Bromwell High (2005– )
Natella: I have to tell the headmaster that Aisha broke the swing. It's the right thing to do.
Latrina: And because you're doing the right thing, when Aisha kills you, you'll go straight to Heaven.
Natella: Latrina, I'm a Hindu.
Keisha: [Keisha is being interrogated by the police] I told you, you got the wrong bitch! I'm J-Lo.
Prosecutor: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Mr. Bibby: [hand on Bible] I do.
Prosecutor: Is your name Roger Bibby?
Mr. Bibby: No.
[Bible bursts into flames]
Mr. Bibby: That means nothing.
Natella: I guess it's like Alcohol. Just one more drink, then one more, then one more, then one more, until you spiral out of control in an orgy of self destruction!
Latrina: Like me that time!
Headmaster Iqbal: Bloody Shitcakes!
Student: [about division] I still don't understand.
Martin: Well, then, you're just a fucking idiot, then, aren't you? I've done pie, I've done orange, what more do you want?
Martin: [Martin has just sold his novel, thus quitting his teaching job] Hee hee! You will never use anything I've taught you! And you're all idiots! Especially Keisha!
Keisha: [smug] He chose me.
Keisha: I's tolerant! I's tolerant like a motherfucker!
Martin: Carol, that fireman says you shagged him!
Carol: Which one?
Martin: That one!
[points to a fireman]
Carol: Oh, no, I didn't shag that one.
Martin: Ha ha. Unlucky!
Martin: I'm not fly.
Carol: You're not fly!
Martin: I'm a math teacher.
Carol: You're a math teacher.
Martin: And that's plenty cool enough.
Carol: You're a math teacher.
Iqbal: [after getting cable television] I have seen the future, and it is porn, sharks and Nazis!
Mr. Bibby: Excellent. That rather plays to my strengths.
Carol: [after Iqbal gets a big bag of money] Please tell me you will be spending that money on books.
Iqbal: If by books you mean wind surfing lessons, then yes!
Iqbal: [talking about cutbacks] From now on you will be drinking your own urine... in fact, you will be drinking my urine from now on!
Miss Hutchinson: Well, sex education is very important.
Iqbal: Not to me. I just stick it in.
Keisha: So today's the day...
Natella: Yep, D-Day.
Keisha: Yep, Thursday.
Keisha: Yep, Wednesday.
Natella: No, it's Friday, Keisha.
Keisha: Or is it D-Day?
Natella: Yes, but that's...
Keisha: You think you know so much about the days of the week!
Natella: [after playing her sitar and Gavin breaks it on stage] Well, what do you think? Give me your honest opinion.
Keisha: You were shit, shittier than shit. You were so shit it made me wanna block out my ears of shit and eat some shit, and then do a shit.
Natella: Right... Lartina?
Natella: Well, obviously I can't expect you to appreciate the subtleties of Indian classical music. For my talents to be truly appreciated, I require a more sophisticated audience.
Keisha: I agree, if sophisticated means deaf.
Dave Anderson: [after getting a record deal] Mornin', Martin.
Martin: I'm not jealous.
Dave Anderson: ?of what?
Martin: Nothing. Fuck!
Dave Anderson: What'd you mean fuck?
Martin: I love teaching. I don't want to be a millionaire.
[begins to cry]
Gavin: [writing a letter] Dear Archbishop, my robot Jesus is just like the real Jesus, except he's a robot.
[Keisha has been speaking in riddles]
Latrina: What class do we have next?
Keisha: Across the channel lies a land / Whose words we cannot understand
Latrina: Ah, French.
Keisha: Double Chemistry.
Keisha: Why is I have to study English? I speaks the bitch!
Headmaster Iqbal: [interviewing disabled teachers, Iqbal commandeers a wheelchair] I am a Dalek! Exterminaaaate!
[Iqbal is sobbing in the cloakroom]
Mr. Bibby: Why Headmaster, you're crying. I daresay, you're blubbering like a gimp. If you did this in Cypress, or wherever it is you're from, they'd cut your nuts off.
Iqbal: The teachers, they don' like me.
Mr. Bibby: Well they didn't like me when I took their credit cards, but you don't see me crying about it.
Keisha Marie: [helping Natella with her speech for school president] Peace to Tupac! Fuck tha police!
Keisha Marie: Shouldn't you be at the news agent?
Natella: [annoyed] Shouldn't you be doing crack in the hood with all your gangsta yardie motherfuckers?
Iqbal: [on the phone with the Ministry of Education]
Iqbal: There is a Ministry of Education? What is next, Ministry of Kabob?
Guidance person: Keisha, you're being sent to a school for the exceptionally challenged. Do you understand what that means?
Keisha: What d'you reckon?
Guidance person: Well, what part don't you understand?
Guidance person: Well, that means "very".
Keisha: And "challenged".
Guidance person: Well, that means "stupid". So you see, I could have said we're sending you to a school for the very stupid.
Keisha: [pauses to digest this information] Yes!
Gavin's robot Jesus: [acting suspiciously like a Dalek for the entire episode] Excommunicate!
Iqbal: Ha! You's shat your pants! You's scared!
Mr. Bibby: I assure you, I am not scared. The fact I shat my pants is neither here nor there.
Iqbal: These kids are like my own children. Except I'm not banned from going within a mile of their houses.
Mr. Bibby: Think what it would mean to your parents. Or guardians. Or whatever combination of incompetent caregivers attend to your domestic requirements.
Mr. Bibby: I have the results from the latest GCSE modules from the assessment board. They are as follows: Biology - Poor, Physics - Very Poor, French - Unacceptable, Maths - Crap
Martin: It doesn't say crap!
Mr. Bibby: I'm paraphrasing, it actually says "cocking shite".
Natella: I'm going to call my presentation, "Into the Melting Pot: a Carnival of Nations"!
Keisha Marie: I'm going to call mine "Into the Shitpot: a Carnival of Shit".
Mr. Bibby: [Melanie is trying to bribe him] You think that my support can be bought? Does that mean that money would persuade me to forgo my principal my duty as a teacher? And even my responsibility to...
[he turns around and sees her completely naked]
Mr. Bibby: ...Money's fine.
Mr. Phillips: I bet you guys had all sorts of nicknames for me?
Latrina: Nope. Not really.
Mr. Phillips: You probably called me "Shitlips" or something like that? You probably went "Oh there goes old Shitty Shitlips" eh?
Latrina: Heh. Phillips. Sounds like shitlips.
Keisha: They's prejudiced against me because of the color of my skin! But I'm not here to talk about the struggle.
Iqbal: Okay I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, we lose lawsuit and have to pay six jillion squid to some lawyer. Good news is, Iqbal ain't gonna take that shit from no-one. Iqbal is going to fight! I is take this case to House of Lords. And when they is tell me to fuck off, I is go to Brussels! Iqbal is never going to give in while he has breath in his body. Who's with me? I said, who's with me?
Iqbal: On second thought it would be really difficult, and I can't be bothered. School is closed forever.
Iqbal: Bloody ridiculous... grown-up teachers behaving like children!
Mr. Bibby: Morning headmaster.
Iqbal: Ahh, Mr. Bibb. At least you are no like the children.
Mr. Bibby: Oh, but I am, headmaster. I'm-a like the children very much.
Iqbal: No, I mean you no look like the children.
Mr. Bibby: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm-a thought you talking banana-boat English.