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- Strong Bad: In the United States alone, someone checks their email every three seconds. This is one of them.
- Strong Bad: Hi everyone. Today it's time for some spring cleaning. Ready, go!
- [reading]
- Strong Bad: Dear Strong Bad, why do you hate homestar so much? He seems ok to me." hmm, I wonder how I should answer that?
- [DELETED! appears on screen]
- Strong Bad: DELETED!
- [he calls up another email]
- Strong Bad: Do you have secret crush with Marzipan? Steve, Sterling Va. Ah yes, now this is a question well worth my time and consideration!
- [DELETED!]
- E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading it] Dear Strong Bad, I just wondering, if you had the chance to make your town different, what would you you? Sincerley, Steven WV.
- [Strong Bad pronounces "WV" as "Wolksvagen"]
- Strong Bad: [typing] Pour hot soup in Homestar's eyes, eh, Steven? That sounds like a pretty good...
- [stops typing]
- Strong Bad: Wait, what did your e-mail say again?
- Strong Mad: [to Strong Sad, who is high on caffeine and hanging from the ceiling] Get down!
- Strong Sad: No!
- Strong Mad: [shouts] Get down!
- Strong Sad: No, no... Parakeet.
- Strong Mad: [in shock] Did you just say "parakeet"?
- Strong Bad: Uh, you don't really have to *make* Homestar say stupid stuff, Grumbles, that's the guy's bread n' butter. Or at least his, uh, cracker n' mustard.
- Homestar Runner: Strong Bad, do you notice anything different about me today?
- Strong Bad: Um, you broke into my house?
- Homestar Runner: No, I'm always doing that.
- Homsar: Hey, Reggie! Is that rhinoceros around?
- Strong Bad: Uh, I can only assume you're talking to me and asking about Strong Sad. He's in the basement.
- Strong Bad: [singing] I check the email once, I check the email twice, doo doo doo, doo doo doo... Okay, let's see what we got here.
- [an email is displayed, only it really just says, "Homestar Hair downloading... "]
- Strong Bad: Homestar Hair...? What the...
- [a graphic from Hairstyle Runner comes up onscreen]
- Strong Bad: Oh man! I swear if I get another one of these freakin' "Hairstyle Runners" from one of you guys...
- [types "delete that crap" and the graphic shrinks until it disappears, after which a message reading "crap deleted." appears onscreen]
- Strong Bad: ...I'm gonna have to start busting some heads, okay? I mean, how come you people never play *my* game, man? I never get any Strong Libs in my email. I mean, there's this whole game out there that's all for me that you guys can fill out, you know, and like, send me some hilarious crap or something. Now you got me all cheesed off! I'm gonna play some "Temple of Apshai". Forget you guys.
- [types "run 'temple__of__apshai'", then brings up Temple of Apshai, which he starts to play]
- E-mail: Hey there Strong Bad! I was thinking since so many people and ladies think you're SUPER COOL, why not build a monument to yourself for all to enjoy? Another fan, Kaitlin G.
- Strong Bad: [stops reading and starts typing] I'm assuming the G stands for generally overused girl's first name. Well generic name, you're really onto something here. Turns out I AM super cool. As for monuments, I already got one. But it's kinda only of my right foot. You might know it better as DUN DUN DAAA: The Strong Badia Sign!
- [Strong Badia's Stop Sign is displayed, followed by a picture of Strong Bad. As he narrates, a diagram of the monument is built]
- Strong Bad: Yeah, there were big plans once. It was to be made of the finest materials. On a massive scale that would rival the Aztecs and their... techno-chocolate land.
- [Back at the Compy and Strong Bad continues typing]
- Strong Bad: Anyways, we lost our funding or public interest waned or something distracted me.
- Strong Bad: [on tape] But the Cheat couldn't stop laughing and I didn't know what the big deal was until I saw the piece of paper. I just about lost it! Milk and cookies shot out of my nose! Oh, it was a great idea. And it just might work!
- [Strong Bad leans in]
- Strong Bad: And it did work! All right, that's enough. You heard enough... of my secrets.
- Strong Bad: [presenting his science project, talking about Strong Sad] At this point, the test subject... was dead.
- [audience gasps]
- Strong Sad: [offscreen] That's not true!
- Strong Bad: Shut up. And all of this data could only bring us to one conclusion... Strong Sad's adopted.
- [audience gasps]
- Strong Sad: [offscreen] That's not true either!
- Strong Bad: [after being asked what his second wish in a set of three would be, choosing horns, and drawing a picture of himself with horns] You know, these horns kinda look like croissants the way I drew them. Maybe my third wish will be for a couple of croissants... yeah, like, heat it up with some butter melting on the top... I got to get The Cheat to get me some of those. Some of those... cwoi-sagns...
- Strong Bad: The year was 1987, not a good year for a productivity. And as a result, productivity was down something-eight percent.
- Strong Bad: Maybe I should put up some of those inspirational posters and stuff to get things back in gear. You know the kinds that have whales or sunsets or windsurfers on em. And they say stuff about determination and giving a care.
- Strong Bad: [typing] Print out million dollar bill.exe
- Compy 386: Bad command or file name.
- Strong Bad: [typing] No, for real, print me out a million dollar bill, man.exe
- Compy 386: Syntax error.
- Strong Bad: [typing] Um, this time really print me out a million dollars bill. No foolin'
- Compy 386: Cut it out, you.
- Strong Bad: What the? Don't give me none of that crosstalk! Oh well, it was worth a shot. Now on to... on to the e-mail.
- Vector 3D Strong Bad: Your head a splode.
- Strong Bad: [on tape] And Reg had the ball at the top of the key. And I was all like "I'm Open! I'm open!" But someone must have slipped him some drugs or something because he passed it to the Deke and the Deke slam dunked it! It was my greatest moment on the court. I was trying to high-five everyone. But then there was a lot of commotion and the Deke accidentally shoved me to the ground and called me a...
- Strong Bad: Uh, let's skip on ahead here.
- [he fast-forwards the tape]
- Strong Bad: Oh, The Cheat. Where did we go wrong? It seems only yesterday we were setting fire to Strong Sad's underdrawers.
- Strong Sad: [offscreen] That *was* yesterday!
- [the CGNU fight song]
- Strong Bad: Fighting and sometimes striving/ Wondering what the Dumple is/ Excellence and what is valour?/ And the cheat will hit stuff with a golf club/ C-G-N-U!
- Homestar Runner: Me?
- Strong Bad: [sings] I got mad at The Cheat/for screwing up the jumble caper/I hope I don't read his name in the paper/In the obituary/'Cause that would mean he's dead/The Cheat is not dead/So glad The Cheat is not dead/The Cheat is not dead...
- Strong Sad: [clapping to Strong Bad's song] Dead!
- Strong Bad: So glad The Cheat is not dead/The Cheat is not dead...
- Strong Mad: [clapping to Strong Bad's song] Dead!
- Strong Bad: So glad The Cheat is not... Just the claps! Just the claps! Strong Sad, I didn't know you had any rhythm.
- Strong Sad: Oh sure, I've got tons of rhythm.
- Strong Bad: TROGDOR! TROGDOR! Trogdor was a man. I mean, he was a dragon man! Er, maybe he was just a dragon! Um, but he was still TROGDOR! TROGDOR! Burninating the countryside, burninating the peasants! Burninating all the peoples who lived in THATCHED ROOFED COTTAGES! THATCHED ROOFED COTTAGES! And the Trogdor comes in the NIIIIIIGHT!
- Strong Bad: Okay, so first of all, my head would have to be a little bean. With real, real big eyes. Get rid of my thumbs, make me all shiny... my boots would be a whole lot cooler. Like robot boots. And for some reason, I got blue hair. You gotta have blue hair. Then there's my mouth. Real tiny when it's closed; ridiculously huge when it's open. And then you basically just put me in space and let me fly around in cool poses!
- [Stinko Man flies around then lands on Planet K]
- Strong Bad: [Voice over] And they'd probably have somebody else do the voices.
- [1 Up, the 20X6 homestar walks up]
- 1 Up: Hey Stinkoman! Everybody says you're the guy, but I wanna be the guy too!
- Stinko Man: No way, you're just a kid! Maybe when you're older.
- [Pan-Pan, the 20X6 Pom-Pom lands on 1 Up]
- Stinko Man: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Pan Pan is fat! Ha ha ha ha ha! He fell on you! Ha ha ha ha! He's a good bear!
- [the credits appear]
- Narrator: [sings] Challenge and fighting/ and Fighting that challenge tonight./Everybody's fighting for the Challenge of the fighting and the/ Challenge and fighting/ and Fighting that challenge tonight.
- [Strong Bad has put Bubs and Coach Z's heads on each other's bodies]
- Coach Z: [looking around for Strong Bad] Well, he's not here.
- Bubs: Well, you better find him quick! This crap ain't funny!
- Coach Z: I'd be hard-pressed to do *anything* quick in this train-wreck! What've ya been eatin', concrete?
- Bubs: At least I don't have no clown feet. I can hardly walk in these things!
- [they walk off]
- Bubs: Ronald McDonald, grumble, mumble...
- The Ugly One: I have a crush on every boy!
- [the Arrow'd Guy shoots arrows, impaling her]
- Arrow'd Guy: ARROWED!
- The Ugly One: OW! My skin!
- Cheerleader: Okay, now let's start LOOKiNG GOOD!
- So and So: A'ight.
- The Ugly One: A'ight.
- What's Her Face: A'ight.
- [a robot zaps So and So]
- Cheerleader: Kristen, you look burnt, or DEAD.
- What's Her Face: I miss Kristin-a.
- Strong Bad: In the United States alone, someone checks their email every three seconds. This is one of them.
- E-mail: Yo yo, Strong Bad! Are there any ghosts in Strongbadia? Your Favorite Cowboys, Josh, John & Doug Nashville, TN.
- Strong Bad: Whoah. Took all three of ya to come up with that one, huh? You're some bright young men!
- Strong Bad: Actually, David, it may surprise you to hear this but, uh... I don't know anything about fishing, man. You're welcome to try the jig thing if you want. Though it might work better with the ladies. You know, like, come on and come to my house, ladies! Come on and come to my house, girls girls! Actually,
- [chuckles shyly]
- Strong Bad: I don't really know anything about the ladies either. I mean I do! I mean-WHGT! JGTH! YES I'M AWESOME!
- [runs away]
- Strong Bad: [singing] Oh, who is the guy that checks all his emails? That's me, Strong Bad.
- E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, do you take your wrestling mask and boxing gloves off before you go to bed? Sincerely, Abdi LaRue, San Diego, CA.
- [Strong Bad stops reading and starts typing]
- Strong Bad: Well, that's a stupid question, Abdi. Do you take off your face and hands before you go to bed? And if so, are you some kind of robot? And if so, what kind of powers do you have? Do you use them for good, or for awesome? Would you like to join forces? I just happen to be the greatest criminal mind of our time.
- [types "-Strong Bad" and then stops typing]
- Strong Bad: Okay, until next time, keep sending me your questions, and I will make fun of you... I mean, answer them.
- Strong Bad: [singing] Oh, if you want to be possessive, it's just "I-T-S", but if it's supposed to be a contraction, then it's "I-T-apostrophe-S"... scalawag.
- Strong Bad: I say there, Homestar, butt's twelve by pies?
- Homestar Runner: Oh, yes, I got Strong Bad to say something stupid!
- Strong Bad: Okay, so until next time, who put the ween in Halloween? I don't know. Probably you, you freakin' weirdo!
- Strong Bad: You dress up like me this year and the ladies will flock to you like the Poopsmith to an overflowing toilet.
- Strong Bad: First paint your head red. Then take your shirt off to expose your manly chest. Next, get some boxing gloves, or if you don't have boxing gloves, oven mitts will do. Next, duct tape some aluminum foil to some twine. And finally, get your mom to make you a Strong Bad costume. You'll be the belle of the ball.
- Homestar Runner: I'm a bell!
- E-mail: dear mr bad make a cartoon with only u in it and then just u do the commentary crapful geroge.
- Strong Bad: Oh, no way Geroge. We tried that once. Trust me, man. Bad idea.
- [cut to Strong Bad in the field]
- Strong Bad: [voice over] Umm... so this is another part where it's just me. And I'm kinda standing around. You know, just standing. I guess I don't do very much. No wait, I just scratched my head. Yeah, I remember that part. I totally had to scratch my head then, man. I can't remember exactly what I was looking at there. Er, I think it was like a bird, or maybe a cloud that looked like a bird. You know, like a bird cloud.
- Powered by The Cheat Homestar: Hey, Strong Bad, I need to be kicked into the face.
- Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: I can do it. I will do it nine times.
- [He jumps in the air and kicks Homestar in the face nine times]
- Powered by The Cheat Homestar: This is the last...
- Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: Shut it up. Shut it up, you.
- Powered by The Cheat Homestar: Shut it up, me.
- Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: [cartwheeling] Here I go. Here I go again on my own.
- [uses a ramp to jump over buses]
- Powered by The Cheat Bubs: Hey, Strong Bad, you jumped over some of my buses!
- Strong Bad: [Strong Bad has just cheated and won a race against Homestar, but nobody cares. He is talking to Strong Mad and The Cheat] It wasn't supposed to be like this, man... I don't understand. I mean, they were supposed to get all disappointed, and Homestar would cry, and you guys would put me on your shoulders and throw the melonade on me and everything...
- [Strong Mad smiles and runs off]
- Strong Bad: You know... I mean, this is like the defining moment of my life... but if it doesn't mean anything to *them* -
- [Strong Mad reappears and drops an unopened keg of melonade on Strong Bad]
- Strong Bad: [shouts] Auuugh! You moron! That's not what I meant!
- [groans loudly]
- Strong Bad: Oh, I think you broke my... clavicus...
- [pauses]
- Strong Bad: ... majorus.
- Mike: Hey, Homestar, I've got a new friend for you.
- Homestar Runner: Uh-oh... last time you said that?
- Mike: [holds up a Kick-The-Cheat doll]
- Homestar Runner: What in blue blazes is that?
- Mike: [hits the Kick the Cheat doll, causing it to make The Cheat noises]
- Homestar Runner: Oooh.
- Mike: [hits it again, causing it to make more The Cheat noises]
- Homestar Runner: Don't do it again.
- Mike: [hits it a third time, making more noises]
- Homestar Runner: What is it saying?
- Mike: I think that it says that he loves you very much.
- Homestar Runner: Awww! Yellow Man!
- Homestar Runner: [Homestar & Strong Bad are on a Deserted Island] Hey, Strong Bad!
- Strong Bad: What?
- Homestar Runner: Are we rescued yet?
- Strong Bad: You're gotta need to be rescued if you don't quit asking me that question.
- Homestar Runner: Ohhhhh... hey, Strong Bad!
- Strong Bad: [shouts] What?
- Homestar Runner: Is there ice-cream, yet?
- Strong Bad: You're gotta need to get ice-cream if you don't quit asking me that... because... I gotta hit you, and you need the ice-cream to stop the swelling.
- Homestar Runner: Hey, Stinkoman!
- Strong Bad: Umm... did you just call me Stinkoman?
- Homestar Runner: Yes, sir, I did!
- Strong Bad: Jeez... you don't have a gun on the other side of the island do you?
- Strong Sad: [juiced on caffeine and speaking very, very rapidly] Marzipan, Marzipan! Whaddya wanna make? Ya wanna make some wood davers? I got peanut butter, I got pinecones, I got everything we need! I said pinecones, pinecones! Gonna be successful! Gonna be phenomenally successful! Sell 'em at the corner store! Sell 'em at the five and dime! Marzipan, get on the train! Gotta get on the wood davers train! Here goes the wood davers train, it's taking off, it's a new century!
- [the characters are trying to solve the mystery of the patch on the couch on Strong Bad's basement couch]
- Coach Z: [with his voice digitally altered] No, no, I got the real scoop. Strong Bad had me over for gumbo one night, and I don't know what kind of doodoo meat he was using in there, but I had to puke! So I went downstairs and I noticed this little rip in the couch, so I puked in it! I... I'm sorry for what I done!
- [Strong Bad is seen typing on his computer]
- Strong Bad: I liked that gumbo! I didn't use no doodoo meat! If I ever find out who that guy is... Well, palbert, there's your answer. Me? I'm gonna go over there.
- [he is about to get up, but then stops]
- Strong Bad: Oh, wait.
- [he sits back down and resumes typing]
- Strong Bad: Make homestar's head explode.exe
- Compy 386: No can do.
- Homestar Runner: No can do.
- Strong Bad: Oh, crap! This computer is worthless!
- Homestar Runner: Oh... I look like... the elephant man.
- Mike: Homestar, you look the way you always do.
- Homestar Runner: ...What are you saying, Mike?
- E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, I was curious as to whether or not Strong Badia had an official army. Your Homeboy, Hank Toler
- Strong Bad: Does Strongbadia have an army? Strongbadia needs no army, Hankatola. Me and that one big guy and that one little guy... we're a one man army. Er, a three man one-y. Three-to-one-marny? What I mean to say is, what do we need an army for when the three of us pretty much do as we please? I mean, it's not like there's anyone around to oppose us.
- [Homestar appears out of nowhere wearing a bowl on his head and carrying a large spoon]
- Homestar Runner: All right, maggot! Fall it out. "Col-onel" Homestar Runner is recruiting the most elite team of crack commandos to invade Strongbadia. Do you has what it takes to join the Homestarmy? Will you bring a sack lunch and some orange slices for me and serve your country? Will you, stupid?
- Strong Bad: Um... no. I don't really have any interest in invading my own...
- Homestar Runner: Ten-hut! Draft dodger, eh? We'll see if those trees you're always hugging save you when Gordon Lightfoot's creeping 'round your back stair! Company... Halt! Backwards... March!
- [Homestar marches backwards off-screen]
- Strong Bad: What the...
- Homestar Runner: [sticks his head back in] Oh, and if you change your mind, or you wanna trade in that skirt you're wearing for a nice pair of camos, we're having a pep rally up at The Stick in oh-fifteen minutes.
- Strong Bad: Wow. I thought I knew what ridiculous was, until this day.