Kitt: Oh yeah... it's a music box. It plays "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies".

Lauren Hanon: Oh, fuck no. I'm already startin' to see the Sugar Plum Fairies, I don't need to hear the little fuckers too!

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Language, language!

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[Ms. Mac pulls out an ice scrapper in the snow covered car]

Heather: What is that thing?

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Heather Lee: I'm really not okay with any of this. I mean, buying a Christmas present for a serial killer?

Melissa Kitt: No. You see, serial killers murder repeatedly for sexual thrill. Billy Lenz was a spree killer - dude just fucking lost it.

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Ms. Barbara MacHenry: [Searching for Billy's present under the christmas tree] Billy! Billy! Girls, I can't find Billy's present under the tree here. Come on, girls, we can't start the secret santa without Billy's present! Hello? Who drew Billy's name?

Melissa Kitt: Um, Ms. Mac, it's a secret santa.

Dana Mathis: [Doing her nails] Can we just get on with this thing? So I can party for a few days before having to deal with the family on Christmas.

Melissa Kitt: Have you looked outside? It's raining hail the size of Yao's ballsack!

Dana Mathis: It'll stop. The party gods wouldn't allow me to be here alone during Christmas break.

Kelli Presely: Oh, I'll be here, Dana.

[Disapointed]

Kelli Presely: Yeah, they're makin' me work next week.

Melissa Kitt: That sucks, everyone should be home for Christmas.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: All right, all right, who's not here?

Kelli Presely: Um, like everybody.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Chelsea?

Kelli Presely: She went home this morning.

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Melissa Kitt: Have you looked outside? It's raining hail the size of Yao's ball sack.

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Dana Mathis: Eve, you crazy bitch, I can see your breath.

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Agnes: Everyone will be home for Christmas

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[phone begins ringing, and everyone goes silent and looks at each other]

Melissa Kitt: I got it.

[caller identification reads Megan Helms]

Melissa Kitt: Why is Megan calling here?

[answers the phone]

Melissa Kitt: Hey, where are you?

Billy Lenz: [again, in a muffled and maniacal voice] She's my family now. Everyone should be home for Christmas! I'll be home for Christmas, and I'm going to bury the hatchet in your head.

[Melissa quickly hangs up]

Melissa Kitt: That was not Megan...

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Melissa Kitt: That sucks, everyone should be home for Christmas.

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Kelli Presely: They're not your family... and your brother's not here

Agnes: No... MY DADDY IS!

[Her brother *and* father bursts through the floorboards behind them]

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Agnes: [Indicating to all the corpses in the attic] They're my family now.

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Dana Mathis: [opens door under crawlspace to investigate] Eve, you crazy bitch, I can see your breath.

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[fiddling with the electric box, trying to get the power back on]

Dana Mathis: Oh shit. The main breaker is underneath the house.

[Leigh looks at her]

Dana Mathis: What? I'm not the totally helpless daddy's girl these bitches make me out to be.

Leigh Colvin: Okay, then go outside and turn the power on.

Dana Mathis: Are you high? I'm not going outside, it's freezing!

Leigh Colvin: It'll take two seconds, you know where the power is, I'll keep looking for Clair

Dana Mathis: Ugh, fine.

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Dana Mathis: Oh shit, the main breaker's underneath the house. What? I'm not the totally helpless daddy's girl these bitches make me out to be!

Leigh Colvin: OK, Then go outside and turn the power on.

Dana Mathis: Are you high? I'm not going outside, it's freezing!

Leigh Colvin: It'll take two seconds, you know where the power is and I'll keep looking for Clair.

Dana Mathis: Oh fine!

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Kelli Presely: [shouting at Megan's door sarcastically] If you dont come downstairs, I'm taking your presents!

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Lauren Hanon: [to Kelli] I realize you're an only child, so let me explain: Christmas is just Darwin, the weak get eaten.

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Ms. Barbara MacHenry: [after finding out Leigh was a legacy] You're a legacy? What year?

Leigh Colvin: Ninety-two... Ninety three... I don't know, I started late, I quit early...

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Nineteen-ninety three... I became housemother here; I don't remember you.

Leigh Colvin: ...I mean, this was supposed to be such a big fucking weekend, excuse my language, but I drove all the way up here in this shitty, shitty weather, after blowing off a weekend with a cardiologist and...

Dana Mathis: [interrupts Leigh] I love your coat.

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Heather: [Mrs. Mac pulls out an ice scraper] What is that?

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: ...You're kidding me, right?

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Hospital Santa: [Noticing a padlock on Billy's cell door] A Padlock?

Security Guard J.Bailey: His mom used one when she kept him in the attic... it helps him feel at home, especially at Christmas, every year around this time he tries to escape

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Kelli Presely: [phone rings] Alpha Kappa... hello? Hello, hello? Very funny, Kyle.

Kelli Presely: I think someone's in trouble.

[turns receiver onto speaker phone]

Billy Lenz: [on the telephone, in a muffled, maniacal voice] Where is Agnes? Billy! What your mother and I must know is where is Agnes? Merry Christmas, Agnes. You are in my house, I can see you. Everyone should be home for Christmas! Santa Claus is dead.

Lauren Hanon: Hey, shouldn't you get goin', don't you have lots of toys to deliver to good little boys and girls?

Billy Lenz: I'm gonna kill you.

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Melissa Kitt: Happy Holidays!

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[from trailer]

Dana Mathis: Can't we just get on with this thing?

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: We have to open Billy's present first!

Heather: I'm really not okay with this. Buying a present for a serial killer?

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Billy lived here.

[all but Heather laugh]

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Kyle: [walking out of the house] Fuck you bitches.

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Dana Mathis: Merry Christmas asshole.

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[after receiving a disturbing anonymous phone call]

Lauren Hanon: What do you know about dealing with anyone but your Nascar daddy?

Heather: I'm goin' home.

Lauren Hanon: Go on, run home to daddy!

Heather: At least my family wants me home.

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Heather: Call the police!

Lauren Hanon: Please. The police are gonna do shit about one wack job phone call.

Dana Mathis: Just dial *69.

Melissa Kitt: That just calls him back unless there's something you need him to clarify.

Melissa Kitt: [checks caller ID; the phone reads Clark Crosby] Caller ID says Clair's cell.

Heather: [looking at Lauren] You really shouldn't provoke someone like that.

Lauren Hanon: What would you know about dealing with anyone other than your nascar daddy?

Heather: I'm goin' home.

Lauren Hanon: [Heather walks through Melissa and Lauren, bumping Lauren's shoulder] Yeah, yeah. Run to daddy!

Heather: [turns around] At least my family wants me to come home.

Kelli Presely: You guys. Come on. It's like, Christmas time.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Yeah. Come on, Heather. What about your present?

Heather: [turns, continues walking] Give it to Billy.

Heather: [turns back around and Eve appears in front of her; she gasps]

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[Leigh walks around the living room looking at the presents by the Christmas tree]

Leigh Colvin: I see you're still buying presents for Billy.

[She pauses and looks closely at a present wrapped up in newspaper]

Leigh Colvin: I see you're doing something different this year. Instead of getting a persent for Billy, you're getting a present from Billy.

Ms. Barbara MacHenry: That wasn't there before.

[They open the present. It was an eyeless baby doll]

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Megan Helms: Fuck Christmas. Just fuck it.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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