Bud Newman: [about the elves, thinking they are short toymakers]
Sylvia Newman: Well, they are petit.
Bud Newman: Tom Cruise is petit, these guys are short! What's the deal?
Scott Calvin: Have you ever been to this part of Canada?
Bud Newman: We got as far as Rochester in upstate New York to see Sylvia's sister in '67, but no.
Scott Calvin: They can't help the way they look up here. It's a bit rude to make fun of an entire country, don't you think?
Mother Nature: Jack Frost, You are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii. You made it snow in the Amazon. And you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter. You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.
Jack Frost: Excuse me... Did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious.
Scott Calvin: Oh, please.
Jack Frost: Guilty as charged.
Mrs. Claus: Oh, Scott - - it's time.
Scott Calvin: [checks his watch] Oh, about 10 o' clock.
Mrs. Claus: No, it's time to deliver the package.
Scott Calvin: No... midnight, as usual.
Mrs. Claus: No, it's time to deliver **the package**.
Scott Calvin: [looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization] It's time to deliver the PACKAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!
Scott Calvin: [Comet passes gas] Comet! Next time we fly, go easy on the alfalfa, will you?
[Comet resumes passing gas]
Elf pianist: [playing "Theme from New York, New York" in an pleasingly expert but slightly "cheesy" honky-tonk style, indicating how Christmas at the Pole has deteriorated to the point where the traditional innocent childhood wonder and wholesome magic of the season is all but gone, and has become debauchedly commercialized and chintzy] Dunp-dunp, dye-duh-dunpuh; dunp-dunp, dye-duh-dunpuh; dunp-dunp, dye-duh-dunp, dunnh...
Jack Frost: [in a ridiculously loud booming tone and bombastic self-important style that makes him look like an overgrown puffed-up idiot] Start spreadin' th' news... by jet or by sleighhhh... You wanna be a part of it - - North Pole, North Pole... You snooze and you loooose... so come here to PLAYYYY... here at the VERY HEART OF IT - - North Pole, North Pole... come see the SNOWMAN... up where NO MAN's without a treeeeat... And watch this KING OF THE CHILL - - HA! - - turn up the heeeeat... Ah-those-ah summuhtime bluuuues... are MELTing awayyyy... although it's FIFTY-FIVE BELOW... at Polar Norrrth... You'll zip your - - PARKA tight... sugar plum trees - - LATE AT night... It's all for YOU - - North Pole, North Pole. You'll wanna WAKE UP in the RESORT that never sleeeeeps... and watch this king of the chill, inventive control, DOing his THING at the TOP of the POLE... If you can MAKE IT HERE... the world's all... CHRISTMAS CHEER...
Elf pianist: [groans at the absurdity of this last statement, since he and the other elves are feeling anything but cheerful with Jack Frost in charge]
- - holiday GOLD... North POLE... NOOOORRRTH POLLLLLE!
Jack Frost: [after Santa's pants catch on fire] Is there anything I can do to help?
Scott Calvin: Yeah, put a chill on my bottom, will ya?
Jack Frost: [turns his head away slowly]
Jack Frost: [returning to reality after not being Santa] Well, that didn't go the way I thought it would.
Mother Nature: [to Jack Frost] You made it snow in Mexico sending all the birds north for the winter.
Easter Bunny: And you kill fruit.
Jack Frost: [to Scott] You get the Coca-Cola cans, you get the TV specials and what do I get? A few runny noses and some dead citrus.
Scott Calvin: I thought the idea was to give them the sleeping powder when we got them in the car.
Sandman: I just couldn't listen to the Yosemite story again.
Mother Nature: Sandman!
[slams fist on table]
Sandman: [wakes up suddenly] I'm up. I'm up.
Jack Frost: You're not Santa anymore. You're just the guy who smells like a cookie.
Jack Frost: [as Santa] You were the one who said 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'.
Scott Calvin: What'd you say?
[turns on recorder pen]
Jack Frost: 'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'. Who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's mama?
Bud Newman: [about the door he's sanding] As smooth as a baby's butt, feel it.
Scott Calvin: [feels it] Oh yeah, very butt-like.
Bud Newman: They're elves! They're not little Canadians, they're really elves!
Bud Newman: [after putting out an oven fire] What's the matter with you people? Dont't you realize you were an inch away from Armageddon?
Jack Frost: I'll get a mop!
Father Time: Frost, you herald a season. You're not a holiday.
Tooth Fairy: You're the best friend, not the leading man.
Easter Bunny: And you kill fruit!
Scott Calvin: Hahaha-hohohoho! The answer is in the question; How are we going to do this, my Dad thinks you're a toy maker in Canada.
Scott Calvin: Canada! It's North, in North America, Eh! Vinegar on their French fries, they sit on their Chesterfield to watch the hockey game, shoot the puck Daddy-o!
Sylvia Newman: Everybody's just so petite.
Bud Newman: No, Tom Cruise is petite. These people are short.
Jack Frost: [floundering about in a deep pile of jumbled presents after having been body-blocked off the stage by Santa] I'm gonna KICK THE COAL outta whoever did that!