Strongbad_email.exe (2004 Video)
Strong Bad: Hi everyone. Today it's time for some spring cleaning. Ready, go!
Strong Bad: Dear Strong Bad, why do you hate homestar so much? He seems ok to me." hmm, I wonder how I should answer that?
[DELETED! appears on screen]
Strong Bad: DELETED!
[he calls up another email]
Strong Bad: Do you have secret crush with Marzipan? Steve, Sterling Va. Ah yes, now this is a question well worth my time and consideration!
E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading it] Dear Strong Bad, I just wondering, if you had the chance to make your town different, what would you you? Sincerley, Steven WV.
[Strong Bad pronounces "WV" as "Wolksvagen"]
Strong Bad: [typing] Pour hot soup in Homestar's eyes, eh, Steven? That sounds like a pretty good...
Strong Bad: Wait, what did your e-mail say again?
Strong Mad: [to Strong Sad, who is high on caffeine and hanging from the ceiling] Get down!
Strong Sad: No!
Strong Mad: [shouts] Get down!
Strong Sad: No, no... Parakeet.
Strong Mad: [in shock] Did you just say "parakeet"?
[catches a football tossed to him]
Mike: I'm Mike Chapman. People are all the time asking me, "Mike, how do you do the voices for those dumb animal characters on your website?", and I say, "I'm Mike. Matt does the voices."
Strong Bad: Uh, you don't really have to *make* Homestar say stupid stuff, Grumbles, that's the guy's bread n' butter. Or at least his, uh, cracker n' mustard.
Homestar Runner: Strong Bad, do you notice anything different about me today?
Strong Bad: Um, you broke into my house?
Homestar Runner: No, I'm always doing that.
Homsar: Hey, Reggie! Is that rhinoceros around?
Strong Bad: Uh, I can only assume you're talking to me and asking about Strong Sad. He's in the basement.
Strong Bad: [singing] I check the email once, I check the email twice, doo doo doo, doo doo doo... Okay, let's see what we got here.
[an email is displayed, only it really just says, "Homestar Hair downloading... "]
Strong Bad: Homestar Hair...? What the...
[a graphic from Hairstyle Runner comes up onscreen]
Strong Bad: Oh man! I swear if I get another one of these freakin' "Hairstyle Runners" from one of you guys...
[types "delete that crap" and the graphic shrinks until it disappears, after which a message reading "crap deleted." appears onscreen]
Strong Bad: ...I'm gonna have to start busting some heads, okay? I mean, how come you people never play *my* game, man? I never get any Strong Libs in my email. I mean, there's this whole game out there that's all for me that you guys can fill out, you know, and like, send me some hilarious crap or something. Now you got me all cheesed off! I'm gonna play some "Temple of Apshai". Forget you guys.
[types "run 'temple__of__apshai'", then brings up Temple of Apshai, which he starts to play]
E-mail: Hey there Strong Bad! I was thinking since so many people and ladies think you're SUPER COOL, why not build a monument to yourself for all to enjoy? Another fan, Kaitlin G.
Strong Bad: [stops reading and starts typing] I'm assuming the G stands for generally overused girl's first name. Well generic name, you're really onto something here. Turns out I AM super cool. As for monuments, I already got one. But it's kinda only of my right foot. You might know it better as DUN DUN DAAA: The Strong Badia Sign!
[Strong Badia's Stop Sign is displayed, followed by a picture of Strong Bad. As he narrates, a diagram of the monument is built]
Strong Bad: Yeah, there were big plans once. It was to be made of the finest materials. On a massive scale that would rival the Aztecs and their... techno-chocolate land.
[Back at the Compy and Strong Bad continues typing]
Strong Bad: Anyways, we lost our funding or public interest waned or something distracted me.
Strong Bad: [on tape] But the Cheat couldn't stop laughing and I didn't know what the big deal was until I saw the piece of paper. I just about lost it! Milk and cookies shot out of my nose! Oh, it was a great idea. And it just might work!
[Strong Bad leans in]
Strong Bad: And it did work! All right, that's enough. You heard enough... of my secrets.
Strong Bad: [reading "Tori from VA, TX"] Tori from Virginia and Texas, respectively.
Strong Bad: [presenting his science project, talking about Strong Sad] At this point, the test subject... was dead.
Strong Sad: [offscreen] That's not true!
Strong Bad: Shut up. And all of this data could only bring us to one conclusion... Strong Sad's adopted.
Strong Sad: [offscreen] That's not true either!
Strong Bad: [after being asked what his second wish in a set of three would be, choosing horns, and drawing a picture of himself with horns] You know, these horns kinda look like croissants the way I drew them. Maybe my third wish will be for a couple of croissants... yeah, like, heat it up with some butter melting on the top... I got to get The Cheat to get me some of those. Some of those... cwoi-sagns...
Strong Bad: The year was 1987, not a good year for a productivity. And as a result, productivity was down something-eight percent.
Strong Bad: Maybe I should put up some of those inspirational posters and stuff to get things back in gear. You know the kinds that have whales or sunsets or windsurfers on em. And they say stuff about determination and giving a care.
Strong Bad: [typing] Print out million dollar bill.exe
Compy 386: Bad command or file name.
Strong Bad: [typing] No, for real, print me out a million dollar bill, man.exe
Compy 386: Syntax error.
Strong Bad: [typing] Um, this time really print me out a million dollars bill. No foolin'
Compy 386: Cut it out, you.
Strong Bad: What the? Don't give me none of that crosstalk! Oh well, it was worth a shot. Now on to... on to the e-mail.
Vector 3D Strong Bad: Your head a splode.
Strong Bad: [on tape] And Reg had the ball at the top of the key. And I was all like "I'm Open! I'm open!" But someone must have slipped him some drugs or something because he passed it to the Deke and the Deke slam dunked it! It was my greatest moment on the court. I was trying to high-five everyone. But then there was a lot of commotion and the Deke accidentally shoved me to the ground and called me a...
Strong Bad: Uh, let's skip on ahead here.
[he fast-forwards the tape]
Strong Bad: Oh, The Cheat. Where did we go wrong? It seems only yesterday we were setting fire to Strong Sad's underdrawers.
Strong Sad: [offscreen] That *was* yesterday!
[the CGNU fight song]
Strong Bad: Fighting and sometimes striving/ Wondering what the Dumple is/ Excellence and what is valour?/ And the cheat will hit stuff with a golf club/ C-G-N-U!
Homestar Runner: Me?
Strong Bad: [sings] I got mad at the cheat/for screwing up the jumble caper/I hope I don't read his name in the paper/In the obituary/Cos that would mean he's dead/The Cheat is not dead/so glad The Cheat is not dead/The cheat is not dead...
Strong Sad: Dead!
Strong Bad: So Glad the Cheat is not dead/The Cheat is not dead...
Strong Mad: Dead!
Strong Bad: So glad the cheat is not- Just the claps! Just the claps! Strong Sad, I didn't know you had any rhythm.
Strong Sad: Oh sure, I've got tons of rhythm
Strong Bad: TROGDOR! TROGDOR! Trogdor was a man. I mean, he was a dragon man! Er, maybe he was just a dragon! Um, but he was still TROGDOR! TROGDOR! Burninating the countryside, burninating the peasants! Burninating all the peoples who lived in THATCHED ROOFED COTTAGES! THATCHED ROOFED COTTAGES! And the Trogdor comes in the NIIIIIIGHT!
Strong Bad: Okay, so first of all, my head would have to be a little bean. With real, real big eyes. Get rid of my thumbs, make me all shiny... my boots would be a whole lot cooler. Like robot boots. And for some reason, I got blue hair. You gotta have blue hair. Then there's my mouth. Real tiny when it's closed; ridiculously huge when it's open. And then you basically just put me in space and let me fly around in cool poses!
[Stinko Man flies around then lands on Planet K]
Strong Bad: [Voice over] And they'd probably have somebody else do the voices.
[1 Up, the 20X6 homestar walks up]
1 Up: Hey Stinkoman! Everybody says you're the guy, but I wanna be the guy too!
Stinko Man: No way, you're just a kid! Maybe when you're older.
[Pan-Pan, the 20X6 Pom-Pom lands on 1 Up]
Stinko Man: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Pan Pan is fat! Ha ha ha ha ha! He fell on you! Ha ha ha ha! He's a good bear!
[the credits appear]
Narrator: [sings] Challenge and fighting/ and Fighting that challenge tonight./Everybody's fighting for the Challenge of the fighting and the/ Challenge and fighting/ and Fighting that challenge tonight.
[Strong Bad has put Bubs and Coach Z's heads on each other's bodies]
Coach Z: [looking around for Strong Bad] Well, he's not here.
Bubs: Well, you better find him quick! This crap ain't funny!
Coach Z: I'd be hard-pressed to do *anything* quick in this train-wreck! What've ya been eatin', concrete?
Bubs: At least I don't have no clown feet. I can hardly walk in these things!
[they walk off]
Bubs: Ronald McDonald, grumble, mumble...
The Ugly One: I have a crush on every boy!
[the Arrow'd Guy shoots arrows, impaling her]
Arrow'd Guy: ARROWED!
The Ugly One: OW! My skin!
Cheerleader: Okay, now let's start LOOKiNG GOOD!
So and So: A'ight.
The Ugly One: A'ight.
What's Her Face: A'ight.
[a robot zaps So and So]
Cheerleader: Kristen, you look burnt, or DEAD.
What's Her Face: I miss Kristin-a.
Strong Bad: In the United States alone, someone checks their email every three seconds. This is one of them.
E-mail: Yo yo, Strong Bad! Are there any ghosts in Strongbadia? Your Favorite Cowboys, Josh, John & Doug Nashville, TN.
Strong Bad: Whoah. Took all three of ya to come up with that one, huh? You're some bright young men!
Strong Bad: Actually, David, it may surprise you to hear this but, uh... I don't know anything about fishing, man. You're welcome to try the jig thing if you want. Though it might work better with the ladies. You know, like, come on and come to my house, ladies! Come on and come to my house, girls girls! Actually,
Strong Bad: I don't really know anything about the ladies either. I mean I do! I mean-WHGT! JGTH! YES I'M AWESOME!
Strong Bad: [singing] Oh, who is the guy that checks all his emails? That's me, Strong Bad.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, do you take your wrestling mask and boxing gloves off before you go to bed? Sincerely, Abdi LaRue, San Diego, CA.
[Strong Bad stops reading and starts typing]
Strong Bad: Well, that's a stupid question, Abdi. Do you take off your face and hands before you go to bed? And if so, are you some kind of robot? And if so, what kind of powers do you have? Do you use them for good, or for awesome? Would you like to join forces? I just happen to be the greatest criminal mind of our time.
[types "-Strong Bad" and then stops typing]
Strong Bad: Okay, until next time, keep sending me your questions, and I will make fun of you... I mean, answer them.
Strong Bad: [singing] Oh, if you want to be possessive, it's just "I-T-S", but if it's supposed to be a contraction, then it's "I-T-apostrophe-S"... scalawag.
Strong Bad: I say there, Homestar, butt's twelve by pies?
Homestar Runner: Oh, yes, I got Strong Bad to say something stupid!
Strong Bad: Okay, so until next time, who put the ween in Halloween? I don't know. Probably you, you freakin' weirdo!
Strong Bad: You dress up like me this year and the ladies will flock to you like the Poopsmith to an overflowing toilet.
Strong Bad: First paint your head red. Then take your shirt off to expose your manly chest. Next, get some boxing gloves, or if you don't have boxing gloves, oven mitts will do. Next, duct tape some aluminum foil to some twine. And finally, get your mom to make you a Strong Bad costume. You'll be the belle of the ball.
Homestar Runner: I'm a bell!
E-mail: dear mr bad make a cartoon with only u in it and then just u do the commentary crapful geroge.
Strong Bad: Oh, no way Geroge. We tried that once. Trust me, man. Bad idea.
[cut to Strong Bad in the field]
Strong Bad: [voice over] Umm... so this is another part where it's just me. And I'm kinda standing around. You know, just standing. I guess I don't do very much. No wait, I just scratched my head. Yeah, I remember that part. I totally had to scratch my head then, man. I can't remember exactly what I was looking at there. Er, I think it was like a bird, or maybe a cloud that looked like a bird. You know, like a bird cloud.
Powered by The Cheat Homestar: Hey, Strong Bad, I need to be kicked into the face.
Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: I can do it. I will do it nine times.
[He jumps in the air and kicks Homestar in the face nine times]
Powered by The Cheat Homestar: This is the last...
Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: Shut it up. Shut it up, you.
Powered by The Cheat Homestar: Shut it up, me.
Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: [cartwheeling] Here I go. Here I go again on my own.
[uses a ramp to jump over buses]
Powered by The Cheat Bubs: Hey, Strong Bad, you jumped over some of my buses!
Strong Bad: [Strong Bad has just cheated and won a race against Homestar, but nobody cares. He is talking to Strong Mad and The Cheat] It wasn't supposed to be like this, man... I don't understand. I mean, they were supposed to get all disappointed, and Homestar would cry, and you guys would put me on your shoulders and throw the melonade on me and everything...
[Strong Mad smiles and runs off]
Strong Bad: You know... I mean, this is like the defining moment of my life... but if it doesn't mean anything to *them* -
[Strong Mad reappears and drops an unopened keg of melonade on Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: [shouts] Auuugh! You moron! That's not what I meant!
Strong Bad: Oh, I think you broke my... clavicus...
Strong Bad: ... majorus.
Mike: Hey, Homestar, I've got a new friend for you.
Homestar Runner: Uh-oh... last time you said that?
Mike: [holds up a Kick-The-Cheat doll]
Homestar Runner: What in blue blazes is that?
Mike: [hits the Kick the Cheat doll, causing it to make The Cheat noises]
Homestar Runner: Oooh.
Mike: [hits it again, causing it to make more The Cheat noises]
Homestar Runner: Don't do it again.
Mike: [hits it a third time, making more noises]
Homestar Runner: What is it saying?
Mike: I think that it says that he loves you very much.
Homestar Runner: Awww! Yellow Man!
Homestar Runner: [Homestar & Strong Bad are on a Deserted Island] Hey, Strong Bad!
Strong Bad: What?
Homestar Runner: Are we rescued yet?
Strong Bad: You're gotta need to be rescued if you don't quit asking me that question.
Homestar Runner: Ohhhhh... hey, Strong Bad!
Strong Bad: [shouts] What?
Homestar Runner: Is there ice-cream, yet?
Strong Bad: You're gotta need to get ice-cream if you don't quit asking me that... because... I gotta hit you, and you need the ice-cream to stop the swelling.
Homestar Runner: Hey, Stinkoman!
Strong Bad: Umm... did you just call me Stinkoman?
Homestar Runner: Yes, sir, I did!
Strong Bad: Jeez... you don't have a gun on the other side of the island do you?
Strong Sad: [juiced on caffeine and speaking very, very rapidly] Marzipan, Marzipan! Whaddya wanna make? Ya wanna make some wood davers? I got peanut butter, I got pinecones, I got everything we need! I said pinecones, pinecones! Gonna be successful! Gonna be phenomenally successful! Sell 'em at the corner store! Sell 'em at the five and dime! Marzipan, get on the train! Gotta get on the wood davers train! Here goes the wood davers train, it's taking off, it's a new century!
[the characters are trying to solve the mystery of the patch on the couch on Strong Bad's basement couch]
Coach Z: [with his voice digitally altered] No, no, I got the real scoop. Strong Bad had me over for gumbo one night, and I don't know what kind of doodoo meat he was using in there, but I had to puke! So I went downstairs and I noticed this little rip in the couch, so I puked in it! I... I'm sorry for what I done!
[Strong Bad is seen typing on his computer]
Strong Bad: I liked that gumbo! I didn't use no doodoo meat! If I ever find out who that guy is... Well, palbert, there's your answer. Me? I'm gonna go over there.
[he is about to get up, but then stops]
Strong Bad: Oh, wait.
[he sits back down and resumes typing]
Strong Bad: Make homestar's head explode.exe
Compy 386: No can do.
Homestar Runner: No can do.
Strong Bad: Oh, crap! This computer is worthless!
Homestar Runner: Oh... I look like... the elephant man.
Mike: Homestar, you look the way you always do.
Homestar Runner: ...What are you saying, Mike?
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, I was curious as to whether or not Strong Badia had an official army. Your Homeboy, Hank Toler
Strong Bad: Does Strongbadia have an army? Strongbadia needs no army, Hankatola. Me and that one big guy and that one little guy... we're a one man army. Er, a three man one-y. Three-to-one-marny? What I mean to say is, what do we need an army for when the three of us pretty much do as we please? I mean, it's not like there's anyone around to oppose us.
[Homestar appears out of nowhere wearing a bowl on his head and carrying a large spoon]
Homestar Runner: All right, maggot! Fall it out. "Col-onel" Homestar Runner is recruiting the most elite team of crack commandos to invade Strongbadia. Do you has what it takes to join the Homestarmy? Will you bring a sack lunch and some orange slices for me and serve your country? Will you, stupid?
Strong Bad: Um... no. I don't really have any interest in invading my own...
Homestar Runner: Ten-hut! Draft dodger, eh? We'll see if those trees you're always hugging save you when Gordon Lightfoot's creeping 'round your back stair! Company... Halt! Backwards... March!
[Homestar marches backwards off-screen]
Strong Bad: What the...
Homestar Runner: [sticks his head back in] Oh, and if you change your mind, or you wanna trade in that skirt you're wearing for a nice pair of camos, we're having a pep rally up at The Stick in oh-fifteen minutes.
Strong Bad: Wow. I thought I knew what ridiculous was, until this day.
Strong Bad: Here I go once again with the e-mail. Every week, I hope that it's from a female.
Strong Bad: [to The Cheat] We had that light switch installed for you so you could turn the lights on and off - NOT so you could throw light switch raves!
[Strong Bad has inhaled helium, causing his voice to sound high-pitched]
Strong Bad: I sound like... one of the Golden Girls.
Homestar Runner: So from then on, it was pork and beans
Marzipan: I don't know if that's entirely healthy
[the Cheat floats past under the influence of helium]
Homestar Runner: Whoa, Marzipan. Check out that ugly bird.
Marzipan: Homestar, I think that's The Cheat
Homestar Runner: No way! The Cheat is a fine-looking young man. That is an ugly bird.
[the Cheat floats past again after a few seconds]
Strong Sad: [offscreen] I'm sad that he's flying.
Strong Bad: The book I wrote is called, "Everyone is Different." So here we go.
[reads from the book, which is actually one of Strong Sad's books, with the words and pictures altered with pen]
Strong Bad: Everyone is different. No two people are the same. Some people are about to get run over. Frankie has about five seconds. Some people are very tall and merciless. Quincy is destroying San Antonio. Some people wears glasses. Beth looks like a dude. Some people are squirrel-handed. Gregor is a weird name. Some people have braces. Some people have headgear. Fran could play linebacker for the Raiders. Some people have rigged the enemy base with explosives. Albert has. Some people have a Southern accent, and those are hot. Trisha is a severe hottie. Some people are being fangoriously devoured by a gelatenous monster. Hilary's legs are being digested. Everyone is different. No two people are not on fire. Awww.
[Strong Bad has glued Strong Sad's hands to his butt]
Homestar Runner: Why are you touching your buttocks? That's pretty weird.
Strong Sad: I can't help it!
Homestar Runner: Okay, that's really weird.
Strong Sad: Wait, you don't understand!
Bubs: Grabbing your own butt? That's not very ladylike.
Strong Sad: I'm not a lady!
[Strong Bad describes one of the places he went to on vacation: That Clock, via a postcard from that location]
Strong Bad: [singing] It's that clock. C'mon, you guys, you need to check it on out. It's that CLOCK! I can't believe it!
Strong Bad: Okay, the best thing about this postcard is if you look at the clock, that's the exact same time that I first laid eyes on the clock: 2:55, man. And like - oh, wait, it still says... 2:55. Okay, well, the clock is broken, but still, it's about the best thing I've ever seen in my entire life! Okay, now I got to bust a wicked solo.
[He plays a lousy acoustic guitar solo]
Strong Bad: Thank you, good night!
[Homestar is reading an email intended for Strong Bad]
E-mail: Strong Bad, what is your favorite leg? Jess and Tiff.
Homestar Runner: Um...
Homestar Runner: Hey Crapface! Why dontcha blow it out your ear. Your buddy, Strong Bad.
Strong Bad: Say you like me?
Strong Bad: Then do you like...
[quietly and quickly]
Strong Bad: Strong Bad?
Marzipan: No! You're just saying your name fast. Go away.
Strong Bad: What about the guy who's brothers with...
[quietly and quickly]
Strong Bad: Strong Mad and Strong Sad?
Marzipan: That's still you! No!
Strong Bad: Then how about this one: do you don't not dislike not Strong Bad?
Marzipan: Uh, I guess...
Strong Bad: See! I told you you love me! Oh, I knew it all along! Wait til my friend Emily from Ohio...
[pronounced as "Oheeo"]
Strong Bad: ...hears about this!
[runs off speaking gibberish to himself]
Marzipan: Whatever. Come on Carol, let's rock.
[Strong Bad's computer explodes, flinging him through a wall into Strong Sad's room and through one of Strong Sad's posters]
Strong Sad: Oh, geez! Are you okay?
Strong Bad: Wha... yeah... no, I'm fine! Nothing happened, I'm fine!
Strong Sad: Did your terrible computer explode?
Strong Bad: No, shut up! Look, I'm gonna need to borrow, like, $900.
Strong Sad: Well, I hope that's for a new computer. You could get one like yours at a garage sale for like... $15.
Strong Bad: I said SHUT UP! I liked that computer.
Strong Sad: I hope some of that money's for buying me a new poster. You don't seem too broken up about that.
[Homestar talks to Pom Pom about Senor Cardgage]
Homestar Runner: Hey, Pom Pom! This guy smells like pea soup.
[He then looks at Senor Cardgage and talks in a singsong voice]
Homestar Runner: You smell like pea soup!
Senor Cardgage: Oh, excardon me.
Homestar Runner: [singsong] Uh, I don't know what any of that means. And you still smell like pea soup!
Strong Bad: Make the town different, eh, Steven? Well...
[He breaks into song]
Strong Bad: [singing] The Poopsmith, he could talk...
The Poopsmith: [deep voice] Hello.
Strong Bad: [singing] And Marzipan would rock, and the stick would be this big ol' tree that'd try to eat everyone except The Cheat and me.
Strong Mad: And me!
Strong Bad: [stops singing] We'll see.
Strong Bad: And the King of Town would be underground in a box filled up with peas.
The King of Town: I hate peas.
Strong Bad: [stops singing] I know!
Strong Bad: Bubs would give away flame throwers that shoot chocolate $100 bills.
Bubs: *Imitation* chocolate.
Strong Bad: [singing] And my stupid baby brother would've been born with horns and a tail.
Strong Sad: [sadly] I'm evil.
Strong Bad: [singing] And Coach Z would wear this cool jacket.
Coach Z: [showing off his jacket] Check it out, yo!
Strong Bad: [singing] But Homestar just couldn't hack it.
Homestar Runner: [angrily removing the star on his shirt, throwing it down and stomping on it] I quit!
Strong Bad: [singing] And Pom Pom wouldn't be changed at all except to look like an ABA basketball.
Strong Bad: Two, three four...
[resumes singing, then showing off Homsar]
Strong Bad: And this little weirdo would be a modestly hot girl to help me through the hard times.
[Homsar turns into a female version of himself]
Strong Bad: You know, the kind that are only sorta hot so they don't mess around with other guys.
Homsar: [although he looks like a girl, he still talks in his normal voice] I'm forever your girl.
Strong Bad: An email is like a prison. A prison with no walls. And no toilet.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, every time I watch a cartoon with you in it, I can't help but realize how incredibly gorgeous you are. I love the way you walk around without your shirt on so confidently. Anyways, I was wondering if you would like to go out sometime. Give me a call, Pom Pom has my number. Hopefully yours, Brian.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well, Brian, maybe you and I could...
[he stops typing suddenly]
Strong Bad: [shocked and angry] Hey! BRIAN? What the crap?
[he resumes typing]
Strong Bad: Look, man, unless Brian is short for... Brianrietta or Brian-Sue or something like that, it's just not gonna work out between you and me, okay? Sorry to crush your hopes and dreams, -Strong Bad
[He stops typing]
Strong Bad: Okay, so until next week... One, two, three! Email me! One, two, four! Email me more!
Homestar Runner: What do you think I'll say next? Sid Hoffman, or Sid Frenchman?
Marzipan: This is the dumbest game I've ever played.
Homestar Runner: Aw, cm'on! You're just being sore because you're losin'.
Marzipan: Okay, I'll go with Sid Hoffman.
Homestar Runner: Sid Hoff... Frenchman! Sorry, you lose again! I said Sid Frenchman.
Marzipan: Homestar, you said Sid Hofffrenchman. That was not even a choice.
[Easter Eggs from the 100th email]
Homestar Runner: Happy hundreth birthday, Strong Bad!
Marzipan: Whoo hoo, Strong Bad. Whoo hoo. I've caught up with you. I only have 90 more Answering Machines to go.
Senor Cardgage: Many conabulations, Elizagerth. I hope you get all my particles.
Strong Bad: [offscreen] Man, so cool!
[Strong Bad does an ad for Crazy Go Nuts University]
Strong Bad: Do you want to be more awesome? Sure, we all do. Here at Crazy Go Nuts University, you can get the experience you'll need to be almost half as awesome as I am. Get your certificate in: Cheesing People Off, Indian-Giving, Cutting Ones, Doing Some Other Things, Home Invasion, Cracking Wise, World Domination, Sending Me a Dollar, Total Spaceship Guy, TV/VCR Repair, or GET YOUR DEGREE! Applying is easy. Just take this free art test. Fill out the test and send it back to us. And you will be well on your way to a better, awesomer you. Remember, at Crazy Go Nuts University, the future is... you... probably.
Announcer: Actual applicants not accepted. Art test is only so we can make fun of you.
[Strong Bad is asked by an emailer from Boston about what Homestar and Marzipan do on a date]
Strong Bad: You know I've done a lotta thinking on the subject. And yes, Boston, you guessed it, it gimme the jibblies. So in order to watch from a proper, safe distance I made up the Homestar Runner and Marzipan Extra Real Dating Sim XR! Using the most state-of-the-art polygoniest technologies, we can see what an actual date with Marzipan and Homestar Runner would be like without the risk of personal injury. Or vomiting. I think it would go a little something a-like a-dis-a...
[Strong Bad starts playing the game]
Sim XR Marzipan: DUH!
Sim XR Homestar: FUH! DUH! DUH!
Sim XR Marzipan: BUH! DUH! FUH! Strong Bad is on point.
Sim XR Homestar: FUH!
Homestar Runner: [addressing imaginary masses] Ahem. From this day forward, I hereby declare eggs not to be a fruit!
[the imaginary masses cheer]
Homestar Runner: Yes, yes, quiet down. And furthermore, I declare no longer shall dirty diapers be accepted as legal tender!
Homestar Runner: Hang on, I got one more. Henceforth, those named Henry will no longer be allowed to call themselves Hank. That's too much of a stretch.
[Homestar smiles as the masses cheer]
Homestar Runner: [singing] Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it's true. Oh, yeah. You've got to do the best you can. And work out twice a day. Don't ask me why I said it. Because I already forgot.
Cheerleader: [At a graveyard where the rest of the Squad is buried] I look so good!
[Strong Bad walks up to Cheerleader]
Strong Bad: Whoa. Hey there, Cheerleader. You're looking so good. You want to go take a ride with me up to Checkers, or Rally's, or, um, Sonic Burger? Whatever you guys got here.
[Strong Bad is asked via an email from Shana Ma if he celebrates Thanksgiving or traditions from when Strong Badia was first colonized]
Strong Bad: Oh, Shana Ma, the story of the colonization of Strong Badia is a tale as old as, say, the wireless Web or energy drinks maybe.
[a book on the history of Strong Badia appears]
Strong Bad: [narrating] It began in a period of strife when I was being persecuted for my beliefs.
Strong Sad: [in book] Ewwww! Ketchup on eggs?
Strong Bad: [narrating] I learned of a place where a man can be free. Free to do what he wants to do. Free to ketchup his eggs without being hassled by the man. So I set sail with three stout sub sandwiches, and my best The Cheat to find this mystical land.
[the book shows Strong Bad and The Cheat dressed as pilgrims and Bubs as an Indian]
Strong Bad: [narrating] I met a strange man who had strange ways and strange odors. And he led me to the new world, out beyond the dumpsters. There was a brief struggle with the indigenous peoples. At last, we reached an agreement to peacefully co-exist in this land, after I gave him my first and last months' rent deposit. Then the strange man probably showed me how to put fish in the ground with corn, for some reason.
Bubs: [in book] This'll grow ya some nice fishcorn bushes.
Strong Bad: [narrating] Then we celebrated with a feast of some cold Hardee's he had laying around.
Strong Bad: Listen, do you have any video games, or like, R-rated movies?
The King of Town: I have a video game.
Strong Bad: No way! Really?
The King of Town: It's the stand-up kind like in an arcade.
Strong Bad: Why didn't you say something? Let's play it!
[it turns out to be a typing tutor game]
Strong Bad: Oh, never mind.
The King of Town: How many WPMs can you type? That's words per minute, you know.
Strong Bad: You're about to get 732 fists per stomach if I'm not eating ice cream in the heck of one minute!
E-mail: Is there a story beheend the patch on the couch? If so, do tell! Form, your pal.
Strong Bad: Ooh, my pal! Well Palbert, it's a good story. And now you all have to hear it. Seems I was looking for a place to hide all my Aztec gold. But when I made the first incision, not only did I realize that I don't have any Aztec gold, but I unleashed a stench of biblical proportions. They had to call in a hazmat team just to hose me hose me hose me down! I had to spend a fortune on Glade plugins.
Strong Sad: Now wait a second! That's not how I remember it.
Strong Bad: Oh, and I'm sure every loser out there wants to hear your loser opinions, loser.
Strong Sad: They do! I seem to remember a young Strong Bad thinking that Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis was a woman. And that he was hot!
Strong Bad: That is entirely untrue.
Homestar Runner: Lies! All lies! Clearly I'm the only one who remembers how it all went down. It was not so long ago that I was in Strong Bad's basement spitting Teddy Grahams all over the place. One of them got stuck to the ceiling.
Strong Bad: Homestar, shut up! This is about that patch on the couch. It's clearly already on there in your flashback!
Homestar Runner: Oh, oh, ohhhhh. I thought this week's e-mail was entitled "Teddy Graham Memories."
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, You rock! Your are the most awesomest thing ever, but how come you made a song about fhqwhgads?
Strong Bad: Whoa. Spelled fhqwhgads right. You wouldn't believe how many I get where they're like, "Hey Strong Bad, I love your fubugrass." Or "Dear Strong Bad, where's that fuguman?" Anyways...
E-mail: Will you make a song about me? Sibbie.
Strong Bad: Ugh... You people and your demands. Look, I'm not here to fulfill your every freakin' whim, alright? Make a song about me. Send Trogdor over to my house. Put on a purple thing and dance around! Well, I've had it! I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever make a song about the sibbie.
[a beat starts playing in the background, and Strong Bad types and reads along with it]
Strong Bad: And I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever write a song about... HEY! WHAT? Where's that beat coming from?
[Strong Bad turns to the side and sees The Cheat bobbing around as he plays a keyboard]
Strong Bad: Oh, look who thinks he's Clever Dan. What are you trying to do, man? Get out of here!
The Cheat: [upset The Cheat noises; leaves]
Strong Bad: Well, that brought this email to a screeching halt. My focus is all... Krokused.
E-mail: Dear strong bad, can you please write a book about come-back jokes! Mike, Canada.
Strong Bad: [typing response] More like, *you* write a book about come-back jokes, NERD!
Strong Bad: So cool an email. I thought you would enjoy it. Ding-dong, dear Strong Bad...
Strong Bad: [to Coach Z] Hey, I always wondered, is your skin green or are you wearing a green body suit? Y'know, with footies and sockies.
Coach Z: Oh, I got footies, alright. Athlete's footies.
[Strong Bad describes one of the places he went to on vacation: Two Cars, Tennessee, via a postcard from the location]
Strong Bad: [voiceover] 'Sup, everybody? Here I am in Two Cars, Tennessee, and you know what? I kinda miss you guys and your emails. I can almost hear one of them now: "Dear Stong Bad, you are crap. Crap is the best. Everybody loves crap. Crap is in the mix. Crap is to the max. How does Homestar pick stuff up if he's not wearing any Marzi-pants? Crapfully crap, Monkey D, Seattle, Washington." Ah. Okay, I got my fix. On to the next town! Oh, and incidentally, I highly recommend Two Cars, Tennessee. It's got a real happenin' arts-and-crafts scene.
Strong Bad: ["interviewing" Homsar] Homsar, tell us about your childhood.
Strong Bad: [imitating Homsar] Daaaa, I was raised by a cup of coffee.
[it's Labor Day and everyone is celebrating with a barbecue; the entire gang, sans Strong Bad, is there]
Bubs: This is the best BBQ I've ever been BB-to.
Marzipan: I wonder why.
Homestar Runner: Hey, has anyone seen Strong Bad? I sent him an invitation.
Strong Sad: [actually smiling] Maybe it got "da-leet-ted".
Coach Z: Oh, gee, the life of the pratty!
Bubs: Three cheers for Strong Sad!
[some of the characters are learning how to draw dragons]
Strong Bad: All right. Whaddya got for me, Coach Z?
Coach Z: Take a look there. I think she's lookin' pretty good.
Strong Bad: I said *consummate* Vs! CONSUMMATE! Geez. Guy wouldn't know majesty if it came up and bit him in the face!
Coach Z: That happened once!
[Strong Mad is carving "DAGRON" into a table]
Strong Bad: Strong Mad... you just... keep doin' your thing, man.
Strong Bad: [Homsar is at a table with a piece of paper reading "Taster's Choice" in front of him]
Strong Bad: Get outta my house!
Homsar: I do what I'm told.
[Strong Sad has drawn a rather elegant-looking picture of a dragon]
Strong Bad: Aww, crap, I didn't know YOU were doing one.
Strong Sad: Oh, sure. I think I've improved on your methods a bit, too. I employed some chiaroscuro shading and...
Strong Bad: I'll improve on YOUR methods!
[pulls out a BMW lighter and burns Strong Sad's drawing]
Strong Sad: What? That's not an improvement!
Strong Bad: [walking away] Bwah ha ha ha! Trogdor strikes again!
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, why don't you and the Cheat pull a caper of some sort. It seems like there has been little cooperation between the two of you as of late. James Detroit Mi.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well, you're right. It's no secret that The Cheat and I haven't been getting along very well... since he screwed up our last caper.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat are now shown inside Homestar's house in the wee hours, trying to steal his newspaper]
Strong Bad: [to The Cheat] I don't care about the crosswords, man, just the jumbles, the jumbles!
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I don't know, go look over there.
The Cheat: [more The Cheat noises]
[the Cheat goes over to a table with a cow lamp on it]
Strong Bad: No, look out! Oh, great, man.
[the Cheat knocks the lamp over and breaks it. The lights turn on and a sleepy Homestar walks out into the room]
Homestar Runner: Hey, Strong Sad, Batman. What are you guys doing in my house?
Strong Bad: We've been ID'd! Every man for himself!
[Strong Bad and The Cheat retreat]
Homestar Runner: Thanks for stopping by, you guys. Thanks for breaking my cow lamp.
Strong Bad: I'll take Strong Bad Emails for a thousand, please.
E-mail: Strong Bad, My vcr keeps blinking 12:00 over and over. Do you have any suggestions on how to fix it? Thankyou, Corey Dewey-Smith
Strong Bad: [typing response] I had the same problem, Dewey-Smith. So I called in a professional to get the job done. Let's go see how he's dewing... um... doing.
[he then leaves to meet up with Bubs who is tinkering with a VCR]
Strong Bad: So, Bubs, how is it coming?
Bubs: Oh, hey, Strong Bad. I think I'm almost finished. It took me a little while to figure out what I was going to do.
[He steps aside to reveal what he's done]
Bubs: Then I duct-taped an alarm clock to your VCR.
Strong Bad: Duct-taped an alarm clock to the VCR. See, I never would've thought of that.
[He looks more closely at it and notices some strands of yellow hair on the tape]
Strong Bad: Okay, there's some hairs that seem to be stuck in the duct tape here. Was that on purpose?
Bubs: Oh, no. That was just left over from my first idea, which was to duct-tape The Cheat to your VCR. He wasn't into that.
Strong Bad: Oh, I could have told you that, man. Well, anyways, thanks for your help, Bubs. And thank you, Cory... Dewey-Smith. So join us next week when we'll be duct-taping clocks to all kinds of different stuff.
Strong Bad: I think my imagination's broken. Lemme try and think of the best thing ever. Um... beef... stew. Yup, it's busted alright.
Coach Z: [referring to Homestar's hat falling off, thanks to Strong Bad] Once again, I point the blame squarely at tight pants.
The King of Town: [eating a cardboard box with maple syrup and butter on it] This is some good cake!
[a bad graphics ghosts appears on the Compy's screen, but is quickly removed from it, after which new text on the screen reads:]
Compy 386: You killed the bad graphics ghost. Now Strong Sad will sing you a scary song.
[cut to Strong Sad in a dark place]
Strong Sad: [singing] Have you seen the ghost of John? Long white bones with the skin all go-o-o-one! Whoo! Whoooo! Whooo! Wouldn't it be chilly with no skin on...?
Strong Sad: Whoa, check it out. It's like I'm the master of time and space in here.
E-mail: Strong Bad, my sister and me think you are so cool. Do you have a girlfriend? There is two of us. Yours, Ali.
Strong Bad: [hushed] Oh, there's *two* of them!
[typing response; speaking seductively]
Strong Bad: Well, Ali, there's one of me...
[suddenly, the DELETED! screen appears and removes the email]
Strong Bad: [still speaking seductively] Deleted...
[snaps out of it]
Strong Bad: *DELETED*? WHAT! Wait, what happened! No! Undeleted! Undeleted!
[he types "undeleted" three times, followed by "do something" and "anything!"]
Strong Bad: I didn't mean to do that! Awwww, man! Come back, Ali! Come back, Ali's sister! You two meant everything to me!
[he pounds his head on the keyboard, somehow creating the words "head", "hit" and "keyboard" to appear]
Strong Bad: Okay, calm down. Maybe she'll email me again. I'll just hang out here for a while and try to picture which one of them is hotter. Ali or Ali's sister.
[he envisions Ali and her sister as a blonde and a brunette, respectively]
Strong Bad: Ali... Ali's sister... Ali... Ali's sister...
[the computer makes a dinging noise]
Strong Bad: Oh, there she is! Okay, here we go!
[he reads the email]
E-mail: Hello, I am write single to salute and wait for answer again.
Strong Bad: What? You're not Ali. You're not even literate. Oh, though I have just the thing for you: DELETED!
[he types DELETED!, after which the DELETED! screen appears, but with the word SAVED! instead; the computer says that the email is saved forever]
Strong Bad: Oh, that's great. Great, thank you. Yeah, go ahead and save that one, why don't you, yeah. So I can treasure it for years and years, and show it to my kids. The ones I should be having with Ali and Ali's sister! I hate this computer.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, I think the Cheat is the coolest thing ever, but why can't I understand him? Please tell the Cheat to talk normal. Sincerely, Cory, North Dakota.
Strong Bad: Whoa, the entire town of Cory, North Dakota decided to email me. That was nice of them.
[typing response; voice echoing]
Strong Bad: Citizens of Cory! Thank you for your email. Hang on. Let me get the Cheat.
[the Cheat appears behind him suddenly; Strong Bad turns around]
Strong Bad: Hey, The Cheat... Oh! The Cheat. Some town here can't understand you. Say something normal, like, er,um, uhhh... Douglas.
[the Cheat makes no noise]
Strong Bad: Douglas?
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Douglas!
The Cheat: [more The Cheat noises; then he leaves]
Strong Bad: [typing on the computer] Well, I guess you can't expect much from a furry little man who hangs out with my brother all day.
E-mail: [closing] Your Main Man, E. Fullmer.
Strong Bad: Um, Endiment? Hang on, Endiment. Just for the record, my main man is, and has been since 1987, Van Mundegaarde. And don't you forget it.
Strong Bad: Ah, the self-proclaimed King of Town. Like *you* aren't an easy target for my witty jabs and clever put-downs. Whatever will I say?
The King of Town: [noticing a cooler beside Strong Bad] Do you have anything relatively edible in that cooler?
Strong Bad: No. You're fat.
Coach Z: [noticing that Strong Bad has phony fingers on his boxing gloves] Looks like you got some type of a prawn on there...
Strong Bad: Yeah...
Coach Z: Maybe a little leg...
Strong Bad: Yup.
Coach Z: Ooh, and a candle! That's a good one.
Strong Bad: Yeah, I think that's my best one. You know, keeps-a me warm at night.
[Strong Bad has been asked via email what Strong Badia will be like in two years]
Strong Bad: I can easily predict that the population will have tripled in two years.
[he shows off Strong Badia]
Strong Bad: By then, it will be population: tire... and bundt cake pan. And Coach Z.
[a bundt cake pan and Coach Z appear in Strong Badia, Coach Z behind the fence]
Coach Z: I'm takin' a leak!
Strong Bad: I also have some good news for you single ladies out there. The cinder block is going to break up with the sign.
[the stop sign rolls away from the cinder block]
Cinder Block: [writing a letter] "Dear Stop Sign, you are a stop sign and I am a cinder block..."
[the letter disappears]
Strong Bad: Ooh, and we will also have developed a world-class hole. And by then, hopefully The Cheat will be finished with the mural I commissioned him to paint on the fence...
[a mural appears on the fence]
Strong Bad: ... like a freakin' year ago. Slowbie. Oh, yeah, the tire will have definitely won the title.
[a belt appears on the tire]
Strong Bad: And finally, Strong Sad will have actually succeeded in becoming more whiny.
[an upset Strong Sad appears in Strong Badia]
Strong Sad: [pouting] I don't like food anymore!
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, how come you never let The Cheat answer any emails? Lasko Milwaukee, WI.
[Strong Bad pronounces "WI" as "Wisacondasin"]
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well, Lasko, The Cheat is not very popular and he never really gets many emails and, um, to tell you the truth, I don't even think he has a computer.
[Strong Bad is outside, sunbathing, with a bucket of cocoa butter and another of animal lard next to him]
Strong Bad: All right, c'mon, sun, show me what you got. Don't pull no punches neither. I want the real radioactive stuff.
[the King of Town walks]
The King of Town: Oh, there it is!
Strong Bad: There what is?
The King of Town: Ooh, nothing. Hi, Strong Bad. How are you this day?
Strong Bad: Well, I was certainly better before you showed up. I'm still doing pretty good.
The King of Town: [stealing Strong Bad's cocoa butter] Oh, good. That's all I wanted to know. I guess I'll be moving on to different smell-place.
[he hurries off]
Strong Bad: What the...? Hey! He took my cocoa butter!
[the King of Town returns briefly and swipes the bucket of lard]
Strong Bad: What? Aw!
Strong Bad: [to Homestar] So, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Let me get this straight: you're betting me that you're cool.
Homestar Runner: Yep, I'm cool.
Strong Bad: And if you're not cool, you have to change your name to Kevin DuBrow. But if you are cool, I gotta spend the night over at The King of Town's?
Homestar Runner: That's the deal, man. The total deal.
Strong Bad: You're goin' down, son.
Homestar Runner: No ways.
Strong Bad: All right, let's see you be's cool.
Homestar Runner: [donning a pair of sunglasses] 'Sup?
Strong Bad: [taking this in] Oh, CRAP!
Strong Bad: [entering the King of Town's castle] Is the coast clear?
The King of Town: The coast is toast.
Coach Z: [introducing the Strong Sad Look-Alike Contest] So without further ado, I'd like to introduce the man of the hour, the deathly pallor: Strong Sad!
[Strong Sad walks up]
The King of Town: [offscreen] Boo!
Strong Sad: Thank you! Thank you! I'm simultaneously honored and insulted to be involved in this contest for the fourth time in a row.
Coach Z: [shoving Strong Sad aside] That's enough there, Strong Sad. Your work is done here.
Homestar Runner: Are you sick and tired of playing second-fiddle to a two bit wrestle man and his yellow dog?
Homestar Runner: Are you ready to fight alongside your "Col-onel" and give your five bucks to the Homestarmy if it comes to that?
Homestar Runner: Do you wanna paint that fence some other cool color and put a fake beard on that tire?
[nothing happens; the camera reveals Homestar is talking to Strong Sad, Homsar, a popcorn popper and a painting of a Rambo-type character. Strong Sad is holding a tape player]
Strong Sad: Oh, sorry. Forgot to rewind.
[he rewinds the player and the crowd noise plays on it]
Homsar: You gotta get yours, I gotta get mine.
E-mail: Dear Stong Bad, what are some cool ways to spell different words? Example, fat = phat. Matt.
Strong Bad: Oh, you mean like Strong = Stong? You seem to like that one. How 'bout this? Matt = MATT!
[Strong Bad types "Matt = DELETED!", after which the usual DELETED! screen appears, only instead of saying DELETED!, it says MATT!]
[one of Strong Bad's emails was banned in the U.K., because it offended the royals and Strong Bad has been charged with verbal crimes against the crown. He and The Cheat are at a press conference]
British Man: Strong Bad, how do you respond to claims that your comments brought the entire royal family to tears?
The Cheat: [soft The Cheat noises to Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: [clears his throat] Screw all y'all.
British Man: Cor blimey!
[a picture of Strong Bad and The Cheat is taken]
Second British Man: [Brummie accent] I can't believe he said that.
E-mail: Hi Strong Bad, I'm from England. What do you think of the English? Thank you, Mark.
Strong Bad: Uh, gee, Mark, if you're really from England, shouldn't you have some sort of unnecessary vowel at the end of your name?
[Strong Bad adds an "e" to Mark's name]
Strong Bad: And what is this "thank you"?
[he erases the word "Thank you"]
Strong Bad: Whatever happened to "Cheers" or "Cheerio" or "Nevermind the Bullocks"?
[he replaces "Thank you" with these words as he says them]
Strong Bad: Call yourself English? Well, anyways, what do I think of the English, huh? Oh, I'll *tell* you what I think of the English!
[Strong Bad gets cut off by a BANNED IN THE UK sign]
Strong Bad: Ohh! Electronic mail!
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, my girlfriend is really annoying because she calls me when I'm trying to study. What should I do? Crapfully yours, Roy.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Oh, well! I think I might have a little piece of advice for you, Roy.
Strong Bad: Close the book and quit being such a dork-on!
Strong Bad: I mean, this girl obviously has the hots for you, man. Why do you think she's calling you? I mean, you've got the potential here to get 1st, 2nd, and quite possibly even 3rd base. So unless you're studying a book called "This Book is Better than 1st, 2nd, and Quite Possibly Even 3rd Base", I suggest you hightail it over to your girlfriend's house ASAP, man! And also, send me a copy of that book. Because this sounds pretty good. You know what... scratch that. You keep studying, Roy, *I'm* going over to your girlfriend's house.
[he gets up from his seat and runs out of the room. Then, after several seconds, he returns to his seat]
Strong Bad: Um, I forgot. I don't know her name or where she lives, but your girlfriend still loves me, Roy.
Strong Sad: [advertising the Ab-Abber 2000; reading off a teleprompter] Since using Strong Bad's Ab-Abber 2000, the ladies have been all up ons.
Strong Sad: All up ons? I don't know what that means!
Strong Bad: Well, Strong Sad, it means they really like you.
Strong Sad: But they don't! Especially now with all this Sharpie on my stomach.
Strong Bad: Just read the lines, man.
[he holds up a plush lobster]
Strong Bad: Do you wanna see Gooblies again or not?
Strong Sad: You leave Gooby out of this!
Strong Bad: Mmmmm... fresh emails...
E-mail: Strong Bad, How do I deal with the office dullard? Jason.
Strong Bad: [typing response] I'm glad you came to me, Jason. The office dullard is a clever foe. But there are ways you can beat him. Here are a few of my tried and true methods.
[one of the methods is shown at an office cubicle. Strong Bad is sitting in the cubicle and Homestar walks up behind him]
Homestar Runner: Hey, man, what's up? Good time, bad time?
[Strong Bad hastily grabs up a phone on the desk and pretends to talk on it]
Strong Bad: Oh! Oh, oh! Yes, yes, yes... Uh, so no, I'm still here, yes. Working hard. I've been synergizing all morning...
[to Homestar, whispering]
Strong Bad: I'm not going to be able to talk right now, man.
[Homestar mouths, "Ohhh..." and leaves, while Strong Bad resumes "talking" on the phone]
Strong Bad: Right... Yes... Multitasking...
[Strong Bad's own computer is having problems, so he checks his email on The Cheat's computer instead]
E-mail: What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? -Marie.
[the Cheat brings up a "compose" icon on his computer for Strong Bad to respond]
Strong Bad: [typing response] Okay, Marie, I'll tell you, but you gotta understand... The day before, all I had to eat was like... 13 pudding pops, okay? So the whole dream was just a picture of... Well, lemme show you.
[he brings up a picture of a map of the United States in a pair of briefs]
The Cheat: [surprised The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: The United States in tight, White Brand underdrawers. Briefly, let's discuss what this dream means.
Strong Bad: No, really, you guys can interpret this one how you want. Me, I blame the pudding pops. Okay, so... Maybe I shouldn't have shared that with you guys. Uh... See you next week.
Strong Bad: How's it goin', Texas?
[Strong Bad has been prompted via email to glue Strong Sad's hands to his face, which he does]
Strong Sad: [his hands glued to his face] Ah! I'm blind! My prayers have finally been answered. Oh, wait, my hands are just glued to my face. Oh well, I'll take that.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat are watching from a distance]
Strong Bad: Oh, man! He likes it! Okay, go to Plan B.
[the Cheat salutes and takes in a bucket of red ants into Strong Sad's room]
[Strong Bad tried, but failed, to get The Cheat to talk normally by saying, "Douglas". He calls on Strong Mad]
Strong Bad: Hey, Strong Ma...
[he sees Strong Mad standing by him already]
Strong Bad: Whoa! Strong Mad. Say "Douglas."
Strong Mad: DUH!
Strong Bad: Douglas?
Strong Mad: DUH!
Strong Bad: [emphatically] Douglas!
Strong Mad: DUH?
Strong Bad: Oh, what's this? An email? For me?
E-mail: What would you do if a little animal came up to you. Crapfully yours, Ashley and Anthony.
Strong Bad: [typing on the computer] Um, I don't really know. Let's find out. Oh, The Cheat! Come here for a moment!
[the Cheat walks up]
The Cheat: [the Cheat noise]
Strong Bad: Um...
[after a beat, Strong Bad kicks The Cheat away; back to the computer]
Strong Bad: So, there's your answer. A little animal comes up to me... I'd kick it. Okay, so until next week, everything is awesome and...
[Strong Mad and The Cheat walk up, both looking very furious; the former gnashing his teeth at Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: [suddenly nervous] Oh, uh, hey, big guy. Er, you know, I was just kicking The Cheat. Er, it's a little joke. You know we got the people watching at home. Just trying to be kind of funny for 'em, with the joke. The joke-kick...
Strong Bad: I'MA KICK YOU, TOO!
[Strong Bad kicks Strong Mad in the knee; Strong Mad roars and chases Strong Bad around the room]
[Strong Bad is out fishing with Coach Z]
Coach Z: Say, Strong Bad, what type of lure are you usin' there?
Strong Bad: Well, this morning, Coach, I've been mostly using this one.
[he looks down into the water and calls]
Strong Bad: Hey, fish! Hey, fish! I'm gonna... I'm gonna recommend that you guys come up here in the boat. We've got a, uh, a keg! Of worms! And, uh... phytoplankton! Come on! Anybody who's everybody is up in here!
Coach Z: I don't think that's gonna work with a stocked pond. You got any type of jig you could try on there?
Strong Bad: Oh, yeah. I got this jig.
[he sings and does a hip-swiveling dance]
Strong Bad: Come on and get in the boat, fish! Come on and get in the boat, fish, fish! Come on and get in the boat, fish!
[some fish jump into the boat]
Strong Bad: Get in the boat!
Coach Z: Oh! They got in the boat! Fish, fish!
Strong Bad: Gimme some of this and gimme some of thiiiiis... Gimme some of this.
E-mail: Hey Strong Bad, How's it hanging? Last weekend I almost drank a one that was not cold. Has this ever happened to you? Dan Waters, Dallas, TX.
Strong Bad: Aw, Dan, you dodged a bullet, man. Because lemme tell you... a One that is not cold, is scarcely a One at all. Allow me to demonstrate with one of my bogus mathematical theorems. I call it "The Property of Ones." It goes like this: The ONEitude is directly proportional to the Colditude of the ONE. So you got that, Dan? The colder it is, the more of a one it is. Because you don't want to end up with a Cold None. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. But now in foreign lands, they've been known to drink Not So Cold Ones, Room Temperature Ones, and even Warm Ones. Whoa! But where I come from, it's CUH-HOLD ONES. Though I have to admit, on certain evenings in late spring, a Cool One can be very refreshing. Ooh... That's a good One.
[an invisible Strong Bad is stealing some of Bubs' Swiss Cake Rolls]
Bubs: My chocolates! Come back, chocolates! I didn't mean what I said!
Strong Bad: [trying to get Homestar to say "Fhqwhgads"] Fhqwhgads.
Homestar Runner: Fubugrass.
Strong Bad: Say it with a flourish: Fhqwhgads.
Homestar Runner: Fooboomagoo.
Strong Bad: It doesn't sound like it looks. Fhqwhgads.
Coach Z: Forhorglingrads!
Strong Bad: Coach Z, I thought I asked you to leave, like, an hour ago.
Strong Mad: DOUGLAS!
Strong Bad: Whoa! We've had a breakthrough! You get a gold star.
Strong Bad: [singing] I got an email. I got an awesome email.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, if you had three wishes, what would the second one be? Much crap, Brandon Hofer, Judson College, Elgin, IL.
Strong Bad: Geez, I didn't need your freaking life story, man.
Strong Bad: Oh, that's an easy one Brandon. Horns. No question. I'd wish for a pair of horns. Here, check it out.
[draws and holds up a picture of himself with horns]
Strong Bad: Look at how great I would look, man. So majestic, yet so wicked awesome. Like I could maybe go on tour with some heavy metal band and like be their mascot, you know, and come out on stage, and have some type of laser fight with the lead singer and all the fans will go nuts. Oh man, that would be great.
[he puts the picture down]
Strong Bad: Okay, you guys, so until next week, it's not required that you sign your email, "Crapfully yours," or "With a bunch of crap," or "Crap in the times," or "Crap is so great," "Everything is crap," "My middle name is Crapperson." You know, you could just put "Sincerely"... or "Yours truly," is another good one. Come on, guys. I'll still read 'em.
[a jingle for The Cheatcakes plays]
Singers: Only liars and thieves eat Grumblecakes, and those people go to prison. Just ask The Cheat.
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises] Those people go to prison!
Strong Bad: Checkin' my email, checkin' my email, checkin'-checkin'-checkin'-checkin' my email.
E-mail: Dear Mr. Bad, How do you know if someone's butt is stupid? I mean, is there like some kind of IQ test? Crapfully yours, Tyler.
Strong Bad: Oh, come on, Tyler! Don't you remember your algebra, man? It's called the Transitive Butt Property. And it clearly states that the stupidity of somebody's butt is greater than or equal to the stupidity of that person's head.
[brings up a bad graphics picture of Homestar]
Strong Bad: So, take our friend Homestar Runner for instance.
Strong Bad: Look at his stupid head! Look at how stupid his head is. Okay, so you can easily infer from this that because he has such a stupid head, that easily his butt is going to be at least as stupid if not stupider. So there you have it. Okay, so until next time, on a scale from one to awesome, I'm super great.
Strong Bad: [singing] I'm gonna check my email all of the time, doo doo doo...
Strong Bad: "Hi Strong Bad, if you hate Homsar so much, why don't you kill him? From Vinnie C." You know what, Vinnie? You're right. I'll be right back.
[Strong Bad gets up from the computer desk and goes out to an open field where Homsar stands]
Strong Bad: Hey, Homsar!
Homsar: Uh, deah, what is it, Strong Ba-yad?
[after a beat, a weight labeled "Heavy Lourde" falls out of the sky and crushes Homsar, while Strong Bad returns to his computer]
Strong Bad: [typing] Oh man, Vinnie. That feels so much better. Thanks a lot!
Strong Bad: Okay, so until next time, keep sending me your questions, and I will keep making fun of your punctuation and spelling. I mean, answer them.
E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strong Bad, how do you type with boxing gloves on? Mike, Bend Oregon.
Strong Bad: Oh, that's a new one. No way do I get this freaking question all the time. I suppose I'll probably answer it right now!
[DELETED! appears on screen]
Strong Bad: DELETED!
[Strong Bad gets caught by The Cheat criticizing the latter's email fans]
Strong Bad: So you been... watching the email, huh?
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: No, I haven't been holding out on you. I made all those emails up. Most of the emails you get are not that friendly, let me tell you. If you just turn around for a second, I could show you...
[quickly slaps a scrap of paper to his computer with "The Cheat" written on it over where Strong Bad's name appears]
Strong Bad: Huttah!
[brings up an email]
Strong Bad: [reading email] DEAR The Cheat, WHERE THE HECK IS YOU SHIRT? YOUR GLOVES ARE STUPID! I HATE YOU, Holmes, California.
[turns to The Cheat]
Strong Bad: See? This guy doesn't like that you don't have a shirt on, and he thinks your gloves are stupid.
[brings up another email]
Strong Bad: And then there's this one:
Strong Bad: Dear The Cheat, how do you type with boxing gloves on your hands? Derek.
[stops reading; back to The Cheat]
Strong Bad: I've been wondering about that, too. What's with you and those boxing gloves, anyway?
The Cheat: [grumpy The Cheat noises; walks off]
The Cheat: So, okay, bye!
Strong Bad: [singing] Checkin' emails is like the best thing I do.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, do you like making out? Because my boyfriend won't... mostly because he's jealous of you. I've tried the whole Peter Frampton thang, but nothing seems to work out. Please help me Strong Bad... Kissless in Santa Rosa.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well, Kissless, you're going about it all wrong. Frampton's not going to loosen anybody's lips. If you really want to make out with this guy, you need to go straight to the master of make out rock himself... ME! So here's what you do: You wait til he comes home, then light a few candles and maybe have a glass of wine. And then put on my hit single "You're Really Ugly, But There's Nobody Cute Around." I'll tell you what, he'll be all over you like the King of Town on a Chinese buffet, man.
Strong Bad: Alright, so until next time, send me more questions. SEND ME MORE QUESTIONS!
Strong Bad: I check, you check, we all check for email, check an email...
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, tell Strong Sad he is dumb and a crappy guy. Your fan, Anthony from South Gate CA.
[Strong Bad gets up and goes into Strong Sad's room, where he is making a greeting card]
Strong Bad: Hey, stupid! You know some guy named Anthony from South Gate?
Strong Sad: Oh, yeah.
[holds up the card]
Strong Sad: I was just making him this card and gonna send him a hundred dolla...
Strong Bad: Yeah, well, he says you're dumb and a crappy guy.
[Strong Bad leaves]
Strong Sad: [disappointed] Ohh...
[Strong Sad starts tearing the card up; Strong Bad returns to his computer]
Strong Bad: [typing on the computer] Look, Anthony, as much as I like insulting my stupid kid brother, I'm not your freaking message service, alright? Next time, you email him yourself. His email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
Strong Bad: Okay, so until next time, everybody email that guy! What guy? Me! Everybody email that guy!
Strong Bad: Hoo! Cha! Cheritiza! Hooritajuzu-duh-email!
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, why are you so mean to the guy with the big white face and gray body? Jen C from Millbrae, CA.
Strong Bad: [typing] Big, white face and gray body? Who is she talking about? Hang on a second.
[brings up various pictures of Homestar characters as he says:]
Strong Bad: Is she talking about Marzipan? No, her head is... more like a baseball bat. Maybe Bubs? No. Bubs is definitely of the blue-headed persuasion. Homestar's got the white head, but... his body's just kinda that red skirt. Strong Mad doesn't really have a head or a body. And The Cheat's physiology just plain baffles me.
[after looking at all the pictures, he comes on one of the Poopsmith]
Strong Bad: The Poopsmith? Oh, the Poopsmith! Why would she think he has a gray body? Maybe her monitor isn't calibrated right. Or maybe she's, like, on one of those old black and white monitors.
[he converts his computer to an old black-and-white Macintosh layout]
Strong Bad: That's it!
[converts his computer back; typing]
Strong Bad: Yeah, maybe I am a little hard on that guy. I should do something nice for him.
[Strong Bad leaves and Strong Sad enters]
Strong Sad: Just on my way to do some stuff...
[sees Strong Bad's computer and the email on it]
Strong Sad: Oh! What's this say?
[reads the email]
Strong Sad: Finally, my comeuppance has arrived! I should go wait somewhere inconspicuous and act none the wiser.
E-mail: DEAR STRONG BAD, IS IT HARD TO FLIP SOMEONE OFF WITH BOXING GLOVES ON? VERY CRAPFULLY: PHYLO D.
Strong Bad: Uh, not really, man.
[holds up one boxing glove-clad hand]
Strong Bad: I'm flippin' you off right now. Of course, there's other ways to give somebody the finger.
[puts his hand behind his back]
Strong Bad: Oh, check it out, behind the back.
[waves his hand in circles]
Strong Bad: Oh, around the world. And my personal favorite...
[holds up both arms]
Strong Bad: Psssshhh! The double deuce!
[to Pom Pom]
Strong Bad: What's your favorite, Pom Pom?
[Pom Pom holds up one hand]
Strong Bad: Ah, Pom Pom likes the single deuce.
[Homestar walks up]
Strong Bad: Hey, Homestar!
[flips his hand to Homestar]
Homestar Runner: Hey, right back at you, Strong Bad!
Strong Bad: He just gave me the bird!
[Pom Pom bubbles in laughter]
Strong Bad: That wasn't funny, man! That'll hurt a guy's feelings.
Strong Bad: Okay, so until next week, send me your email. I will more than likely flip you off.
Strong Bad: [after reading email closing: "Steve Victoria, BC"] BC? Whoa! This is an old freakin' email. Most of the emails I get are ADs. And the occasional JD. Wow. I wonder if it was written on, like, a stone tablet. Or maybe some, uh, papyrus.
[another methods for beating the office dullard is shown. Strong Bad is sitting in the cubicle and Homestar stands behind him]
Homestar Runner: Once I finish my second run, you know, I'll have a smoothie or something, and then I head to the gym, and do, I've been doing about three sets of reps a piece, and then one...
Strong Bad: Psssh!
[Strong Bad flips Homestar the Single Deuce, but Homestar only looks surprised for a moment]
Homestar Runner: Yeah... So, how much can you bench?
[Strong Bad decides to take a break from checking emails and watch TV instead]
Strong Bad: Oh, this is the one where the guy's mom shows the guy's girlfriend the pictures of the guy when he was a baby.
Voice on TV: [sounding offended] MOM!
Strong Bad: Oh, the embarrassment.
[Strong Sad then appears, listening to something on an iPod]
Strong Sad: [singing] ... never, ever, ever, ever, ever write a song about Sibbie.
Strong Bad: Hey! Shut up! Where'd you hear that?
Strong Sad: Geez, I don't know, some song I downloaded off the Internet.
Strong Bad: What? Ugh. I gotta get out of here.
Strong Sad: [resumes singing] And I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever...
Strong Bad: [reading email closing: "From, Taylor R., Queen Creek, AZ"] "From Taylor R., Queens Creek, Alcatraz". Whoa. Somebody on the inside. Get out soon, Taylor.
[Strong Bad is asked via email what he would be like if he was in a video game and what that video game would be like]
Strong Bad: What would I be like in a video game? Well, that all depends on what system we're talking about. Like, if it was on one of those really old machines...
[Strong Bad is shown in an Atari 2600-style game as a simple red square]
Strong Bad: ... the graphics would probably only look *kinda* like me. And I'd run all around a futuristic maze collecting things that look nothing like me. Man, that'd be pretty awesome.
Strong Sad: [to Strong Bad, who is holding a cake behind him] Oh, hey, Strong Bad.
Strong Bad: Hey, wiggidy-wiener.
Strong Sad: Did you have something you wanted to tell me?
Strong Bad: Um... you're the wiggidy-wiener?
Strong Sad: No, not that. What are you holding behind your back?
Strong Bad: Um, a single deuce?
[holds up a boxing glove-clad hand]
Strong Bad: Dooj?
Strong Sad: No, your other back.
Strong Bad: A cake for the Poopsmith? Dooj?
[throws the cake in Strong Sad's face]
Strong Bad: Aw, look what you made me do! Now I gotta make The Cheat make me another cake.
Strong Sad: [cake in his face] I wish I could say this was the first time that this has happened to me... today.
Strong Bad: Oh, man! Email! Ugh!
E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strong Bad, I am the president of a fraternity, and I was wondering if you would come to our next party. It's gonna be a theme party, so it won't happen for awhile, until we can think of a good theme. Can you think of one? Thanks. Matt, Rochester, NY.
Strong Bad: [typing] Look fratty, I'm not comin' to your party. But I do have a pretty good idea for the theme. I think you guys should throw a "FRAT PARTY."
Strong Bad: Yeah.
Strong Bad: And you could all come in baseball hats from the college that you go to. And khaki pants with a tucked-in t-shirt from the party that you threw last month. And at some point get the guy with kinda long hair to whip out his acoustic guitar and play everybody some white blues. And then you could get a couple of kegs of cheap cold ones and invite a buncha skinny blonde girls... Woah.
Strong Bad: This party's sounding pretty good, actually.
Strong Bad: Count me in, bra.
Strong Bad: So I guess I'm goin' to this frat party. That's pretty hilarious. Well, see ya next week.
[Strong Bad has placed a security camera in Strong Badia]
Strong Bad: Everything seems to be in order in Strongbadi...
[the Cheat walks up and looks around]
Strong Bad: Oh! Perfect timing. Check out my security counter-measures.
[the Cheat touches the resident tire and gets zapped]
The Cheat: [the Cheat-type screaming] MAAAAHH!
[gets miffed; suddenly a cutout of a bear holding a shark pops up from behind the fence]
The Cheat: [screaming louder and running away, terrified] MAAAAAAHHH!
Strong Bad: [laughing] Look at the little guy run! The Cheat totally freaks out whenever he sees a bear holding a shark.
Strong Bad: [reading email] "Hi, Strong Bad. This is Trevor from Hampden, Maine and I was wondering if you could teach me how to be as awesome as you. I am a vampire and..."
Strong Bad: And what? That's it? I'm a vampire and here's a million dollars... Or I'm a vampire and here's your own spaceship... I mean, what the f...
[suddenly stops typing]
Strong Bad: Oh, no, I get it.
Strong Bad: THEY GOT HIM! Somebody stuck him with a stake through the heart! Oh, this is so sad! Oh, Trevor, I pine for you.
Homestar Runner: [kicking Marzipan in the shins] Hey, Marzipan, can you feel that?
Homestar Runner: What is that?
Marzipan: Well, you're kicking me in the shins.
Homestar Runner: Oh, I think I'd remember something like that.
Strong Bad: [having been asked via email from Steve, Victoria, BC, on why The Cheat is a diligent lackey] The Cheat is a good lackey because he "knows what's best" and "doesn't want to get left by the side of the road during a thunderstorm" or "taped to Pom Pom again". It probably also has to do with the fact that I "treat him like a brother that's not Strong Sad" instead of a "little yellow squeaky thing that some-the-times steals my ladytypes". I also pay him real nice. Which isn't very difficult considering The Cheat "thinks pencil shavings are legal tender". Check it out...
[sharpens a pencil, leaving some fresh pencil shavings]
Strong Bad: Hey, The Cheat!
[the Cheat comes up]
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I'll pay you all these precious pencil shavings if you go pilfer me a cantaloupe from Marzipan's melon patch.
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises; runs off]
Strong Bad: Ahhhh, look at him go. So excited, so naive...
[pronounces "naive" as "knave"; The Cheat returns with a cantaloupe]
Strong Bad: Whoa, super service! Thanks man. You can go back to whatever you were doin'.
The Cheat: [impatient The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Oh, right. Your "payment". Here ya go!
[puts the pencil shavings on The Cheat's head]
The Cheat: [grateful The Cheat noises; leaves]
Strong Bad: Aw, that's almost adorable.
Strong Bad: And coming in at number 91, it's...
Strong Bad: ...e-maaaaaaaaaaail!
E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strong Bad, it must be really annoying living with someone as whiny as Strong Sad. Why don't you slip him some caffeine? Justin Murfreesboro, TN.
[Strong Bad pronounces "TN" as "Tekken"]
Strong Bad: [typing; laughs] Oh-ho-ho-ho! Devilish laugh. Dear Justin, in addition to the cut of your jib, I likes the sound of your town. Murfreesboro. But we got the All-Wide Science Fair just around the corner and I've been straining for a project. So far all's I've come up with is the effects of gasoline. On fire.
[Strong Bad then goes to pour two spoonfuls of coffee into a glass of orange juice and stirs them both in]
Strong Bad: So, I figure I just drop a couple of heaping spoonfuls of Sanka into Strong Sad's orange juice and collect the ensuing data. I'll definitely get first place. And who knows? I might even win me a Nobel Peace-y Prize.
[Strong Bad is now seen holding a legal pad to write on; he speaks to Strong Sad, who is now juiced up on caffeine]
Strong Bad: So Strong Sad, tell me, how do you feel?
Strong Sad: [speaking very quickly and clapping his hands together] I feel great! I feel great! I feel great! I feel bad! I don't even watch football! I don't even watch football! I can't remember my legs!
Bubs: [the Cheat is buying a hobby kit from Bubs] Your total comes out to fifteen tooty-two.
[the Cheat places several pencil shavings on the counter]
Bubs: [looking at pencil shavings] What's this malarkey?
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises, pointing to a sign]
[Bubs notices the sign, which says they will accept cash and money, with a scrap of paper taped on that says "pencil shavings"]
Bubs: Well, if it's on the sign... Nice doin' business with ya.
[the Cheat leaves, taking the hobby kit with him]
[Strong Bad had cheated in a race against Homestar, by having The Cheat knock him out, but everyone else is more concerned about Homestar's safety; they gather around the unconscious Homestar]
Marzipan: Homestar... Homestar, can you hear me? Wake up!
Homestar Runner: [coming to, but still out of it] Huh?
[looks at everyone surrounding him]
The King of Town: You okay there, Homestar?
[Homestar shakes his head, then looks at Marzipan, who, from his perspective, is dressed as a princess]
Marzipan: What's wrong, Homestar? You're looking at me kind of funny.
Homestar Runner: ...Huh?
[looks at Pom Pom, who, from his perspective, is dressed as a monk]
Homestar Runner: Huh?
[looks at Strong Sad and The Poopsmith; Strong Sad, from Homestar's perspective, is dressed as a nun]
Strong Sad: Are you okay, my child?
Homestar Runner: [suddenly standing up] Hold! Whilst thy banter is the freshest of any month-old fruit, I must away, you popinjays! I'm off to find me lute, forsooth!
[Homestar runs off as Marzipan and Pom Pom look on]
Marzipan: What the crap was that?