Larten Crepsley: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I am so excited to be here in an anonymous small town that used to have character but is now just a bland suburb filled with chain stores and surrounded by slums.
[awkward silence in audience]
Larten Crepsley: It really is a pleasure to be here. And I am SO honoured that bla bla bla and so on and so forth and etcetera ad nauseum.
Larten Crepsley: Life may be meaningless, but I have real hopes for death.
Larten Crepsley: Nice night, actually...
[points up, causing Darren to look away]
Larten Crepsley: Is that the Little Dipper or the Big one? I can never remember it.
[Breaks Darren's neck]
Larten Crepsley: Sorry about that. I had to do that, or they would never believe you were dead. Don't worry; there's no damage to your spinal cord. And I'll sneak into the funeral home and fix your broken neck. Oh and... Sorry for this next part.
Evra the Snake Boy: [Embarrassed after shaking Darren's hand and leaving some skin behind] Sorry about that, shedding. Itches like crazy.
Darren Shan: [slightly disturbed] ... right...
Evra the Snake Boy: [scratches head sheepishly] Better go wash that, before you get pink eye...
Mr. Shan: College! Job! Family! And one day, if you're really lucky, you'll be standing here yelling at a teenager of your own
Gavner Purl: There are no real generals left anymore Hombre! You and I, we're the last of the Mo-Freakins!
Mr. Tall: [Whisper kind of voice] Are you boys 21? Are you 21?... Say yes!
Darren Shan: Yeah.
Mr. Tall: [Same whisper voice] Good, you don't have a tendency towards panic, sudden cardiac arrest, or crippling anxiety do you?... Say no!
Darren Shan: No.
Mr. Tall: Good, go right in, the show is about to start.
Steve: If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go... wait... my bad it's backwards. If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live!
Larten Crepsley: [after Darren enters his room and turns on the light] Nice room. Some excellent reading material you have here. Thought this was on the internet now.
Darren Shan: Mine's blocked.
Larten Crepsley: I don't want you leaving camp anymore.
Darren Shan: Why not?
Larten Crepsley: Because I said so.
Darren Shan: You're not my dad you can't tell me what to do.
Larten Crepsley: [vampire pimp slap]
Larten Crepsley: Your mouth says no, but your beard says yes.
Madame Truska: You don't love me anymore... Its my beard.
Darren Shan: [In Murlaugh's bag with muffled voice] Ow, where are we going?
Darren Shan: He said something about, uh, souls and, uh, destiny. And he knew where I lived.
Larten Crepsley: Looks like you're in deep shit, my larcenous friend.