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Halfway into the 00's, it looks as if CBS is trying to bring back what was a regular event on broadcast TV in the 70's and 80's -- the totally lame low budget TV-movie.
While I don't watch movies or shows that are appalling to me (thus explaining why I watched "Locusts" rather than "Desperate Housewives"), I am entertained by pictures that I find ridiculous. I only caught the last half-hour of CBS' last hastily served pseudo-big event, "Spring Break Shark Attack," and only the young that hasn't seen "Jaws" didn't know what that movie was before seeing it. Whatta hoot. Like "SBSA", the scenes in "Locusts" are eminently predictable.
As my summary above indicates, I really do miss Mike, Joel, Servo and Crow cracking wise at the inanity of movies like "Locusts." Prime scenes for their barbs would have been (SPOILERS!): the opening one where the assistant, showing off for her bug-fearing boyfriend, goes into the chamber full of locusts without putting on a jumpsuit; the following scene with the semi-naked Lucy Lawless (sing the National Anthem again for us, Lucy!) cutting short what should have been a romantic interlude with her chiseled-torsoed boyfriend (played by the wooden Dylan Neal), who whines like a child about how her prestigious Washington position takes her from his bed; the school bus scene when the daughter of the locusts' breeder calls for her daddy; the meeting with the USDA and the Dept. of Homeland Security, in which Lawless briefs a panel wearing full dress uniforms while she is dressed in skin-tight jeans; the inevitable expression of remorse from the entomologist, prior to his bloody demise; the scene in the Pittsburgh office, with the b-day party being interrupted by a picture window full of bugs (plus the revelation that the office hunk is even wimpier than Lawless' bf); the scene in the chopper when Lawless declares she's hormonal due to her pregnancy, and just might kill everyone in the chopper if the DHS doesn't change its drastic plan; the climactic kiss that is interrupted by the buzzing of the swarm; and just about every scene in which people are warned about the locusts' pending arrival -- first, they're in denial; minutes later, they're running for their lives.
I gave this movie three stars for each of the three best things about "Locusts": the eye candy. Her Lawlessness herself, the "MILF"-ish Natalia Nogulich, and the birthday girl from the office, the sexy, magnetic, and buxom Azure Dawn, who, according to her IMDb page, is going to be in CBS' upcoming "Elvis" mini-series as "sequined actress." I can hardly wait!
Keep an eye out for Azure Dawn in the future. On second thought, keep both eyes out. You don't want to miss anything!
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